How to deal with gym goer husband

[AnxietyForever]

He goes to the gym 5 nights out of 7, he works full time and we have 2 children.
I work 2 days a week.

He does help out massively at home, always makes sure the kids are in bed etc before he goes but my issue is I don't feel like I see him much at all.
We can't watch tv together because he's at the gym until 10pm, I feel like I have no adult company most days and it's just frustrating really.

I would prefer him to go in the mornings before work on some days so we can spend some evenings together but he's not on board with that.

Any ideas?

He has an addiction to going to the gym

hat time does he get there? I think you need to tell him you feel like he is married to the gym and not to you

If he is that dedicated to exercise he needs to build a home gym; do you have some space (garage/conservatory/spare corner)?

Is he working towards a competition or anything? Or has he always been 5 nights a week.

I agree, homegym would be a great idea.

If someone wants to dedicate that much time to an activity they enjoy, then the other partner needs the same freedom. Would he be happy with going 2-3 nights a week and you get 2-3 nights a week to do something you enjoy while he is full-time with the kids? If not, then it's not really on.

Could he go early morning or another fiime

There are many ways to train 5 times per week without eating into 5 evenings. He only needs 1 hour max and whatever travel time.

He can go at the weekend in the morning or early evening
He can use his lunch hour or drop in on the way home from work.

He can get cardio fitness outside the gym , cycling or running slotted into daily routine. Run or cycle to work.

Lots of options if he wants them.

But like some people he may not want to sit and watch tv 5 nights per week.

Can't he do three evenings in the week and two daytimes at the weekend, then you get four evenings together (or two if you are out for two).

I just think for me it would be nice for us to spend evenings together. I go to bed early usually around 10 just as he gets in.

I will speak to him again and ask if he could do 2 mornings a week.

What happens on the nights you are going out?

Alternating evening and morning when you go 5 days a week is most likely not feasible in terms of rest and recovery.
Plus not everyone can exercise early.

The most realistic suggestion seems as per PP - weekend daytime visits and 3 nights in the week, then you get 4 evenings.

You can also consider hobbies of your own to fill in some evenings.

What a selfish fucker. You’d be within your rights to say you want the same amount of time for you. How would he handle that?

Also, He’s not prioritising your relationship at all. He’s putting himself first, first, first.

Is the gym obsession a recent thing?

Sorry to ask but do you believe that he's obsessed with exercise or do you think he's avoiding being alone with you for some reason, or has some other reason for going out every evening?

I agree with PPs that he should stay in with the DC half the time so you can have a life too. We'd all love to indulge in our hobbies as if we're single, but it's not usually realistic when you have young children. He seems to have found a exploitative loophole.

When do you get the chance o go to the gym if he goes 5 nights per week?

I am a bit conflicted as he clearly comes home first and watching tv
wouldn't be my idea of quality time together. Do you eat a meal together?

No it's not a recent thing, he's been going years on and off, but this pattern has been going on for a while now.

I agree it's selfish but he just says 'Well would you rather I be fat?'

Well would you?

My reply would probably be "yes I would. I would rather you be a bit out of shape and we see each other more. I'm alone in our marriage"

@MrsTumbletap
I would rather have some adult company on a evening than him be in perfect shape.

It's hard looking after young children all day for him to only be home 2 hours before he heads back out again.

You sure he’s at the gym? 🧐

My DH is a big gym goer, he’s also training for an event next year and it’s too cold to do so outside right now. He goes max twice a week in the evening and once on the weekend when he will take DD with him to the kid’s club whilst I have a lie in. Additional sessions are during his lunch break or before work. I’d be very annoyed at what you have described as I’d presume that he didn’t want to spend any time with me.

It's hard looking after young children all day for him to only be home 2 hours before he heads back out again

I thought he helped put the kids to bed and helped out in general before he went out so you don’t really have to do anything except sit and watch tv/read etc?

@Bellaxx8 Yep, usually gets home for around 6pm, kids go to bed just before 8ish and then he's back out again.

That's for the replies, yes he definitely at the gym.

It's always good to have perspective on things, I'll speak to him tomorrow.

Me and DH used to go to the gym five times a week (different gyms) and I wouldn’t say it was an addiction but once we had DC that had to change. He still goes 3 times a week and in theory I could too and we work it around either weekend plans or evenings to make sure he’s not out every night as I’d feel the same as you. Asking him to go in the morning a couple of times a week is fair.

He certainly can stay slim without spending 15 hours a week at the gym. That another PT job.

He has to know that what he eats is the biggest factor in what he weighs.

How old are you DC?

In what ways is he helping out massively at home? What exactly does he do every day at home?

In such situations, I'd say imagine if you were doing the same as him, staying out to do a personal hobby 5 nights of the week : what would his reaction be? Why should you not apply that reaction to him?