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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband drinking

32 replies

rinseandrepeat101 · 24/11/2019 10:25

My husband told me that I cause him to drink too much. I agree that I can quite often not be in the best of moods, but I have grown resentful of his behaviour associated with his drinking. I don’t know how to feel about this, part of thinks it’s not my fault he drinks, but the other part thinks maybe if I was more tolerant he wouldn’t be so bad. Anyone else have experience of this?

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 10:30

She made me do it.

Ah, yes, the cry of the weak angry male. If a woman does not pander to my every whim and smile sweetly while she's at it then everything wrong I do is actually her fault.

This could be a good time to contact al-anon. Even if he's not an alcoholic, transferring responsibility onto you for his choices is classic behaviour they can help you detach from.

Italianmoma1983 · 24/11/2019 10:32

He is talking shit ! It’s absolutely not your fault he is drinking too much. Imagine if everyone who is a bit fed up/resentful of their other half took to booze to escape - we’ll be a nation of raging alcoholics! I don’t buy it. I drink a bit too much but it’s my once choice, I could do more sport if I truly wanted to be happier and stronger to cope with stressful things happening in my life ! I hope I’m making sense

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 10:33

How you should feel is angry that he is trying to blame you for his own life choices. He buys the drink and lifts it to his mouth. His choice. He could clean the kitchen or give you a foot rub when he sees you are feeling miserable. He chooses to get drunk instead. Not your fault.

Original poster
rinseandrepeat101 · 24/11/2019 10:42

I do feel angry about it because I think I know deep down it’s not my fault. He is also quite critical of me and what I do. I feel like a second guess everything that is said and happens as I doubt my reaction to things. I feel trapped and dot know what to do.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 24/11/2019 10:51

Of course it's not your fault. Unless you've tied him down and are pouring alcohol down his throat via a funnel. He's immature and doesn't like to be criticised, so he points the finger at you because that's easier than looking at his own behaviour.

Second guessing everything you do and doubting yourself are signs of being gaslit. That is what abusers do. Research gaslighting and abuse. He sounds alcohol dependent and abusive and this isn't going to get better.

You can't stop him drinking and he seems hell-bent on grinding you down so you don't question him. After a while, you won't be sure if day is night.

In what way do you feel trapped?

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 11:04

Trapped? In what way?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/11/2019 11:12

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why do you feel trapped?.

Do you have DC?. If so what do you think they are learning about relationships from the two of you here?. This is really no relationship model for them to learn from. Which begs the question too, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother like this?. Your H's drinking is also feeding his already abusive behaviour towards you. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are not responsible for him although he tries and makes you feel so (and probably this also feeds into any codependency issues you have) and he is solely responsible for his own actions. His primary relationship here is likely not with you either, its with alcohol.

pointythings · 24/11/2019 11:22

Oh yes, I remember this - mine did it too. It was my fault that he drank because I didn't have sex with him. How odd that I didn't fancy a guy who smelled of stale booze all the time. Or it was the DDs' fault because they dared have their own thoughts and opinions.

You need to learn that it isn't you. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. Please find a local Al-Anon or similar group in your area and go there so you can find out about having health boundaries and make good decisions about what you are and are not prepared to live with.

You deserve better than this. Start believing it.

Heartburn888 · 24/11/2019 11:26

He’s making you an excuse for his drinking. You could be the most accommodating woman in the world and let him have free reign of the house finances, do all the cleaning child care and have him love the easiest most stress free life, but there would still be something You do or do not do that drives him to drink. He needs to own his shit and get help if he’s got a problem, not pass the book of blame onto you

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 24/11/2019 11:31

He is a pathetic alcoholic that does not want to be grown up and take responsibility for his own actions.

Why would you want to be with such a person?

Original poster
rinseandrepeat101 · 24/11/2019 12:30

12345kbm - yes, I do feel like I’m being ground down so that I don’t question his behaviour, but I always end up thinking - is it that bad, am I making more out of this than is actually there, is it me that is in the wrong. I

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 24/11/2019 12:37

Take it from me. You're not responsible for his drinking. I should know. I'm a recovering alcoholic I was 30 years sober in April (did an AMA on it).

His drinking is entirely his own responsibility. I agree with PP that you may find Al Anon helpful, whether or not your DH is actually an alcoholic or just a problem drinker.

12345kbm · 24/11/2019 12:38

It's not you that's in the wrong, he is gaslighting you. You probably have endless and exhausting circular arguments. It's all in the abuser's handbook.

I haven't met him and I bet I could tell you exactly what he's like. He isn't going to change and it's very likely to get worse. What do you think you should do?

ohwheniknow · 24/11/2019 12:41

I can quite often not be in the best of moods

Context? Is that because of his behaviour? Another reason? How do these moods manifest?

