I can't stand up for myself

[changethehabbit]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s pretty outing.

So, split from my ex 2 years ago, I left with our kids, found my own place and started again, I was happy and relieved as he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I didn’t love him anymore and it was the best decision I have ever made.

I was pregnant when I left him, early stages, didn’t tel him till I was about 20 weeks. It was the push I needed to leave him. He still saw our other kids at weekends.

Fast forward to ive had the baby, he comes round to see our newborn, I let him come round a couple times a week to see him as I wasn’t comfortable leaving him at that stage. All is ok, then I noticed he’s started to come round more often, making himself at home, turning up unannounced, making himself a cup of tea ect. Recently asked me to do his washing!! ( I said no!) .
I’ve been clear all along that there’s never any going back for us, absolutely no doubt in my mind. I definitely don’t feel like I’ve led him on as I don’t really like him and have to grit my teeth when he’s around. I’m polite to him for my kids sake.

So I’ve realised I need to stop him coming round so much, it’s got to the point he expects to come round and see the kids every single day. I should mention he actually doesn’t have a suitable place to live right now so cannot have the kids at his or overnight. He can however take them out in the day time but he chooses not to, he comes to my house instead!

I don’t like him coming round so much, the baby is over 6 months now, not breast fed and he’s an easy baby so no reason he can’t take them all out. I’ve tried recently to tell him to stop coming round so much but he’s manipulative and somehow still manages to make me believe im being unfair. He turns things around so that I feel like I’ve been unreasonable and I don’t know how! As after he’s gone I’m sat thinking what the hell?!
I want him in my kids lives, they deserve to have their dad but I don’t want him around my house anymore. I feel like I did when we were together, the unease of when he’s turning up. I just don’t like him in my home but I can’t seem to break the habit of having him control my mind almost!

He doesn’t take no for an answer. For example he rang the other day asking if he could come around, I said not today I’m having a day at home just me and baby. He got really funny and said he only wants to see the baby surely I can’t begrudge him that and talks his way round it so I sound like a horrible cow.

Please help me realise I need to stand up for myself, I just don’t know how! I’m so used to him manipulating me and making me feel small when push comes to shove I just can’t speak up😩

With people like this, you have to be SO clear that it might feel very alien to you.

You're obviously a reasonable, thoughtful and kind person...he's not.

What you need to do is this....text him a clear request...tell him that from now on, he's not going to be allowed to come to your house any more.

Let him know that from now on, he's having certain regular days to see his kids...the days will be the same every week...same times...you will need to decide what suits you regarding this.

Has he got a key? If so, it's doubtful he will give it back so you need to change the locks before you send the text.

He will kick off...he will go mad probably...so you don't answer the phone. You let him know by text that future conversations will ONLY be by text.

JUST DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR OR THE PHONE TO HIM EVEN ONCE.

Let him see you're serious by instigating the changes immediately.

If he kicks off at your door, call the police.

And remember. ‘NO’ is a complete sentence.

You don’t have to spend hours justifying your decisions until he ‘gets it’.

‘No, that doesn’t work for me. Goodbye’. Done engage any further

You can put in writing DC is no long breastfed so you can collect all the DC for contact from now one and contact will no longer take place in my home.

Let me the frequency and length of time you would like EOW.

Then refuse him entry to your home.

He will likely threaten to not see them etc but stand firm!!

You need to put your foot down and say no means no. He’s out staying his welcome and taking the piss asking you to do his washing?! Wtf

Defo trying to weasel his way back in.

Can you message him and say these are your contact days between x time and x time. Say you don’t get to spend time with the kids on your own as he’s constantly there or badgering to come round.

On his days, would you feel comfortable going upstairs out the way and let him do the parenting or do you think he would follow or go rooting through your stuff? Can he not go to his mothers or a family members Or suggest a play gym?

Thank you for your quick replies I'm taking it all on board, I definitely think a text saying what I want is the way forward so I will do that. Also the set times for when he has them is a must. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it and not let him manipulate me.

He could go to his dads with the kids, there is soft play he can take them and loads of places to do nice walks, he really doesn't have an excuse. I don't feel comfortable him being here while I'm upstairs or not here, I'm not sure he would snoop but I just don't want him in my home anymore, he annoys me so much and he undermines me with everything, questions what I'm doing.

It's not your problem what he does when he has the kids...as long as they're safe and happy, that's all you need to care about.

Don't slip into thinking YOU have to have concern for his arrangements, his problems or his life in any way.

