Any advice on my now cold distant gf appreciated

[Sparkyork]

Hi all I've known my gf for around 17 years we get on really well and just clicked, up until 2 years ago I've always thought she was cute but as she was married I respected her husband obviously! They have now been separated, the first time they seperated we found each other and just bonded, she's got 4 kids whome I've known all there lives we got on great until a year or so ago she decided to try again with her husband which I've always encouraged, that didn't work as she was always coming to me for emotional support and fast forward to 3 weeks ago we were just perfect it was like heaven, she used to take the odd risk in letting the kids see us laid in bed, nothing dodgy just laid and the odd cuddle, but with Xmas coming up she's started considering her ex's feelings more and not letting her kids see or think so much, which I do understand. Now obviously I noticed thus slight change, one particular week I'd been working away from home and missed my gf and the kids terribly, she messaged me on Friday and said as you've not slept great etc we can get the kids to sleep on Friday night and go to bed snuggle and sleep, I was really looking forward to it, the perfect ending and start to the weekend, laid with the one I love. I cooked us both a steak that night then as we sat and watched stranger things, after it finished she said im only staying over if I stay on the sofa, this did gut me I was really looking forward to sleeping with her, not sex just sleeping. I couldn't sleep as I wasn't mentally prepared for a sofa after been away all week, but did eventually.
When I woke up I fealt a bit deflated and a bit sad, she thought I was just tired and tried to perk me up, I was talking to everyone been civil just sad. So on the way with the kids to do some shopping late morning, I was starting to come round and really wanted too, she asked what was wrong so I said im upset because protecting your ex's feelings has upset me, she just said oh this, and got mardier and mardier all day, I desperately wanted to be ok but she was slipping away, all I wanted was my feelings considering, as I said I wasn't ignoring anyone I wasn't shouting etc, we got back home and she just sat in the front room with the kids, I knew something was wrong so messaged her what i should do, she just said I need some space, I was gutted she couldn't find a few minutes to just talk to me and I left, know shouting, but did a little wheel spin as I fealt let down emotionally.
That was Saturday the following day she went to football with her young son and to some fireworks with her the ex and all the kids. I then went working away for the week again, desperate to talk to her, but was just getting really distant cold messages, not the usual loving ones, 3 weeks prior she said she loved me. I was gutted we wernt even speaking we used to speak on the phone every day for a good hour at least, up until Wednesday last week she was still cross with how i reacted to been disappointed nut she said she does get why I was disappointed but doesn't get my reaction, which wasn't even that bad ! She has to accept that she's protecting the ex at my expense and my feelings, I said all we should of done is cuddled instead before you went to bed on the sofa for ten mins just to make us both feel happy again, she didnt put much effort into trying to console me. She called it pathetic, and immature. She pretty much silent treated me with no attempt to fix anything, it was killing me so I made the mistake of talking to her adult daughter, about it which annoyed her mum, so she went mardy at me for that which I understand, but although she unstistd she never knew about us, I know she did. So it's now ten days nearly, she rejected a call last night, I sent her a heart fealt message saying how much I miss her, and how I want to hear her voice, she's still cold and still banging on about how she gets my disappointment at not been able to sleep, but not my reaction, but my reaction wasn't that bad, I never shouted etc, I didn't ignore her like she is me, why can't she accept my feelings were hurt and that was my reaction, to go quiet in the morning and try and perk up during the day but failed cos she was just getting more cross. It feels like she's going to finish me but my sister and my best mate can't understand how i can get finished because of something she's adding to the relationship that I've gotta deal with and why she can't push past, see that she's as much to blame as me and work things out, no phone call really hurts, the last time she went like this pushing me away she got back with the ex, but she has alwys been honest about that so think she would of told me, I wonder if she's met someone else as she feels the same, like she doesn't want me anymore. I know talking to her daughter wasn't great but she must appreciate that emotional silence really hurts, why isn't she trying to fix this, can I get dumped just because i got my feelings hurt, oh I also read narcissists sometimes struggle accepting responsibility for things and have often joked about it with her, and subsequently posted a narc meme on th that she has loved after I told her it's more a prediction cos of how she is, thought it might help her see, Any help comments appreciated

Them as in a new boyfriend, not the children re sleeping in bed together

I suspect that she still misses her ex DH and would like to get back together with him. Sorry OP.

@Sparkyork This sounds incredibly painful. It is so hard when you love someone and you aren't feeling it in return. Unfortunately it sounds like she's moved on, and it will be much easier for you if you accept that and try to move on too.

Even though she said she loved you 3 weeks ago, she may have already started thinking about splitting up.

Honestly you need to let this one go and try to heal your heart. Ask her for a clean break and then don't contact for a while because you'll just feel confused.

