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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I did antagonise him but...

80 replies

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 21:27

Hi,

I'd appreciate some opinions.

I may end up dripfeeding but I'm not sure how much of the background is relevant.

Myself and do were arguing, worst row in long time. He was dropping me off to hospital. It has been a very stressful time for us both. He threatened to not drive me home, then said he would if I just agreed to not speak.

I waited for him to collect me and had utterly no intention of speaking to him - I was so mad and disgusted with him. I sat in the car and received a message from my friend to say she would be over to take me out at a certain time. I'm going through another cancer scare (it's been a few years) and she has been through similar so wanted to talk to her. I turned around to tell him I'd be out for an hour and he didn't react. Then I realised he had earphones in so I messaged him.

We got out of the car and he was still wearing earphones. I yanked one out, he flinched. I quickly said I was going out for an hour. He made a sarcastic remark about where I was going and being a negligent mother and put his earphone back in. We carried stuff into house, I tried to say where I was going, he smirked and shrugged.i pulled out earphone again and said who I was meeting.

His earphone broke. His face clouded over, he shoved me really hard in the face, grabbed my glasses and stamped on them. Then he stood shuddering and I waited to see if he'd hit me.

I need some outside views if this was retaliation to me pulling his earphones when I was trying to talk to him or if he is a violent man. I was with a violent man before and what always sticks out in my mind is that it was the first time when he nearly hit me which was frightening. After that I normalised the whole lot.

Some opinions please. I can't see without my glasses.

He came upstairs and said sorry but then immediately started justifying saying I'd antagonised him

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 22:53

It doesn't sound like it but it was horrendous

Are you on glue? What is your definition of horrendous if that isn't it? Even the police thought it was abusive.

Call Women's Aid. You are deep in an abusive relationship. Your idea of normal is completely fucked up. Don't trust your judgement at the moment. You are minimising like crazy. Speak to Women's Aid.

Trustyourinnersatnav · 24/11/2019 22:56

This is toxic. You both need to heal. All the best

TheHootiestOwl · 24/11/2019 22:58

OP you should never have counselling with someone who is abusive.

I think you’ve swapped one abusive relationship for another.

testing987654321 · 24/11/2019 23:02

It doesn't sound like it but it was horrendous.

It really does sound horrendous. That behaviour is awful, it's not how caring partners behave, even during an argument.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/11/2019 23:06

OP you should never have counselling with someone who is abusive.

I think you’ve swapped one abusive relationship for another.

THIS

ClemDanFango · 24/11/2019 23:11

I think you should call the police again. What he’s doing to you is illegal. How far does he have to go before you do something to protect yourself and your daughter? Does he have to beat you to a pulp? Does he have to hospitalise you before you decide enough is enough?
It’s enough now.

ExcitedForFuture · 24/11/2019 23:18

"To be honest, I think what you did was bad and if a man had pulled out a woman's head phones like that everyone would be like wtf?!

His reaction was insane but as someone who can't stand being provoked I can imagine doing the same thing (ok I never have but I can empathise)"

this

As you are the woman, everyone is ignoring your part in this because of his overreaction. Ultimately you broke his earphones because you kept yanking them out of his ears. I'd be extremely pissed of if my partner did this to me even once. You sound utterly toxic for each other and your DD would be better off if you were apart

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 23:19

Hi all, I've called womens aid and have an appointment tomorrow. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Brokemyglasses · 24/11/2019 23:26

@ExcitedForFuture sorry but I don't agree with you and not because I'm a woman and he's a man.

He put his earphones in so I couldn't answer when he made accusatory sarcastic remarks about me. He didn't have to talk to me, he could have just nodded instead of antagonising me. I wasn't pulling them out repeatedly, I pulled one out twice to respond to his accusations.

He pushed me in the face and smashed my glasses to frighten me.

I originally tried to have a discussion with him about something that had just taken place and instead he went down an abusive road.

It is nothing to do with me being a woman.

I am done with him and I am not responsible for what has happened here. I disagree with you entirely.

OP posts:

gyreandgimble · 24/11/2019 23:28

OP, you've done the right thing. It's not fair to let your daughter grow up thinking it's okay to be treated that way. Best of luck.

BrioLover · 24/11/2019 23:29

I'm really glad you've called Women's Aid OP.

FWIW my DH has a real temper - if we argue or disagree, he will need to take time outside to have a fag and calm down. He's never ever done anything remotely to scare me. He's always been adult enough to say "look, I'm really fucked off. Give me a day or so" and then we talk properly and it's sorted (we've had two major bereavements, a cancer scare and our eldest has autism so there's been some testing times). I've never been scared, or worried.

SheOfManyNames · 24/11/2019 23:30

OP was wrong to pull the headphones out, but:
Her partner was wrong to:

Be a dick in the car to OP who was going to hospital for something to do with a suspected serious illness.
Impose a silence all the way back homes a condition of taking her home.
Ignore OP while she was trying to speak to him and put his headphones back in.
Call OP a negligent parent for daring to go out with friends.
Shove OP
Break her glasses
Put her in fear of further violence

I know which is worse.
And the partner had full control of his actions. He didn't need to do any of that, whatever OP did to "provoke" him. I agree OP would be better apart from him, though.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 25/11/2019 02:18

No advice apart from what others have said but I would consider getting rid of this abusive loser as it will have such an impact on your dd she may end up in the same type of relationship as she will think it's normal....you can do this op and ringing womens aid is your first step helping your family who need you....

