What do I do?

[Frankie94]

I found out last year that I have a half sister. She is 5 years younger than me and was conceived when my parents split for a year. My mum had no clue that she existed either. My dad sat us down and told us all about her about 18 months ago. There was a lot of drama which was to be expected but my mum decided to stick by him as they were filing for divorce before they reconciled. For context I also have an older sister who is 28, I am 23 and my youngest sister is 18. My dad knew that there was a chance she was his but in his words 'he wasn't sure until he saw her'. She is his spitting image, quite literally the female version of him.

My dad's side of the family are thrilled that she is his and have welcomed her with open arms. My mum's family were shocked but equally have been very welcoming and have treated her the same as they would us e.g. buying her a lovely makeup set for her birthday, including her in the family trip to Center Parcs. However, she has since told my dad that she doesn't want to do anything with my mum's family as she thinks it's 'weird', so my dad will be staying at home with her on Boxing Day instead of going to our Gran's as we have done every year.

Since he told us about her we have seen her quite frequently and she now lives with my mum and dad about half of the time. My mum has done her best to involve her and ensure that she gets to spend time with her dad but not feel as though she is a spare part, if you see what I mean? My dad feels guilty as he never paid child support or was involved with her growing up. This was not entirely his fault as her mother insisted that her ex-partner was the father and refused any sort of DNA testing, my dad didn't want to rock the apple cart so let them get on with it. My Dad has since paid for all of her driving lessons, bought her a car and paid for the insurance, he buys her clothes, phones, iPads etc. and pretty much anything she wants as he feels guilty for not 'stepping up' for her.

I have recently had a baby so decided to invite my sister round to meet her niece along with my eldest sister, we haven't spent much alone time together as she gets very shy around myself and our sister and tends to just go on her phone. I sent her a picture on Watsapp accompanied with a text that said 'Hi, Daughters Name can't wait to see her Auntie! We would love to see you, we are free any day this week. Just let me know x'
She is now driving and only goes to college a few days a week, I live about a 5 minute drive from the college so thought it might be nice for her to pop in. I hadn't heard back from her in a few days so assumed she was busy at college/work. I then got a very nasty message from my Dad that read 'I am disappointed in you, your sister was very much looking forward to seeing the baby. She has been in tears and does not feel like a part of the family. You and DSis1 should be ashamed of yourselves, alienating your sister this way. Disgusting behaviour.' My DSis1 went bonkers and showed my Dad the text in which I invited Dsis2 over however, my dad is standing firm and says that this is not the first instance of us alienating his 'little girl'. My mum is furious, particularly as my dad is no longer talking to myself or my sister and will not even be in the same room as my daughter who is his first GC.

I'm not sure what to do? I know that to apologise and grovel would be the easiest option but myself and my sister do not feel we have done anything wrong... Any advice?

I don't see what you have to apologise for? This is odd, you did invite her, he's seen the message! Did he except that you sent the message but is he annoyed about other things?

Show him the text again and ask what the hell he's talking about

You and your sister haven't done anything wrong.

Where is your Dad getting this from? If it's from your younger sister, then she is just stirring shit up for the sake of it.

You've shown him the message inviting her; not sure what else you can do?

Your Dad is acting like an arse.

I sent him a screenshot of the message this morning and asked him to clarify why he was so furious. He replied that I hadn't chased her up and reminded her but I had my other sister.
I reminded him that she is 18 years old and I shouldn't be expected to be her PA. He just responded that this isn't the first instance of us alienating her, although I cannot think what we have done to do this. We have always invited her to everything, my baby shower, my sisters hen party etc.

Congratulations on your baby. Don’t let any of these arseholes spoil this time for you.

I know that to apologise and grovel would be the easiest option - don’t you fucking dare apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Let them stew. You’ve been kind and inclusive after he blew the life you’d known apart and you deserve credit for that not any sort of condemnation. Your dad has a hell of a cheek. It sounds like she wants a big fall out so she can have him to herself...

Where was she living before she half moved in with your mum and dad?

It all sounds very bizarre. I really feel for you.

Thank you, I am in a very happy little bubble at the moment with my daughter and DP so I am trying not to let this burst that!

She was living with her Mum full time before any of this happened, apparently her mum got drunk one evening and told her who her real dad was, she then messaged him on Facebook.

She lives with her mum Thurs, Fri, Sat and my dad and mum the rest of the time.

Very ott reaction from your dad that is probably driven by guilt.

I've a feeling you won't be able to do right for doing wrong with this one.

I wouldn't bother trying anymore.

I'd speak to your dad face to face and tell him you've done your best and would never seek to alienate anyone.

I wouldn't apologise or do more than that otherwise it'll get ridiculous.

Don't kowtow.

I am in agreement with everyone else on this thread. You've done nothing wrong.

I hate to say this but I wonder if your half sister is trying to get her dad all to herself at the moment. It must be a strange situation for her too. I hope I'm wrong and that she just didn't receive the text but the human psyche is often very weird when it comes to relationships, especially new, unexpected ones.

You've explained to your dad, you're obviously not lying so just leave it for now. I hope it doesn't spoil his relationship with you and your sister.

Have they had a DNA test? Even if they look alike they may not be related!

Like hell you should apologise. Your father can go on with his tantrum.

Agree about the DNA test. Did they take one? If not, that's insane.

Yes, they took a DNA test and she is definitely his daughter.

