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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too angry to sleep. Husband cheated

59 replies

SarahBop · 29/11/2019 00:22

Hi all,
So I found out a few weeks ago that my husband had a mad drunken night, done some drugs (which was news too, as I didn't realise he had or did) and had sex with a mutual friend at the start of the year.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. We have been together almost 20 yrs and have 2 children..we were childhood sweethearts.
I've told him it is over, I can't ever trust him again.
I found out from another friend as the lady had told a few people and word had got back...so my good friend told me as soon as she could, seen as my snake of a husband wasn't going to.

I'm just so shocked, gutted, angry, upset. I hadn't felt happy for a while, I felt like because he was low he was trying to drag me down with him, but I never ever expected this bombshell...I just thought it was his depression/part personality and that maybe we'd grown apart.

I just needed to sound off as so devastated and struggling to get to sleep tonight.

I hate what he's done to me/us Sad

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 29/11/2019 00:30

Hi.
Didn't want to read and run, and it's late so there might not be much traffic on here at this time.
All I can offer is a hand-hold. What a complete bastard. So many levels of betrayal. A mutual friend!!
How can you come back from that?
Flowers Wine

champagneandfromage50 · 29/11/2019 00:32

I would hate what he has done too. Has he moved out now? You need time to recover from the shock, betrayal and how to move on. I cant even begin to imagine how your feeling but a virtual hug from me

Geppili · 29/11/2019 00:42

So sorry.

Original poster
SarahBop · 29/11/2019 00:42

Thank you ladies.
No, he's not moved out yet as I didn't want to break it to the kids this side of xmas.
So he's flitting between a spare room at his friends house and sometimes having to stay here due to my working hours and him needing to get the kids to bed etc.
We are very much just co-parenting and being civil. As far as I am concerned, we're done. Whereas he seems to think there's hope and that i'll change my mind.

To be honest, I'm shitting myself about being a single parent..so much will have to change with my job and finances etc, it all seems too overwhelming at the moment Sad

OP posts:
Geppili · 29/11/2019 00:44

God you poor thing! It must be so hard to switch off after such a massive shock. I am up with searing toothache! It would devastate me. But you are strong! How many DCs and how old? Thanks

Geppili · 29/11/2019 00:46

If u have headphones try just lying down in dark and listen to a relaxation meditation on YouTube?

Louise91417 · 29/11/2019 00:54

Just take a day at a time..finances etc will work themselves out..worrying about them will do no good..give yourself time to get over shock..such a shit thing to happen to you.

Original poster
SarahBop · 29/11/2019 00:57

Geppili
2x childen, - they're12 and 8 yrs.
I'm devastated for them too. He's a good Dad and they'll be heartbroken. Its the thought of him having his own place and having to break the news to the kids, that is really killing me …...

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahBop · 29/11/2019 01:01

Louise, thanks. I know, I keep bringing myself back to the present and just going day by day. But then I am aware that the closer we get to xmas, the closer I get to breaking my kids hearts and shaping the rest of their childhood.
I know it doesn't have to be a bad thing, separate parents can work very well and kids thrive, but I never expected to be in the position when I took our marriage vows...

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 29/11/2019 01:11

Was his episode of feeling depressed/low after the cheating OP? Was this him experiencing regret? I’m not excusing his behaviour, but have you talked about the why with him and what he expects from your marriage now? I’m just wondering if he thinks it was a terrible mistake and if you’d be able to get counselling or if you could imagine yourself moving past this some day?

Geppili · 29/11/2019 01:17

I am so so sorry! My DM had an affair and it led to a very acrimonious divorce. I was 8. It is not so much divorce per se that devastates kids. It's how they are treated and how well and kind and honest parents are. It is such early days. Do you have support in RL? Keep posting here if it helps. I am storming around trying to do late night housework while my tooth feels like it has its own heartbeat and my Ddog is with me. Faithful loyal hound. Love him! I think your husband is going to be in for a big shock. One thing I noticed from your OP is that you mentioned you not feeling happy before this. In the long run, his stupid drunken entitled midlife crisis adultery might be a liberation for you? Your kids will be fine as long as you are happy. Do you have joint assets? I would get all paperwork sorted soon. Your husband sounds complacent and slow on the uptake. You sound strong and your DC are lucky to have you.