Original poster
rinseandrepeat101 · 24/11/2019 13:06

Yes, because of his behaviour. He will quite often act like he hasn’t done anything wrong and will seldom apologise. I just try to go about my day as normal and try to ignore him.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 24/11/2019 15:11

In which case he's trying to screw with your head. It's his choice to drink and his choice to blame you for it.

Has he always been like this or has it become worse over time?

Whiteroverbaby · 24/11/2019 19:37

He should never make you feel like you caused him to drink. If you had an affair and you said you caused me to would he accept that ?! He's looking for an excuse people he's not man enough to take responsibility for his drinking. buy him a pack of beers and tell him to jog on.

Pinkbonbon · 24/11/2019 19:50

Go about your day without him in it. With people like him in our lives, we are never free. They exist to crush our spirits and if you give them a foothold by staying with them, they'll do whatever it takes to...dull your shine.

He isn't a nice person.
You deserve better. Everyone does.
Get shot of him. Get your freedom and happiness back.

TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 19:59

Bog standard alcoholic or addict behaviour.

He gets wasted. He misbehaves. You get cross. He says you are a big meanie. When someone is a meanie there is only one way he can behave: he gets wasted. Repeat forever.

If challenged he says the problem is the bit where you get cross not the bit where he gets wasted nor the bit where he misbehaves.

Never listen to an addict. Their entire life revolves around getting their next fix. Oh no, she frowned, oh well, that's it, break out the whiskey/cocaine/whatever.

Bananalanacake · 24/11/2019 19:59

so if you lived separately would he still be saying you're making him drink. suggest it. (sorry. not sure if you have dc)

Toomanycats99 · 24/11/2019 20:04

Sounds like my exh.

He drank on and off for many years - I tried to walk away many times but couldn't quite do it.

I finally had enough and walked away he told me it was my fault he drank and he had no desire to drink anymore - guess what he still drinks 18 months later! There will always be a reason - good day at work bad day at work something else. If he truly didn't want to drink and thought it was you he should take some responsibility for himself and walk away!

Hepsibar · 24/11/2019 20:39

Excellent advice. Could also call his GP, because whilst they cant talk about him to you, they can take notes over what you say and maybe if he goes in for something, then can broach subject in a wider discussion, long shot.

Until he acknowledges and wants to deal with his problem, then this relationship will continue to be very unhealthy for you. Tiptoeing around drunks in case a wrong word sets them off and often a gradual worsening of behaviour is really a terrible thing to live with.

Original poster
rinseandrepeat101 · 25/11/2019 18:38

Thankyou everyone for your comments. I really wanted to get some outside opinion, I’ve not been able to confide in anyone about any of this. It’s been making me pretty stressed to be honest. Sometime things are really good and I think everything will be ok but then I remember about some of the horrible things he has said and done, they seem a lot worse maybe than I first thought now that I have had some outside insight. I cried reading the responses.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2019 07:58

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy. You have indeed taken a small but significant step by writing about him on here.

Please take heed of what the others have written here. Help your own self by contacting Al-anon.

All your man cares about is where the next drink is going to come from. His primary relationship is with alcohol, certainly not you.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start though once you have fully extricated yourself from this marriage. You are also playing roles in his alcoholism; those of enabler, provoker (because you never forget) and codependent partner. Hard as it is to read, I would urge you to read this article too (its called the 3 act play that is alcoholism)

[[https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html]]

helloblodyn · 27/11/2019 11:25

I am joining this thread as I am in a similar situation to you OP.
My husband drinks most days but tries to hide this, or thinks I don't know. when i bring it up there is an argument which doesn't go anywhere other than him telling me 'things will change' and walking out the room. I know now from counselling and discussions with my health visitor that his actions are abusive and he is trying to gain control over me.
He also blames me for his issues and that I don't realise how difficult life is for him, juggling baby and work etc. I am still on maternity leave atm but have funded my time off entirely with my savings. I now see there is an element of financial control as he monitors my spending and I end up using my own money for the baby because I dont have to explain myself.
He has never been physical but has walked away from me with the baby out of spite. He said it was my fault because i was sulking- unsurprising when his trigger at the time was him stating that his job was much harder than mine and he resented me being on maternity leave. He has threatened to be 'out of my hair' soon. My pregnancy and maternity leave have all been about him, by the looks of things he is a classic narcissist. He was disappointed that we 'hadn't done much' during his two week paternity leave... despite me having a traumatic birth and not walking properly for 6 weeks. He has told me he has struggled because I have 'never needed him before'. Surprisingly to him, he actually had to do some stuff to help me after babe was born.
I am now in a situation where I can't bear being around him but I don't have the energy to start separation, what to do with my baby, our home, starting work again and all the emotions of that, nursery etc. I don't have family close by. I have tried to say to myself I will get by until Christmas but to be honest I am being unfair to myself. Either way, my remaining mat leave will be rubbish.
I am interested to hear what others have done in this situation and whether you have children OP? I would have walked away without hesitation if I was not risking my baby's home and routine.