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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband keeps putting off trying for a baby

95 replies

Biggobyboo · 01/12/2019 22:05

We’ve been married for a couple of months. I’m 33. He said before we were married we could start trying for a baby after marriage. Great.

Only he keeps using condoms and saying “not quite yet” when I question it! We’ve had unprotected sex a couple of times though.

He is in the military and we are moving next month. I’m currently a teacher so will be leaving my current school when we move without a job lined up as yet. When we are both working, our joint income is 80k. We have 30k of savings and two properties we rent out. Zero debt. Yet he wants to wait until I have found a job when we move so I can get paid maternity leave and we will be “financially stable.” Ummmm we are already!

My clock is very much ticking but he doesn’t seem bothered at all!

OP posts:

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 03/12/2019 09:20

Hate to have to tell you this, but I was married to one of these. And had to divorce him.

I second this. Also now divorced.

everybodyneedsomebody · 03/12/2019 09:27

I remember talking it over with my friend when I was with my ex and doing the maths desperately... would I be more likely to have a child sooner if I waited for my ex to want one and tried with him, or if I moved on and tried to meet someone else, time to date, get to know one another and not rush etc.

I hadn’t really factored in that with someone who is showing with their actions that they don’t want a baby any time soon, that time frame is totally open ended! I’ve noticed too that in your late twenties/thirties people tend to know what they want a lot more and things can move pretty swiftly, I’ve seen a few friends be married within the year and trying straight away.

Relationships are such hard work and wanting different things when it’s such a fundamental issue like having kids is a killer and makes the entire rest of the relationship shaky and built on quicksand. If you feel he’s baited and switched (did you both actually agree to try once you married or was it more of a vague ‘not until we are married but some point after that’ by the way? I can’t imagine having it in my head we were gonna try right away and it not coming up a lot before the wedding!) it’ll influence how you feel about him and behave towards him and rot things.

I would really advise going to relationship therapy together ASAP to work this through and find out what his actual reasons are for wanting to wait, decide whether you’re willing to take that risk or not, and see whether you can agree on a date to try, but I wouldn’t be saying we can afford to wait a year tbh. I’d want to set a date within six months. Max. And then you’ve not wasted too much more time.

lifeisgoodagain · 03/12/2019 09:31

Get the move out of the way and look for supply work, that said I. My experience men can't really be bothered with contraception so I'm impressed it's him taking the lead.

Countryescape · 03/12/2019 09:34

Op what did he say when you told him you weren’t going?

FizzyGreenWater · 03/12/2019 11:45

It's also worth bearing in mind that if OP's DH keeps pushing from this point, or accepts her not moving with him, then that is a pretty big hint that he actually really properly does NOT want a baby - six months/a year is a red herring - he actively does not want one.

OrianaBanana · 03/12/2019 12:03

At 35 it took me over a year to conceive. So all that year we were enjoying married life just the two of us, lucky us.

Abouttimemum · 03/12/2019 12:24

‘Enjoying married life’ is exactly the same as enjoying your life together before you got married. There’s nothing different about it. What bollocks OP.

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 12:25

There is a huge difference between enjoying a year of married life on contraception, without even thinking of TTC and it taking a year once you have started.

This is something you had all the time in the world for if you married years ago. But a year of just us isn't worth the risk to you, but it seems to him it is.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/12/2019 13:22

I do think that some people change their minds about having children, and this isn;t necessarily because they are wicked or selfish. We are all very powerfully and persistently fed the idea that having children is part of becoming a full adult, is 'normal, is what you 'should' do - to the extent that people who state openly that they do not want to become parents tend to get told (if they are under 30) that they will change their minds. And some people, if a partner is broody, will agree to think about it 'soon', or even say something like 'maybe next year' when they do not really want a child but are not really hostile to the idea either. And when the broody partner brings the subject up again (and again and again) sometimes the other partner will decide that yes, they will give it a go, and sometimes that's when they realise that they really don't want a baby at the moment. If they are nice people, that's when they own up to this and see if the relationship can be salvaged or not. If they are basically lazy and self-serving, they will fob the partner off as long as they possibly can, not because that partner is the one they love so much that they couldn't bear to lose them, but because (and it;s more often men in het relationships who do this) getting a new woman in to cook, clean and cocksuck would involve effort.

YouJustDoYou · 03/12/2019 13:35

Op ignore the pp who said you "have plenty of time" - you potentially don't.