Original poster
SarahBop · 29/11/2019 01:22

@VenusTiger no he was already depressed. He's been low for a couple of years..but the episode at the beginning of the year saw him take an excessive amount of cocaine whilst drunk and lead to him having sex with this woman.
He has undoubtedly been full of regret since then, he seemed very distant and even lower...but I just couldn't work out why he was so down and why his meds weren't working..I kept telling him to go back to the doctor and asking what he was so low about and still he didn't come clean. I guess he underestimated the weight of guilt.
I do take some comfort from the fact he claims to regret it...but I don't know whether he regrets it because he's been caught out and knows his life it about to change massively.
I just can't understand why he'd do the drugs in the first place and then to have sex too is even worse. It just seems too big a betrayal to get over, I would never trust him again and I don't want to live like that....Sad

OP posts:
Geppili · 29/11/2019 01:26

Some bloody mutual friend.

Geppili · 29/11/2019 01:27

Sarahbop was it protected sex?

Geppili · 29/11/2019 01:28

Sending a massive virtual hug.

Stillfunny · 29/11/2019 02:13

Mm.. a drunken, druggy shag ? Are you absolutely sure that you can not get over this ? Is he very remorseful and willing to go to counselling ?
Not defending him in anyway OP, I too have been betrayed.
But I know that in the shock and horror of discovery, I was unable to make any rational decisions. You don't actually have to do anything at all straight away
Perhaps, if you can bear it , at least wait until after the DCs have Xmas .
For your own sake , please take your time before you make any life altering decisions

I am so sorry that this is happeninng to you, sorry that you have such a shit friend.
I hope you have some support from your family and true friends.Flowers

Countryescape · 29/11/2019 05:55

Im so sorry OP xx That’s just awful. And such a hard situation for you with the kids. I personally think you should tell them now. It isn’t going to make any difference before or after Christmas. They’ll still be devastated but you won’t have to keep pretending which must be absolutely exhausting. Just my thoughts. Stay strong, I think I’d be the same and not able to get over the betrayal.

Robin2323 · 29/11/2019 06:08

Agree with pp.
don't make any decisions now as it will just be a knee jerk reaction.
Please get counselling together and separately.
After suffered depression years ago it can get so bad you would take any release / BUT the only way through is hard work.

Many , many couple work through this. Some stay together, others part but on good terms and remain friends.

But without working out why this happened and doing the mental work , others just get stuck in anger and bitterness which is endless.

Try to take one day at a time. Thanks

Goldenchildsmum · 29/11/2019 06:20

I'd have some counselling - maybe together? See if you can work it out. If you can't then nothing lost - and honestly, I've been a single parent since my daughter was 7, she's now 21. It's much better than you'd imagine Thanks

InfiniteSheldon · 29/11/2019 06:44

Do you really want your marriage to be over? He sounds like he's been a colossal arse but he does sound incredibly regretful. I'd try Relate and digging into why whether either, both or neither of you were happy. Twenty years and two dc are a lot to give up being a single mum is hard. I left my h and was a single mum for 16 years and I saw friends work through these sort of issues could you?

JObriensbollox · 29/11/2019 06:48

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notapizzaeater · 29/11/2019 06:53

I'd have to tell the kids now, they will have picked up on the atmosphere

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/11/2019 06:57

Do you want to stay with him?
Presumably he's cut contact with her, if he's regretful?
Maybe you can work through it if you want to.

I have to say though, there's absolutely no excuse.
No amount of drink, drugs or depression forces you to have sex with anybody else.

Frenchw1fe · 29/11/2019 06:58

Was mutual friend on drugs too?
If your husband has never taken drugs before and was drunk then he has been a right idiot but would certainly be acting out of character.

I think you both need to talk a lot.

If it's a total one off then you wouldn't be wrong to give him another chance IF that's what you want.

Dumptyhumpty101 · 29/11/2019 07:13

@SarahBop I really feel for you and completely understand you wanting to end the relationship but I just wanted to respond to your point where you said

I do take some comfort from the fact he claims to regret it...but I don't know whether he regrets it because he's been caught out and knows his life it about to change massively.

From what you said about his mood changing and him going into a deeper depression, it really does sound like he truly regrets what he has done.

That doesn’t mean you have to stay with him, just use it to take comfort that he clearly does love you and it was just a huge drunken/drug fuelled mistake and not him looking for an affair.