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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this liimerance? How do I stop it?

60 replies

futuremrsconnor85 · 28/11/2019 15:12

Hi all, after some advice. Firstly,me and DP have been going through a bad patch. He's away at work half the week, comes home grumpy and tired and wants another baby but I don't (we have a DD, almost 2). We also haven't made love in a fortnight. A couple of weeks ago, a bloke added me on Facebook, probably rather innocently. He's very attractive. While we have never met, he's the brother of someone I know (I must have popped up on his people you may know list) and I can see from his photos that he had bought a house near where I live and separated from his wife. I noticed he viewed my Facebook stories first and he has even liked a couple of them. I have viewed and liked several of his stories. Well, the last week I have become obsessed, seeing if he's online all the time and Facebook stalking him. I think it's because he's the first attractive male to show me even a low level of attention in a few years. I have driven pass his house hoping to see him and spent a lot of the last week daydreaming about us running away together. Today I felt so obsessed with him I feel sick. This has escalated quickly. From what I've read, this might be limerance? But I've never even met him! I'm scaring myself to be honest. How can I stop this? Sorry if I sound like a psycho...apart from this I don't think I am! Has anyone had limerance before?

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 28/11/2019 22:26

oh that word....I wouldn't even know it if not for MN. Fucking insane. There was a long running thread I think.

OP you are a creepy obsessed stalker and need to put a sock in it, or get help.

Original poster
futuremrsconnor85 · 28/11/2019 22:28

With respect, I'm not a creepy obsessed stalker. Just a bored slightly lonely woman missing something from my relationship. Anyway, I'm making progress. Barely been on Facebook tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
futuremrsconnor85 · 28/11/2019 22:29

I wrote a poem. Maybe it will make some of you laugh, who knows maybe it could even help someone!

You added me innocently
I became obsessed
So handsome and not looking
For a woman possesed

A fiancee and a mother
Is what I'm supposed to be
But I'm looking for an outlet
Something exciting to me

How can something grip me
When we've never even met
Scared I might run into you
In the petrol station or vets

What would I saw if we ever spoke?
I really do not know
I must calm myself down now
And from insanity, let go

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 28/11/2019 22:32

Nothing says “I’m going to stop obsessing” like writing a poem about the person you’re obsessed with😆

Original poster
futuremrsconnor85 · 28/11/2019 22:34

It's not about the person, it's about the situation! It helped to get it down 'on paper'.

OP posts:
Original poster
futuremrsconnor85 · 28/11/2019 22:34

I know I'm acting totally ridiculously by the way! I don't want to behave like this

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 28/11/2019 22:39
Elieza · 28/11/2019 22:55

Liking your poetry skills OP!

If your relationship was better you wouldn’t even have noticed him. Defo fix that. And don’t have any more kids. If there was ever a single thing guaranteed to tip a rocky relationship over the edge it’s the stress of a new baby. Get married for financial security. And if you dont want to marry then it’s time to reconsider why you are with your partner.

Original poster
futuremrsconnor85 · 28/11/2019 23:05

Elieza, thanks! And thank you for the advice. I don't want another baby as I found motherhood so hard and feel like I'm only coming out the other side. I had early stage post partum psychosis which I won't go into here :( However, I think it's a deal-breaker for my other half. In arguments, he says 'You always said you wanted kids, not A kid' and he is from a large family himself but I'm going to have to be totally honest and say I just can't do it again. If its a game changer for him, I'll have to live with the consequences.

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 28/11/2019 23:21

I have done this in the past, so I can relate, I used to do it in the way to work in the car, used to help when there was music, in the end it was a distraction as my own relationship was failing and I was unhappy. I do it now still, buts it's about my OH and the life we will have when our house is done and we get married, and have more babies.

Elieza · 28/11/2019 23:58

When would your man even see the kid(s)? He’s not around much? Perhaps that’s what needs to change. New job. Less commute. Happier man? (And no more babies)!

MsPavlichenko · 29/11/2019 00:10

I don't get the "added me" thing. You get a FB request. You can accept or not. I don't always accept people even if I know them in rl.

Block him. Who cares what he thinks. Then distract yourself. Concentrate on what you and your DH might do to sort out your relationship. Or not. But forget this. You are indulging yourself and wasting your time.

I recommend ER on All4 or whatever it is called.

