Dating red flags

[Alaska10]

I have definitely experienced some of these in the past when I was more naïve and gullible, and it's important to keep a lookout for them in order to avoid what could be abusive or controlling situations, or just dating an utter belend or a player !

I'd say:
ANY form of violence whatsoever
Racism
Homophobia
Sexism and what women are 'expected to do'
Very tight with money-keeps receipts for what you owe him and makes sure things are split to the last penny
Every ex is a 'crazy psycho'
Out with mates 'getting pissed' every weekend unless an 18 year old student.
History of cheating/leaving partners for someone else
'one of the lads' very loutish and lairy
Rude towards wait staff and shop assistants
Massive mummy's boy
Overly needy- texting you again if you haven't replied as quickly as he would like, i.e. 10 minutes
You met online and they are 'leaving to go travelling soon' (unless you want a casual fling)
Pushy about sex/puts pressure on you
Aggressive when drunk
Wants to meet your kids/for you to meet his kids very early on
Proven liar
Stroppy if you go out with your friends
You feel like you're walking on eggshells
'not sure about you' after several months
'too busy' to see you for weeks

Feel free to add any others !

Oh god *sandals" that sounds horrendous. And very similar to mine.

I know about his ex's extremely abusive childhood, her teenage gang banging experiences, her body and what he didn't like about it, her apparently awful sex technique. Her sexual preferences which he apparently found repulsive. I know about her mental health issues. I have even seen photos of her naked. I'm pretty sure he told me about another ex liking to have sex with her dog too. or something. I'm not sure I didn't imagine that.

I'm not so stupid to know he has done exactly the same about me. As soon as he started with all this info (and he started gradually and built it up) I should have realised. I would now.

There's only so many psycho exes a man can have.

Iknow nothing much about my current dp's exes at all. He's respectful of and about them, and that's the way it should be.

• Has almost no social network.

• talks about their mental health needs/ suicidal ideation as a form of manipulation and control.

• always cancels plans (blows hot and cold)

• doesn’t show empathy or compassion for others.

• talks about themselves constantly.

• compares you to other women.

