Any advice on my now cold distant gf appreciated

[Sparkyork]

Hi all I've known my gf for around 17 years we get on really well and just clicked, up until 2 years ago I've always thought she was cute but as she was married I respected her husband obviously! They have now been separated, the first time they seperated we found each other and just bonded, she's got 4 kids whome I've known all there lives we got on great until a year or so ago she decided to try again with her husband which I've always encouraged, that didn't work as she was always coming to me for emotional support and fast forward to 3 weeks ago we were just perfect it was like heaven, she used to take the odd risk in letting the kids see us laid in bed, nothing dodgy just laid and the odd cuddle, but with Xmas coming up she's started considering her ex's feelings more and not letting her kids see or think so much, which I do understand. Now obviously I noticed thus slight change, one particular week I'd been working away from home and missed my gf and the kids terribly, she messaged me on Friday and said as you've not slept great etc we can get the kids to sleep on Friday night and go to bed snuggle and sleep, I was really looking forward to it, the perfect ending and start to the weekend, laid with the one I love. I cooked us both a steak that night then as we sat and watched stranger things, after it finished she said im only staying over if I stay on the sofa, this did gut me I was really looking forward to sleeping with her, not sex just sleeping. I couldn't sleep as I wasn't mentally prepared for a sofa after been away all week, but did eventually.
When I woke up I fealt a bit deflated and a bit sad, she thought I was just tired and tried to perk me up, I was talking to everyone been civil just sad. So on the way with the kids to do some shopping late morning, I was starting to come round and really wanted too, she asked what was wrong so I said im upset because protecting your ex's feelings has upset me, she just said oh this, and got mardier and mardier all day, I desperately wanted to be ok but she was slipping away, all I wanted was my feelings considering, as I said I wasn't ignoring anyone I wasn't shouting etc, we got back home and she just sat in the front room with the kids, I knew something was wrong so messaged her what i should do, she just said I need some space, I was gutted she couldn't find a few minutes to just talk to me and I left, know shouting, but did a little wheel spin as I fealt let down emotionally.
That was Saturday the following day she went to football with her young son and to some fireworks with her the ex and all the kids. I then went working away for the week again, desperate to talk to her, but was just getting really distant cold messages, not the usual loving ones, 3 weeks prior she said she loved me. I was gutted we wernt even speaking we used to speak on the phone every day for a good hour at least, up until Wednesday last week she was still cross with how i reacted to been disappointed nut she said she does get why I was disappointed but doesn't get my reaction, which wasn't even that bad ! She has to accept that she's protecting the ex at my expense and my feelings, I said all we should of done is cuddled instead before you went to bed on the sofa for ten mins just to make us both feel happy again, she didnt put much effort into trying to console me. She called it pathetic, and immature. She pretty much silent treated me with no attempt to fix anything, it was killing me so I made the mistake of talking to her adult daughter, about it which annoyed her mum, so she went mardy at me for that which I understand, but although she unstistd she never knew about us, I know she did. So it's now ten days nearly, she rejected a call last night, I sent her a heart fealt message saying how much I miss her, and how I want to hear her voice, she's still cold and still banging on about how she gets my disappointment at not been able to sleep, but not my reaction, but my reaction wasn't that bad, I never shouted etc, I didn't ignore her like she is me, why can't she accept my feelings were hurt and that was my reaction, to go quiet in the morning and try and perk up during the day but failed cos she was just getting more cross. It feels like she's going to finish me but my sister and my best mate can't understand how i can get finished because of something she's adding to the relationship that I've gotta deal with and why she can't push past, see that she's as much to blame as me and work things out, no phone call really hurts, the last time she went like this pushing me away she got back with the ex, but she has alwys been honest about that so think she would of told me, I wonder if she's met someone else as she feels the same, like she doesn't want me anymore. I know talking to her daughter wasn't great but she must appreciate that emotional silence really hurts, why isn't she trying to fix this, can I get dumped just because i got my feelings hurt, oh I also read narcissists sometimes struggle accepting responsibility for things and have often joked about it with her, and subsequently posted a narc meme on th that she has loved after I told her it's more a prediction cos of how she is, thought it might help her see, Any help comments appreciated

It just sounds like a big mess of a situation.

Take a break, get some counselling for yourself and find out why you feel prepared to be so needy and dependent on a woman who has dragged her kids into a really messy situation and added to it by involving and then dumping you unofficially.

You sound v young - don't you deserve a straight forward, equal relationship with no kids getting mixed up in it?

The OP says he’s 42, @Ruffle. I agree that this all sounds very young.

Whatever excuse she’s giving you, she’s not into you anymore. You were most probably a re-bound.
She knew you had feeling for her for the past 17years and has used you for an ego boost.

