Dating red flags

[Alaska10]

I have definitely experienced some of these in the past when I was more naïve and gullible, and it's important to keep a lookout for them in order to avoid what could be abusive or controlling situations, or just dating an utter belend or a player !

I'd say:
ANY form of violence whatsoever
Racism
Homophobia
Sexism and what women are 'expected to do'
Very tight with money-keeps receipts for what you owe him and makes sure things are split to the last penny
Every ex is a 'crazy psycho'
Out with mates 'getting pissed' every weekend unless an 18 year old student.
History of cheating/leaving partners for someone else
'one of the lads' very loutish and lairy
Rude towards wait staff and shop assistants
Massive mummy's boy
Overly needy- texting you again if you haven't replied as quickly as he would like, i.e. 10 minutes
You met online and they are 'leaving to go travelling soon' (unless you want a casual fling)
Pushy about sex/puts pressure on you
Aggressive when drunk
Wants to meet your kids/for you to meet his kids very early on
Proven liar
Stroppy if you go out with your friends
You feel like you're walking on eggshells
'not sure about you' after several months
'too busy' to see you for weeks

Feel free to add any others !

I don’t think out drinking is that bad to be honest if they work hard and that’s their relaxation

You are right, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a drink.
Maybe I phrased that wrong, was just speaking from experience about a guy I dated briefly who was literally sloshed Friday-Sunday, you couldn't do anything else as he was always drunk or nursing a hangover, had no desire to do anything other than get pissed.

Love bombing in the beginning, constantly telling you how wonderful and amazing you are and how you're the one!

Cheater Whattsapp. Extreme privacy settings (no last seen ect) generally used by men who chat to multiple women.

Messaging constantly especially late into the night, first thing in the morning. A way to ensure you're thinking about them all the time.

These apply to initial messaging when you're online dating. It can be difficult to tell because initially an abusive relationship will follow the same pattern as a normal relationship. If it doesn't feel quite right then it isn't right, trust your gut and stay safe ladies!

I let a multi millionaire go because he ordered a pint or three at 7am in the morning on holiday. Utter turn off

Thinking computer games are real life.

• slags off his ex(es). They're probably psychopaths. Or he overshares about them - he'll do the same about you
• lovebombing definitely
• contacts you all the time. constant contact. Constant what's apping, facetiming, messaging.
• possessive of you seeing your friends or doing something else
• jealous - thinks you're cheating on him or that other men are after you
• drinks too much
• yes aggessive about sex/makes you do things that you don't really want to
• "feeds back" on your clothes or relationships
• lies about anything, however small
• dodgy dating history. Particularly around his marriage break up (in fact don't go there if he had an affair)
• does he have friends? Does he get on with his family? Do his kids speak to him?
• pressures you to meet your kids too early
• talks about marriage/moving in/holidays very early. He loves you after a week. (if he moves to your area after 3 weeks of knowing him, you really should run
• lots of changes of jobs or addresses. That don't really match up
• lack of empathy
• everything is about him
• I also dated an avoidant guy once - blowing hot and cold. Walk away.
• someone who is reluctant to use condoms
• anyone who is grandiose

Jesus wept Anna. That is basically my ex you've just described. Fuck.

Thanks for these lists, definitely some points to look out for !
I also dated someone who kept 'forgetting' to put a condom on the first time, when I was telling him to "oh shit, sorry !" hmmm.

Yes mine too (all of them in one man, yay!) @OhILoveYourHairLikeThat

So many red flags - I really was forewarned of the most fucked up stuff ever. .

and then I read Lundy Bancroft and ticked them off the list....

Very relaxed saying sorry. They say it all the time.
Charming but very rarely tells stories where anyone else’s feelings feature
Chooses words carefully when nothing in the chat suggests they need to
Smiles in silence rather than answers a direct question
Describes themselves as “sentimental”

Impulsiveness

Can be fun and romantic but if it's a general trait = red flag. As in emotional highs and lows (tantrums), excessive unwanted gifts, speeding/dangerous driving, handling money very badly, addictions...

