Boyfriends insecurities are damaging our relationship

[PeachBeachcat]

Hi,

I have name changed because I’m concerned about being identified from previous posts and my partner knows my user name.

I have been seeing a guy for about a year. In the beginning it was great. He’s great fun, funny, I find him very attractive, great sex. Over the last few months as we have spent more time with each other (day to day time rather than dates) I have noticed some things that I didn’t notice before. I think he might be insecure. Examples include:

1. He teased me for buying a new bookcase to store my many books.
2. I have found myself not using words that I would normally use because I don’t want to make him feel intimidated by me. I used a word that I thought he would definitely know but he told me that he had to look it up in a dictionary.
3. When I went out on Friday night with a female friend from work he gave me the third degree about who they are and where were we going.
4. He criticised my outfit when I knew that I looked great.
5. I started a new, difficult hobby that requires a certain skill and he expressed his doubts about whether I could do it.

He has absolutely no reason to be insecure. He’s intelligent, has a great job, is well read. He’s not typically good looking but I think he’s hot.

I don’t really know how to handle this. I have looked on the internet about how to deal with an insecure man. Everything says that you need to reassure them and build them up but I’m not sure that’s the best idea if he’s putting me down. Doesn’t that just make me look pathetic and like I’m encouraging him to treat me badly??

He’s had 3 long term girlfriends before me. I’m not sure what happened with the last one but I know that the first 2 broke up with him. He has a masters degree yet says he’s not naturally intelligent. He doesn’t think he’s attractive.

How can I sort this?

Thanks Jaffacakesaremyfave. I’ll read your link.

To me he sounds like he has problems with control. Yes maybe he has.

I think something happened with his second ex that damaged him.

Oh please, this old trope is almost as worn as "my wife doesn't understand me."

Here's how it goes. Controlling man attempts to control girlfriend. She panders for a while then gets cross and goes out with her mates looking glam without apology. Controlling man decides this is evidence of her cheating on him. She chucks him for being a controlling dickhead. He is even more convinced she must have been cheating. Next girlfriend comes along. She dresses up nice to go out with her mates. He gets weird. He explains it's down to trust issues caused by his crazy exes who were all dirty slags who cheated on him so please stay home and only go out wearing a sack. Poor dear man. Repeat ad infinitum with gf after gf.

Is being insecure a free pass to be mean to other people?

So are these men just born controlling?

Is being insecure a free pass to be mean to other people? No. Believe me, I’m very close to just blocking him. I don’t want to be controlled by any man.

Maybe, maybe not. I don't believe for one second that a woman can turn a nice man into a man who thinks every woman he dates will shag around the moment his back is turned unless he checks her movements and clothing carefully.

It doesn't matter why he does these things or what label is best suited to his behaviour.

What matters is he is treating you poorly, making you second guess yourself, having you modify yourself so as not to risk emasculating him when a good guy would be proud their girlfriend is beautiful and smart!

I thought that he was insecure and it’s coming out in this way. I feel like he’s trying to stop me from getting ‘above my station’ because he’s feeling a bit threatened.

This is exactly what a type of controlling looks like... he's controlling your sense of self worth so you feel that he is too good for you rather than the other way around.

A normal person doesn't see a relationship as a power struggle that requires their partner to be kept in their place - him seeing it like this is unhealthy and you seem to recognise the but not how unhealthy it is?

Please tell me you aren't going to keep on seeing him my love?

So are these men just born controlling?

Their rotten personalities form in childhood and continue on from there.Think - school bully. The majority of those never actually grow out of it, they just get smarter at how they go about it.

And if he has a masters degree and a good job, he isn't stupid or insecure. He just wants you to think he is so that you will dim your shine for him and excuse his shitty behaviour.

I think that when you enter a relationship, then everyone makes some compromises. Ie, watching football with partner, going to films which maybe you wouldn’t necessarily choose etc.

“Don't continue with him please. He sounds like the type to gradually eat away at your confidence and self-esteem. You'll start tiptoeing around him to make sure he doesnt get offended or upset or angry... and then before you know it, you're being told who to talk to, how to dress and what you can or cannot do.”

However, this seems to sum up the situation well. If your tingly senses are telling you then things are not quite right, then listen to them.

Asking how the evening went with a friend - okay.
Interrogating and wanting to know every little detail - not okay.

He should be supporting you, not belittling you.

Please tell me you aren't going to keep on seeing him my love? Probably not but I need to talk to him first.

How are you feeling though @PeachBeachcat?

Do you see that he is being manipulative in that his behaviour and responses are making you modify your behaviour and responses to mitigate potential fallout?