You don't.

Keep coming back here to have support as you manage the situation OP.x

Him coming into your home is non-negotiable so state that in writing. Ignore any waffle or reason and go grey rock.

"Contact can no longer take place in my home, let me know your proposed fixed schedule EOW for collection and return of all the DC"

He will reply back blah blah blah you are denying me blah blah blah

Just repeat the same sentence, broken record!

You need to learn to manipulate him! “Yes! That would be great! “Bring over some nap pies, some milk, some bread, etc.... “ When he arrives announce that the dishes need doing and the laundry needs washing and you will be back at 4:30. Go to the movies.

Have you tried Gingerbread? They are an organisation for single parents and have an advice line. They may be able to give you practical steps for sorting out contact. In the meantime, you might find this useful:
www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/contact-arrangements/making-arrangements-for-your-children/

JustiLou forgive me but that's shit advice.

Of course she doesn't need that. She needs him out of her personal life and her home.

Exactly he need to never set foot over the doorstep ever again!

My baby wasn't breast fed. I split up with my ex when she was 3 months old. She stayed with him EOW from the moment we split. She's got an amazing bond with him now and she's only just turned 1. So much so, she wants him when she's ill. It's lovely to see.

I know there's other children involved but could he not have baby overnight? The sooner the better so your baby will feel more settled and he won't have to come round.

RLEOM she said he hasn't got a place of his own at the moment.

@RLEOM he can't have any of the children overnight right now as he's currently sofa surfing and he's not making any effort to change that.

Believe me it's not me being awkward, he could have all of them overnight including baby if he had somewhere suitable for them. I would welcome the break if nothing else!

I would push for him to have them EOW sat and sun 9am-6pm or similar.

Don't let it be every weekend as it sets a precedent.

Whichever days suit you best, tell him...don't ask...tell him that these are his days for contact....and state the times too as Random says.

He is welcome to go to court if he doesn't like it. If he has been emotionally abusive in the past, then you will need to get the police involved the moment he tries to force things to go his way.

You've had some good advice here on what to physically do in a kind of fake it til you make it self esteem that should (hopefully) keep you safe from him. Absolutely do call the police if he kicks off as well. And use MN as a place to vent.
Longer term, some counselling or therapy would really help you to build up genuine self esteem so you don't fall foul of this type of twat ever again. And it would be worth its weight in gold in terms of having to co-parent with him for the next 18 years.

@RhubarbTea that's good advice, I think your right that I need to make sure I don't fall for anyone like it again.

So, he rang this morning saying he was coming over, I said no I'm busy, so he got huffy and said I'll take them out for a walk then, I said fine. I'm going to text him tonight though and tell him he can't come over anymore and needs to have set days and times. Through text it's not as easy for him to manipulate me. I will report back here as he probably will think I don't mean it or will ignore me completely and do what he wants anyway so I'll need support.

I don't understand why I find it so hard to stand up to him, it's horrible.

Make sure you don't rise to what he says either in text or verbally. I strongly recommend switching to email for contact arrangements, absolutely only in writing from now on.

@RandomMess he doesn't have internet where he is so email isn't possible. He has nothing basically, he's technically homeless. He doesn't pay any maintenance either as he says he can't afford to. He does work though!

It's already started!! He rang again saying he doesn't feel like going for a walk so is just going to pop round instead!! I said no I'm busy! He said well I don't feel like going out for a walk, I said well you will have to leave it then. He said but I'm in ??? (Town which I live!) and I'm stuck here for an hour. I didn't say anything! He then said well can I at least talk to them then, so I passed phone to my 6 year old, he says sorry mate I can't see you today mum says she's busy!!!! No mention that actually he didn't want to take them out!!!! Makes me mad! Also heard him say to our son he will be round after work tomorow!!!!! I realise letting him speak to the kids on the phone probably isn't working either :/

Well done you that's a big step.

Carry on by via text. "You can no longer have contact in my home, next weekend you can either have Sat or Sunday at 10am. If you continue to bad mouth me to the DC you will not be able to speak to them via telephone".

Do you know where he works? I would put in a case to CMS that he is sofa surfing but works at X.

You need to play hardball.

Well he needs to sort it out then! I presume he works?

@RLEOM yes he works. And yes I have been telling him for the last year that he needs to sort his shit out but nothing changes!

@RandomMess I will send him a text in a bit, it won't go down well I'm really nervous about it.