Thanks for all the Input everyone just got back from her house and she understands the disappointment of not been able to sleep together, didn't help I tried walking how i fealt off, was perking up when i told her the reason the only reason she got cross was because shed spent 2 hours thinking I was just tired, she said if I told her first of all shed of offered some form of comfort, I'm not demanding this, this is however something I'd do for the person I loved too, I'm unsure if I could get so cross from her taking a couple of hours to spit out what was bothering her tho.
The talking to the daughter thing was a big mistake no excuse for it other than struggling to deal with cold messages for 4 days and no usual phone calls to sort anything out, I was in a crap place and messed up. She said she couldn't trust me again because I said to keep the messages between us, again was messed in the head and just needed to speak to someone who knew us both, I know it was stupid.
So yeah dumped.
Appologies to the ppl I've rattled, I don't mean to go on, it's only because my head has been full of scrambled eggs.
Im a wear my heart on my sleeve type of guy and do feel things that most ppl wouldn't feel as much for if that makes sense, don't mean to sound childish
Cheers

OP, in the nicest possible way, other people do feel just as acutely as you do, but most of us don’t imagine it’s someone else’s responsibility to manage our feelings for us. Or we don’t expect the other person to tiptoe around our Feelings with exaggerated respect.

I binned a bloke once because his feet looked small and fat in socks.

1. People can fall out of love
2. If you’ve had enough of someone cold and distant is generally the way things go - she’s not being cruel, she’s just had enough of you
3. Sometimes people don’t say ‘it’s over’ it just is
4. You don’t get to decide her reasons for wanted to end it, or whether they’re good enough reasons
5. Sulking because you’re disappointed is childish, immature and a bit pathetic - if your time is so precious, why the fuck waste it with the passive aggressive bs
6. It’s not typos, your grammar is horrific.

1. I did 4 twice...
2. Clingy is NEVER sexy

She didnt ever feel pressured into offering support she's always been like that, she's like it with everyone, one of her qualities.
Thanks guys I'll take on board what everyone said
Thanks

Leave the woman alone! If she is mucking you about, walk away with your head held high. Honestly, chalk it down to experience and move on.

OP you are starting to sound really creepy and obsessive. You need to leave her alone.

“ We've been messaging about the subject in a more calm manner, and maybe getting through to her a bit more, she's I think starting to maybe think she could of done a bit more at the time to protect how I fealt as we were both protecting her ex. A long way to go and who knows.”

Get a grip mate, and stop embarrassing yourself.

You may think that you are sensitive, heart in your sleeve etc, but you’re coming across as emotionally feeble, and generally women do not like that. Why would they?

You also sound like you really want your own way despite how the other person clearly feels.

Stop the nonsense now.

OP, in the nicest possible way, other people do feel just as acutely as you do, but most of us don’t imagine it’s someone else’s responsibility to manage our feelings for us. Or we don’t expect the other person to tiptoe around our Feelings with exaggerated respect.

Exactly right from PP. It doesn't sound like you're taking one board anything at all. I thought you might have a bit when you said "no excuse" but it was swiftly followed up with "other than" and some excuses.

It sounds like you want / need the kind of relationship where you're totally wrapped up in each other and a bit obsessed. That might work with some people but she has kids and her own life.

You'll struggle at 42 to meet someone who can give you the constant level of emotional attention you seem to need.

I was with someone who is the type of personality you seem to be. He also thought he was very sensitive and felt things deeply. What he actually meant was that when he didn't agree with me or I didn't express something in the exact words he felt I should, he would make dramatics and psychoanalyse me to try and uncover why I had done it "wrong" and how to make me see I had done wrong. When I hadn't. I just didn't agree with him or do exactly what he wanted me to do.

Can you see the being in a relationship with your level of emotional intensity would be exhausting? I think it would be really good for you to look into some counselling so you can feel calmer and more prepared for future relationships.

OP, I find your posts worrying and uneasy to read. Pretty much everyone is overwhelmingly saying the same thing and you are not listening. You start your sentences with ‘i’m taking onboard’ but you really are not.

If she tried to tell you it was over, you probably did not listen and you probably argued the toss with her for hours to prove to her she is wrong for wanting to end it.

She doesn’t sound like she had a choice but to ignore you as you are in denial. Whether she is right or wrong, lovely or a complete bitch, please hear her out and leave her (and her children) alone.

I'm not going to beat you down OP you sound very miserable. After all those years carrying a candle you had a chance at it and I can understand why it's so distressing to find it's not working out.

I don't think she has been very kind to you, I think she's been hedging her bets a bit. It's clear she's had enough though and so you do need to cut the ties and accept it's over or at the very least her ex will always come first. You deserve someone who is focused on you.

If you do manage to cut contact and leave her alone thoroughly, which means no begging texts or calls desperately trying to analyse the relationship she might find she misses you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. But even if not you'll regain some self respect hopefully and be in the right place to find someone who IS into you. Good luck.

I'm sorry things haven't worked out as you'd have liked, OP. That's never easy and I hope you feel better soon.

was perking up when i told her the reason the only reason she got cross was because shed spent 2 hours thinking I was just tired, she said if I told her first of all shed of offered some form of comfort,

You can't tell someone else the reason why they are cross. That's just bizarre. Also what did you need comfort for? It sounds like you see yourself as some sort of wounded emotional invalid. That's not attractive and I suspect you've given her an out with talking to her daughter about stuff.

