Any advice on my now cold distant gf appreciated

[Sparkyork]

Hi all I've known my gf for around 17 years we get on really well and just clicked, up until 2 years ago I've always thought she was cute but as she was married I respected her husband obviously! They have now been separated, the first time they seperated we found each other and just bonded, she's got 4 kids whome I've known all there lives we got on great until a year or so ago she decided to try again with her husband which I've always encouraged, that didn't work as she was always coming to me for emotional support and fast forward to 3 weeks ago we were just perfect it was like heaven, she used to take the odd risk in letting the kids see us laid in bed, nothing dodgy just laid and the odd cuddle, but with Xmas coming up she's started considering her ex's feelings more and not letting her kids see or think so much, which I do understand. Now obviously I noticed thus slight change, one particular week I'd been working away from home and missed my gf and the kids terribly, she messaged me on Friday and said as you've not slept great etc we can get the kids to sleep on Friday night and go to bed snuggle and sleep, I was really looking forward to it, the perfect ending and start to the weekend, laid with the one I love. I cooked us both a steak that night then as we sat and watched stranger things, after it finished she said im only staying over if I stay on the sofa, this did gut me I was really looking forward to sleeping with her, not sex just sleeping. I couldn't sleep as I wasn't mentally prepared for a sofa after been away all week, but did eventually.
When I woke up I fealt a bit deflated and a bit sad, she thought I was just tired and tried to perk me up, I was talking to everyone been civil just sad. So on the way with the kids to do some shopping late morning, I was starting to come round and really wanted too, she asked what was wrong so I said im upset because protecting your ex's feelings has upset me, she just said oh this, and got mardier and mardier all day, I desperately wanted to be ok but she was slipping away, all I wanted was my feelings considering, as I said I wasn't ignoring anyone I wasn't shouting etc, we got back home and she just sat in the front room with the kids, I knew something was wrong so messaged her what i should do, she just said I need some space, I was gutted she couldn't find a few minutes to just talk to me and I left, know shouting, but did a little wheel spin as I fealt let down emotionally.
That was Saturday the following day she went to football with her young son and to some fireworks with her the ex and all the kids. I then went working away for the week again, desperate to talk to her, but was just getting really distant cold messages, not the usual loving ones, 3 weeks prior she said she loved me. I was gutted we wernt even speaking we used to speak on the phone every day for a good hour at least, up until Wednesday last week she was still cross with how i reacted to been disappointed nut she said she does get why I was disappointed but doesn't get my reaction, which wasn't even that bad ! She has to accept that she's protecting the ex at my expense and my feelings, I said all we should of done is cuddled instead before you went to bed on the sofa for ten mins just to make us both feel happy again, she didnt put much effort into trying to console me. She called it pathetic, and immature. She pretty much silent treated me with no attempt to fix anything, it was killing me so I made the mistake of talking to her adult daughter, about it which annoyed her mum, so she went mardy at me for that which I understand, but although she unstistd she never knew about us, I know she did. So it's now ten days nearly, she rejected a call last night, I sent her a heart fealt message saying how much I miss her, and how I want to hear her voice, she's still cold and still banging on about how she gets my disappointment at not been able to sleep, but not my reaction, but my reaction wasn't that bad, I never shouted etc, I didn't ignore her like she is me, why can't she accept my feelings were hurt and that was my reaction, to go quiet in the morning and try and perk up during the day but failed cos she was just getting more cross. It feels like she's going to finish me but my sister and my best mate can't understand how i can get finished because of something she's adding to the relationship that I've gotta deal with and why she can't push past, see that she's as much to blame as me and work things out, no phone call really hurts, the last time she went like this pushing me away she got back with the ex, but she has alwys been honest about that so think she would of told me, I wonder if she's met someone else as she feels the same, like she doesn't want me anymore. I know talking to her daughter wasn't great but she must appreciate that emotional silence really hurts, why isn't she trying to fix this, can I get dumped just because i got my feelings hurt, oh I also read narcissists sometimes struggle accepting responsibility for things and have often joked about it with her, and subsequently posted a narc meme on th that she has loved after I told her it's more a prediction cos of how she is, thought it might help her see, Any help comments appreciated

@OctoberLovers

With men apologists like yourself enabling bad behaviour from people such as the op, it's no wonder women have such hard lives..

@Sadiesnakes

Im not a "men apologist" at all...

Just think people make mistakes, and do stupid things when they are "in love"

Not for a second do i agree with the kids seeing them in bed together, i dont think that is right, and i didnt say that....

The children have to come first...

I read this as a man stupidly in love and not thinking straight, if im wrong and your right then so be it.

But there are so many weird threads this days, who knows

Sadiesnakes seems a little harsh, I like to think I'm one of the more kind and caring ppl out there, don't forget i was offered no consolation off my gf or ex gf, if i had an ex at the table and expected my gf to cope with It day in day out I'd make sure she still fealt special, as considering an ex's feelings (her own words) does upset the person your supposed to be with, it goes hand in hand surely, you protect someone else at the expense of your partner. I had feeling that were hurt, she does understand that, doesn't mean I've got bad behaviour for having feelings

Didn't you say that your ex is her sister (I think you said this earlier) so presumably she is also on the scene?

