Boyfriends insecurities are damaging our relationship

[PeachBeachcat]

Hi,

I have name changed because I’m concerned about being identified from previous posts and my partner knows my user name.

I have been seeing a guy for about a year. In the beginning it was great. He’s great fun, funny, I find him very attractive, great sex. Over the last few months as we have spent more time with each other (day to day time rather than dates) I have noticed some things that I didn’t notice before. I think he might be insecure. Examples include:

1. He teased me for buying a new bookcase to store my many books.
2. I have found myself not using words that I would normally use because I don’t want to make him feel intimidated by me. I used a word that I thought he would definitely know but he told me that he had to look it up in a dictionary.
3. When I went out on Friday night with a female friend from work he gave me the third degree about who they are and where were we going.
4. He criticised my outfit when I knew that I looked great.
5. I started a new, difficult hobby that requires a certain skill and he expressed his doubts about whether I could do it.

He has absolutely no reason to be insecure. He’s intelligent, has a great job, is well read. He’s not typically good looking but I think he’s hot.

I don’t really know how to handle this. I have looked on the internet about how to deal with an insecure man. Everything says that you need to reassure them and build them up but I’m not sure that’s the best idea if he’s putting me down. Doesn’t that just make me look pathetic and like I’m encouraging him to treat me badly??

He’s had 3 long term girlfriends before me. I’m not sure what happened with the last one but I know that the first 2 broke up with him. He has a masters degree yet says he’s not naturally intelligent. He doesn’t think he’s attractive.

How can I sort this?

I don't think he's insecure, I think he's starting to be controlling.

Usually when we are insecure we are down on ourselves, not our partners. His insecurity has gone down a path of, to make myself feel better and bigger I need to make you feel lesser and smaller in comparison.

I would have one conversation about the above. If the red flags continued I would end it.

This isn't insecurity - this is controlling behaviour. Personally i'd be making a run for it.

Not insecure. Controlling.

Major red flags in your post.

You won't want to hear this, but you NEED to dump him. Before the third degree turns to not letting you go out with your friends, the 'insecurity' turns to plain old putting you down, and the criticising what you wear turns to calling you a slag and accusing you of cheating.

His other gfs dumped him, THIS will be why.

Have a good think and start noting every instance of negging.

He's being quite clever with the manipulation thing by the way. The 'oh I don't think I'm intelligent/I don't think I'm good looking' - a clever way to make himself seem lesser and smaller... while negging and criticising to stop you doing what he doesn't want. You don't see a pushy controller, you see a poor insecure man who needs to be humoured.

But you know already I think -

Everything says that you need to reassure them and build them up but I’m not sure that’s the best idea if he’s putting me down. Doesn’t that just make me look pathetic and like I’m encouraging him to treat me badly??

You're beginning to see it in this sentence.

I'm sure you won't instantly dump him but this thread is hopefully your first big warning.

Not insecure, emotionally abusive.

I thought that he was insecure and it’s coming out in this way. I feel like he’s trying to stop me from getting ‘above my station’ because he’s feeling a bit threatened.

He just doesn't want you to have self confidence and self esteem. If he loved you, he would want those things. It doesn't matter why he's fucked up, it's how he treats you that matters.

Seconding everyone else, he's being down on you not insecure in himself.

He needs a kick up the backside in the form of a behaviour change if you want to stay with him. But personally I'd be saying goodbye as soon as possible.

Yeah he feels threatened by you going out looking amazing because he can't control you when you're not there.

A good boyfriend would say "wow babe you look amazing. Have a great night."

I thought that he was insecure and it’s coming out in this way. I feel like he’s trying to stop me from getting ‘above my station’ because he’s feeling a bit threatened.

How does that square with criticising your outfit when you knew you looked good? That's just simple putting down, wanting you to be on the back foot. Negging you. Being nasty to you.

And, 'above your station'? What does he think your station should be, then - definitely below him?

He's not a keeper, OP.

Oh and even if it is insecurity, it's not healthy for that to come out as controlling and negging your partner. That's no basis for a good relationship - so, if he is a 'lovely person' who is at the moment insecure, then the answer is that he's not ready for a grown-up relationship yet, and he needs to work on himself first.

The answer to both is - dump.