Sorry, it's utter shit going through this, it always is.

Thanks everyone for your input, she used to let me sleep with her every now and then so I do agree she's re assessed the situation, we talk about everything tho usually I do understand how protecting her ex via the kids is important and part of our relationship, she knows how I feel and no inside that it must be hurting her knowing how much it's hurting me, the narc post.on fb was something of nothing as I've jokingly accused her or having narc qualities before, and tbh whilst she's not been forthcoming with talking to me I've had several memes to contend with form her camp, like beeb single memes, been done with someone memes, whuch hurts a lot too see, specially when she won't speak to me, I really do feel if I'm been dumped which I think I am, that she would end things just cos i needed her to show me some love after she put her ex's feelings before mine, i was only deflated and perfectly civil, she knows she's bringing the ex thing to the table. The more I think about it the more i think it's not the ex she's rekindling with, because she told me it was him last time she did it, she's acting the same pushing me away, I think it's someone else, someone else who's been comforting her and she's found something in another. When I do feel given how well we get on that we could of easily worked through all this.
It's really painful I've avoided relationships over ten years ago because I got hurt and ironically that was her sister, and now here we are again, thanks everyone, sorry for going on but it's a lonely world when you had everything and now have nothing

Locate the horizon and vanish over it.

You are playing with a married woman - she is playing with you to fill a bit of a gap in her life.

Is this really what you want?

She's not in love with you. She used you when she split up with her ex, you were the fallback option because she was lonely and uncertain and she already knew you (and knew that you were half in love with her already).

Now she's either got the ex out of her system or just moved past it all and wants to move on with her life. You remind her of the ex, of her past life, of everything she wants to leave behind, so she's cutting you out.

It doesn't really matter if there's someone else or not. She doesn't want YOU now.

It hurts, it's horrible, but there's nothing you can do. If you're decent you'll walk away. Save yourself. It's the only thing you can do.

why isn't she trying to fix this
Because she doesn't want to fix it.
I agree, there is probably someone else she is more interested in.
So pick up your self-esteem and end it properly.
Take back control of your own life.

I think it's someone else too and not the ex, last time as I said she was able to tell me about him, and I know from experience she needs someones shoulder to cry on, it's the only thing that would explain things, we know each other and how are feelings work and been dumped for having hurt feelings can't be as I've been there for so many things for her and she knows she just using it as an excuse, makes me physically sick tho thinking about it, she's compassionate so won't believe it's anything but another bloke she met

In my honest opinion unfortunately you are way more invested than her. She’s just not feeling the same way, which is why this hurts so much. She doesn’t love you back. She’s also had a long term relationship break down and you aren’t going to come along and save her - she doesn’t want to be saved. You may have been a comforting rebound and she probably should not have led you on when she wasn’t 100% sure this is what she wanted. She’s probably also got 4 kids and an ex and all the normal parts of life to deal with so having to deal with all of your overwhelming emotions are just too much hard work right now. Try to leave her alone and keep your dignity

Whether she's met someone or not it doesn't change the fact she clearly doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

I know it's shit to hear but you can't try for both of you if she doesn't want to. You say you love her, so as much as it feels horrible you want her to be happy in the long term?

And you should want to be happy too - this relationship has run its course and whether she's behaved badly or not you don't both want to be in this relationship.

You aren't being respectful if you don't accept her decision when she tells you it's over. You know it's going to happen so all you can do is prepare yourself mentally and accept what she says - you will be behaving in an entitled way if you demand reasons or justifications that are acceptable to you.

None will be acceptable to you, but she is perfectly within her rights to end a relationship for whatever reason she wants to. It hurts but it's life.

She doesn’t need to protect her ex. He’s a grown adult and as he’s no longer with her he has no say in who she dates. She’s likely protecting her kids feelings though and possibly preventing them gossiping to her ex by asking you to sleep on the sofa.
In all honestly though, she doesn’t sound that in to you. It sounds like you’ve done all the running and chasing in this very short relationship. She almost sounds like she’s keeping you around in-case other options don’t work out. Perhaps she’s already lined up the next option?!
My advice would be to back right off. Don’t text or call her. Leave her to come running. If she doesn’t you have your answer. Move on to someone who appreciates you!

Hmm, sounds as though you're her emotional back up/reinforcement.

You do know that she has absolutely no obligation to be in a relationship with you??!! She can dump you for any reason at all.

But having said that, I think she turned to you because she knew you adored her and it was a balm to her very raw emotions after her marriage break up. It doesn't mean she hates you, but there's a good chance that she doesn't like you enough to want you as her partner.

Give her her space. It doesn't sound as though she had any between her marriage ending and taking up with you.

Maybe she'll turn to you again, maybe not. But she needs to know herself better than she has had a chance to do, and being alone might help her do that.

