What do I do?

[Frankie94]

I found out last year that I have a half sister. She is 5 years younger than me and was conceived when my parents split for a year. My mum had no clue that she existed either. My dad sat us down and told us all about her about 18 months ago. There was a lot of drama which was to be expected but my mum decided to stick by him as they were filing for divorce before they reconciled. For context I also have an older sister who is 28, I am 23 and my youngest sister is 18. My dad knew that there was a chance she was his but in his words 'he wasn't sure until he saw her'. She is his spitting image, quite literally the female version of him.

My dad's side of the family are thrilled that she is his and have welcomed her with open arms. My mum's family were shocked but equally have been very welcoming and have treated her the same as they would us e.g. buying her a lovely makeup set for her birthday, including her in the family trip to Center Parcs. However, she has since told my dad that she doesn't want to do anything with my mum's family as she thinks it's 'weird', so my dad will be staying at home with her on Boxing Day instead of going to our Gran's as we have done every year.

Since he told us about her we have seen her quite frequently and she now lives with my mum and dad about half of the time. My mum has done her best to involve her and ensure that she gets to spend time with her dad but not feel as though she is a spare part, if you see what I mean? My dad feels guilty as he never paid child support or was involved with her growing up. This was not entirely his fault as her mother insisted that her ex-partner was the father and refused any sort of DNA testing, my dad didn't want to rock the apple cart so let them get on with it. My Dad has since paid for all of her driving lessons, bought her a car and paid for the insurance, he buys her clothes, phones, iPads etc. and pretty much anything she wants as he feels guilty for not 'stepping up' for her.

I have recently had a baby so decided to invite my sister round to meet her niece along with my eldest sister, we haven't spent much alone time together as she gets very shy around myself and our sister and tends to just go on her phone. I sent her a picture on Watsapp accompanied with a text that said 'Hi, Daughters Name can't wait to see her Auntie! We would love to see you, we are free any day this week. Just let me know x'
She is now driving and only goes to college a few days a week, I live about a 5 minute drive from the college so thought it might be nice for her to pop in. I hadn't heard back from her in a few days so assumed she was busy at college/work. I then got a very nasty message from my Dad that read 'I am disappointed in you, your sister was very much looking forward to seeing the baby. She has been in tears and does not feel like a part of the family. You and DSis1 should be ashamed of yourselves, alienating your sister this way. Disgusting behaviour.' My DSis1 went bonkers and showed my Dad the text in which I invited Dsis2 over however, my dad is standing firm and says that this is not the first instance of us alienating his 'little girl'. My mum is furious, particularly as my dad is no longer talking to myself or my sister and will not even be in the same room as my daughter who is his first GC.

I'm not sure what to do? I know that to apologise and grovel would be the easiest option but myself and my sister do not feel we have done anything wrong... Any advice?

@Middersweekly I think that could be the case. I know she's always on her phone as every time I've seen her in the past few months the thing has been glued to her hand lol.
I think she prefers living with my mum and dad as they have a much bigger house. Her mum has a two bed flat but my mum and dad have a 4 bed house quite close to town, she has a double bedroom and ensuite and she can park her car on the drive as well which she likes as it is quite new.

I think he is definitely still shocked, when I told him I was pregnant he got very upset and said that he was happy for me but sad as it meant I was all grown up, which I found strange.

I think she is probably seeing how far she push you all and how much her dad is willing to push you all away to make room for her......if it was me in this situation I would send both of them a message, clearly explaining (not apologising) that she was more than welcome to visit the baby and STILL is, and also remind your dad that he has a grandchild that he is now missing time with, just like with his daughter and one day he will also hold guilt for that!

Yes what lolly said!

It’s your dad to hold to account here!

Oooh sounds like your little sister is playing a lovely game with your father and his family. I'd be sitting both father and daughter down and asking what exactly it was that upset her and why she is putting the family through this!
My guess she has serious unresolved issues! Why isn't she with her mum? Your dad's guilt isn't going to go away by buying her stuff in fact it's just making her manipulation stronger!

Are you 100% sure that your own dad didn’t know? Could he be telling porkie pies?
Only it seems odd that the mum would suddenly decide now that her daughter is your dads.
I’m sorry but it’s crossed my mind that he hid his daughter from your family and ignored his responsibilities...but when she came looking for him , he found that they had so much in common and resented you all for the years missed with her. Therefore he’s quick to jump to her defence or make up for lost time.

Just thinking aloud, so apologies if I’m way off base or out of order.

To be honest I think he’s lucky you even accepted her and lucky your mum accepted her let alone let her live there half the time.

