I did antagonise him but...

[Brokemyglasses]

Hi,

I'd appreciate some opinions.

I may end up dripfeeding but I'm not sure how much of the background is relevant.

Myself and do were arguing, worst row in long time. He was dropping me off to hospital. It has been a very stressful time for us both. He threatened to not drive me home, then said he would if I just agreed to not speak.

I waited for him to collect me and had utterly no intention of speaking to him - I was so mad and disgusted with him. I sat in the car and received a message from my friend to say she would be over to take me out at a certain time. I'm going through another cancer scare (it's been a few years) and she has been through similar so wanted to talk to her. I turned around to tell him I'd be out for an hour and he didn't react. Then I realised he had earphones in so I messaged him.

We got out of the car and he was still wearing earphones. I yanked one out, he flinched. I quickly said I was going out for an hour. He made a sarcastic remark about where I was going and being a negligent mother and put his earphone back in. We carried stuff into house, I tried to say where I was going, he smirked and shrugged.i pulled out earphone again and said who I was meeting.

His earphone broke. His face clouded over, he shoved me really hard in the face, grabbed my glasses and stamped on them. Then he stood shuddering and I waited to see if he'd hit me.

I need some outside views if this was retaliation to me pulling his earphones when I was trying to talk to him or if he is a violent man. I was with a violent man before and what always sticks out in my mind is that it was the first time when he nearly hit me which was frightening. After that I normalised the whole lot.

Some opinions please. I can't see without my glasses.

He came upstairs and said sorry but then immediately started justifying saying I'd antagonised him

when it’s good it’s good

Again, op. This is typical. Cycle of abuse. Of they were always bad, nobody would doubt themselves and stay.

To be honest, I think what you did was bad and if a man had pulled out a woman's head phones like that everyone would be like wtf?!

His reaction was insane but as someone who can't stand being provoked I can imagine doing the same thing (ok I never have but I can empathise)

If he's not done anything like it before I would say it needs discussing and moving on from

I've told my DP not to speak to me before...when arguing it seems like the best way to not make things worse or react. You're angry, anything they say could provoke you. And people deserve space. He still drove you because he cares.

I don't think he's that bad but I have rtft

@CalleighDoodle my mum is doing us a big favour which she's quite anxious about. I was putting a plan in place to somewhat relieve the stress. I don't want to be too outing! He then wanted to ask her to do something for his daughter on top of the favour which I knew she would not be comfortable with. It would also mean she couldn't take advantage of the plans I had made to help her. I told him not to ask my mum as we would seem so selfish and ungrateful. He ignored me and asked anyway. My mum said no and looked rightly miffed. I then told him I was annoyed he had asked for more when we were already getting a big favour, his reaction was that he wanted her to do it so his daughter didn't miss out.

Just to be clear - I don't want his daughter to miss out but he has ignored my repeated suggestions to ask someone else to help (like a friend or his ex) and was just stubbornly doing nothing in the hope my mother would step in.

It's not at all fair and now I've had to call the whole favour off.

Sorry to be so vague.

I think it sounds as though you would be better off apart. You're both in the wrong for breaking each other's property but him pushing you in the face is completely unacceptable.

Did you do the Freedom Programme after your previous DV relationship?

@towelnumber42 no I never heard do it until I read Mumsnet. I though all that DV experience was well into my past. I did a lot of therapy afterwards.

'Good' dads and 'good partners don't lose their temper and violently attack the mothers of their children/wives (or indeed ANYONE, OP)

You may not trust your judgement but your gut suspects you are not to blame or you'd not be here and your gut is right. No excuse whatsoever for what he has done, he is responsible for his actions, not you. Abusers will always blame the person who 'wound them up'.

I'm so sorry OP but you are surely not in a good place if you cant speak to your DP about a bloody cancer scare or get support from him or even basic respect or freedom of movement, and that is before the inexcusable violence. Relationships shouldn't be like this, love is not like this OP.

I really recommend taking the advice on here, speak to your friends, call womens aid, photograph any redness marks or injury and consider your options.

So hoping that your hospital appointment went as well as such a thing can

Be open. Abuse thrives on secrecy. Tell everyone.

You both sound grim, as of you don't actually like respect or have any ability to talk to one another. It must be utterly miserable and a child is caught up in this.

I'm sorry to say you're in another abusive relationship. You may not have noticed if it's not 'as bad' as your last one but it certainly is abusive. I bet it's good when you are behaving the way he likes you to isn't it?

@midsomermurderess but this is my main gripe with our relationship! We never manage to discuss a problem reasonably. I said to him "you know I'm annoyed you asked my mum to do X when I specifically said not to." and he kicked off, every insult came out, excuses that make no sense, threats to cancel our holiday, nasty hurtful things. I said on repeat "what does this have to do with you asking my mum to do X?"

He argues in such a nasty low way. It's never about resolving an issue. It's about winning the fight. I am at the end of my tether with it. I don't know how to leave.

When we went to therapy she asked what I wanted and I said for him to disagree with me in a respectful way. He listened at the time but now we are back to square one.

@CodenameVillanelle I know. I really do know. I just don't know what to do.

You broke his earphones by accident when you were trying to speak to him.

He deliberately broke your glasses just to piss you off.

To me, there is a world of difference. From your updates it seems like he cant cope with any form of disagreement and takes every difference of opinion as a personal attack on him and retaliates hard. It sounds like he has issues controlling his anger

What do you mean you don't know how to leave?

I would expect a Kevin & Perry type teenager to stick headphones in to avoid conversation after an argument. He is obviously very immature as well as abusive.
OK, you shouldn't have pulled the earphones out but I think it's understandable why you did when you needed to speak to him. His reaction was over the top.
Do you want your baby to grow up thinking that this is how a normal relationship works?

He is a violent arsehole. You didn't antagonise him; he was rude and ignoring you. And he is responsible for his own behaviour, whatever you may do.
Things may escalate. Do you have someone safe to go?

No i don't want my baby to think this is normal. Last year before we went to counselling I ended up phoning the police. He was driving me crazy, yelling names like "stupid lazy bitch" at me over and over, laughing when I begged him to stop, when I told him he was pushing me too far and I wanted to hurt myself telling me to follow through, switching off the tv and the lights.

It doesn't sound like it but it was horrendous. I thought I'm not having my daughter grow up thinking it's ok for your male partner speak to you like that.

The police urged me to get a court order and at the very least log every incidence. They said they would take me to a refuge. He just kept shouting at me they were being racist. Then he roared crying.

I decided to give therapy a go and it really did improve things properly. She gave us really good guidelines and very practical advice.

But now we are back to this.

It’s not about winning the fight. It is about shutting you up. It is about making you not want to tell him no. It is about controlling you.

I think he came and apologised this time immediately because he was afraid I'd phone the police and they would arrest him.

Tell your mum
Tell your friend

You need 100% support with the health issues you are coping with.

You do not need this on top of everything now or EVER.

Do you think calling the whole favour off was part of his plan? Would it really inconvenience you?

The police advised you to get a court order and offered to take you to a refuge over a previous incident?

They don't do that for nothing OP. Okay so you decided to give it another shot with counselling, that's fine. But it's happened again. He has absolutely no respect for you. To behave like this when you're having a serious health scare. He sounds abusive and controlling.

Get out now!!

@calleighdoodle no. He just fully expected my mother to carry the load because he hadn't made arrangements.

Fucking hell ive just read your 22.48 update. That IS horrendous!

He is abusive. Counselling wont fix this. Leave. Now.