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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I did antagonise him but...

80 replies

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 21:27

Hi,

I'd appreciate some opinions.

I may end up dripfeeding but I'm not sure how much of the background is relevant.

Myself and do were arguing, worst row in long time. He was dropping me off to hospital. It has been a very stressful time for us both. He threatened to not drive me home, then said he would if I just agreed to not speak.

I waited for him to collect me and had utterly no intention of speaking to him - I was so mad and disgusted with him. I sat in the car and received a message from my friend to say she would be over to take me out at a certain time. I'm going through another cancer scare (it's been a few years) and she has been through similar so wanted to talk to her. I turned around to tell him I'd be out for an hour and he didn't react. Then I realised he had earphones in so I messaged him.

We got out of the car and he was still wearing earphones. I yanked one out, he flinched. I quickly said I was going out for an hour. He made a sarcastic remark about where I was going and being a negligent mother and put his earphone back in. We carried stuff into house, I tried to say where I was going, he smirked and shrugged.i pulled out earphone again and said who I was meeting.

His earphone broke. His face clouded over, he shoved me really hard in the face, grabbed my glasses and stamped on them. Then he stood shuddering and I waited to see if he'd hit me.

I need some outside views if this was retaliation to me pulling his earphones when I was trying to talk to him or if he is a violent man. I was with a violent man before and what always sticks out in my mind is that it was the first time when he nearly hit me which was frightening. After that I normalised the whole lot.

Some opinions please. I can't see without my glasses.

He came upstairs and said sorry but then immediately started justifying saying I'd antagonised him

OP posts:

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 24/11/2019 21:32

He's an arsehole.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/11/2019 21:38

What part of this relationship beings you happiness security affection and love ?

FlashesOfRage · 24/11/2019 21:38

The end of the incident is almost a red herring here (not trying to minimise it! It’s fucking disgraceful)

The way you describe your situation of completely hating being around each other and all of this going on despite you being in the middle of a cancer scare! On the way to hospital!!!

This relationship is already over and you need to get away as fast as you can 💐

billy1966 · 24/11/2019 21:39

He is a violence bully OP.

But I think you know that.

I am so sorry that you are having such a stressful time.

Be careful 💐

Boireannachlaidir · 24/11/2019 21:39

He sounds awful. The relationship sounds like it's not a very happy one. Stamping on your glasses? Is he going to replace them?

CurtainTwitch · 24/11/2019 21:41

I could go upstairs right now and kick my sleeping DH in the bollocks and he wouldn't hit me.

He's a cunt

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 21:43

This is a bad situation. There was no need for you to be ripping things out of his ears, you had messaged him. He certainly shouldn't be smashing your glasses. Why are you two even together at all?

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 21:44

@flashesofrage no we are not normally fighting like this. We had an argument yesterday, it has festered and festered in my head. I am extremely stressed out and he has been very supportive.

But things went absolutely nuclear. I was annoyed with him about something he said to my mother (he asked her to do something for his child when I specifically said it was an unreasonable request) and when I told him I was annoyed he lost the head and started arguing around in circles, yesterday's unresolved argument came back up in a very non-constructive way, we both said hurtful things. He threatened to not pick me up then said he would on condition there was no talking.

The last two days have been awful but things aren't usually like this. But I feel I would be irresponsible to just brush them off as that's what I did before then before I knew it I was not even registering that I had a boyfriend who frequently beat me.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 24/11/2019 21:46

does he often stop you from seeing your friends or is this a one off. from the way he said negligent mother makes it sound like he stops you going out alone. is this the case. will he pay for new glasses.

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 21:47

@towelnumber42 I know. That is why I am looking for perspective and explaining what happend before he shoved me in the face. I did grab his earphone but I did it in retaliation to his remark that oh mummy is just fucking off with who knows.

But really wearing earphones while throwing out accusations is massively antagonising, I certainly find it so anyway.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 24/11/2019 21:51

sorry meant to add.....

OP I do hope you got on okay at the Hospital appointment.

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 21:51

@Bananalanacake no I don't think he stops me going out alone but I certainly do so far less. He doesn't really have any good friends of his own. He has plenty people he trains with during the week but he tends to be at a loose end on the weekends and we spend time together with our child. I have a big circle of friends and have tried to include him. He doesn't have much in common with some of them which isn't necessarily a failing on his part, just different backgrounds.

OP posts:

RadishesAndLentils · 24/11/2019 21:53

He was wearing earphones while driving? Is that even legal?

And yes, he is a violent bastard. Stamping on your glasses was such a vindictive horrible act.

Are you still going to see your friend? Get a taxi or ask her to pick you up. I'm guessing you can't drive anywhere until you get new glasses. Tell your friend everything you told us.

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 21:55

Are you planning to get out of this crappy relationship?

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 21:56

This is the awful thing and the part making me question myself - I'm not going to tell my friend. Everyone knew about my ex and it made me feel so exposed. I remember the horrific realisation that I was someone who let their boyfriend hit them. How pathetic!

I really appreciate the replies. I am trying to be as honest as possible to get proper insight. I don't know if I am seeing an awful sinister side or if I antagonised him and it was just a row that got out of control.

OP posts:

IHateWashingUp2 · 24/11/2019 21:59

Yes he’s violent. You need to ring the women’s aid helpline, open 24/7.

spongedog · 24/11/2019 22:01

You have a child together?

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 22:02

Tell your friend. If it makes you feel exposed that's a good thing.

You both showed a bad side. Him more so it seems. So what? Bad relationships don't require a definite watertight who is the goodie and who is the baddie before one of you can end it. Why on earth would you want to stay in a relationship this bad?

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 22:04

Yes we have a daughter, she turned one a few months ago. He's a really good dad so far. This time she was asleep in the car. I worry about her being old enough to understand and him shouting insults at me.

He always justifies his behaviour. I actually think the only reason he came upstairs calling me and saying sorry was because he was afraid I was calling the police and had my broken glasses in my hand.

OP posts:

Pollaidh · 24/11/2019 22:05

Yes that is violent. I think you need to leave before it escalates, especially as last time you 'normalised it'.

Also, during a cancer scare or other difficult time (bereavement, job loss etc) the partner not immediately involved is expected to be more tolerant/understanding than usual. He should have been kind to you after the appointment, not unpleasant, and that's even without the physical violence.

Techway · 24/11/2019 22:06

How long have you been together? I suspect his reaction to you saying No (about the request to your mum) is what is at the root of this. He was then looking to retaliate and did so at a difficult time for you. This is very typical behaviour of a toxic person.

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 22:06

How did you both end up with the not talking thing in the car anyway?

CalleighDoodle · 24/11/2019 22:07

Well, he has a violent temper. Thats clear. Saying you are not allowed to speak after a hospital appointment when you have suspected cancer is BAD ENOUGH! How dare he! And it started because he did something you already asked him jot to do. All that, without the violent outburst, is bad. What did he ask your mum to do?

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 22:08

@TowelNumber42 because we have a house and a child together and when it's good, it's good.

We went through a bad patch a year ago, did a few counselling sessions and everything improved. I thought we were in a good place.

We have been massively stressed - family bereavements, unemployment, health scares. It has been a rough time.

I just don't trust my judgement. It was way off before.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 24/11/2019 22:08

‘He always justifies his behaviour’

Sounds like he is frequently an arse

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