I know im going to get alot, and I mean alot of hate for posting this thread here and i dont expect any sympathy or anything. I just want to write this all down and get it off my chest, i have nobody to talk to anymore so thought id get some beating on here instead.
Ok basically i am a male and been with my DP fo 10 years and have a 2 year old DS. I lost my job 4/5 years ago and and have not recovered money worries since then. I set up my on business and was closed don 3 years later through customers not paying up. Anyway i struggled to get another job for months i had savings to help me through and DP helped as he has a good job. I have been so down about money but never spoken up. I glossed over it as i hate speaking my feelings. Anyway, i got a new job lo pay while i find the right job. I went out with the lads and kissed a girl (never done this ever before to her) and i hated what id done. I ignored this girl texting me the following day and it got so much she started staling me on social media. I had to respond and say i wasnt single and had a family. But she started paying me attention and so much compliments and i loved it as i had never had this attention for years from DP. We messaged and se was desperate for me to meet her and i just couldnt ut pressure was too much and said better now or never see me. So i made a stupid lie up to DP and she caught me out and i had to explain everything, we split up and OW range me a few days later saying she needs to see me to see how we feel. I think she loved me but it had only been 2 weeks, it scared me but i kept taking her calls! i got greedy and we met and slept together (she has a DH and 2 x DC)! I felt sick and awful, i left straight away. I ended it all and told my DP i just wanted her and was so sorry etc. I blocked OW and she told my DP about the night together in a rage so i had to explain the lot. Luckily DP still gave me the chance and because i was truthful maybe it worked. Then a month later after gaining a bit of love back OW stalked me again on social media to get my attention. i ignored it a while and didnt want to get into this again but eagerness got the better of me and i accepted a chat, i explained i was sorry about he way i ended it etc. but then we started talking again and we were chatting, i had chances to end and i ignored her for a few days but she kept talking me around. (i have no backbone and have let her dictate this for some reason). I was always planning on ending it as i didnt want to ruin my life so some stupid behaviour!
We messaged on and off until last week where we arranged a night with our friends on same night so we could meet. It lasted 5 mins and was so awkward i got away and left it there to next bar. both DPs found out that night and had to explain everything.
I have lost my DP and DS for my stupid selfish actions! Twice! I never learned and craved attention for no reason when i had it at home. I am so ashamed of myself i havent left he house for work or anything, not eaten or drinking. I have no choice to deal with what ive done because i have no chance to get her back.
I m a sick, vile horrible creature, i have beaten myself up and i regret everything I have ever done! I make myself sick!
I am now so low i have applied to get counselling as i have nobody to talk to, my money problems, low esteem, self-consciousness , lies, gambling and drinking when i go out. I hope i can change myself and become a better person.
I have begged for another chance with DP, even to see DS too. I know i have no chance to get her back but i will beg as much as possible.
I know alot of people have been through this but on the receiving end more i guess as cheaters wouldn't subject themselves to this abuse i am about to get.
I know for a fact i would never treat anyone so badly again, ever. I know i will change and my morals have definitely changed as I cannot stand what i have done!
Does feeling this bad ever get better? i know i dont deserve to.
Can i ever get my DP back?
Will my DS ever forgive what i have done to him and his mother?