• Seems perfect - he's reflecting what you want back at you. You don't know him, he's in hiding.
• Watch the way he talks about women/treats women. Does he leer, talk down to, call women misogynistic names; 'My ex was such a bitch/slut/cunt...'
• Dismissive of you/your achievements
• One upmanship/you feel like you're constantly competing
• Sneers, glowers, narrows his eyes, when you say something he doesn't like such as having a different opinion
• Puts you 'in your place' with snide remarks and put-downs disguised as jokes - tells you you're too sensitive or he's only have a laugh, bantz innit
• Withdraws when you do something he doesn't like, even if you don't know what that is. Withdraws affection, sex, communication, self.
• Can't communicate. Can't discuss. Shuts you down. Stonewalls
• My way or the highway. You find yourself eating food he likes, seeing films he likes, he controls the TV, he controls where you go
• You find your friends and family are being distanced, shut out. They feel uncomfortable in your home when he's there. He tells you that they're no good, they've been saying things about you, you only need him, he's your family now. He wants to move away from your support network.
• Wants you to get pregnant quickly
• Puts his feet up and watches you serve him. Can't seem to boil water for tea. Boil washes your cashmere. Burns dinner. Buys the wrong things at the shops.
• Walks in front of you when you are out. Is always marching ahead. Chivvies you to hurry up.
• Always late. You're standing at the door waiting to go and he's running a bath.
• Takes things from you to do himself. You're opening the front door and he takes the keys from you to do it himself. You can feel him getting impatient and tutting under his breath.
• Always trying to prove yourself to him. You're not just another 'silly woman'.
• Won't let you drive. If you drive, undermines you. Makes remarks.
• If you're talking he tells you that he wants quiet. If you're quiet he tells you that he's fed up with silence
• Brings in other women. Ex's, really good female friends, female work colleagues. Talks about them in a praising way. The way you want to be praised. Sets you up in competition.
• Flirts with other women or eyes up other women when you're with him.
• Leaves you by yourself when you're out with him. Plays on the slot machines, pool, talks to others at the bar while you're sitting there by yourself.
• You can never resolve an argument. Constant circular arguments. He constantly points the finger back at you
• Never takes responsibility for his behaviour. It's always someone else's fault, always blames you
• Checks your phone. Checks your emails. Wants a joint email account and joint social media accounts. Listens to your phone calls. Makes loud comments about your family and friends when you're on the phone to them. Answers your texts. Answers your phone.
• Controls your time. Limits your time. You go to see your mum and he's expecting you back in an hour which is just enough time to get there and back. Tells you how you're spending your evening.
• Tells you where he's going, never discusses, never checks in with you first. You are expected to manage your time around him.
• Buys your clothes, comes with you shopping, goes through your wardrobe and tells you what he likes and doesn't like. Tells you to change as you're not wearing that. Tells you that you look a state. Looks at you and sneers.
• Makes demeaning comments about your body or any woman's body. Knows what you don't like about your body and uses that against you. comes up to you and rolls your fat or holds fat in his hands.
• Doesn't respect sexual boundaries. Paws at you. Wants to do sexual positions you don't like. Wants to do sexual things you don't like. Pushes you to do things you don't like. Grabs you, slaps you, gropes you in public.
• Compares you to other women. 'Bet you wish you looked like her.'
• Films you without your permission. Badgers you to film yourself.
• Tells you that if you loved you would.
• Won't take no for an answer, badgers you.
• Can't have sex because of the amount of porn he watches
• Has health problems and won't get them treated when they have a detrimental effect on you
• Has strong ideas of gender norms and stereotypes
• Has demands
• Gives you STDs then blames you for them
• Tells lies
• Criticises your likes and dislikes Sneers at you when you say you like a certain singer or writer or book or TV programme. What he likes and watches and listens to are right and you like is wrong
• Won't accept that you know what you are talking about. Has to check, has to ask someone else, won't admit he's wrong, won't apologise for doubting you
• Mansplains your job to you or your hobby
• Cruel to animals. Won't walk or feed the pets
• Has a cruel nickname for you like 'fatty' or 'thicky'
• Won't use condoms when you ask
• Gambles, alcoholism, takes drugs, has a porn addiction, workaholism
• Nasty friends. They don't talk to you, ignore you, bad mouth you, shut you out.
• Doesn't have your back. Will join in with someone bullying you or upsetting you
• Uses your vulnerabilities against you
• Tells people personal information about you.
• Tries to shame you or humiliate you in public
• Let's you down. You need him for support and he forgets. Is late. Gets drunk. Makes a show of himself.
• Destroys your items. Throws out items of sentimental value. Gives away your things.
• You ask for a decision on something, he tells you to decide then criticises your choice with anyting from which takeaway to home decor to where you go on holiday
• Doesn't like it when you're ill. Won't believe you're ill. Expects you to run around after him when you're ill
• Doesn't like you having more attention than him. Takes the attention away from you.
• Won't support you.
• Stands in your way and makes things difficult
• Stands on your foot, squeezes you so it hurts, elbows you a lot, kicks you in bed, pushes you out of the way, slams your fingers in cupboards or car doors, pushes you over, pushes off the sofa - all 'accidentally'
• Tells you things haven't happened. Denies something has been said. Hides things. Puts things back. Tells you you're imagining things. Tells you things you've said and done that you haven't.

-Accuses you of being hysterical when you're trying to talk. Winds you up and stays very calm, sneering at you when you lose your temper

• plays the sympathy card/ needs you to feel sorry for them.

Makes comments about female strangers 'I just don't know how people let themselves get so big'

'Look at the state of her!' Etc

Makes comments about family/ colleagues/ ex's/ children along the lines off 'she/ he needs a 'push' for their own good'

Overly invested early on

Making plans for months in advance early on to keep you around

Meeting family/ children early on

Comparing himself to hypothetical situation where he'd have done a better job/ made different decisions. The right decision

REFERRING TO ONSELF AS OCD! how did I ignore that one 🙈

He said it frequently (not repetitive or 'real' ocd)

OCD as in 'I have to do it my way'

Says an ex was a psycho. Said the same about me.
Subtle hints about my mental health.
Tried to get me sectioned.
The ex who was a psycho had an eating disorder, so did the one after me.
Constant references to my drinking problem.

