What do I do?

[Frankie94]

I found out last year that I have a half sister. She is 5 years younger than me and was conceived when my parents split for a year. My mum had no clue that she existed either. My dad sat us down and told us all about her about 18 months ago. There was a lot of drama which was to be expected but my mum decided to stick by him as they were filing for divorce before they reconciled. For context I also have an older sister who is 28, I am 23 and my youngest sister is 18. My dad knew that there was a chance she was his but in his words 'he wasn't sure until he saw her'. She is his spitting image, quite literally the female version of him.

My dad's side of the family are thrilled that she is his and have welcomed her with open arms. My mum's family were shocked but equally have been very welcoming and have treated her the same as they would us e.g. buying her a lovely makeup set for her birthday, including her in the family trip to Center Parcs. However, she has since told my dad that she doesn't want to do anything with my mum's family as she thinks it's 'weird', so my dad will be staying at home with her on Boxing Day instead of going to our Gran's as we have done every year.

Since he told us about her we have seen her quite frequently and she now lives with my mum and dad about half of the time. My mum has done her best to involve her and ensure that she gets to spend time with her dad but not feel as though she is a spare part, if you see what I mean? My dad feels guilty as he never paid child support or was involved with her growing up. This was not entirely his fault as her mother insisted that her ex-partner was the father and refused any sort of DNA testing, my dad didn't want to rock the apple cart so let them get on with it. My Dad has since paid for all of her driving lessons, bought her a car and paid for the insurance, he buys her clothes, phones, iPads etc. and pretty much anything she wants as he feels guilty for not 'stepping up' for her.

I have recently had a baby so decided to invite my sister round to meet her niece along with my eldest sister, we haven't spent much alone time together as she gets very shy around myself and our sister and tends to just go on her phone. I sent her a picture on Watsapp accompanied with a text that said 'Hi, Daughters Name can't wait to see her Auntie! We would love to see you, we are free any day this week. Just let me know x'
She is now driving and only goes to college a few days a week, I live about a 5 minute drive from the college so thought it might be nice for her to pop in. I hadn't heard back from her in a few days so assumed she was busy at college/work. I then got a very nasty message from my Dad that read 'I am disappointed in you, your sister was very much looking forward to seeing the baby. She has been in tears and does not feel like a part of the family. You and DSis1 should be ashamed of yourselves, alienating your sister this way. Disgusting behaviour.' My DSis1 went bonkers and showed my Dad the text in which I invited Dsis2 over however, my dad is standing firm and says that this is not the first instance of us alienating his 'little girl'. My mum is furious, particularly as my dad is no longer talking to myself or my sister and will not even be in the same room as my daughter who is his first GC.

I'm not sure what to do? I know that to apologise and grovel would be the easiest option but myself and my sister do not feel we have done anything wrong... Any advice?

When my MIL met the son she had had adopted at 15 she became rather obsessed with making up for lost time. There was a lot of manipulation on her behalf - blaming her mother for forcing her to give him up (he is actually very grateful, now he has met her and seen her in action, and he had a happy, stable childhood with loving parents.) She alienates herself from her parents, her husband and her two younger sons. She broke up her own family unit when the younger son was doing his final exams in high school to chase a teenage dream she felt had been taken away from her by her parents (not her own choices and actions) and blamed everyone else. She “invested” the money from her divorce with her first boyfriend who disappeared immediately with it, the next few were violent alcoholics and we had many middle of the night rescue phone calls (even when I was in labour.....) She has since remarried and is once again miserable and repeating the same pattern. (Looking to my DH and I to rescue her financially - not going to happen, Sunshine!)
My point is, that he is not taking responsibility for HIS part in how bringing her into YOUR lives is affecting YOU either. It doesn’t just affect him and her, it also affects you, your mum and your sister, and your DH and your baby. He is blinded by guilt and only seeing what he wants to see.

@justilou1 Oh my, that sounds awful! I think that guilt is a strong motivator, very sad that she has discarded the rest of her family though, especially when she seems to need your support so often.

My eldest sister done some wedding planning with my mum last night who broke down in tears. She admitted that she has been to see a solicitor and is thinking of leaving. I have rung her this morning and told her that she is more than welcome to stay with me.

Sounds like your dad is not the most empathetic guy ever. Was he always selfish?

He hasn't always been selfish. I vividly remember growing up and him selling his things like motorbikes and classic cars to pay for us to go on holidays. Not only material things but he would always be there for us, when my eldest sister moved to uni and got homesick, he drove 7 hours just to give her a hug. I couldn't fault him growing up. However, it feels like as soon as myself and my sister grew up and moved out, he thinks he has done his bit.

Wow! He’s checked out of your lives and into hers. That must feel wonderful - not. Going to make for a lonely old age.