Yeah She's always said she'll tell him at some point about us, she has allowed us to be closer in the past but with Xmas coming I think she is making sure he's happy and the kids are happy too, defo doing it so they don't gossip to him. We have been pretty much commuted to each other emotionally for 2 years, she's always come to me for support and we have always known were a thing, I know she is dumping me now, I know how she likes to save things she cherishes, she is shocked I've resorted to posting questions on a forum but if she won't talk to me I've fealt I had no choice, thanks for the input guys and girls

Wow, you posted this here just to get a reaction from her, didn't you??!!

Quite frankly she will be well rid of you. Such a manipulative thing to do.

I still don’t think you can see things clearly

She’s been in a 3 way relationship for 2 years. Pinging back and forth between you both. Don’t you want any better for yourself?

Sorry is she on here and you did this so she would see it?

You're a controlling manipulator op and she's well shot by the sounds.
Even going back to a bad relationship is better then you by looks of it, what's that telling you?🤔

She's not on this forum she is only on face book, all I've done is said I've asked questions on here cos I wanted to talk to her but couldnt, plz cool it with manipulater and wanted her too see it, she's not seen anything I maybe worded it wrong but she is defo not on here able to see any of this, I woudlnt do that

One of my friends dumped another because he slurped his tea. No one owes you a relationship. Or even an explanation. It's shit but them's the breaks.

I once dumped someone because he had a special phone voice and a tendency to give a prissy little sniff before he spoke.

OP, it is completely irrelevant whether she is reinvolved with her ex, has someone new, or simply wants to be single. She's not interested in you.

OP are you taking it on board that she doesn't want to stay together?

It's very unfair when someone breaks up with you to guilt trip them, refuse to accept it, demand justification or keep saying to them but we are so good together / I won't give up on you / I've given you everything etc.

I have a horrible feeling that whether consciously or not you will do one if not all of these things.

I've been her in this scenario and it only drags out the horrible bit and reaffirms to the person ending the relationship that they are doing the right thing.

Don't make it any harder than it needs to be.

And you told her you posted about it on here then say there's no way she'll see it?! You know this is a public forum right?

Sorry OP I'm not meaning to have a go but I don't think you realise how stifling you sound. Adults cannot demand answers from other adults if they don't wish to volunteer them.

You've told her you've asked strangers online about this because she won't discuss it. Your post is very identifying. When you told her about it did you also mention that almost every response says you are not acknowledging the fact it's over when it clearly is and that you need to respect her decision?

Why are people being so horrible?

OP, ignore people here. This site can be wonderful for help and support but also terrible, and the OP gets shot down, like how you are being treated.

You sound lovely but she doesnt sound the one for you.

Try and move on and find someone who appreciates your effort

Why are people being so horrible?

Because the OP appears to have zero self-knowledge, and while he's filling up the internet with his dense and lengthy accounts of the minutiae of interactions with his not-really-girlfriend and wanting explanations she's clearly unable or unwilling to give, he doesn't seem to have any sense that he may be contributing to the problem by being needy and stifling.

He deliberately went behind her back and asked her adult daughter for explanations, and now he's asked the internet, apparently in order to provoke her into explanations -- what next? Staging a WHY WON'T YOU GO OUT WITH ME??? intervention via the big screen at the local football stadium at halftime?

I mean, maybe he is lovely, and she's treated him incredibly badly, but I'm exhausted even reading his posts on here, so I can imagine someone declining to have a four-hour conversation about why she changed her mind about letting him spend the night in her bed.

It certainly seems like she doesn't want to see you any more, and tbh, if she was a friend of mine, based on what you've written, i would be advising her to move on from you.

• you 'were quiet' (for many people this is a euphemism for sulking) the day after she wouldn't let you into her bed.
• you wheel spinned away (quite an aggressive way of driving).
• you discussed your relationship with her daughter, who didn't know that you were in a relationship with their mother (words fail me).
• and when it finally starts to sink in that she has finished with you, you decide there must be someone else.

I may be completely wrong in my interpretation of what you've written but if any of this rings true, you may want to look to your own behaviour.

I'm sorry I upset anyone by saying that i posted on here, there are many many forums and reasonably sure she won't even be looking for it or know where to start.i posted on here for advice from men and women, she's not officially ended anything and she is still sending me text messages asking if I'm ok and slept well etc, I know talking to her daughter was bad, she did know we were a thing tho, doesn't condone it I know, however been blanked and ignored really hurts hence why I had to post a question, they have been long because i fealt I could not leave anything out, she understands my disappointment, it was something that was looked forward too, and in a normal relationship this wouldn't even be an issue, I'm sorry if anything feels draining and appreciate all responses