Any constructive criticism and he'd twist it round to being about me - he was very overweight and if I suggested he lost weight it would be me being weightist, having weight issues etc)

Saying my place was dirty when his mum cleans his.
Mummy's boy.

Regular drinking (" I was really good this evening I only had a couple of pints" )

Constant references to friends yet you never meet them

Sudden new or revived friendship with a pal. Going round to Dave's is really going down the pub to fawn at the barmaid.

(And if you are reading this, I don't give a shit if it outs me because he nearly killed me and he'll may well do the same to you)

Phone is strangely silent when your with him or it is pinging and ringing but he doesn't answer but reads the messages.

Change of tone or words in texts - you think that the txt was for someone else (like calling you Babes when he normally says Hun or something)

Very keen to start with, very early references to you getting married.

Not meeting friends - using an excuse like your ' mental health issues' or ' your drink problem')

Says he's told you things when he hasn't.

Accuses you of things like secrecy and infidelity when...

The violence wasn't a red flag. It was the end.

The phone out of charge or out of signal.

Repeats things that a ' friend' had said about you, which are obviously said by a female who he was slagging you off to.

Regular skunk use. (Oh it's only weed)

Regular aspersions about your personality traits when they're just who you are.

Slagging off your education and social class to disguise his massive chip on the shoulder.

I need this thank you

• makes derogatory comments about women they have previously been involved with
• he is the victim of every ex because they are crazy/needy etc
• Extreme stinginess
• makes an effort in the beginning but once they've hooked you in, makes no effort at all
• Privacy settings on WhatsApp set so you can't see if message has been read
• Starts negging you; subtly at first so you're a bit confused, then more overtly, but basically a campaign of devaluation starts
• blames you for everything, they can do no wrong
• everyone else is an idiot apart from them
• Triggered very easily into anger
• Grandiose statements; 'I'm the most.......person you'll ever meet'
• emotionally unavailable
• pathological lying

• Accuses you of doing what they themselves are doing
• Projects their worst qualities onto you
• Comments about weight, looks, clothes etc
• Inability to empathise or compromise

Sorry if I repeat any - I have RTFT but I have to admit my memory is like a sieve with a great whacking hole at the bottom at the moment!

Demanding to pay - I used this as a tester after escaping my abusive ex a few years ago. I would always say I would pay for my own meal/drinks (courteously) and see how they handled themselves. Of the few dating experiences I went on I had the following:

One rambled on that he had an amazing salary so he would have felt bad if I paid as I ‘only worked at middle level’ another said I was being disrespectful to not let him pay as it’s traditional another got very red in the face and called me a ‘lesbian fucking feminazi’ ... my now DH said “okay, but next time can I treat you to the meal? Then if you want you can treat me to the one after ”.

Any mention of crazy exes.

Any judgmental comment on your choice of - well anything, from how you dress, to your makeup, what you choose to eat if you’re at a meal etc.

Lovebombing.

Expecting immediate responses from you but not showing the same ‘courtesy’ when responding to your messages.

Any attempts to put themselves on a pedestal. Mentioning passions and hobbies, job etc is fine, over the top boasting is not.

Turning up to a girls night out after two dates and professing undying love and stating he had a dream about the two of you getting married and having children - this happened to a friend of mine, she and I had gone to a comedy club after she’d met a guy for two dates. He happened to be there (on another date) but when he spotted her he tried to muscle in on our table and effectively abandoned his other date. We told him to sod off and invited her to join us.

Over touching/controlling touching is also a red flag for me, not flirty touching, but any attempt to put a hand around my shoulders, or on my shoulder. Also to silence if in a group, my ex did this, if I was getting on too well with his friends he’d stand to the side of me but ever so slightly in front, place his hand on my arm and start talking over me, after a while I didn’t even notice and just started to shut up the moment he approached...

I’m sure there are a few more but these are the ones that sprang to mind.