The answer to both is definitely not stay with him and become his whipping boy/abuse/coercive control victim.

Oh and this may be off beam, but I'm also raising an eyebrow at 'my partner knows my user name.' - hmm, would that be because you're forever showing him funny posts and threads, or because he 'likes' to know what you do online because he needs to feel 'not threatened'??

Hmmmmmmmm

It’s not looking good is it.

I feel like he’s trying to stop me from getting ‘above my station’ because he’s feeling a bit threatened

Controlling and i'll bet misogynistic ......he's threatened by intelligent, successful and attractive women. To him, that's a mans role.

He has made a fair few misogynistic remarks about women’s clothes and bodies.

He prefers having a female team at work though as he says he gets on better with them.

I have also noticed something else. I used to have a very nice car but wasn’t using it enough so sold it. I pointed out the same model to him when we walked past it. He seemed shocked and a bit shaken by it! That struck me as odd.

Another time I was telling him about my brother’s promotion and his voice changed. It was like he was struggling to get his words out. Like he was affected by it in some way.

I agree with PP's, this man is controlling and emotionally abusive. After one year the mask is starting to slip and you are seeing his true colours; petulant, insecure, selfish, no empathy (your feelings/needs seem to be very low on the agenda), jealous to name a few.

I would go as far to say he is very likely narcissistic as these are very common narc traits. www.psychopathfree.com/articles/30-red-flags-of-manipulative-people.212/

I promise if you don't leave now, you will look back at this time in a few years and regret it with every fibre of your being. Emotional abuse is very insidious and what you are describing is exactly how it starts and only the tip of the iceberg.

I know it's hard to take the plunge and end things without solid "evidence" that they are no good but really all you should be asking is what your gut is telling you. You wouldn't have posted this thread if your gut wasnt screaming at you that something is very wrong with this man.

Something else I have just remembered. I was having a problem at work and asked for his opinion. He gave me some great advice about how to handle it. He invested a lot of time in helping me with this problem. Then I spoke to another friend who offered the opposite solution. I told my boyfriend, thinking he’d find the other perspective interesting. He kept his cool but it was like he was shaking. He was saying the right things and continued to smile but I think he was suppressing his anger about it. He said he was worried that I was going to listen to this other friend and not him. I found the whole episode bizarre.

Yes, trust your instincts OP. This man is not making you happy. My DH can be an arsehole at times but he really does genuinely think I'm great.

The more you write, the more I'm convinced you're dealing with a narc. This video explains it really well

I'd suggest watching all her videos.

What do you plan to do Peach ? Red flags all over the shop.

He is a controlling knob.
He won't change.
Kick his narcissistic arse out the door.
Find someone that will treat you like they love you.

Agree he is training you.

Why wouldn’t you want a man to help hold you up above your ‘station’? Instead of a man who wants to hold you below it?

My first reaction after reading your initial post was 'NOPE!'

Can't be doing with that OP. Clearly he has a problem with your intelligence and has an inferiority complex.

Don't continue with him please. He sounds like the type to gradually eat away at your confidence and self-esteem. You'll start tiptoeing around him to make sure he doesnt get offended or upset or angry... and then before you know it, you're being told who to talk to, how to dress and what you can or cannot do.

Turn this around OP.

What do you want out of a partner?

Surely - to be respected, to be supported, to be with someone intelligent and emotionally intelligent enough for life to be fun and relaxed. NOT feeling as if it's only fun and relaxed if you watch your step. NOT feeling as if you have to slightly not be yourself in order for it to be 'ok'.

This relationship will be a beta one, at best. It might rumble along but you'll always be thinking 'If only he were...'

Why do it?! There are millions of them out there. Don't settle.

Throw this one back, NOW, before you invest any more time.

It's not wasted time, it's been a valuable lesson. At best, he's a bit of a crap partner and will make an equally crap, exhausting husband/father. He'll drain you not add to you.

At worst, he's abusive.

Dump and move on because you can do much much better.

Mmmm Peach, you are starting to change your behaviour to appease him.

He has told you he doesn't like women. Does he make phnar phnar jokes?

Run run run.

Brother's promotion? Your car? Have you heard of narcissist envy.

Seriously, the hills are that way. Are you able to contact any ex girlfriends to hear their side.

Dump and run, girl, he will grind you down.