I appreciate you're struggling to accept that she isn't as invested in this relationship as you are but it really shouldn't be this hard.

You obviously aren't compatible and as much as you say what you would do if the roles were reversed / what you wish she would do / what you think she could do if she tried etc... that isn't the reality of the situation.

I don't think everyone is meaning to be harsh it's just frustrating that you've taken the time to lay bare your relationship in a public forum and tell her you've done so "because you won't talk to me", then not take on board any of the feedback people have given.

I’m going to be brutal because many others have said the same thing nicely and you’ve ignored them, but at best you are sounding obsessive about her and for whatever reason she is not interested. It comes across that you were a comfort but not ever a genuine relationship to her. You need to back away before you end up being accused of harassment.

don't forget i was offered no consolation off my gf or ex gf

But neither of them owes you any 'consolation'! You're getting the same advice as you would if you were female talking about a man who seemed to be leaning back towards an ex, or to be two-timing you with someone else -- end things, move on, cut your losses.

And next time, embark on a relationship with someone who is equally invested in you, and don't muddy the water by encouraging them to go back to their ex (!!) and acting as emotional support when they do, before getting back together with them again subsequently.

Like it or not, you are partly responsible for creating this situation.

OP your messages are a struggle to get through, you're just stuck on a loop. Life is not 'fair'. Fair does not equate to us getting our own way because we feel we can justify why something should have happened. That is subjective.

She doesn't want to be with you, she sounds like she uses you for emotional support because you offer it up in the hope of more from her. Doesn't mean she secretly wants anything else from you or that she doesn't know her own mind. No need to rewrite your own narrative that she was into you until 'x' and still would want to have a romantic relationship with you I'd that weren't the case. She doesn't.

Male 'friends' who lurk in the wings waiting for their chance when someone needs emotional support aren't at the top of my potty list either. You may have liked her for years but she does not reciprocate, a few weeks was enough for her to realise this.

Yes I used to go out with her sister about 14 years ago, me and my gf or ex gf what ever she is until she lets me know, we got on very well and are very compatable, I've laid the information out knowing that it's highly unlikely she will find it as there are many, I've mentioned no names etc, all the signs before we were going really good, she's still messaging me so I think harassment is a bit harsh if I'm been honest, thanks though for your input

You sound like an ex of mine! Too much too soon and honestly just a bit whiny and pathetic. The "not being off with anyone, just sad" ugh I can picture it now. So annoying!

I've never heard of anyone having to "mentally prepare" for sleeping on a sofa. I would consider speaking to her daughter about it as being unacceptable and grounds for dumping!

I'd leave her be.

The details are very specific and you told her you've asked people online about it because she doesn't want to talk to you about it. That is manipulative.

Good luck OP you aren't going to listen to anyone trying to give you constructive advice and you probably aren't going to listen to her saying it's over either.

I genuinely you can move on from this and find a healthy relationship in future.

Water off, fair play were all different and to be honest i take offense to your comment, you know nothing about me I've given details and she understand why it upset me, most ppl don't have an ex as part of there relationship like this, it's hardly normal, all I've been is honest with her, she'll understand why I have asked some questions online, I'm not trying to manipulate anything, just as she isn't when she says she can't ear can't sleep eat etc, it's hit us both I'm listening to things ppl are saying but until I'm home and speak with her, no one knows what the outcome is, thanks again for every ones words, some nicer than others but thanks all the same

OP - it does sound like a very painful situation and I feel for you. You do need to back off. Apart from anything, repeatedly asking her for explanations will just annoy her (as it almost certainly would you, if the positions were reversed). She is entitled to move away from the relationship if she wishes to and the fact that she wants to is actually sufficient explanation. Whatever the reason for it, people don't move away from relationships that they intend to be in.

Also, you know, pretty much all of us have been in the position of loving someone who doesn't love us back and having to move on. Many of us have been in that position more than once. And we've grown and learnt from it. It's significant that you haven't had a relationship since your previous girlfriend, her sister, split up with you a decade ago. Instead, you say you have waited on the sidelines for this lady. Perhaps you have very romantic notions about how a relationship should be, and it probably hasn't helped you. Because you opted out of relationships until this lady become available, you have not developed the understanding and maturity about relationships that most people do over time and you have been considerably more invested in the relationship than she has.

Based on you having known each other for 17 years and her having an adult daughter, I'm guessing you're at least in your 30s but from your posts you sound quite a lot younger: you go into immense and minute detail about you and your feelings, but there is no real acknowledgement of how other people may be feeling beyond how it relates to you. You also seem to have a very one-sided perception of your interactions. It's striking that you keep making this about her ex but, frankly, I can understand why she doesn't yet want her children to see her in bed with a man, even one who is well-known to the children; this may well have nothing to do with her ex and be entirely to do with boundaries around her children. In any case, she has four children and unless they are all grown up and well established in life, the vast majority of her time and emotional energy will be invested in them right now (and will always remain considerably invested). She just won't have the time or energy to do a lot of looking after of anyone else's emotional well-being. That's all natural and normal. The thing is you do sound like you need rather a lot of looking after emotionally.

