Stealing DP

[declutter2020]

First time anything like this has happened. Has been a great step-dad to my DD and been together 6 years.

I have just found out that he has been withdrawing money from my accounts (credit and debit). We have a joint account for bills but the rest of the money is ours from what we earn. His wages have been a bit low as he is self employed, but has happened before and we discussed and I gave him some and worked out a reduced budget for a while.

About £300 over the last few weeks and no we can't afford it and it is a lot of money for us. Beer and fags I think so no drugs or sex stuff, but still it's the lying and deceit I can't get over.

My ExH was an alcoholic and worry I'm making the same mistakes all over again, or maybe I'm slightly blinded because of my past.

I asked him to stay with a friend for the weekend but I miss him and do want him back but not sure if I can forgive him.

I gave up booze for various reasons (not alcoholic but health and well-being) so no gin emojis please as it's hard enough right now to abstain.

Do I give up and ask him to leave permanently or do I give it a go and see if I can get over the trust issues?

Hi OP. Going against the general MN chorus of LTB but I actually do believe people make mistakes and relationships require some forgiveness and compromise. He's been honest and upfront about what happened. You haven't discovered any other deceit and he's never done anything like this before. You're a blended family so it's not just you two to consider and you are going through stressful renovations and low income.

I get the whole 'trust' issues but honestly only you can decide how to move on and I think you need to know you did everything to make the relationship work so you can look back with no regrets. Of course he needs to do the same and show you he's willing and make up for what he's done but in my mind that is what a partnership is about. I know I will be in the minority here but I don't think you deserve the scathing flaming you are getting for considering forgiveness and working things through. Good luck op.

My DD is in this relationship, if he was a total bastard, I would not have entered into a relationship with him (especially after having escaped a previous one) and then included DD in it.

Tomorrow is because I need time to think, I need to make a list and I want to be sure of my decision. I can waver as there are too many people that will be affected by my decision.

I am tempted to date but not live together, not sure if that will work as we already have such blended life and DS will have to leave too, then in perhaps 6 months reevaluate, all going well. I could just about meet all the payments myself.

It's so hard to make this decision, you are all right and I know you are, so why can I not just do it and walk away.

I do love him but also right now couldn't imagine sleeping in the same bed as him or being with him as I'm so angry and hurt.

What is your housing situation? If it is a mortgaged house and in your name, he can now make a claim on it because of the work he has done in renovations.

I'm not sure how successful it would be, but you should be aware.

"My DD is in this relationship, if he was a total bastard, I would not have entered into a relationship with him (especially after having escaped a previous one) and then included DD in it".

You chose this man to begin a relationship with. It may well be that you swapped one absolute shit of a man for yet another poor example of a man to be in a relationship with. A different type of man and not as abusive as the last one but rubbish and dysfunctional all the same. This one has stolen from you!. You determined that this money had gone, he did not fess up and he has deceived you.

Your ex would have messed with your boundaries and head in relationships and I daresay that these were not addressed properly or infact at all prior to you entering into this relationship now.

And you are still focussing on sunk costs. The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavour and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

This is so hard for you, OP. You have to do what's right for you and your daughter. It's so easy for me to tell you what I'd do, but I don't have all the emotion caught up in the decision, as you do.

Please exclude your 'step son' in this decision though. He is not your responsibility

Time might be your saviour here. Allow the relationship to grow again , living apart, and see what happens.

Be vigilant. Be aware. Try to grow your self esteem and be proud of the strong woman you are - so that your daughter has a wonderful role model

And see how it goes

I remember taking a man back again and again, when I was younger, because I was scared of being on my own and scared to be seen to 'fail'

I'm not like that any more.

You are on a very slippery slope here.

Your partner feels entitled to slack off at home and to steal from you. You are enabling him by doing “the lions share” and by rationalizing and minimizing his deceit and thievery.

Your ex was an alcoholic whom you likely enabled for quite a while before leaving. Aren’t you now repeating this pattern?

My ExH did this. He kept withdrawing money from the joint account using his card, and my card without my knowledge. The amount of times I'd go to pay for food or petrol and not have the means to pay for it. He also never told me how much money was in the account so it was constantly like playing checkout chicken - will the card be accepted or not?! I still have anxiety about that now.

The worst time was when I went back to work after maternity leave. DS was 6 months old. It was pay day. A LOT of money went in the account that morning. I wanted an outfit for him to go to a special day, which I did. It cost £50 for that and a couple of other bits. I also wanted a cold drink from Costa. My card was rejected. The entirety of my wages and ExH wages had gone straight out of the account to pay off his payday loans. I knew nothing about them.

