Too angry to sleep. Husband cheated

[SarahBop]

Hi all,
So I found out a few weeks ago that my husband had a mad drunken night, done some drugs (which was news too, as I didn't realise he had or did) and had sex with a mutual friend at the start of the year.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. We have been together almost 20 yrs and have 2 children..we were childhood sweethearts.
I've told him it is over, I can't ever trust him again.
I found out from another friend as the lady had told a few people and word had got back...so my good friend told me as soon as she could, seen as my snake of a husband wasn't going to.

I'm just so shocked, gutted, angry, upset. I hadn't felt happy for a while, I felt like because he was low he was trying to drag me down with him, but I never ever expected this bombshell...I just thought it was his depression/part personality and that maybe we'd grown apart.

I just needed to sound off as so devastated and struggling to get to sleep tonight.

I hate what he's done to me/us

Op I'm not saying this to excuse him at all, but might explain in part and be something to think about - when people take cocaine when drinking alcohol, one of the effects is that it allows you to drink more. A lot more. It keeps you awake and talking and seemingly ok when if you'd had the same amount of booze without cocaine you'd be passed out. Its very common for people to blackout and still be functioning, ie to be in a state they have no memory of the next day - not just the last hour of the night but hours of it. On top of that it makes people feel confident and horny. For men, coke will usually counter the effect of brewers droop.

If your husband isn't usually a coke user he may have got himself into a state drinks wise that he wouldn't have anticipated. He wouldn't have known his limit - like a teenager getting drunk for the first time. Coke makes you think you're fine and clear headed. The scary thing is people appear less drunk to others too because coke counters some of the visible drunk effects like slurring or sleepiness or balance.

If he has slept with someone in that state, only you can decide whether it's something you could work out together or not. Although it goes without saying that a pre requisite is always for that person never allowing themselves to get near that state again.

I disagree. I think you still know what you are doing on coke and there’s no excuse. I’ve tried it in the past and it didn’t make me cheat on my partner. I personally couldn’t ever forgive a betrayal like that. 😔

@Spinderellacutituponetime I'm with you on the coke thing. I think the only people trying to justify his actions are those with no idea and those who have used the same excuses

When my DH was severely depressed (don’t like to talk about it - it was many years before we were married) he was so reckless, he didn’t care about himself at all, he drank, didn’t eat... etc. he was not “himself” - self loathing, guilt ridden.

Not an excuse OP, but a reason for his out of character behaviour (reason why I don’t like to remember it all).

I think you should both seek counselling together, even if it’s just for closure on both sides or even closure on your marriage so you can coparent in peace without any unanswered questions. Sounds like he needs therapy anyway due to his reckless drug taking.

There’s too much raw hate (understandably) for you to tell the DC right now - it needs to be statement of fact information when you both tell them. Depression is such an awful illness, for all involved.

OP if you want to end your marriage because your husband has cheated you're more than within your rights, just because he feels guilty now doesn't mean you have to stay, he didn't feel guilty when he was sticking his dick in did he. Do what's right for you and don't feel you have to stay with a cheater because he's a bit down. Anyway if he was that guilty he'd have told you straight away. Good luck

Just to add - is it possible he's done this before? Doesn't sound like he was going to admit it anytime soon. Also sounds like he was a miserable bastard to live with anyway...you are worth more!

Ex addict and bipolar (which involves extreme depressive periods) here. I know it's different for everyone but it never made me cheat.

So personally I wouldn't be able to get over this because he is capable of cheating, lying and shagging other people.

I understand some people wouldn't want to be with me because of my history as an addict and also my periods of deep depression. If they found these things too difficult to have in their life, I would understand and know we weren't compatible.

Him being depressed and on drugs when he did this may be a reason he did it, but that doesn't mean your response can't be the same as it would be if he had done it stone cold sober and happy as Larry.

You're allowed to feel just as angry and upset as you would in that situation. I would turn into a wreck, panicking whenever he went out, thinking he might be lying about drugs and I think that would tip into me being not only unhappy but controlling too.

Again everything is different but you have no obligation to forgive him because of the circumstances. You don't have to make a permanent decision now but let yourself feel what you feel.

I'm so sorry OP you must be in total shock.

*swimtobreathe has said exactly what I would have written.

I am the FIRST to jump in with a cry of ‘LTB!!’ Because I think life is too short to be unhappy. He should never have even thought about taking coke in the first place and if it could lead him to do such a thing like cheating, its an unforgiveable offence to me.

In your shoes, I’d be making him sweat and buying myself the first few months of next year to get myself set up financially and get settled in a new job/new home/build savings. Everyone’s different but I could suffer the pretence for 12 weeks to feel financially safer. Each to their own though. And I would get christmas out of the way as you may have a little that still believes xx

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you're right to end it though. Take a stand now. He may be remorseful but not enough so to have come to you himself. That alone to me says he can't ever really be trusted. Even if you managed to play the part of the forgiving wife, I truly believe it would at best be a patch and your marriage would either fall apart later or you'll be in a miserable relationship with someone you don't trust.

Focus on the kids and making this as easy on them as possible. Any inkling you have to forgive your husband, put that compassion to work in your coparenting relationship. I doubt once hd realizes you're through that he will remain mature about it, which means you'll have to put double effort in to not be acrimonious in front of the kids. You sound like a strong and caring person, so you can do it.

