Husband keeps putting off trying for a baby

[Biggobyboo]

We’ve been married for a couple of months. I’m 33. He said before we were married we could start trying for a baby after marriage. Great.

Only he keeps using condoms and saying “not quite yet” when I question it! We’ve had unprotected sex a couple of times though.

He is in the military and we are moving next month. I’m currently a teacher so will be leaving my current school when we move without a job lined up as yet. When we are both working, our joint income is 80k. We have 30k of savings and two properties we rent out. Zero debt. Yet he wants to wait until I have found a job when we move so I can get paid maternity leave and we will be “financially stable.” Ummmm we are already!

My clock is very much ticking but he doesn’t seem bothered at all!

FFS you've only been married a matter of weeks and you've taken your ring off, reduced your husband to tears and started calling him names. Where is the love in your relationship ?. Seems to me the ONLY reason you got married was to have a family and nothing else matters. Try and remember you married another human being, not just a walking sperm donor. I must be old fashioned. I married my man coz I loved him , he loved me and we wanted to make a life together. I had my first child at 35. I had been married for 8 years by then. I now have 3 daughters. I remember part of my wedding vowels were , " true love forgives, heals and endures ". I still believe that. Don't give up so easily, at least give your marriage a chance.

Vows , sorry.

CharlotteMD

OP isn't the one renaging on their agreement. He's moving the goalposts each time. You talk about giving another chance, but really, he's had those already, and just keeps coming up with another excuse.

Love, on it's own, is not enough for any relationship, you have to be pretty much on the same page in terms of life goals, family, etc. And here, they are not.

How long does OP have to wait? How long is a piece of string? I've seen this scenario several times now in RL, and those women who wait nearly always find it turns out that their partner/DH never did want DC (or maybe not with them) and the women lose their chance to have children.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree , how long should she wait ?. Perhaps a little longer than 8 weeks maybe ?.

He said he doesn’t want a child right now.

At least he has been honest finally. I'd worry about having a child with him, he clearly does not want one so what kind of father will he make?

Clearly issues in this marriage that your DH couldn't come clean to tell you he wasnt ready.

You need to work out where you go from here with him, sounds like you both regret previous decisions that were made. Best to of found out now OP than in 5 years time

Tricky situation all round.

I don't think he really wants a child.
He is saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Now he has moved the goal posts.
You can easily afford a child but to be honest, he sounds like the type of man who will push all of the parenting responsibility into you.
With this in mind, you might be as well single, at least then you can still have a child but know exactly where you stand from the start.
From his point of view he probably didn't want to loose you do saw the options as loose you or agree to an idea which isn't so bad and who knows might never actually happen and now he can stipulate extra conditions which will all hamper your plan.

Charlotte with all due respect it is not unusual to start trying for a baby as soon as you get married. I did this and I'm glad I did as it took quite some time to get pregnant and I was younger than the op.

I'm be kind to yourself you haven't done anything wrong.
With all due respect you could wait another 2 years and then try for a baby for 2 years and it still not happen.
Time is not on your side.

emilybrontescorsett : I'm not saying she should or she shouldn't I'm just saying she need to at least give her marriage a chance.

CharlotteMD

They had an agreement to start trying after they got married. He has now changed the goalposts. And it's hardly unusual to start trying start after marrying, especially having had a Catholic wedding.

They've clearly been together a while, what with the properties, etc, and quite frankly, there's no difference between living together as they have done, and being married.

They've had talks, and agreements, but he clearly thought he was the one to dictate, what with all the changes and excuses he's put up.

And before you claim OP is dictating, she's not. She's putting her foot down and wanting the agreement they had to be honoured. That's not dictating, that's a reaction to someone else's attempts to change things.

Agree with what others have said- —at 34 I found out I had low ovarian reserve and might struggle to conceive- it’s different for everyone. Don’t just assume it will just be ok and you have years to play with on this. You may, or you may not- it’s luck of the draw.

OP I have just had my first baby after a few years of TTC.. no health reasons known but it just didn’t happen for me.
Having my baby boy is simply the best thing I’ve ever done and I can quite honestly say I would do it on my own if my husband played these games with me that your husband is playing.
I wouldn’t wait or I wouldn’t except the excuses your husband is giving you

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree : I think its worth giving your marriage more than a few weeks but hey, what the f*ck would I know about it !!!!.

I wouldn't bother with another round of egg-freezing as a way of continuing to wait for him to come round - it's a bit of a false reassurance as my understanding is that the success rate isn't that high - and I think it might be stopping you from doing what you actually need to do.

I mean by all means do the egg-freezing as well, but you need to bring this to a head with your dh.

He's running down your fertility clock and you're going to miss your chance at this rate.

If it's a choice of him or having a chance of children, which is your choice?

I'm also shocked that he would let you go through the expensive and rather gruelling process of egg collection not once but twice while you're waiting for this magical "right time".

Has he actually given a solid timeframe for trying? @Alexandra246

(You might want to start your own thread to get some more (better) answers).

Thank you for your advice @category12…I might delete my messages on this thread and start my own new one like you suggested. Maybe trying to re-open up an old thread just isn’t a good idea xx

zombie thread

I'd expect a year of married life before trying too. At least. Amd was going to suggest that was his thought pattern before you updated it was.

Isn't it a bit disingenuous to get a job knowing that you're planning to go on maternity leave ASAP though? Maybe it's wise to work for a bit first so there's not bad blood with your employment.

It does sound like you're financially stable as is.

If one of you doesn't want a baby now and the other does, the former gets the deciding say unfortunately.