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Relationships

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Original poster

Stealing DP

71 replies

declutter2020 · 30/11/2019 10:33

First time anything like this has happened. Has been a great step-dad to my DD and been together 6 years.

I have just found out that he has been withdrawing money from my accounts (credit and debit). We have a joint account for bills but the rest of the money is ours from what we earn. His wages have been a bit low as he is self employed, but has happened before and we discussed and I gave him some and worked out a reduced budget for a while.

About £300 over the last few weeks and no we can't afford it and it is a lot of money for us. Beer and fags I think so no drugs or sex stuff, but still it's the lying and deceit I can't get over.

My ExH was an alcoholic and worry I'm making the same mistakes all over again, or maybe I'm slightly blinded because of my past.

I asked him to stay with a friend for the weekend but I miss him and do want him back but not sure if I can forgive him.

I gave up booze for various reasons (not alcoholic but health and well-being) so no gin emojis please as it's hard enough right now to abstain.

Do I give up and ask him to leave permanently or do I give it a go and see if I can get over the trust issues?

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 30/11/2019 10:38

Get over the trust issues. Hmm. What is his plan to regain your trust? What has he suggested? Or is this now seen as your problem to get over?

TowelNumber42 · 30/11/2019 10:40

What's his plan to repay the money? Is it plausible? Stealing money from your girlfriend for beer and fags is pretty damn low. What's his excuse?

LuluBellaBlue · 30/11/2019 10:40

Wow he’s actually been stealing your bank cards without you knowing and withdrawing money?
Sorry but I can’t ever see a way back after that.
For someone to do that to the person they love most shows such wounding on their part I could never ever trust them again with anything :(

Ilovethekitties · 30/11/2019 10:42

What has the money gone on OP?

Babyg1995 · 30/11/2019 10:46

Beer and fags is bad .if it was for food heating things for the children I could forgive but not for the sake of a drink and a smoke get rid op my ex was like this tane me a long time to realise he was stealing from me.

category12 · 30/11/2019 10:47

It's not a case of "trust issues' - he has proven himself untrustworthy. What's he going to do about it?

How on earth does he justify his behaviour?

carolina21 · 30/11/2019 10:50

£300 is a lot of money to spend on beer and fags how much does he drink and smoke ?

questioningwhy · 30/11/2019 10:51

My father was like that and did not change his ways and died that way i'll tell my thoughts you have a joint account with him that can overdraw and then get you in debt do you think he be bothered to think about you and your children when he was having what he liked on youre money without youre permission if he's low on money why could'nt he go find a job or at least search for one you need to look out for number one which is always you're self and that means cancel that joint account and changning youre bank cards so that he dose'nt theif any more of your money ,you do not need him at all it might also be a card fraud matter if your name was only on some of the cards you need to sort it out before he gets you in a finacial hole that will take years to get out of I wish someone told my mother this before she was allowing my father to keep withdrawing money out of there shared mortage and joint accounts.

Interestedwoman · 30/11/2019 10:59

Wow! Stealing from his own wife! No, I would not forgive that, especially as his feeling the desperate need for that money for booze may imply he has a drink problem. I suppose there might be a way back from it if he gives up alcohol.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/11/2019 11:00

do I give it a go and see if I can get over the trust issues?

He is untrustworthy. Trying to make yourself trust him is not possible as an act of will. You can act as though you trust him. You can tell him you trust him. You can force yourself to leave your cards lying around and tell him your pin, you can drive yourself crazy wondering what else he's not telling you but never check up on him or say it out loud to anyone, but you can't make yourself actually believe him to be trustworthy. Because he has shown you that he isn't.

Think of it this way - if I told you that I had a pet unicorn the size of a puppy, could you make yourself believe me? Not just go along with it, or want to believe me, or act like you believed me, actually truly in your heart think it was true? No, of course not. Not unless I showed you the unicorn. And your partner has to prove to you he is trustworthy before you can believe it.