Your dads being a twat. I’d personally stand firm and say you haven’t done anything wrong and to stop talking shit.

I have a older half brother who I don’t see and have 0 interest in. If he got back in contact with my dad now I still wouldn’t make an effort.

This is the sort of behaviour you would expect from a young teenager, not an 18 year old.

It sounds like she is has enjoyed the attention of being the new member of a ready made family, with everyone being nice to her and making a big effort to get to know her. Suddenly she isn't the baby of the family because you have just had your little one and her nose is firmly put out of joint. Instead of people fussing over her, she is feeling like she is being expected to fuss over the new baby. Basically, she has realised that life goes on and family dynamics constantly evolve. She feels like she is no longer on a pedestal with anyone other than your father which is why she has gone crying to him about how unfair you and the other family members are to her. She has got what I call Me Me Me syndrome.

Don't apologise to her. Continue to try and involve her if you are organising family things but messaging her so you can screenshot it and send straight onto your father will mean that it makes it difficult for her to unfairly accuse you of alienating her. Don't allow this silly girl to spoil such an exciting time in your life. Congratulations on your baby!

Your dads a total twat. He’s defo pulling the ‘my kids are all grown up and having families of their own and don’t need me, but now I have a youngest daughter I need to do every thing I can do to make up for missed years and somehow give her what I never managed to give/do for my other kids” routine. He doesn’t even see he is doing it. Sad. You’ll find she’ll get more than you but that you can’t complain because if you do he’ll accuse you of being nasty and selfish. You can’t win with this one I’m afraid until he sees sense. He may not though. Or it may take years. He’s a twat.

My dad always knew there was a possibility that she was his. He pushed for a DNA test but her mum refused and point blank told him that it was her partners, they stayed together until my sister was around 17 and that’s when her mum got drunk and announced that my dad was in fact her dad, I think it was mainly to hurt her ex who had been my sisters father figure, cared for her and brought her up.

I do feel sorry for her as that must have been very hurtful and upsetting, I think that’s another reason she prefers to live with my mum and dad, I don’t think she has been getting on very well with her mum since it all came to light.

I wish my dad had pushed for the DNA test in the first instance and this could have all been avoided. I have rung both of them this evening to invite them round tomorrow. My dad said he hopes its for an apology! I had to bite my tongue!

Blimey op you’re a better person than me.
I tell them both to sod off!
Your poor mum must be in bits.

Sounds like he’s trying to make up for lost time, all very well but not at everyone else’s expense.
Hopefully it’ll burn itself out if not just have to support your mum.

Your dad ‘knew’ or had an inkling. Did he tell your mother at that point, or was he happy to let things lie. He avoided it because he wanted to. He chose your family over perusing his daughter. He feels guilt because he was wrong to do that. If he though she might of been his, he should have explained to his wife and fought for the DNA test...not sat back and allowed his wife to get a nasty surprise years later.

It’s easier to make you the baddies now, rather than accept the harsh truth.

Don’t you dare apologise. Mention nothing and if they ask for an apology, as what for - specifically.

I’m a person who by nature doesn’t get overly emotional. I’d have no problem telling them both where to stick it and he’d probably go another 18 years without seeing a daughter.

We had a very normal, boring life before this, which I preferred!

My dad had an inkling that she was his as the dates seemed to line up however, my sisters mum was engaged to her partner and they had moved to a different town so I guess my dad just let it lie, not thinking it would come to bite him in the ass later on.
My mum was oblivious as far as I know, I believe when he sat us down and told us as a family it was the first she knew about it. She knew he had been seeing someone else for a month or two when they split but that’s it I think, and my mum isn’t the type to lie.

This has definitely opened my eyes to a different side to my dad. My older sister and I have had a chat this evening and both agreed that we will see our mum this week and see what she thinks.

I really feel for you op. You’ve all been so accepting.

Can your sister be there tomorrow for moral support? If they start, then ask them to leave.

I really hope they come to their senses and apologise to you.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be apologising for anything here, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. If you apologise now, your setting yourself up for more grief in the future.

I would have it out with your dad, ask him to tell you when you have excluded your half sister in the past???

Don’t bow down to someone when you have done nothing wrong.

I get your dad will feel bad for not being there for your sister, but it’s not his fault, the only person at fault here is your half sisters mother and your dad needs to recognise that. He needs to recognise this will not only be a shock for him but a massive shock for you, both your sisters and your mum.

I think a few home truths should be told to your dad!

