Boyfriends insecurities are damaging our relationship

[PeachBeachcat]

Hi,

I have name changed because I’m concerned about being identified from previous posts and my partner knows my user name.

I have been seeing a guy for about a year. In the beginning it was great. He’s great fun, funny, I find him very attractive, great sex. Over the last few months as we have spent more time with each other (day to day time rather than dates) I have noticed some things that I didn’t notice before. I think he might be insecure. Examples include:

1. He teased me for buying a new bookcase to store my many books.
2. I have found myself not using words that I would normally use because I don’t want to make him feel intimidated by me. I used a word that I thought he would definitely know but he told me that he had to look it up in a dictionary.
3. When I went out on Friday night with a female friend from work he gave me the third degree about who they are and where were we going.
4. He criticised my outfit when I knew that I looked great.
5. I started a new, difficult hobby that requires a certain skill and he expressed his doubts about whether I could do it.

He has absolutely no reason to be insecure. He’s intelligent, has a great job, is well read. He’s not typically good looking but I think he’s hot.

I don’t really know how to handle this. I have looked on the internet about how to deal with an insecure man. Everything says that you need to reassure them and build them up but I’m not sure that’s the best idea if he’s putting me down. Doesn’t that just make me look pathetic and like I’m encouraging him to treat me badly??

He’s had 3 long term girlfriends before me. I’m not sure what happened with the last one but I know that the first 2 broke up with him. He has a masters degree yet says he’s not naturally intelligent. He doesn’t think he’s attractive.

How can I sort this?

Wow, his behaviour seems bizarre and unpleasant. I would agree with other posters in that it's controlling.
Personally, I would pack him in. You dont need someone who has to make others feel small in order to feel big.

Certainly don't move in with him.

He’s not insecure. He’s a controlling arse. Dump.

I would not be in a long term relationship with a man who had to look up words I used as part of ordinary everyday speech.

I think rule of thumb, if someone says their partner is acting 'insecure', 80% of the time it turns out it isn't insecurity - it's controlling. See exanples of it time and time again on here.

And your post is a good example.

People who put you down or 'in your place' are doing it because they are rotten people who like the power rush it gives them.

He's doesn't want good things for you. It's starting to show.

Get out the door fast and run for the hills.

Points 3 and 4 in your original post are massive red flags.

Please think seriously about your future with this man. His mask is starting to slip.

You're already changing your behaviour (i.e. not using your normal vocabulary' to appease him. None of that is healthy.

This isn't about his 'insecurities' - these are traits of controlling behaviour and it makes me very worried for you.

Have you heard of narcissist envy.
I haven’t actually. I Googled it but it seemed to say that narcissists think so highly of themselves that they don’t normally feel envy.

Seriously, the hills are that way. Are you able to contact any exgirlfriends to hear their side.
I can’t. Not easily. Not without blowing my relationship out of the water.

I’m a bit confused. Surely if a guy is controlling it’s because he is scared of losing control, probably because of an insecurity. That’s the opposite of a narc who thinks they’re the best. So is he insecure or a narcissist? Can you be both?

If he’s well-read, with a great job and a masters degree, why is he making you feel like you have to dumb down? That’s an odd dynamic. I wouldn’t trust him whatsoever.

Who cares about the label? He is being controlling. He is keeping you down. He has barely controlled rage when you challenge his opinion. You can spend years trying to diagnose him. Bollocks to that. Turn the analysis on yourself.

He was rude about your outfit. Did you tell him to fuck off?

He interrogated you about meeting up with a friend. Did you pander to his grilling or did you tell him to shut up?

Everything says that you need to reassure them and build them up but I’m not sure that’s the best idea if he’s putting me down You are reading the wrong sources. When a man is a dickhead you don't pander and sooth. Be true to yourself. You are not his therapist.

Ask yourself do you want a boyfriend who behaves like an utter dickhead or not? The "reasons" for him being a knob don't matter.

I agree you shouldn't focus too much on his motives because essentially he is dragging you down and making himself feel better at your expense. He is abusive and controlling and you deserve so much more.

That being said, if you are interested in protecting yourself from these types in the future then it helps to understand the motives of people like this.

Narcs all have crippling low self worth but they create a facade of grandiosity to compensate for this. Its essentially a mask they create which eventually starts to slip over time with many things you have described (controlling, jealousy, put downs, silent treatment, gaslighting etc.). Make no mistake, he is agonisingly insecure and needs to put you down to create fuel to feed his false ego. There are different types of narcs but I'd take a guess that he is a covert or "victim" narcissist.

www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

They are basically bullies who don't want you to have anything good for yourself. Even if they don't want it, they don't want you to have it. They don't want you to be happy because deep down, they are miserable people. They make themselves feel good by making other people feel bad about themselves. And they see everything as a competition where they cannot be the loser, so they have to make you the loser.