For future reference, you don't feel things more deeply than other people. Perhaps you have never learned how to properly process your own emotions. It might be worth looking into some counselling to help you be more emotionally stable and ready for future relationships.

I do listen to what everyone is saying, last night was the only time we got to talk about it, I'm sorry I don't understand you can't tell someone the reason they are cross?
She seemed colder that night before any mentions of sleeping upstairs, we've bickered before in the past and she's usually much more willing to call within hours not days and days, the daughter thing was bad but do believe it's more of an excuse, she's been lying to her own family covering us up so she wouldn't loose there trust they'd understand, so not sure I believe that's all as it seems, her daughter yes i shouldn't of spoke to but the ex has always maintained she didn't know, but forgets her comments when her and her boyfriend heard me and the ex making noises upstairs and all the other totally obvious signs were not just good friends, which there are many.
Sorry I've come across as people think, this girl is the only person I've ever fealt like this for and the only person I've had this level of connection across the board with, her own words were we are perfect which I loved.
It's all been allowed to get out of control shed given up and wanted something else to be free maybe, all I do know is is that she's always getting attention of other people she likes to selfie when she needs a pick me up, she talked to me when she was breaking up with the temporary boyf before me and after her ex, and talked to me when she tried to get back with the ex but wanted me, i do believe there's another man involved who's helped pick up the pieces this past two weeks, there always is with her, there's always someone she has her eye on, thanks everybody I maybe do need counselling i dont know, just heartbroken knowing that the chance of funding something like this again is pretty small, the only reason we got on so well is cos of our bond over all these years which made been lovers and a team heavenly. I don't think I'll ever find that again and do believe she was my soul mate and the one I'll always wonder about. All this because of an ex she wasn't prepared to tell, when we'd been together long enough for him to be told, she has to accept his feelings and her kids but if you love someone you love someone, he'd always be the father and couldn't expect her to remain single just to please him either.
Thanks again everyone

You both sound wrong tbh. She can't be alone and seeks constant validation. You sound emotionally immature and want to force things to go your way. Why would you want someone that is only using people as she can't be alone? Doesn't sound like a catch.

The ex is a red herring, OP. She just isn’t as invested in your on-off relationship as you are. You see the 17 years thing as meaning you are made for one another and have a longterm deep bond, whereas for her it sounds as if you’re almost family (especially if you used to go out with her sister), and there as an emotional shoulder to cry on once she’d split from the father of her children — especially as you say you actually encouraged her to get back together with him! You seem to have colluded in getting yourself sidelined as a potential romantic partner.

What you describe as ‘perfect’ sounds from your account more like a doomed involvement in someone’s very messy, gradual split from the father of her children, in which you unfortunately got involved as collateral damage.

All you can do is draw a line under it, lick your wounds and learn lessons for future relationships. As pps have said, you need to acknowledge that other people can feel just as deeply but differently about a situation, and that stifling emotional neediness and inability to manage your own emotions is unattractive in any potential partner.

Thanks trees, I've probably not got that much relationship experience true as everyone is gathering, the previous girlfriend as ive been single for ten years was her sister and was always doing the same thing here, hiding things from everyone incase the ex found out, she cheated and I moved away, she subsequently met someone else and her ex found out very quickly. I've probably got some insecurities given my previous experiences, and as I know her sister soon told her ex when she met Mr right, I can't help but feel I was never the one for her, as I fealt if she loved me shed put her own life and her feelings towards me at a very similar level to her ex, especially as we've known for two years how we connect, and got the special friendship many years before

I know you think she's your soulmate but if she's hiding your relationship from others and always got her eye on someone else then it doesn't sound that perfect really. Wouldn't it be better to be with someone who is proud to be with you and only has eyes for you? I don't think that'll ever be her from what you've said. Honestly, this isn't the girl for you. Best of luck though, it is upsetting when things end and you waited a long time for a chance.

The reason I said it's bizarre to tell someone why they are cross is because she knows her own mind and knows why she is cross. It's like saying you know her mind better than she does and that would be very annoying.

I really feel for you. It sounds like you think you two had a special connection but she doesn't feel the same. You tried it and it didn't work. I don't think she's been entirely fair/open with you but your style of communication seems OTT and draining. I hope you move on and find someone that you're better suited to

@Sparkyork if she doesn't want to share a bed with you even to just cuddle then she clearly isn't really into you

She did feel like she has eyes only for me, it's more when she goes distant like she has shes usually not alone, she's a very attractive girl and feel certain someone else has taken my place of healing her

Thanks indie but it was just so the kids wouldn't see, but we have been in the same bed many times before, not naked unless there at the dad's, and greeting all the kids first thing in the morning with cuddles and laughs, unless that means cos that stopped that it's all because she's not into me who knows

Thanks amia she told me why she was cross, she was cross because for two hours she thought I was just tired until I told her what was wrong, and that I should of mentioned it first thing in the morning and we'd of been ok