Too angry to sleep. Husband cheated

[SarahBop]

Hi all,
So I found out a few weeks ago that my husband had a mad drunken night, done some drugs (which was news too, as I didn't realise he had or did) and had sex with a mutual friend at the start of the year.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. We have been together almost 20 yrs and have 2 children..we were childhood sweethearts.
I've told him it is over, I can't ever trust him again.
I found out from another friend as the lady had told a few people and word had got back...so my good friend told me as soon as she could, seen as my snake of a husband wasn't going to.

I'm just so shocked, gutted, angry, upset. I hadn't felt happy for a while, I felt like because he was low he was trying to drag me down with him, but I never ever expected this bombshell...I just thought it was his depression/part personality and that maybe we'd grown apart.

I just needed to sound off as so devastated and struggling to get to sleep tonight.

I hate what he's done to me/us

Wanted to add my hugs OP. You must be so devastated...so shocked ....how traumatic for you, jesus christ.

I'd wait till after Christmas to tell the kids personally as long as the atmosphere at home isn't too toxic

I couldn't forgive either. Drugs...sex....nah ....what a dickhead. Out of character, maybe, but he still did it. It would eat away at me forever and would destroy the relationship anyway.

So hurtful. So sorry love, one day at a time xxx

@mamato3lads It's not too bad....to be honest we're like passing ships anyway because of working hours and hobby commitments. Part of the reason he's blaming being so low, is loneliness. But ffs my hours would've changed as our kids got older etc, so to go putting it on another woman for that reason is just horse shit.

I feel really worked up today, I just want him to fuck off and get away from me
I'm seeing more and more narcissistic traits too...he's made comments about how he knows I'll turn the kids against him etc (I wouldn't dream of it)..he's being really far fetched with the victim blaming...the heartbreaking thing is I can no longer differentiate between what is maybe his true colours and what is his depression affecting how he's behaving.
I have a feeling that in months/years, I'll be glad of this though.....

Hi SarahBop,

Glad you're feeling sick of him, it's easier than the indecision.
Thing is you know his depression is a red herring.
Even if somehow that was the cause of all this, you still don't deserve to live with someone who makes you feel like this, who doesn't take responsibility for himself and makes you question everything.

He shouldn't be playing the victim here. If you said he was doing everything to make it work then maybe but saying you regret something doesn't cut it. Even less so when more shitty behaviour comes to light.

The question shouldn't be "is he sorry"for himself" but more "how do I want to feel in the company of my DP? Has he shown me truly that he wants to save this? Do I even like him any more knowing that's how he handles things (i.e. he doesn't)?

Wishing you all the best. You're absolutely right that you will not regret this happening further down the line and I'll bet your anxiety gets a whole load better.

He is not the victim here. Everything that has happened to him has been 100% self-inflicted. Turn down his invitation to any pity party he throws!

Putting your health at risk while not even letting you know about it is a total deal-breaker.

Your inability to believe what he tells you is not evidence that you are crazy; it is evidence that you are being completely rational. You don't believe him because he has lied and deceived you; you would be a fool indeed to trust anything he said.

Resorting to cocaine again since his cheating was exposed is evidence that he is not sorry and does not intend to change. It's a shame, OP, but you can't unknow all this and things can never go back to how they were.

he's made comments about how he knows I'll turn the kids against him

I'd suspect that's him projecting his own thoughts on you.

Be careful. Begin documenting everything to do.with the children - as well as finances. Dont allow him to set the tone and narrative of the breakup with the children. Dont be afraid to correct any lies he tells them in an age appropriate manner. Document any such lies - it is parental alienation.

Get a very good solicitor. I sense this going nasty on his part.

"I just hate that I mean so little to him, that he didn't consider me or my feelings in any of this. That's the most heartbreaking thing."

Yes, you describe the pain of it really well.

Intimate betrayal is just shattering. Way beyond anything imaginable. I would not wish it on anyone.

That is a vicious thing to say about your children. And he is projecting his nasty ways of thinking onto you. He is trying to break you down. Keep strong. Sending huge hugs.

I also suspect that he has been using coke much more than you think. I had family member who used coke and their moods were very erratic and they could be really nasty when coming down. It costs a fortune as well. I would start battening down your financial hatches ASAP. X

Thank you for the replies again. Sorry for delay between my postings, I just run out of steam to sit and process it all tbh.
We're just biding time til xmas really...to be honest, I am 99.9% sure I am done, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't value me and is willing to go that far with someone else. I deserve better!

The prick thinks he's at rock bottom, he definitely ISN'T. It's gonna get a whole heap shitter for him yet, in terms of loneliness and realising what he's actually lost etc. Well I hope she was worth it...!!