My older sister told me to check my Facebook and it seems that our younger sister has blocked us and our mum. My DP has had a look on his Facebook and she has updated her status and written 'Blood means you're related. It doesn't mean you're family.'

Wow, she likes a bit of drama, doesn't she? As does her mother, from the sound of it. And as does her dad, too. They all sound unhinged.

Seems like she is trying to cause trouble and cause a rift between your dad and you and your sister sounds on purpose to me

It would be easy to be angry with her as she has behaved badly.

As an adult interacting with a teenager who has still fairly recently discovered her mum has lied to her for her whole life I would try and see this as a child acting out.
Have patience but don’t set precedents you aren’t willing to live with.

If she throws a temper and gets her own way it will be a nightmare for ever but she’s a teen don’t throw away the whole relationship because she behaved like a dick.

Her saying you aliéntate her might be referring to things whereby everyone else has common reference points and in jokes that she doesn’t get.
It may be completely not how it is from your end and very very real from her end despite your obvious efforts.
It’s confirmation bias.

She sounds like a right little madam.

Give her enough rope...

@HerrenaHarridan That's very true, I never thought of the inside jokes.

I'm certainly not going to ruin my relationship with her over this, I appreciate how difficult this must be for her. However, I feel that she should, at 18 years old, understand that this is difficult for us as well.

I dont understand why 18 year old would want to move in with a virtual stranger. Im very cynical but shes certainly getting a lot out of this new found relationship. Maybe she sees you and your sister as rivals for affection and money! I'd be cutting ties with the little madam. Enjoy your new baby x

Don’t you even contemplate apologising!! You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and your dad is acting bloody terribly. How dare he treat you like that, off the back of his own guilt because of his own shitty behaviour?

@Booboooo She spent about a year getting to know my dad before she moved in so he's not so much a virtual stranger and they really get on. They seem to have 'clicked'. They've got a similar sense of humor, like the same food etc.
Thank you, tired but ecstatic x

Wow! Just WOW!!

So it's ok for him to slip up in life, bring a child into the world, not tell the rest of family for years and not support his daughter and THEN, he can change the rules just like that. All of a sudden everyone has to follow his new rules to make sure everything is just fine and dandy on his terms.

what an absolute arsehole of a man (sorry) He should be supporting all of you and being as understanding as possible in your new and quite frankly awkward sitation, which is all down to his life choices.

If I were you I would send an incredibly pissy email to your dad explaining "how dare he speak to you in that way". Be really clear that there is no way you will tolerate that from anyone. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, dont let him upset you.

OP first off congrats on the new baby, I hope you and DP are thoroughly enjoying being new parents and are in full swing for your first Christmas together with baby.

Second of all, do not apologise you have done nothing wrong and as an adoptee (slightly different I know) what your dad and younger sister are experiencing seems like a father/child type of limerence, for want of a better word. I have seen it with other adoption reunions where the parent and child become so wrapped up in getting to know each other it can feel like others are pushed out. I think you should not apologise and let her come to you when she is ready.

I think if anything your dad needs to apologise for lashing out at you, and he should be counting his blessings every day that you, your sister and especially your Mum have welcomed this girl into your lives, that is very gracious under the circumstances and should be admired. Others may not have been as welcoming and he should be reminded of that. it seems for now he has decided that he has a lot of ground to make up with this young girl but isolating and berating the family is not the way to go about it.

@Geogaddi He does have form for being a bit of an arsehole. He gifted me some money to put towards a deposit for my house and then decided that he needed it back right at the last minute. Luckily I had some money saved for furniture that I used instead but still a very dickish thing to do.

@ChuckleBuckles Thank you, we are loving it and feeling very Christmassy this year.

I think you are right, they seem to be doing 17 years worth of catching up at the moment and they really are so similar, there's no denying it. Myself and my older sister are very much like our mum so I think my dad is just excited to have someone around on the same wavelength as him.

I think you're very kind Frankie, both to your new half sister and your dad.

Given his behaviour over this, and the deposit money, I'm not convinced he's a good man. I wonder if you are actually so used to how he is, that you've stopped noticing his bad behaviour.

He seems to have changed in the past 5 years or so. When we were younger her couldn't do enough for us and was an incredible dad. We have had some amazing life experiences all thanks to his hard work.

However, in recent years he has changed, since we moved out pretty much. My mum has complained to me a few times that he seems to think he has 'done his bit'.

I've tried to distance myself but I just feel sorry for my mum so I find myself apologising to make life easier for her.

I agree your dad went totally over board in his response to both you and your sister. You have proof you sent her a message inviting her over (along with a pic of the baby). If she spends as much time on her phone as the majority of 18 year olds she would have seen your message. I am wondering if it’s some form of manipulation game she’s playing to get her dad on side. Perhaps she feared she would not get as much attention as you’ve now had a baby? It’s very odd.
Your dad is obviously guilt laden but what more could he have done? The girls mother told him the baby wasn’t his so he went on with his life! Your dad cannot make up 18 years with gifts (although it sounds like your sister isn’t turning them down). I also find it a bit strange that she’s decided to live with your mum and dad for more than half the week as she really doesn’t know either of them that well!
It’s a shock to me that he’s now met the daughter he didn’t know he had and is almost shunning you and your other sister. It’s disgraceful that he won’t see his grandchild either! Do you think he’s still in a state of shock OP?