The envy isn't always so much about wanting what you have, as it is about simply not wanting you to have it.

You need to leave this relationship Peach. He will grind you down to dust.

He’s not insecure, and does not need your pity- that’s his hook to keep you on his line.

You deserve so much better than being controlled, not using your vocabulary, not achieving all the success due to you.

DUMP HIM.
Save yourself!

Listen to the wise Mumsnetters. We have seen it all, and heard it all, listened to all the but but buts and the if onlys, and know how your story ends if you stay, and if you leave.

Just leave him, stop thinking about him, and live your fabulous life, like all the other women before you!

In the end, it comes down to a stark decision....
Chose your life over his.

Look at the freedom programme from women’s aid, if you’re still if-ing and but-ing about his behaviour and how you can help him change...

Listen to what we are all saying to you about your life.

Surely if a guy is controlling it’s because he is scared of losing control, probably because of an insecurity. That’s the opposite of a narc who thinks they’re the best.

A narc controls because they feel utterly entitled to do so. You should not dare to think or feel anything that they don't sanction. You don't get to choose, they do. If you choose, or show initiative, or don't demonstrate by your servility that you think they are in charge and the only person entitled to have feelings or opinions, you are being rude/betraying them/a stuck up bitch/choose your insult. They are the best, and one of the ways they enjoy demonstrating this is to make sure you know you're the worst.

But this is splitting hairs, in a way. You know in abundance that this guy isn't a keeper. At all. Nasty controlling streak a mile wide. Can you do better. Hell yes.

You should never have to make yourself less and dumb yourself down in a relationship with a good partner.

I suspect he's actually v chauvanistic/misogynistic (though limits how much he shows) thinks women are inferior (or should be) and that's why, among the other things you mentioned, he nearly shat a brick at the fancy car you said you'd had. You're not supposed to own a car like that. Know your place .

@PeachBeachcat I don't think blowing your relationship out of the water would be a bad thing

/Seriously, the hills are that way. Are you able to contact any exgirlfriends to hear their side/
I can’t. Not easily. Not without blowing my relationship out of the water

Your response there is enough to warrant leaving him. No proper relationship, where you are treated as a person, as an equal, with respect and love, threatens your friendships and isolates you like that.

Narcissism is used rather too often on here I think. I dont think he fits into that category. To me he sounds like he has problems with control. You shouldn't feel the need to control the things he wants to control.
You're already tiptoeing around him, not contacting certain people, not saying certain things... you're already dancing to his tune. This will turn more ugly.

Reading that post all I could think is that he is being controlling...... Definitely run while you can!

Be thankful he's shown you who he is.

Jesus, op, stop trying to analyse him. He's a controlling, abusive prick, and things will only get much, much worse. He is sinking his claws in and he won't let go.

Run for your life.

Whatever he is he has made you unhappy. You have changed yourself to make him less insecure. You are now second guessing everything and looking for clues that say you should keep him. I don’t see any.

I say treat him like the car and get shot. Sorry OP. You shouldn’t feel like this in a relationship. You should be able to talk about issues and not hide them or in his case suppress things through clenched teeth. Why did he have to look a big word up in a dictionary. He’s got a masters ffs. It’s not like he’a thick. Allegedly.

Imagine you got accidentally pregnant. Sod that. Time to go. You deserve better.

I agree that you deserve better and I do understand how irksome his behaviour is.

In your position, I'd lay it on the line, mentioning everything you've mentioned on her, quite calmly but make sure he knows how disagreeable you find it. Give him the choice to change his attitude or finish with him.

You'll find someone else. He will too eventually and it might actually help him if he knows what he is doing wrong.

If he’s well-read, with a great job and a masters degree, why is he making you feel like you have to dumb down?
That’s why I wondered if he’s insecure. It doesn’t make sense. He’s very intelligent, doing a challenging job but he seems to think he’s not intelligent. Or at least he fears he’s not. I think something happened with his second ex that damaged him.

He was rude about your outfit. Did you tell him to fuck off?
I was taken aback. I said “Well I like it and that’s the main thing”. I knew that I looked great in it and he was saying it to pull me down. Not nice.

He interrogated you about meeting up with a friend. Did you pander to his grilling or did you tell him to shut up?
I tried to answer his questions but without telling him everything because he was annoying me. I don’t like being controlled and I felt like he was trying to tell me what to do. It was really weird. He hasn’t done that before.