AuntyElle · 29/11/2019 00:26

Agree with Elieza. Some other PPs are totally overreacting. Driving (unknown) past the house of someone you fantasise about is not “stalking”.
Your OH is behaving awfully, OP. Guilt-tripping you about having another child is unacceptable in any circumstances, but after you’ve had PP psychosis it is just appalling. And meanwhile he’s working away Confused.
I think it’s understandable that you’re escaping into fantasy. As you say, looking at what you really want in real life has to be the best way forward. Flowers

Whathewhatnow · 29/11/2019 00:54

I think you are probably desperately unhappy in your relationship without realising it fully.
I think that is usually what 'limerence' is about. It's the total shutting down from your regular life/ relationship and channeling all your wants, needs and desires into a fantasy.

Been there. It is so unhealthy because your obsess-ee can never be what you want them to be.

Flowers OP. Hope you sort it out xx

Scott72 · 29/11/2019 02:07

This is classic limerance, by all accounts it can feel like you are going a bit crazy. It is quite intense. From other threads here, if you can completely ignore him and and block him where possible it should diminish within a month or two.

Your relationship sounds like its hit a roadblock. He really wants more kids, you adamantly don't. That is probably a dealbreaker. I don't think you should be considering marriage until you can sort this out, one way or the other.

CatAndHisKit · 29/11/2019 02:17

Nice poem, OP, great balancing of phrase/rhythm.

I think you know your r-ship is going to end soon (babies being too big an issue you disagree on) so deep down you are already looking/getting excited about other possibilities, which is also an escape from the first few stressful years of having a baby.

I wouldn't actually block him - he started it, he's single, what if he feels the connection and loves your photos as much as you do his? He didn't say anything inappropriate so it's not sleazy, wants to be a friend.
It's not healthy to obsess like that, but maybe work towards splitting up with your partner, and why not meet the guy in person through your mutual friend - you may be cured on the spot if he's not as portrayed on FB. Or you might have a real life connection, then when you are free, this can develop. Obvs it won't be just running away with him as you have a child but if you do connect in real life, it can happen (less impulsively).

Therebythedoor · 29/11/2019 07:14

The good thing is you know 'limerence' is not a good thing. It's not healthy and it's damaging in so many ways. I think if you are unhappy in your marriage then the last thing you need is to be in a limerent state because you avoid dealing with real life issues. And 'limerence' stops you seeing the true nature of person you are obsessing about. His interest in you is probably the self interest, or even simple curiosity, of seeing who is looking at his fb stories... You've probably built a scenario in your head that he's moved to be nearer to you. Deal with it now so you can land elegantly rather than fall back down in a massive crash.

AliceInStaines · 29/11/2019 09:48

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IdblowJonSnow · 29/11/2019 09:56

Nice post Alice Hmm
OP, whether we call it limerance or not, this is just a bit of an escape/diversion for you.
Your partner is completely unreasonable to what you to have another baby given what you've been through.
Do you work? Or will you be going back to work? I think you need to make some changes/take control.
I like your poem too, make sure your dh doesn't find it!!

AliceInStaines · 29/11/2019 10:35

Oh I dunno.

I don't think it's 'nice' to stalk other people, mooning over them and low level harassing them. Maybe you think that's ok by giving it a special name?

Windmillwhirl · 29/11/2019 11:11

He doesn't know she is mooning over him. I'm pretty sure in this case he's not in any harm.

It's sounds like fantasy and escapism and given how you are being treated I'm not surprised.

Slumberly · 29/11/2019 11:16

Christ, that's an awful poem.

theflushedzebra · 29/11/2019 11:19

I didn't know people can tell if you've read FB posts Shock

Omg I'm going to have stop stalking people on fb.

OP I'd say you have a crush because you have fallen out of love with your partner and are feeling bored/dissatisfied with your life. Which is understandable - but having this FB obsession on a bloke you've never met isn't that healthy - when you have a crush, you don't know the real person, your mind fills in the gaps, and creates the perfect person you want to fall in love with.

PersonaNonGarter · 29/11/2019 11:39

Limerance is a bullshit idea that women on MN tell each other about, because it is less painful than to believe their DHs actually fall in love with the OW.

It’s taking the crush-to-love phase and invalidating it as some kind of mental health issue. Not ‘real love’.

Anyway, OP. You don’t have love or limerance. You have bad case of escapism.

PersonaNonGarter · 29/11/2019 11:39

And that is a very bad poem. Grin