I'm sure you have many good qualities to offer a partner who is able to be with you. But please don't wait another 10 years before deciding to date again. Learn from this experience. You might also find it helpful to do some reading up around Romance/Love Addiction and Avoidance Addiction (these are unhelpful patterns of behaviour which can be changed when consciously addressed). It sounds like you work hard. If you are able, it might be a good idea to get busy with some leisure activities for your free time so that you're building a life without this lady in it; you'll be busy and distracted and over time the pain of this will fade and when you enter your next relationship, you can bring greater experience and maturity to it and your investment in it will grow naturally over time, rather than resulting from a 10 year wait and, in particular, being very out of synch with what your partner is feeling.

Wishing you all the best.

Mentally prepared as in been working away all week, cooked us both some tea had a lovely evening watched a film, wasn't mentally prepared to sleep on a sofa and uncomfortable one at that, not hard to grasp tbh, when all you've wanted is a familiar place to rest your head all week

when all you've wanted is a familiar place to rest your head all week surely you'd want to go home then? Mental preparation just sounds like you're making a meal of it.

It wasn't meant to offend it's just how your post comes across and may be worth considering how you come across to her?

Lots of ex's are involved in peoples lives if they've had children with them so I wouldn't worry about that, it is or should be normal. My partner and I both showed compassion and understanding to our ex's and were careful how we went about our relationship due to us having kids with them. If she can have a positive relationship and co parent with him that should be encouraged. My son's dad cheated on me when I was heavily pregnant and I left 3 weeks postpartum when I found out it was happening. So, a bad break up. However I speak to him in a friendly way and if anyone heard or saw us when we interact they'd assume we're friends. It's best for our son. I had an ex (the one you remind me of) who had a problem with this and was "hurt" I didn't want my son or his dad to know about the new relationship until I was more sure of things. He was also unhappy we attended some events together (such as school plays/son's birthday party etc) so I binned him.

Thankyou everyone I've taken everything on board, I'm actually 42 next month lol I've not waited for her specifically for ten years just held back from meaningless flings until i fealt something was right if you know what I mean, i do consider her ex's feelings very much and fully understand why she would wish too, I know we all have a story to tell and I'm grateful for everyone's input, i am a sensitive person which is one of the things she likes about me, quite empathic, I'll see what happens give her some space which all im doing is responding to her texts at the mo as I'm working away from home still. I'll let everyone know the outcome

I do hope you're OK OP, my comments have come from a place of being in your partner's position and perhaps understanding her way of thinking and how hard it is to end things with someone who is resolute that it's meant to be etc which is how you come across.

One thing you said that I picked up on - worth you thinking about just as an ongoing thing:

Sensitive is feeling things deeply.

Empathy is genuinely being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and feel what they feel.

Incredibly different things. I appreciate sometimes people combine the two when describing themselves but in actual fact they are very different.

An important distinction, Avocado, yes. And 'empathic' does not mean imagining what another person is feeling while actually making it all about you.

Hi, just got an email notification so thought I'd log in, I'm ok Thankyou, were texting a little better than before but not like before obviously, will be chatting at the weekend.
We've been messaging about the subject in a more calm manner, and maybe getting through to her a bit more, she's I think starting to maybe think she could of done a bit more at the time to protect how I fealt as we were both protecting her ex. A long way to go and who knows.

Yeah I'm aware they are two different things I did mean to count them seperate, the empathy thing I've noticed has increased whilst been with my gf, shes had a rough time of late, it can be beautiful to feel that way but crippling when things are hard.

This sounds too complicated to me. I think if I was in your position I'd take be taking the hint and backing right away. Look at the state this has got you in.

So if things got back onto an even keel (has it ever been?) are you going to be waiting for the next time?

Life is difficult enough without any added drama. I'm sure you'll agree, working away is not exactly a bike ride is it? (I know what it's like, it comes with my job) And with all of this on top, mentally it's doing you no good at all.

You sound sulky and manipulative.

Both deeply irritating and unattractive traits.

Dragging the (albeit) children into the relationship was the death knell I'd imagine.

She owes you nothing. Nothing at all.

She said she needs space - that is code for you're dumped. Look after yourself by leaving her behind and concentrating on improving your self esteem/confidence. Best of Luck!

You seem to think this woman’s job is to protect your feelings, which is a bizarre form of entitlement.

I zoned out just reading your posts so I can understand why she has been looking over your shoulder the whole time.

Give it up, for Christ's sake.

She's switched off from you. For whatever reason it's happened. Banging on about her having to protect your feelings and not being mentally prepared to sleep on a sofa just makes you sound feeble and annoying. I don't mean that in a harsh way but your posts here seem OTT and very self indulgent so, if that's how you are coming across to her too, then that can be very offputting