Simply put she’s angry at your Dad but she can’t express it to him so she expresses it at your Mum and you and your sister instead. This also has the added effect of getting your dad to prove his love and her importance in his life and he is coming to her defence. It’s a backwards way of getting him to prove his affections but presumably she’s dealing with some abandonment issues in relation to your Dad.

As your Mum and sister it sounds like you have all very much welcomed her. I would try as much as you can to not take her actions personally (because you have done nothing wrong) and perhaps suggest to your Dad that he look up issues arising from abandonment (so he can understand his DD’s actions and behaviour) and perhaps consider counselling.

I wish you luck going forward, this is all very new and hopefully things will settle down.

Had them both over for a cup of tea this afternoon. DP took DD to his mum's as I was worried about raised voices.

Basically my younger sister feels that she hasn't been welcomed into the family enough, she felt out of place at my baby shower and was upset that she didn't get a gift, I gave a gift to my older sister who had organised the entire day single handedly(sp) a few days later, it was just a bunch of flowers. My dad started to get upset when she was talking as he 'could see how much this was hurting her'.

I pointed out that my dad had held his GD once!! in the 3 weeks since she was born, despite me visiting them more than 5 times and that this was also hurting his other two daughters. He started to shout and asked if I was accusing him of favoritism. I assured him that I was not accusing him of anything, just stating facts.

I asked my Dad to leave the room and spoke to my sister. She was very shifty and wouldn't make eye contact with me. I explained to her that I had no intention of leaving her out and that I hoped she understood this, I told her that I was excited to get to know her properly and spend some quality time with her. She got very upset, gave me a hug and apologised for causing issues. I assured her that she hadn't caused any issues but I would appreciate going forward that if she feels left out or upset to talk to me first, like sisters do.

She then left and my dad actually apologised to me! He got quite upset and said that he 'felt like a right dick', I agreed that he had been and suggested he apologise to my older sister and perhaps focus on spending some time with our mum and reminding us all why we love him!

Wow Frankie, well done! You handled that so well. I do hope he reflects and gets a better perspective on everything that's happened!

Fuck yeah!

Beautifully handled.

I think you are brave. I know how hard these things can be.

Well done for finding a way to show her that her behaviour isn’t acceptable and will not be tolerated without making her feel rejected when she already feel tenuous, hence the behaviour.

You are in good standing for when your newborn is ready to start pulling that crap on you! Sooner than you think too!

Also well done for calling your dad out! I hope he bucks his ideas up and remembers he needs to parent and not worship his youngest!

Round of applause from me!

I think you've handled it brilliantly.

So pleased that one of you is being an adult! Gold star for grownupping goes to you!!!

By insisting your Dad go to hers on Boxing Day she is alienating you.

She sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder, her mum perhaps too feeding this. I’ve seen it before, the child who is already feeling an outsider, because in this instance, she is not historically with your mum, dad and your siblings.

You aren’t being unreasonable and it’s an adjustment for you too. Your Dad sounds like he’s automatically taking her side perhaps out of guilt. It’s not fair on you and to be honest, he needs to keep out of your relationship with your half sister. You have to find your own way.

Also, I’m pretty surprised she spends half the time with your dad and mum? That smacks of some kind of almost revenge game there from the mother, some politics from the adults. Really sad tbh all round.

Keep your eye on her behaviour OP and don't let it fester.. call her out every time.

You've handled it like a champ, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

Yes I’d be very wary. I have a half sister and other step ex relations, and unfortunately the ones who have started to pull this manipulative shit, through a weak or guilty middle person like your Dad, I’ve found that it doesn’t stop.

Sounds like you handled it really well. However thank goodness you and your sister do get on well. Your mum sounds devastated and she really needs taken care of by your Dad too. It’s like he’s using the fact that your half sister is ‘not feeling welcome’ etc as a shield to hide from the hurt he’s caused YOU, and sister and Mum.

Stick together with the people you trust. Invite her but honestly I would be pulling back on the ‘I’m so welcoming please let me fall, over backwards to prove that we as a family want and love you’. Tread slowly and let your half sister earn YOUR trust now she’s effectively broken it.

That way she might learn and you may have a good future relationship.

But let this manipulation carry on or don’t also protect yourselves, then this could cause a lot of problems.

Well done on how you handled the situation.

Does your dad have a lot of money?

Well done- it sounds really promising. xxx

Well done op, you are very generous and emotionally mature, especially when you have just had your first baby and all the emotion and physical recovery of that. I hope your dad reflects, I’m not sure he deserves you.
Yes new sister is being quite manipulative, but she’s had a big shock and probably needs continual proof she is loved. She might appreciate when she is older how very lucky she is to have such a generous accepting new family.

Well done, Frankie.

All the best for the future.