Mr charming, life and soul of the party in front of people, but angry, spiteful at home.

Compares you to other women.
Or compares your nose/ hair/ boobs to other women and you know you will never be able to look like them , to make you insecure.

Makes big financial decisions without you.

Kisses you and says he was thinking of your friend.

Never sticks up for you or defends you.

Loads more that others have posted previously.

Offering to split the bill on the first date (you pay for it, you tight prick).

Claiming to be mentally ill/depressed in order to get sympathy.

Having little desire to advance his career.

No friends.

More than one hobby.

Suggesting low-cost dates (again, he's a tight prick).

Talking about wanting children.

Not being able to drive.

Being extra close to parents.

Is texting a lot, first thing in the morning, through the day, whatsapping ( I know I use whatsapp for all my friends and family)..is that really a red flag. If it's a mutual thing, and you're learning about one another..can't get enough? Just curious really..granted, a lot of these are immediate red flags, but some, don't they depend on the people?

Good lord, is this what other blokes are really like? I had no idea. Can't believe you have to deal with so much of this nonsense.

Nobody has to deal with this nonsense but I am starting to believe OLD attracts a disproportionate amount of these nutters

I'd say it is a red flag if for example they are texting the person constantly and then getting annoyed when they cannot reply immediately, e.g. At work, and thinking they have nothing better to do than text them 24/7.
Also very paranoid when the person has gone out without them, texting them constantly to check up on them.

Yes if you're dating in your 40s there are more of these lunatics around.

I think constant texting is a red flag. I have dated a few people and the normal ones tend to have flurries of activity. The sociopath I dated messaged me constantly all day - from the good morning, to the evening facetime chats. He used to face time me at work, what's app constantly. For him it was a combination of love bombing (and thereby hooking you in) to a meethod of control - he really didn't want me speaking to anyone else and he wanted to know what i was up to all the time.

Normal people aren't like that - they have jobs to do, they aren't tied to their phone, they don't feel the need to facetime you when you're sitting in bed having your morning coffee. It's taken me a little time (post-sociopath) to realise what normal is.

Anyone who:

• shows up late for dates without a valid reason nor an apology
• makes a habit of ignoring your messages but expects you to responds to his straight away
• tells you he is ‘afraid to fall in love with you/ commit to you’ because ‘he’ll be too heartbroken if you ever break up with them’
• gets angry and insecure because you are not in the mood for sex, whatever the reason
• doesn’t ‘ allow’ you to have male friends or dress in a certain way
• badmouths their exes
• is not respectful of your houserules/pets/DC
• has outbursts that result in screaming/swearing/ reckless driving etc.
• has sexual preferences that indicate misogyny. Examples I have come across are wanting to urinate on women during sex, choking, asking partner to dress up in a schoolgirl uniform and wear pigtails .

Is it any coincidence that saying his ex is a psycho keeps cropping up?

I started a thread a few months ago: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3707884-My-ex-is-a-psycho

And it's another chance to bump www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3707711-Rosie-Duffield

Thanks @Skinnyex - the Rosie Duffield speech was so so chilling for me. Her ex was mine. It made me sob the first time I heard it.

Mine's ex has acted like a complete psycho actually. But it took me a little while to realise that he created her. he groomed and created her (she was decades younger than him, and already vulnerable by his own account) and after years of his treatment, his cheating, ghosting, lying, violence, rape, control, and abuse. Downright horrible horrendous abuse.

her apparently awful sex technique

Fk they're clones - mine talked about and even sort of mimed his favourite "crazy ex" 's BJ attempt/technique. She'd never really done it before but was willing to try with him.

(By favourite I mean the one he talked about and slagged off the most).

He also slagged off her family constantly ; because obviously they'd clashed with him over his behaviour. So they all had to be weird, dysfunctional, fakers (implying they'd bought a house when they were "only" renting it) etc.

Rudeness/dismissiveness to service/admin staff. (Thinks he's superior. )

Interrupts/ finishes sentences for you. (He things he knows it all.)

Tells you your job is easy/ he could do it standing on his head. (Ditto above. )

Has a misogynistic arsehole of a best friend.