You literally have nothing to apologise for, it sounds like you have all been extremely welcoming to your half sister! The fact she doesn't want anything to do with your mums family because "it's weird" just shows her character. You sent her a text, in which you referred to her as "auntie" and asked her when she was free. She's an adult and she ignored you - you've got a newborn...Whyyyyyy the hell should you be chasing her up?? You and DS have a completely different relationship. Just because DF & HS have clicked instantly, doesn't mean you should be expected to have exactly the same relationship with her.
I can not believe your dads reaction to all of this!
I really hope that she doesn't have a hidden agenda to cause issues between your family because she resents not being a part of it.

Not being a part of it growing up I mean!

You've done nothing wrong. Your stupid dad should be apologising to you.

I would invite your mum and nice sister round for Christmas and your gran and ignore him and the brat. They can spend Christmas together from now on. Sod him. Hope your mum changes her mind and divorces him.

I was feeling quite upset and downtrodden earlier hence why I felt I should apologise but reading these responses has really helped me to realise that my dad, the parent, should be apologising to us.

I’ve felt a duty to my younger sister to ensure that she feels welcomed into our family as at the end of the day, she never asked for any of this. I also feel guilty that I have such a close relationship with my older sister, we are more like best friends than sisters, which I think could be intimidating to her. When I have spoken to her and she’s been open with me she’s a lovely person, with a great sense of humour. However, I do think she has been manipulating the situation and perhaps putting myself and my older sister to fight with our dad.

I will talk to them tomorrow and see if we can come to a resolution. However, I will be getting an apology from my dad and an assurance that this will not happen again as he’s now missing out on precious time with his granddaughter, which I know he will end up regretting.

Divide and Conquer... is the term you are looking for in this situation..

Slowly but surely... this calculating little witch has managed to separate your Father, from his MIL, his Wife, his Wifes family, and now his eldest Daughters... call me suspicious but this cannot be coincidence .. She has made huge efforts to pour poison in his ear, and he like a fool, has taken the bait.

I'm sorry OP, but there will be worse to come......

congratulations on your baby

make no mistake OP... she knows exactly what she is doing...

Don't kowtow to it .. call her out on her lies... and above all.. stay united with your elder sister.. she her what loyalty and family means...

*Show her what loyalty and family means..

She’s a manipulator. Your dads blind.

What you could do is apologise that she felt so bad. You are NOT apologising for anything you did as you did nothing wrong. However if you want to resolve this situation you may have to be as manipulstive as her.

For example I can say to you -
I’m sorry you are going through this OP.
I’m not apologising for anything I have done to you as I’ve never met you but I am acknowledging that you are unhappy and I am sorry to hear that.

I think that your dad is looking for an excuse to disown you in favour of your new (blue eyed boy)sister. Id manipulate the situation as I am a master manipulator but appreciate not everyone is like that! I’d say:

Dad and new sister -“ I am really sorry that there was a misunderstanding about how excited I was for you to meet my new daughter and for her to know her new auntie. I know you’re working hard at uni and didn’t want to chase you as that would be inconsiderate of me when you are studying and I care about you. I’m sorry you were hurt. That was never my intention.
However I’m glad we have this opportunity to clear the air and I’m so glad you’re getting to see little dd. I hope you will be great friends.” (Big smiles)

Dad and sister will be appeased. You have NOT apologised for anything but in their heads they think you have. You know the truth. They deserve to be manipulated. You get what you can from your dad for your child. And I don’t mean be money grabbing. (Like her) I mean the relationship of a grandfather and child.

Should you require any further manipulation advice, think what someone wants to hear and use it against them. I know it probably isn’t your go-to response but do you others as they do to you and she’s a fuckwit arse so she deserves it.

See I’d be more like:

‘You were expecting an apology? Would you mind specifying exactly what for? I’m going to be honest, I’m probably not going to apologise to you. But hey-ho, just look at this little cutie! Isn’t she just THE! MOST! ADORABLE! She’s definitely going to be a Grampy’s girl”.

But then, I’ve always been an antagonist.

Don't forget it's ok to be sad rather than angry.
Being sad doesn't mean you have to apologise, and I think it's a truer reflection of your feelings when you first posted.

You can show how sad you are that this has happened, that you like her and enjoy her company, and are disappointed that this rift has developed at a time which should be a happy one for all of you. She has a niece, your dad has a granddaughter, you have a daughter. It's a precious time.

Ultimately though, you have to protect yourself and your baby so keep a corner of your mind healthily sceptical so you don't get manipulated again!

Christ, I'd say nothing until I got an apology from my dad if he ever sent me a text like that - he's the only person who should be ashamed of their behaviour in this situation. He was too lazy to ensure he was in his youngest child's life for the first 18 years of it and now he's punishing you and your older sister for his mistakes. The fault for her not being part of the family lies with him and her mother.