You should be able to be yourself with someone and I think it's really important to be clear in your own mind how the situation is making you feel and what your boundaries are, before you talk it over with him.

Only as he is likely to express defensiveness, victim status or annoyance rather than the normal reaction which would be shit I didn't realise I made you feel like that, I don't want you to feel you can't be yourself

Talk to him why? There is only two questions you need to ask:

is this behaviour
[putting you down, controlling your speech, telling you you look bad, hating women, hating the idea you are successful and had a nice car, sour about your brothers promotion] ...

acceptable to me? Do I have to modify who I am in order to be acceptable to him?

Don't waste your time analysing someone who would never give that level of care and nurturing back.

Fucking hell. Dump immediately.

I think something happened with his second ex that damaged him

Was it that he was controlling and abusive and she left him?

He kept his cool but it was like he was shaking. He was saying the right things and continued to smile but I think he was suppressing his anger about it.

But soon he will stop keeping his cool. He's bottling up all this anger and frustration.
There are many reasons for this: insecurities, feeling intimidated by yours/others capabilities/success etc or that he's had a strong case of bad parenting throughout his childhood.
Either way, they often start with love bombing, slide an odd comment here and there and before you know it you are having palpitations or perhaps diagnosed with anxiety or maybe even agoraphobia etc and can't think of doing anything without him/his say so.
Sometimes it results in physical violence but not always.

Now is a good time to abandon ship.

Narcissism is complex and challenging for "normal" people to understand as it doesn't make sense rationally. It is thought to be caused by genetics and or an abusive invalidating childhood. Personally I think certain people was more predisposed as an abusive childhood doesn't guarantee an abusive adult. For example through brain scans we now know some individuals have brain structures that impact their ability to process empathy.

As Jaffa says, there is underlying self doubt and shame and to protect themselves from those uncomfortable feelings they have to project an outward image.
If that image is threatened, such by others doing better than them or perceived to be doing better then they react defensively. This is the envious part.

They can often be high achievers because they are very focussed and self centred. The corporate world encourages this approach so narcissism is seen as increasing and estimates are anywhere between 5 to 15% so not that rare. Narcisstists do not seek a diagnosis since they don't have insight into their behaviour.

The defenses (such as control, anger, projection, gaslighting) are often better controlled in the honeymoon period but the mask usually slips after commitment such as marriage or pregnancy.

Op, you have picked up signs well and I guess you maybe empathic. In my situation Ex was extremely charming for a considerable period of time and it was only by looking back that I realised how subtle control was..comments on clothing or seeing friends. His envy was never picked up by me (because I was stupidly naive!) but he would be silent when others had good news, later that hostility became much more obvious.

I did not have a clue about personality disorders and assumed everyone was similar and needed understanding due to past negative experiences. I have since had to learn a very painful lesson - mainly that highly toxic people exist and cannot be helped or changed. They are a wolf in sheeps clothing.

Please listen to your instincts, you are concerned enough to list concerns and have posted on a forum for help..that suggests there is enough of a concern.

I think something happened with his second ex that damaged him.

Agree with PPs tha this is, at the very least, irrelevant.

A few years ago, I dated an autistic man. He had a very great number of lovely qualities but his anxieties, overthinking and difficulty in processing due to his autism meant that he, ultimately, made my life hell.

I stuck it out for longer than i would have, had he been NT, because i understood that he wasn't intentionally being controlling and emotionally abusive - there was a reason for it and I wasn't doing any of the things he accused me of and I wasn't prepared to let him go and think these awful things of me.

Anyway, i have a friend who, quite bluntly, told me i was in an abusive relationship. I tried to explain it by saying that I knew it looked like an abusive relationship but it wasn't because my boyfriend wasnt being intentionally abusive.

My friend said that it didn't matter. That the reasons or motivations behind his behaviour weren't relevant. They didn't matter. He said that what mattered was the impact it was having on me. The way it made me feel. The choices I was making about my own life to accommodate his demands. The way not upsetting him was always at the forefront of my mind and underpinned everything I did.

He was right and i ended it.

I think something happened with his second ex that damaged him.

My ex used to physically abuse me, I've managed not to be nasty to my subsequent partners.

It's not your job to fix him or to accept hurtful and damaging behaviour behaviour simply because it may stem from previous traumas.

I don’t like being controlled and I felt like he was trying to tell me what to do. It was really weird.

Are you listening to yourself?

The fact that he has never said things like this before is not relevant. There will always be a first time for this controlling behaviour. If he had done it really early on, the relationship wouldn’t have even started. Now you are more involved is when the true colours will come out.