Wierd thing is they quite often tell you they are, with pride! So listen..

*Racism

Sexism and what women are 'expected to do

Every ex is a 'crazy psycho'

• Only one was, but the longer I was with him the more critical he was of all of them. In the early days he was "clever" enough to be neutral & philosophical about some of them. These guys know that you might think it's them if they describe every ex as problematic, some are not that stupid.

Pushy about sex/puts pressure on you

Proven liar

Stroppy if you go out with your friends*

Only hit 6 out if the op for my ex.

Anyone who 'accidentally' misses the last train home and 'has to stay at yours'

Anyone who says they want to get in bed with you and just cuddle and then tries anything more

Anyone who whines about you stopping when things get physical between you and you're uncomfortable

Anyone who isn't polite and respectful to bar staff and waiting staff and taxi drivers etc when you're on a date

Anyone that uses phrases like 'PC gone mad' especially if they say something like 'I'd offer to pay but you never know if women are going to take it the wrong way' first.

Anyone who does insist on paying but then makes it clear that you 'owe' them something - 'no, I'll get it, you can buy us a drink after' etc

*out of

Describes themselves as “sentimental”

Describes themselves as “old school".

Oh god, I feel like such an idiot reading all this. So glaringingly obvious, he may as well have had a flashing light stuck to his forehead.
I too, read Lundy with my mouth hanging open. Couldn't believe how perfectly he was describing my ex, even down to little phrases he would use. It's like they've all attended the same training course.

Funny that he always thought he was a cut above everyone else. Different to other people. It took everything I had not to let him know that actually, he's a walking stereotype of a bog standard abusive prick. People have written books about you, you're so clichéd. Not so special. Cunts like you are everywhere. 😂

• slags off his ex(es). They're probably psychopaths. Or he overshares about them - he'll do the same about you

• possessive of you seeing your friends or doing something else

• jealous - thinks you're cheating on him or that other men are after you

• yes aggessive about sex/makes you do things that you don't really want to

• "feeds back" on your omrelationships

• lies about anything, however small

• does he have friends? Does he get on with his family?

• everything is about him

• anyone who is grandiose*

Same bloke hit 9 on Anna's list.

Makes you do all of the running.
All his exes are psycho's.
Has to be Mr Nice Guy to everyone, rewrites history.

anyone who is grandiose

Talks about themself in the third person.

Sometimes I really cringe when I look back at my early 20s and some of the stuff I put up with. Wish I had run at the first sign.
I was far, far too nice, accommodating, nervous and had no backbone, and so eager to please these losers who didn't deserve me.
You live and learn !

Very uncomfortable with you having male friends/acquaintances.

Mulls over your sexual/relationship history if you mention it in (apparently) neutral conversation ... Harps in about it later/ makes judgemental comments etc

Ignores his own sexual histort in his assessment/judgement however.

*harps on

he overshares about them - he'll do the same about you

By several months into the relationship I knew that one ex had been raped anally by her porn using husband in a hotel at a wedding, another had been the carrier of messages between her mother and mother's affair partner (and had been hit in the face by her mother when she mentioned it as an adult), also that she'd cheated (well kissed another man) while married, and another had apparently cheated twice in her ex husband.

Before/while all this came out.

He illicted lots of stuff from me (not that hard as I'm usually pretty honest and open) by seeming the most easygoing, supportive, in my corner, kind, stoical.prrdon ever ... And then spread the worst of it around. Some before we even finished. When we were finishing I was crying and wondering if I was doing the right thing, yet my abiding memory is of him saying more than once "Don't bad mouth me and I won't bad mouth you".

He was going to no matter what, he just thought he'd have a go at getting me to keep schtum about his behaviour.

*person

Has DC he never sees because "SHE won't let me"

Talks to your tits, not your face

Checks out other women when on a date with you

Using 'Cheater's WhatsApp' immediately put me off!