Partner just slapped me

[Sandandsea007]

Hi

NC for this. My partner just slapped me in the face. We had argument about washing (how I manage to always put things away and he leaves bits all over the place) - result was him slapping me in my face. My cheek is still stinging 15 mins later.

Background: been together 12 years. Have 2 yr old DC. Not married, no family nearby (and no real caring family). His family is more hands on. House mortgaged in both our name. About 4 years ago we had relationship issues, in that time we argued a lot. He hit me round the back (after drinking and he denies it ever happened), shouted a lot and grabbed me round the neck. I know how it looks in hindsight, but I really thought we’d moved past that. We’ve had arguments that in retrospect have been terrible, but until today I hadn’t thought of them.

We just had an argument (as above) and he slapped me in the face. He’s not done that before. He’s now claiming that I’ve hit him ‘lots of times in the past’. I haven’t. I threw water in his face once (after he got up in my face on one occasion).

I literally don’t know what to do. I can’t leave - DS2 is in bed asleep. I have nowhere to go. I have very close deadlines at work and work compressed hours tomorrow. ‘D’P’s mum stays with us weds night/ Thursday day for childcare. I tried calling women’s aid for advice and they are closed. I don’t know what to do.

Please give me some advice. I’m devastated that it’s come to this, but I can’t continue in this relationship.

You've done the right thing and the brave thing, I'm actually really impressed that you've managed to do so when still understandably in shock and upset. We are all here if you need support over the next day or so or beyond! Remember you will be pumped with adrenaline so probably shaky now and for a good few hours - try to make sure your tummy isn't empty and that you keep hydrated. I thought that stuff was bullshit in similar situations but having some fuel in you does make a difference. Thinking of you

interested rtft

He's ruined it, he's ended it. He assaulted you, he is dangerous. You must get away from him, permanently. I speak from experience, op. Please stay safe.

He's ended the relationship, OP.

He's tried to minimise what he's done by deflecting blame onto you for made up assaults on him. He knows what he's done is wrong.

If he's had his hands round your neck in the past, then today's slap will only become something else in the future.

You've done the right thing.

He's trying to mess with your head trying to accuse you of hitting him as a excuse for hitting you. Don't let him do it be strong and don't let this get worse and it will so you're doing the right thing, scary I know but this can't continue.

I'm so sorry he did that to you! How awful! Please dont be made to feel responsible or like you are making about deal out of nothing... he will try and make you feel like that... but he has assaulted you... and hes done it before and if you let it go he will do it again. You dont deserve this, it doesnt matter what you said or did, he should never be violent with you you've done the right thing in ringing the police. Stay strong! X

He crossed a line. No going back.

You've done the right thing, as hard as it is.

Thank you, everyone. The police have been and taken him away for the evening. Now in retrospect, I feel like it’s so minor in the grand scheme of things. I know it’s not really minor but I already miss him. Despite the issues, he is a fantastic father to our DS and my best friend. Before this, we were happily sitting watching tv and chatting. It feels so surreal.

I feel very lonely and lost right now. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have anyone to phone and talk to (usually I would talk to my partner about any issues).

Please don't forget that he has had his hands round your neck in the past. Tonight's slap may well be "minor" in comparison but you know what he's capable of.

And good fathers do not assault the mothers of their children!

Would you accept this behaviour towards your child OP?

Aw lovely you sound quite isolated. Is there anyone you could see tomorrow if you took the day off?

You have done the right thing. Violence escalates, often very quickly. Your best friend wouldn't hit you, a fantastic father does not ever resort to violence. You can get through this and come out stronger

...I don’t know what to do with myself and I’ve just ended my relationship, haven’t I?...

HE did. Not you.

I feel you have a very** warped point of view of what just happened. Maybe shock? You start playing being hit in the face down.
Do you think the police would have taken him away if he didn't do anything wrong?

Of course you had nice times between being abused, this is how abusers get away with their toxic behaviour.

Stay strong, you did yourself favour for standing up for yourself and calling the police. You deserve to be safe and happy.

Fantastic fathers and best friends don't slap faces. It's not the first time he's hit you, and he grabbed your neck in a previous incident. That is a huge indicator he could kill you.

He's not even taking responsibilty. Acting like a child - "you hit me loads" you know that isn't true and he would continue to hit you in the future . It's NOT a minor thing.

Have a cup of hot, sweet tea as you've had a shock.

You need to call Women's Aid - I don't understand why they were closed as it's a 24/7 phone line. You need advice on what to do next and to draw up a safety plan to minimise risk to you and your child.

You cannot dismiss this as minor. He has already grabbed you by the throat in a previous incident. DV isn't just a barrage of daily beatings, there is so, so much more that you'll see with hindsight.

His behaviour won't have come out of nowhere even though it feels like that.

Women's Aid is 0808 2000 247

You might find this helpful: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

You're probably in shock as what has happened is shocking.

He hit you. I'm so so sorry this has happened to you but it can't be glossed over.

He will hit you again if you stay.

OP, hands round neck puts him at high risk of going on to kill you.

Calling the police was the right thing to do.

He isn't a good father if he hurts the mother of his child. And you can't have a good relationship with someone that you can't fully trust not to turn on you.

A book recommendation
Why Does He Do That?
By Lundy Bancroft

Please stay strong, OP.

You've been very, very brave. Well done, this is not the atmosphere in which to bring up a child and you've protected your DS by taking steps to stop it. Be kind to yourself, he hit you and that is never, never right.

This is so horrible for you, OP. You should have been able to count on your partner and it's very sad that you can't.

Please please listen to the people here. A man putting his hands around his DPs neck is a massive red flag. It's incredibly easy in that situation for the woman to die, even if the man didn't intend that outcome. The neck is very fragile and you are much more at risk than you seem to realise. I know it was 'only' a slap tonight but tomorrow it could be hands round the neck again.

I hope you can find the support you need to face up to this horrible situation and do what you need to do. Sending hugs.

It was the ‘online chat’ for women’s aid that was closed. I’ve just realised my mistake. I don’t think I have the energy for any more tonight though. I’m so exhausted though not sure I will sleep.

Thank you, all. I’m reading your messages and I know they are true. The way he hit me and he wasn’t immediately apologetic (not that it would excuse it), but just said I deserved it. It was horrible and I just thought we’d moved on from everything. I am more surprised with his actions now then I would have been back then.

I’m going to try and sleep now. I will still take DS to nursery and would like to go to work for a bit tomorrow, though will see what happens and tell my boss if needed.

Thank you

You’ve done the best thing for you and DC.
I promise you he would have done it again. And again. And again.
The hands round your neck is utterly frightening. Stay safe

No op he’s just ended his relationship by his choices and behaviour. Please mention the hand around the neck to the police. This is one of the biggest red flags within domestic violence since the dangers are just so great.

Ah Sandandsea007.

He hit you. That is a massive thing. Please do not minimise it.

Well done OP. Good to hear the Police turned up so quickly.

If helpful :

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor.

The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn’t get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does.

At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back.

He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person.

And the kind of things other people will say to you, once they know :
“He’s a good guy. I know he loses his temper with you sometimes—he does have a short fuse—but you’re no prize yourself with that mouth of yours. You two need to work it out, for the good of the children.”