How to deal with gym goer husband

[AnxietyForever]

He goes to the gym 5 nights out of 7, he works full time and we have 2 children.
I work 2 days a week.

He does help out massively at home, always makes sure the kids are in bed etc before he goes but my issue is I don't feel like I see him much at all.
We can't watch tv together because he's at the gym until 10pm, I feel like I have no adult company most days and it's just frustrating really.

I would prefer him to go in the mornings before work on some days so we can spend some evenings together but he's not on board with that.

Any ideas?

He certainly can stay slim without spending 15 hours a week at the gym. He has to know that what he eats is the biggest factor in what he weighs.

The OP said he goes to the gym 5 nights a week, leaving at 8pm and back by 10pm. So that's 10 hours rather than 15 hours.

Why are you assuming he goes to the gym to stay slim?? Being slim is not a reason why most men go to the gym. To build muscle, to get fitter, for mental health and stress relief....those are more common reasons.

The OP seems happy with his contribution at home. Her concern seems to be wanting someone to watch TV with her for 2 hours each evening before she goes to bed at 10pm.

Omg he is being so selfish and really neglectful. How hurtful that he doesn't want to spend time with you. You have a family now and he has to make sacrifices too. He should go three times maximum. Don't let him walk all over you.
I had a similar situation and I really think it was more to do with avoiding spending too much time with the family. First it was diving then it was overtime then we separated. He didn't think that leaving a 3 and a half Yr old a two year old a new born baby and a crying mum for a weekend when he was on paternity leave unreasonable. Nip it in the bud now.

I really think it was more to do with avoiding spending too much time with the family

But the OP has already said that he spends time with the family when he gets home from work and only leaves for the gym after the DC have gone to bed. It's the OP who is missing out on time with him, not the DC.

What's the point? What does he do at the weekends with you?

Extreme exercising is an addiction of its own. He couldn't easily stop or even decrease easily. You need to decide what you are willing to put up with.

In his mind he's young free and single isn't he....

When do you get to pretend that you're young free and single OP?

Because that is what he told her

I agree it's selfish but he just says 'Well would you rather I be fat?' hmm

10 hour or 15 hours The point is he's out 5 days a week until 10pm. He's not single. He has a DW and DC at home. But you already knew that and don't need me to explain why it's wrong and selfish.

I don't think he's being monstrously selfish here. It sounds like he's doing maybe 5 hour long sessions per week, with another 5 or so hours getting there and back. I think that's at the upper limit is what is reasonable.

She's otherwise satisfied with his contribution (although I doubt he does a "massive" lot around the house, the main thing is she's satisfied). She wants to spend more time with him, which is reasonable.

First off, do you have adult friends you see during the day OP? You'll have to try and reason with him. Find something you can both do you can enjoy. I don't think he'll be satisfied with watching TV.

I agree it's selfish but he just says 'Well would you rather I be fat?'
The appropriate response here is what? Wait- ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!!
Pause
Actually I’d rather you go in the mornings, but the idea you are fat if you don’t go to the gym 5 times a week is ridiculous and personally insulting. You are welcome to go in the mornings, but if the evenings are the only time you need to cut back.

That’s a ridiculous comeback from him.

"Would you rather I was fat?"
"That's up to you to manage dear. Would you rather I was divorced because that's what happens to couples when they don't spend any time together and one person ignores what another person is telling them."

Five nights is excessive. He doesn’t seem to value connecting with you 1:1 and nurturing your relationship. He is not respecting your feelings and needs.

If my husband behaved this way and refused to compromise, I would assume that he had checked out of our relationship.

Some good points. Thanks for the replies.

Just to clear up he does help out, washes up after tea most days (sometimes I'll leave it for him to do after the gym), he hoovers if it needs doing, puts a load of washing every other day and puts laundry away (at least once a week).

I think I'm going to suggest him doing 3x a week.

I go out on Thursday evenings for a couple hours.

"I think I'm going to suggest him doing 3x a week."

You can suggest it, but he won't be happy about it, and he'll feel like he's being pressured. Now we can only guess why he feels the need to go 5 times a week, when 3 would be enough. Does he have some kind of low level exercise compulsion? Does he have some personal fitness goal?

You might not get an honest answer out of him, perhaps even he doesn't know. What activities can you suggest doing together that he might enjoy? But the main thing is he doesn't increase the time he spends on it.

I go to the gym four times a week. I'm useless in the morning so I don't go then, although I did try for a while. I'm self employed so I go in the afternoon when it's quiet, spend an hour or so and then come back to work. I quite like it this way, instead of going straight after work and having chaos around teatime, or getting teatime done and heading out...

If he's home at 10pm, what time does he go and how long is he spending there? Surely if he goes at 7/7:30 after bedtime, he can be back for 8:30/9 easily, and you can have some time together before you go to bed? And if some of those sessions are weights; he could do free weights at home and lose a session at the gym.

I wouldn't be too happy if my fiancé asked me to stop going to the gym because I find it's really good for my mental health and I'm trying to lose weight, but if he wanted to maximise time together and shuffle when I go and how often to do that, I'd be happy to give it a try... it's a bit damning if your husband isn't. What do you tend to do in the evenings?

Would suggestimg he works out later 3 nights a week work? Ie. He stays at home till 9pm, you have dinner/chat/watch TV together for an hour then he goes to the gym.

Having seen the later comments and update my advice to the OP would be to consider this from his point of view. He has about 50 hours per week when he doesn’t need to sleep or be at work. He uses 10 to go to the gym and do something that is beneficial to his physical and mental health. He obviously values fitness and health which is important if you have a sedentary lifestyle.

Asking him to forgo 4 hours to sit in front of the tv with you may not be something he wants to do. I would not make that binary choice. My reasoning would be that I spend 40 hours per week with you and the children. And, I want to be fit and healthy. Sitting in front of the tv is not go8ng to achieve that.

On the basis that you say he contributes to family life fairly and that you have plenty of other opportunity for adult conversation I think you are being a tad unreasonable. He may be being inflexible but that is something you need to maintain fitness.

Neither of them are being unreasonable here in my opinion. But asking him to give up gym time to sit in front of the TV doesn't sound like a good exchange, that's why I suggested trying to find something else they can do together, if he's amenable.

Swap to morning workouts or build a home gym !

It's not even about watching TV together, that was just 1 example.
Our youngest is 1 years old so looking after him can be tiring sometimes and I would like to just sit and chat to my husband on a evening when the kids are in bed.

I actually don't mind him going to the gym, it's good for him physically and mentally.

I just think 5 nights a week is excessive? I think 3 nights is more reasonable.

Men, on average, aren't as good as women at just chatting about stuff. One of the well noted differences between men and women. If you want to bond with him more you'll probably need to find some activity you can do together.

Scott72 That is an over generalization about gender differences and sexist.

You need a compromise: perhaps he can go 3 days one week and 4 the next. On the days he doesnt go you need to stay up later.. it seems unfair that you're complaining about him not being there in the evening but you're planning on going to bed early anyway!

Has he ever tried going before work?
I have no other option due to DHs work and now go 4-5 days a week at 6am. Yes it took some getting used to but after a few weeks it became routine and I wouldn’t go back now.

I get some people won’t be able to do that but I think he should try it if he hasn’t before.

Suggest going with him two nights a week. You need to organise sitters ( so perfectly demonstrates him using you to stay at home with the responsibilities). And you get to do something together.