Husband drinking

[rinseandrepeat101]

My husband told me that I cause him to drink too much. I agree that I can quite often not be in the best of moods, but I have grown resentful of his behaviour associated with his drinking. I don’t know how to feel about this, part of thinks it’s not my fault he drinks, but the other part thinks maybe if I was more tolerant he wouldn’t be so bad. Anyone else have experience of this?

Hi @helloblodyn - have just seen your message and noticed you’ve had no replies. I think you would get them if you started a new thread with you as OP. Very sorry you find yourself in this position. The early years of having a baby are a huge shock to the system and put a huge strain on relationships. It sounds like your partner was and remains very unrealistic about what looking after a baby entails. He is being unkind to you. The question is - has he always been selfish and treated you unkindly or is he struggling with parenthood? Could you talk to him about this? There were times in the early months after our first DC was born that my husband and I really felt alienated from each other because we were so tired, still working out how to look after a baby, quick to criticise each other when we thought the other was doing something wrong; I was a bit PNDish etc. It’s quite common for this to happen. We did get through it - largely because we got more used to parenting as time went by and were able to talk a bit about how we felt. But your DP needs to realise that life isn’t about him any more - his and your priority needs to be your baby. Sounds like he hasn’t understood that yet. Good luck. Whether you stay with him or not - the parenting experience will get easier as your baby grows. It’s a roller coaster but you have a great deal of joy and fulfilment ahead of you!

Thank you for the reply, it's nice to just chat to others who have been on the same journey. I'm really not sure about when it started- life was so different before baby and I have a professional busy job so I guess I wouldn't be around as much. This issue was there before I got pregnant, just not as intense. In fact for a while I though that it was happening because we weren't getting pregnant as easily as expected and I felt once that happened he would be happier. I've started a separate post which has received several replies too 😊

helloblodyn,

There were concerns re him prior to marriage but you went ahead and had a child by him too. Ultimately you are going to have to ask yourself why you went ahead as you did. Your child is the only good to have come out of this relationship at all.

I think you were hoping against hope that he was somehow going to become a better husband and father when you became pregnant. Infact abuse often ramps up when the woman is pregnant and gives birth. He is a textbook abuser (they all blame others for the ways they are) and a drunkard with it. Abuse is not just physical in nature either.

You are being unfair to yourself and in turn your baby. Its never easy to leave but no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable; you need a firm plan of leaving and legal advice. Knowledge after all is power!!!.

Your baby's home is really akin to a warzone with you as this child's mother being controlled financially too. You personally cannot bear to be around your H any longer. Your baby will pick up on all this, do not think he/she is too young not to notice.

Once your mat leave savings have gone you will be utterly skint and fully financially reliant on him. This man does not want to share. He wants you to become utterly reliant on him whilst he controls you fully and have you around to do all the chores whilst he drinks.

Find the strength within you to make the break and sooner rather than later. All this man wants to do is drag you and in turn your child down with him, this will happen unless you leave this person.

Absolute rubbish and I say this as an alcoholic in recovery. The only person who makes your DH drink is himself. Please go yo Al_anon you need to look after yourself and your husband needs to start admitting his drinking is a problem.

Yes I am partly to blame as I carried on in the relationship. I can't tell you why. I had thought of walking away before the pregnancy. But when it's good its brilliant and maybe I held on to that. Shamefully maybe I had a dream in my head of some life I wanted considering my age and tried to ignore these things hoping they'd go away.

When we met he was everything I wanted. He was adoring and promised me all the things I wanted. previous relationships had broken down over lack of commitment but he laid the cards out very early. Friends now tell me it was overbearing but I didn't see it. He admits the problem has become worse over the last couple of years. His family are now aware of it.

I guess it would be easier if I was back at work as I could at least try to pay my way. I'm trying to come to terms with the life I've worked to make over the last five years ending.

Thanks again for all your input

”I would have walked away without hesitation if I was not risking my baby's home and routine.”

OK. By staying you are exposing your baby’s emotional development and future MH and life chances to real harm. Have a look at the website “Adult Children of Alcoholics” to find out what is in store. Or just start a thread on here asking anyone who had an alcoholic parent how their childhood was and how their emotional health has panned out and how deep these wounds still go.

Your baby currently is being emotionally neglected because one parent is both totally emotionally absent (the alcoholic) as well as being emotionally abusive to you. Whilst he is being emotionally abusive to you he is directly hurting your baby because he is depriving your baby of your positive emotional energy. You are drained, confused, frustrated, depressed and emotionally exhausted by dealing with the alcoholic. He is draining your finite emotional energy reserves - so you have less left for your baby. You are preoccupied with his alcoholism, abuse and just coping - so this is more mental space that is crowded out with him - that leaves less head space for your baby. Your baby only has one parent and that parent is further drained and compromised by the alcoholic.

Your baby will also be absorbing the toxic, negative anger and atmosphere created by your OH. They will also be absorbing and internalising your negative state and this will leave your baby anxious, confused and distraught.

All we have to do in the first few years of life is provide a soothing, 100% attuned emotional environment for your baby. Your baby isn’t getting this. You need to leave this man ASAP and give your baby and yourself this chance. Good luck x

My ex was an alcoholic. Was lovely at first, all that I wanted, attentive, gifts, foot rubs, very loving. Hid the drinking. Very secretive, I couldn't work out what was wrong at first. He would say he'd had a hard day at work and was very tired. He was falling asleep drunk. Driving drunk, with me in the car. He was very hard work, needed looking after all the time. I decided to confront him. Told him to stop, get help, both. He promised he would. He didn't do either, just even more secretly drunk. We argued, I kicked him out (he had somewhere to go near by). He carried on text/talking to me, came back. Then he had an affair and drank behind my back. Me and OW met, in my house! We chatted for hours. We both dumped him that night. They will never stop drinking, its their only love, that and themselves. He said I forced him to have an affair, as I had kicked him out, I should have stood by him. What a complete Looser Arsehole! Get out, plan it, but go, best for all. Never stay with a drinker, ever.