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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner just slapped me

87 replies

Sandandsea007 · 25/11/2019 23:30

Hi

NC for this. My partner just slapped me in the face. We had argument about washing (how I manage to always put things away and he leaves bits all over the place) - result was him slapping me in my face. My cheek is still stinging 15 mins later.

Background: been together 12 years. Have 2 yr old DC. Not married, no family nearby (and no real caring family). His family is more hands on. House mortgaged in both our name. About 4 years ago we had relationship issues, in that time we argued a lot. He hit me round the back (after drinking and he denies it ever happened), shouted a lot and grabbed me round the neck. I know how it looks in hindsight, but I really thought we’d moved past that. We’ve had arguments that in retrospect have been terrible, but until today I hadn’t thought of them.

We just had an argument (as above) and he slapped me in the face. He’s not done that before. He’s now claiming that I’ve hit him ‘lots of times in the past’. I haven’t. I threw water in his face once (after he got up in my face on one occasion).

I literally don’t know what to do. I can’t leave - DS2 is in bed asleep. I have nowhere to go. I have very close deadlines at work and work compressed hours tomorrow. ‘D’P’s mum stays with us weds night/ Thursday day for childcare. I tried calling women’s aid for advice and they are closed. I don’t know what to do.

Please give me some advice. I’m devastated that it’s come to this, but I can’t continue in this relationship.

OP posts:
user764329056 · 26/11/2019 01:04

I’m sorry OP, it’s hideous when this happens, I remember something very similar and it’s almost impossible to deal with the avalanche of feelings, I was angry, terrified, disbelieving, heartbroken, confused, sad, lost and completely bewildered by it all and I feel for what you’re going through but you truly have done the right thing, it’s all the big emotions that are so hard to handle, please keep talking on here, I know when I was going through it I felt I couldn’t see the wood for the trees, hope you get some sleep

Coyoacan · 26/11/2019 01:56

Two things. My dd's ex had anger management problems and the last time saw him attacked her in front of their four-year-old daughter and then proceeded to tell the child that it was her fault.

The other thing is that you are most probably isolated because that's what suited him.

justilou1 · 26/11/2019 02:48

Brilliant fathers don’t hit the mothers of their children. Not even once. Not in anger, not accidentally. They certainly don’t tell the mother that she deserved it. Nobody “deserves” to be hit. Ever. He is a bad man.

Mandatorymongoose · 26/11/2019 03:05

It's odd. If a stranger in the street assaulted us, smacked us in the face, tried to strangle us, it wouldn't even be a seconds thought to call the police. Someone who says they love us doing it is so much worse, heartbreaking on top of everything else, yet it feels so much harder to take action. You are brave.

You've done the right thing OP, even if it feels shit, and you will be ok. Do what works for you but remember to be kind to yourself, it's ok to be sad or angry or anything else you might feel really. There are lots of people who have walked a similar path who will support you if you want it.

Mrsmummy90 · 26/11/2019 06:13

Well done for calling the police. That was a really brave thing to do.

Please leave him. By staying, you'd be normalising his actions and I can promise you that they'd escalate. You and your child deserve a safe and happy life.
If not for you, leave for your little one.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/11/2019 06:18

He’s a shit person and a shit father. Good men don’t hit others. They especially don’t hit the mothers of their children. You did a brave thing in calling the police. Your new life is starting, free of this abusive man.

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/11/2019 07:14

Mt ex used the say that I had done things that I had not. Be confident in your own mind. He's gaslighting you so stay strong and get rid of him.

Lozzerbmc · 26/11/2019 07:21

Be strong - i know going it alone will be scary. But you must spend your life walking on eggshells and you’ll be free of that! He’s ended the relationship not you. He’s not your best friend as best friends dont hit each other... it always get worse...
Keep going Flowers

forumdonkey · 26/11/2019 07:39

Just to say that I have been where you are now and also called the police. My only regret was that I didn't do it earlier before the slaps turned to punches. You're braver than you think and you've definitely done the right thing

Longfacenow · 26/11/2019 07:44

Just to echo the other posters.

I know this is all happening so fast and a huge shock. It may seem surreal for a long time but the more you learn about abuse the clearer it will become to you that have done the right thing.

You are very brave.

prawnsword · 26/11/2019 07:53

Please know feeling heartbroken & that you still love your abuser is completely normal. There is some warped thinking that as soon as you are physically abused you just “snap” and know calling the police is right & that you will feel ill feelings towards your abuser. Calling the police wasn’t my hard bit, but getting the police to convince me to make a formal statement & take this to court was so difficult. I felt was betraying my abuser & that I had lost a great love. It’s taking time but things look a lot clearer now. Mine was in March & was in a refuge for awhile. The refuge was lovely, inviting, safe & welcoming. Please know you are worth more than what this person will ever give you & there is a high risk they will snap & kill you in s fit of rage if he has put his hands on your throat even once. Wish you all the best, we are here for you.