NachoFries · 25/11/2019 02:58

Yesterday 22:48 Brokemyglasses

No i don't want my baby to think this is normal. Last year before we went to counselling I ended up phoning the police. He was driving me crazy, yelling names like "stupid lazy bitch" at me over and over, laughing when I begged him to stop, when I told him he was pushing me too far and I wanted to hurt myself telling me to follow through, switching off the tv and the lights.

It doesn't sound like it but it was horrendous. I thought I'm not having my daughter grow up thinking it's ok for your male partner speak to you like that.

The police urged me to get a court order and at the very least log every incidence. They said they would take me to a refuge. He just kept shouting at me they were being racist. Then he roared crying.

I decided to give therapy a go and it really did improve things properly. She gave us really good guidelines and very practical advice.

But now we are back to this.

Op, you need to read this again just to remind yourself what your partner is capable of. Your first post seemed like it was an isolated incident with both people equally annoyed with each other but with one person, your DP, taking things too far. And the earphones are a red herring and at first glance it might seem that you were yanking them off when he didn’t want to talk just for him to listen to you:

So your own words of “yanked” and “pulled” seem like your actions were provocative but you later updated saying that he only put the earphones on so he can say things to you but doesn’t want to hear your response. That’s a completely different scenario and shows that you were out of your tether and he pushed you too far by being verbally abusive/passive aggressive. You don’t want to be in relationship where someone who you’re supposed to love and trust pushes you into behaving in a certain way and then gaslights you into thinking that you’re the problem. That’s not a loving relationship.

You need to get out of this abusive relationship and think of what you’d say to your daughter if she was in your shoes.

Bubs101 · 25/11/2019 03:01

Hi OP,

Does your partner know about the abuse you faced in your last relationship. He may be playing on the fact that you're willing to 'tolerate abuse' (not blaming you in the slightest) and is seeing how far he can push it with you. Your past abuse is not your fault, but some men prey on women who have been in this position as they see them as weak or easy to manipulate. Really hope you get the help you need op, for you and your dd x

itwaseverthus · 25/11/2019 03:49

dear god, won't anyone think of the children?

itwaseverthus · 25/11/2019 03:51

Whatever the argument, he crossed lines several times and you have a duty to your children to get the hell out. However you do that. i wish you well. But leave.

katewhinesalot · 25/11/2019 04:55

We argue and bicker but never do we make personal insults.

Once arguments become personal then you have a problem.

He sounds awful op. Stamping on the glasses is just the icing on the cake. That should be your final straw.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/11/2019 07:09

The thing about you 'antagonising' him is that abusive men behave in ways that are deliberately inflammatory and distressing because they enjoy the reaction. Telling you that he'd only bring you home from the hospital if you agreed not to talk to him was disrespectful, controlling and deliberately goading. Then keeping the headphones in so that he could ignore you if you spoke was more of that.
Pulling the headphones out wasn't mature and it wasn't acceptable but the onus is so often on the abused partner to rise above and never react rashly when the focus should be on the abuser and why he is behaving abusively.
This isn't a 'both as bad as each other' scenario and anyone who tries to paint it as such is simply an abuse apologist.

TheTickingTime · 25/11/2019 07:32

This is so true

magoria · 25/11/2019 07:58

So he has previously driven like an idiot. Was your DD in the car then?

Was your DD in the car this time when he had his headphone in?

If he had an accident you and she could be dead or she could be left parent less because he is a reckless dangerous driver.

These were deliberate actions on his part.

Weenurse · 25/11/2019 08:08

Get all the help and support you need to be safe.

Techway · 25/11/2019 08:19

Op, he is abusive, the previous incident is emotional abuse which is more insidious and harms our sense of self.

Once you get to the stage of calling the police the relationship has reached levels that cannot go forward. A few sessions of counselling can't resolve such deep anger.
I suspect he was able to moderate his behaviour for a while and it will only ever ok whilst you are "obeying" him, if you assert your needs or put in place a boundary he will react. I think he had stored anger from not getting what he wanted from his daughter so was looking to provoke you..and it worked.

He is likely to be a person who thrives on conflict, perhaps it was part of his childhood, whereas it drains and depletes you, that's why you felt so awful in the last argument. For you own well-being you will have to leave, it is just a case of when.

I am sure he can be nice..mine was but it was on the proviso I did his bidding.

Do you see that the likely trigger was you not doing what he wanted? He won't or can't argue rationally and probadly lacks empathy (when it conflicts with his needs) so would never have seen your mums point of view.

busybarbara · 25/11/2019 08:20

He was wearing earphones while driving? Is that even legal?

It’s not really relevant but yes, it is legal. You can more easily be found to be at fault if involved in an accident though, but it’s hard to pass legislation on this as what if you were deaf?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 25/11/2019 08:28

This.

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