I later found out that he had withdrawn a total of £56,000 of cash from the joint account in 8 years without telling me. He also took out £26,000 of payday loans. As well as credit cards and other loans out in my name without telling me.

OP If your DP is stealing from you now, get out whilst you are ahead.

He needs to tell you how he is going to pay it back. And I think you need to take away his access to the joint account. If you are staying, which is your call, then you need him to rebuild the trust. You are not a failure, he is. It’s hard to leave, and it’s fine to give a second chance, but only a second one not a third.

Ok if you want to keep him I think once he fixes the business situation things will look a lot better. In the meantime he gets no access to family cards or money. You need to give him money for fuel and materials he needs for work etc though. He can take sandwiches. (which you will probably make even though he should do it and be a good role model for dcs)

It was lack of work that caused this.

Why is there a lack of work? Is he a tradesman and people are not paying?

In which case get them taken to the small claims court.

Is it because he’s been doing shoddy work and has bad ratings on various websites? Google hid name and “review” and see.

Is it because he doesn’t do certain things or doesn’t answer his phone messages quickly or some other thing that just needs tweaked and perhaps a bit more effort from him.

That’s the key to this. The work.

And then he needs to think about his child and stop spending so much on his “hobbies”. (Ie smoking and drinking) as the income is required by the family. It’s not just his money.

If he said he was spending that much on train spotting days or some other nerdy hobby would you be happy. No. But somehow because he needs his ciggies it’s ok?

I don’t think so.
If no money coming in then luxury hobbies have to get cut first. Such as smoking, Sky package reduced, shop at Aldi, no taxis anywhere, stop getting takeaways etc.

I wouldn’t make him abandon fags quite yet as he’s very stressed as it is. But I would get him told once you are back on your feet that his hobbies are too dear and he has to switch to vaping or chuck in the fags altogether so you are never so skint again when work is low. Hundreds a month on a hobby when you struggle to pay bills is too much.

He's just left (came round to clean whilst I was out, nice that he is trying to do something to make up). I asked why he didn't tell me and he said he was ashamed at having to ask for money again. Knows he's a piece of shit etc... he seemed genuinely sorry and he said he was always going to pay it back and he just was feeling so crap and low.

Hold on you chucked him out, and he snuck back into your home to 'clean' (or looking for more money)! Shame he can't hold a mop unless motivated by shitting himself that he's about to lose life on easy street that you're funding. He's still taking you for a mug that he thinks a bit of dusting and a sob story should keep her indoors happy

He and his DS are living in your house, you pay most of the bills and do most of the cooking and the cleaning for the pair of them and he's stealing from you? Doing some DIY is the least he should be contributing! This has cocklodger written all over it. If he approaches his business with the same lazy attitude he does to your home and shared finances then no wonder it's struggling to turn a profit.

Don't be guilted, you can still date/have a relationship and not live together if you still really want him in your life. It doesn't need to happen in your home.

Have you done a credit check to check if he's taken any finance out in your name/on your home?

Have you done a credit check to check if he's taken any finance out in your name/on your home? Good point.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter raises some very valid points.

Has he offered to pay the money back?

Has he explained how he will pay the money back?

Sorry double posted there!

You need to:-

1. Go through all your bank statements with a fine tooth comb for the last 6 years and see if there are any other dodgy transactions.
2. Get a credit check done to ensure that he hasn’t taken any loans out in your name.

Just because this is the first time you have caught him it doesn’t mean it is the first time he has done it.

Have you ever had any problems with lost jewellery / valuables at all?

Until you are sure how much he has stolen from you you can’t decide whether to get back with him. Tomorrow is too soon to discuss - you won’t have al, the information you need.

And you don’t have trust issues. He is not trustworthy. Because he is a thief. There is a difference.

My advice would be to run. I have just escaped a very abusive man who is still abusing even with a non molestation order in place. One of the first things he did was withdraw a couple of hundred pounds from my account. This soon escalated into thousands. You don't want to know what he currently owes me. Be very careful. Is he dishonest in any other ways?

That's a lot of money on booze and fags. Take your time, don't rush into any decisions. Ask him to show you his repayment plan. Take some time to yourself if possible you have big decisions to make xx

Op stealing from your partner is not a "poor judgement choice". Please listen to yourself trying to justify staying with a man who steals from you and treats you like this because you so desperately want it to work out.

He's been stealing from you, stealing. He's being robbing you and you've been sitting with him smoking and drinking the proceeds whilst you watch.

And he'd have kept doing it if you'd not caught him.

I'd also say that I cannot imagine a situation where I'd rob by own husband, I simply Can't. And I can't imagine a situation where he would rob me. I can leave money laying around, as can he, have card access and neither of us would steal from the other.

Even my cleaner doesn't steal from me.

How old are the kids?