Newmumma83 · 26/11/2019 07:59

Op I really hope you are ok this morning.

It’s funny my ex used to complain that I hit him, what he was referring to was me pushing him away as he tried to throttle me ... but he used to make me feel bad for effectively defending myself ... he is an ex for a reason and a good one at that.

It is not acceptable behaviour and you did the right thing, be a good example to your child that it is not ok to accept someone treating you like that.

Thinking of you

Eyezswideshut · 26/11/2019 08:03

It sounds to me like pushing and shoving and throwing water in each other's face has been a feature of conflict for a while now.

KellyHall · 26/11/2019 08:03

I hope you still feel strong today. You are a very brave and strong person, woman, mum.

If you haven't already, let the nursery know that you had an incident last night and they're not to let your dh collect your dc today.

Livpool · 26/11/2019 09:38

You did the right thing OP

hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2019 09:52

Well done on getting the police out OP.
If a stranger did this to you, you would report it!
You do need an exit plan though.
Get in contact today with Womens Aid.
Phone around a few solicitors and see if any can fit you in soon to discuss finances.
Are you financially independent?
Your own account?
Do you work full time and earn a decent wage?
Are you the higher earner?
He has been violent before.
Hand around neck is the biggest red flag for physical abuse.
Make sure the police know he has done this in the past.
A good dad does NOT hit the mother of their child.
A good dad does NOT hit the mother of their child and then tell her she deserved it.
A good dad does NOT try to throttle the mother of his child.
A good dad does NOT get in your face and yell at you.
A good dad does NOT abuse his wife.
He is gaslighting you. He is physically abusing you. He is verbally abusing you.
I would imagine he abuses you in other ways too.
Do you have access to finances.
Is there a reason you are near to your family?

CruellaDeVille2019 · 26/11/2019 10:06

My ex accused me of hitting him too. Yes, I did. I punched him in the arm as he was dragging me across the floor by my hair and funnily enough, I was trying to stop him.

If this was a one off, isolated slap that you experienced last night then it might have been worth trying to work through it if he had shown genuine remorse. The fact that he has hit you in the past and put his hands around your throat shows that this is not an isolated incident. He will only get worse, his behaviour escalating over time.

Your DC needs you alive.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and are somehow coping this morning Flowers

prawnsword · 26/11/2019 10:20

They apparently always accuse you of being the abusive violent one too

myfavouriterain · 26/11/2019 10:35

I'd expect him to come back and work on you psychologically, wearing you down in order to have you believe you were at least equally at fault if not responsible for what he did. Don't believe a word of it.

He may also be adept at recruiting supporters, to take his side and also put pressure on you.

Skittlesandbeer · 26/11/2019 10:36

Oh dear. Please don’t give in to your feelings that you ‘went too far’ or ‘over-reacted’. What you actually did was ‘be brave’ and ‘not play the game’.

The look on your face when you next see him will set the scene for the rest of your relationship. And the relationship your kid(s) have with him. What ‘game’ do you want it to be?

If he sees regret, guilt or desperation in your face, then he’ll take his cue from that. Next time he’s arguing with you, you’ll hear something like ‘oh so I suppose you’ll call the police on me for not drying the dishes, hey?’. Forever.

If your face says, ‘this is either the beginning of you getting professional help, or the end of your participation in this family’ then you have a chance for a future with him. Not a great chance, but a chance. Double-down on your call to the police. Don’t let your face say ‘sorry’ in any way. Tell everyone it happened, and the authorities took you seriously. His family especially. No secrets from now on.

Shit got real, let him feel the shit. Ongoing.

myfavouriterain · 26/11/2019 11:10

^
this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/11/2019 11:55

How are you today @Sandandsea007 ?

It was brave to call the police and I'm glad you did. It might have been 'just' a slap, but it sounds as though violence is becoming normalised in this relationship and that's really not healthy. For you. For him. For your kids.

His hands around your throat... makes my blood run cold. He is capable of doing horrible things to you, and you owe it yourself and your DC to kick him out and make him stay out.

Yes, you will miss the 'nice' parts of him. Of course you will. But you cannot continue this relationship, and I think you already know that.

Please post back that you are OK. We are here and will be here for as long as you need us.

Louise91417 · 26/11/2019 11:59

Im afraid if a man slapped me he'd be picking his teeth outa his shiteAngry but you dealt with it in the right way. Good on you for calling the police.

Coyoacan · 26/11/2019 12:40

I also thought that I would be able to defend myself against a man until it happened. My abuser was small and weedy but still way stronger than me

cheeseislife8 · 26/11/2019 13:01

How are you doing today OP? I can only echo what other posters have said, you've absolutely done the right thing. Now you need to stick to it for the sake of your LO, and get rid for good. Stay strong Flowers