How is he going to do that? That's his job to figure out.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/11/2019 11:07

He took money from YOUR account using Your debit/credit cards? What would you do if, say, someone at your work had taken your cards and done that? Stealing is stealing period. You will never be able to trust him again. Since you don't have any children together I would say leave now. If you won't, then change banks and safeguard cards so he cannot use them. Make it clear to him that you will call the police if he does.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2019 11:09

I would be asking him to leave permanently. If you let him come back now there is really nothing to stop him doing the same all over again. Once trust has been broken it is nigh on impossible for it to come back. If there now is no trust there is really no relationship. He has to be the one to prove he is trustworthy anyway and he has failed both you and your DD. No man in your life is better than the wrong man in your life. And he is no decent role model of a man for your DD either; stealing from you as her mother indeed. Would you want her to be with someone like this, no you would not. You and he should not be together now either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Love your own self for a change OP. Work on rebuilding your life without this man in it and make good choices for you and your child going forward.

CatalogueUniverse · 30/11/2019 11:12

Household short of cash due to his wages being low.

Discussed and agreed a budget where you agreed you’d subsidy him.

He then steals £300 from you to treat himself.

Get rid.

CatalogueUniverse · 30/11/2019 11:14

Why should you get over him stealing from you?

How is this your issue to tackle?

Clymene · 30/11/2019 11:15

He is stealing from your daughter. That's the reality. Because of him, you've got less money to spend on her.

If you don't get rid of him for you, do it for her.

And I bet he's done it before but just taken smaller amounts and you haven't noticed.

AutumnConker · 30/11/2019 11:17

Put a stop on all the cards, obviously.

Then get rid of the thief from your life.

Sorry OP, do you know why your bar is set so low?

Start making yourself a better future pls.

EKGEMS · 30/11/2019 11:18

He committed fraud and if it was the states it would be considered a felony due to such a large amount of cash taken. Hell no do you let him back loneliness or sadness you feel. Put your big girl pants on and leave his thieving ass

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/11/2019 11:24

Wow just before the most expensive time of year, wow. It sounds like he is an addict or just extremely selfish. I guess like others it depends what he says about it, how sorry he is, what he is going to do to change etc. In the mean time I'd change my pins and keep my cards on me

Goldenchildsmum · 30/11/2019 11:30

He stole from you? Took your money without asking?

And you want to get over your trust issues?

I'm interested to find out how you'll do that.

Original poster

declutter2020 · 30/11/2019 11:41

I was terrified to post on here because I knew and I KNOW what I need to do. I feel like such a failure.

You're right though, I know you're right but it's hard to do in practice.

I haven't really spoken to him about it, he (when questioned) confirm it was him and I asked him to leave as I needed time to think about things.

Argggghhhhhh, it was all going so bloody well.

Off to buy cushions covers to cheer myself up and forget about the decisions I have to make

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 30/11/2019 11:48

MaButterface · 30/11/2019 11:49

Please love yourself and dump this useless pile of poo. He is a thief who cant be trusted and on beer and fags?! You could do so much better.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/11/2019 11:50

Look, I know it's hard, but it sounds like the hardest bit is actually already accomplished - you've told him to leave and he's left.

Don't, whatever you do, let him move back in "to talk" or "work on things" or "while he sorts himself out". He needs to not live in your house. If it makes it easier, you can still "work on your relationship" while he is living elsewhere (I don't advise this, but you can tell yourself that's what's happening if its easier) but DO NOT let him move back in.

Pack up his stuff and offer to drop it off somewhere. Don't let him back in even to pack, because I think he would cry/beg/do whatever to make you let him stay.

Goldenchildsmum · 30/11/2019 12:23

Why did he do it? I mean he must have known you'd find out. Why didn't he just talk to you?

Original poster

declutter2020 · 30/11/2019 12:49

I didn't ask why he'd done it, I didn't ask anything as I was in shock. I just couldn't deal with it. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow morning.

The joint account is my account, he just pays his half of money for bills/food.

He didn't steal the cards I gave them to him to buy stuff as shopping with DD can be a nightmare if she is in the wrong mood and he just got a few things for himself whilst out clearly. Granted I also hate shopping so I do ask him to go out a lot (which he's never said he minds).

This is the first time anything like this has happened and I mean anything. Everybody deserves a second chance or not?

My head is spinning and they didn't have the cushions covers I wanted, I know my problems are not going to be solved by soft furnishings but the place would have looked nice whiled I cried my eyes out

OP posts:

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