As far as being a single parent, it's an adjustment but it's not bad. In a lot of ways it's great. Once you've removed the "partner" who has allowed his self-indulgent depression to excuse drug use, alchol abuse and infidelity, it will be lkke a weight off your shoulders. Take care of the physical and mental health of you and the kids. I suffer from depression, so I am not s person eho would bash someone just for MH issues, but a partner and parent who suffers has a responsibility to deal with it, get appropriate and effective treatment, no matter how hard it is or long it takes. When you've entered into a relationship and brought kids into the world, it's not just about you any more.

Good luck. I sincerely believe the sooner you end this, the sooner you all can he as l and move on.

You need to ship him out .. what a barstewart!

I meant to say the sooner you can heal and move on......

Drugs and sex whilst he wasn’t in control. Did he wear protection & have you been checked for Sti s. Look after yourself x

Thank you all.

No it wasn't protected sex...within hours of finding out, I had ordered an sti home kit, so I know I am clear now as we'd had sex numerous times since.
The most hurtful thing, is that he had no intention of telling me...he chose to try and bury his guilty little secret, never once considering the risks he'd put me through or respecting that I had the right to honesty

I have since found out that he's done cocaine a small number of times (big nights out, work events etc) Which was another bombshell as I didn't know he was like that. And also once since he cheated too, which I find really concerning as if he claimed to be regretful, why would you put yourself in a position of doing it again?!

It's like he has no 'off switch' or impulse control, it's scary and shocking.

OP, he would have still known what he was doing on cocaine. You have even more awareness than if you were drunk.

What I find most disgusting about his actions is that he put himself in danger of contracting any number of diseases and then put you at risk of catching something rather than owning up. He again put himself before you! That is one selfish person and depression isn't an excuse, I would be disgusted if my DP did that to me and I wouldn't be able to get passed it.

I am so sorry that this has happened. Is this mutual friend someone he has had contact with since? Are you sure it was a one time thing?

That's exactly my point.
She's more of an acquaintance than a friend, she came into our social circle via another friend..but we had socialised since then, as obviously I was oblivious.
I am not entirely sure it was a one off. He swears it was, which I am having to take his word for, but he has turned me into a crazy lady as I now doubt everything he says and have trust issues...and I don't want to be that person, which is why I feel we can't come back from this without it being detrimental to my MH (which I have worked so hard on over recent years, and was recently feeling very well and like I'd come out the other side of depression and anxiety myself)

Bless you.

I'm so sorry. Were you planning to talk to the OW at all? Do you think she might tell you the truth? It's so difficult because all the threads you read on here confirm that men seem to either not tell you (the women always find something) or they tell you the BARE minimum in order to minimise the situation (so the fall out isn't as bad) so I'm not surprised that you cant trust what he has said.

Your story honestly is so sad though, he has done over someone who has loved him for twenty years and who has given him two children for the sake of a seedy drug fueled fuck - its disgusting. If he has no feelings for this women and has no intention of this being a fling, he has thrown you all in the bin for a 10 minute shag. Gross. Reading your story that's what stood out for me, ruined your lives (for now) for absolutely nothing. Nothing gained.

You are very strong OP to still allow him in the house. Do you have anyone you can talk to in person? Does your family know?

Sorry you're going through this OP.
I think you are totally right to think it's over and to never trust him again. The fact it was unprotected sex and he's done coke numerous times makes it even worse.
It's a shame it's so close to xmas, I get your dilemma re telling your children.
What a shit bag. Remember he's broken your family up through his actions. It's all on him.

I would worry that he’s done it before, especially as you now know that the coke wasn’t an isolated incident.
Echo what someone else said about letting him sweat for a few weeks while you get your head straight.
I would definitely be checking his phone.

I messaged her a barrage of abuse straight away, told her she was a fucking slag..she denied it all, which was just an insult.
I have eeked details out of him, so I know enough details about their 'session' and it sounds quite explicit from what I can gather..not just a fumbled quickie.
Yes I do have support and close family and friends know.
I just hate that I mean so little to him, that he didn't consider me or my feelings in any of this. That's the most heartbreaking thing.

I can imagine. And if he blamed cocaine, the fact he did it again afterwards means he obviously didn't care that much as he was in the same position/head space.

I am so sorry, has it helped knowing the details? That sounds like torture to me. You must be heartbroken, sending big hugs.

Glad to hear you've got support. What is the advice you're receiving from them? You often find families will suggest staying together for the children, but you have to be happy OP and teach them what a health relationship is and how to treat and respect your partner.

Glad you have lots of support, make full use of it.

There’s so much trust broken on so many levels.
I’m not sure even if you wanted to that you could move past all of them.

Hi Sarahbop hope you are doing ok.

Hi, thanks for checking up Geppili, I'm abiout the same really...just plodding along playing happy families until Xmas is out the way. It's such an emotional rollercoaster, it's awful. Some moments I want him and think I can forgive, then the next minute I'm realising I deserve better and I hate him and am full of anger..it really is a rollercoaster.

It's the mental images I am struggling most with, the actual picturing of him with her and what they got up to. I'm just so angry that she pleasured MY husband...how dare he

Hey! You do deserve so much better. You are being so strong.