He's fobbing you off. It's one thing if they say yup, want kids, but quite another to keep moving the goal posts. I personally wouldn't wait- once these last few years have gone by, you will never have the chance at children again unless you adopt.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 13:36

Spot on, SGB. I'd stop putting into the joint savings, too. But definitely send him to live in the mess on his own and look at your options. Honestly I'd not bother with a fertility MOT. His actions and his showing you that poxy YouTube clip tells you all you need to know.

The other thing is that if you did have a child with him, he wouldn't want another one in all likelihood, but a lot of people have a child and then want another. I did.

everybody is right, too. I couldn't believe it when I met DH. Wow, he really did want kids and a family, and he was 7 years younger than I am, too. They're out there.

Berryjam · 03/12/2019 16:02

Sorry if I have missed this but surely you had serious chats about this before you got married?

Original poster

Biggobyboo · 03/12/2019 16:27

Yes - we had serious chats about this before marriage. From memory, after a year of dating, before and after we got engaged and before we got married. We had a Catholic service and Catholic marriage lessons and he promised to do nothing to impede having children and to raise them in the church.

I was going to go on the pill to see if that cleared up my skin a bit and HE said what’s the point if we are going to start trying after the wedding.

I’ve taken off my wedding ring and told him to book a cabin at work as he isn’t sleeping here. He cried and said if it means that much to me we can start trying after Christmas. Ha ha ha.

Even if he means that I’m really angry at him and now I don’t want to have a child with such an idiot of a man.

OP posts:

Original poster

Biggobyboo · 03/12/2019 16:31

He then stupidly said “we can start trying now then” there’s no point you absolute muppet as my fertile zone for the month has finished now.

OP posts:

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 16:36

He cried and said if it means that much to me we can start trying after Christmas. Ha ha ha.

Simple response, 'No. I'm done with any more excuses and delays.' And btw, the Church will annul your marriage if need be because he lied about having kids (my aunt's was because he admitted he never wanted children).

Sorry, but he's stalling and stringing you along. I'd be beyond fucked off because he future faked you.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 16:38

God, the second he did that 'not quite yet' I'd have put on my pants and said, 'Yep. Not quite yet. Maybe in the future.'

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 17:15

Hang on OP. Don't start mocking him just because MN has worked you up. He's your husband and presumably you love him. You have gone through quite a transformation from your first post. It might be having a couple more conversations from a loving perspective as a team would be enough, but you sound like you are threatening him and that isn't going to help either.

OrangeZog · 03/12/2019 17:15

He then stupidly said “we can start trying now then” there’s no point you absolute muppet as my fertile zone for the month has finished now.

Not really stupid as he will think you’ve been appeased and he gets to have sex, so a double win as far as he is concerned. Then something will happen in your fertile week, perhaps he will be tired or trigger an argument, before being in agreement again afterwards.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 17:40

He had no apparent problem threatening to risk her fertility by agreeing to TTC immediately after the wedding, then saying no, then saying another year, then after Xmas . . . that's not a very loving thing to do to your wife. He trusted fucking YouTube over his wife when it comes to fertility; sent her clips to fob her off and string her along. As long as she was buying his excuses he wasn't bothered a jot, was only bothered when she stood up for herself, now it's tears and moving the goalposts again.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 17:48

That's a good point.

everybodyneedsomebody · 03/12/2019 18:01

I couldn't believe it when I met DH. Wow, he really did want kids and a family, and he was 7 years younger than I am, too. They're out there.

That’s lovely. DH was 24 when we met, I was 28. I nearly spat my drink out when he said he wanted children within a few years and that being married was important to him!

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 18:23

Yes, DH also wanted marriage first (that was a must for me).

OneFootintheRave · 03/12/2019 18:27

@ReanimatedSGB has it spot on.

Divebar · 03/12/2019 19:05

The thing is I don’t think I’d want to have children with someone who had to be threatened or coerced into it. I don’t think anyone should have to do that ( and the baby deserves full enthusiastic participation by all involved). The problem is whether he will be honest about is feelings on the matter. As an aside I know two women who have created families on their own... one had IVF and one adopted and are all thriving as single parents.

Willow4987 · 03/12/2019 19:39

Op, just to say that while I haven’t been in the same DH situation as you, I have been desperate to conceive

We got married and started trying straight away. It took another 4 years and a round of IVF before our DS arrived - and that’s without any known fertility issues in either of us to this day. It was put down to unexplained infertility.

We started trying when I was 27....So hardly ‘over the hill’ but in fertility terms once you start heading towards 35 then fertility is known to drop off (let alone the associated risks around pregnancy at that age)

So I suppose what I’m trying to say is don’t delay if you want a child (whether it’s with your DH I don’t know!) as the road to getting one isn’t already smooth and plain sailing - it can be a long time until you hold that baby in your arms

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