I can't stand up for myself

[changethehabbit]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s pretty outing.

So, split from my ex 2 years ago, I left with our kids, found my own place and started again, I was happy and relieved as he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I didn’t love him anymore and it was the best decision I have ever made.

I was pregnant when I left him, early stages, didn’t tel him till I was about 20 weeks. It was the push I needed to leave him. He still saw our other kids at weekends.

Fast forward to ive had the baby, he comes round to see our newborn, I let him come round a couple times a week to see him as I wasn’t comfortable leaving him at that stage. All is ok, then I noticed he’s started to come round more often, making himself at home, turning up unannounced, making himself a cup of tea ect. Recently asked me to do his washing!! ( I said no!) .
I’ve been clear all along that there’s never any going back for us, absolutely no doubt in my mind. I definitely don’t feel like I’ve led him on as I don’t really like him and have to grit my teeth when he’s around. I’m polite to him for my kids sake.

So I’ve realised I need to stop him coming round so much, it’s got to the point he expects to come round and see the kids every single day. I should mention he actually doesn’t have a suitable place to live right now so cannot have the kids at his or overnight. He can however take them out in the day time but he chooses not to, he comes to my house instead!

I don’t like him coming round so much, the baby is over 6 months now, not breast fed and he’s an easy baby so no reason he can’t take them all out. I’ve tried recently to tell him to stop coming round so much but he’s manipulative and somehow still manages to make me believe im being unfair. He turns things around so that I feel like I’ve been unreasonable and I don’t know how! As after he’s gone I’m sat thinking what the hell?!
I want him in my kids lives, they deserve to have their dad but I don’t want him around my house anymore. I feel like I did when we were together, the unease of when he’s turning up. I just don’t like him in my home but I can’t seem to break the habit of having him control my mind almost!

He doesn’t take no for an answer. For example he rang the other day asking if he could come around, I said not today I’m having a day at home just me and baby. He got really funny and said he only wants to see the baby surely I can’t begrudge him that and talks his way round it so I sound like a horrible cow.

Please help me realise I need to stand up for myself, I just don’t know how! I’m so used to him manipulating me and making me feel small when push comes to shove I just can’t speak up😩

RL op has no control over her exes living arrangements.

He won't like it but tough! He has no choice.... Its your home

Suspect he's coming round because he can't stay at where he is sofa surfing, so he's just using you,

Get it dealt with op, don't let him use you like this.

@BillHadersNewWife yea I know, it's just hard for me as he was emotionally abusive for years before I left him and I'm so used to him walking all over me, I don't know why but I feel scared to speak up to him. I don't think he would physically hurt me, but he's good with the emotional stuff. He knows I feel guilty, I can't help it but I do, even though I realise I don't actually have anything to feel guilty for he makes me feel that way x

It's okay to be nervous. He's had a year to voluntarily pay maintenance, sort somewhere to live or sort something with friends or relatives for contact.

This is on him.

If he comes to the door don't open it. If he won't leave call the police.

Do you have a door chain? Do you keep the door locked so the DC can't open it?

Ignore abusive messages and just repeat the same thing next time he wants to pop in.

It sounds like he has a key, so take it back and change the locks. Don’t pick up the phone if he calls, and don’t answer the door if he come round uninvited.

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid. You're traumatized... you could even get a restraining order.

No door chain but it's always locked, however the kids do open the door after looking through the window to see who it is so I'll have to make sure they don't. It has another lock on it that i can lock aswel If i need to.

He doesn't have a key, he did in my old house but I moved a few months ago and I've not let him have one this time.

Keep it locked so the DC can't let him.

You need to explain that Daddy isn't allowed in the house anymore and he need to take them out instead and it's up to Daddy to sort that out and he knows it.

Don't put off telling them age appropriate truth. It's ok to say that Daddy has been unkind to you but it's ok that they love him and want to see him.

@BillHadersNewWife I feel like I wouldn't be taken seriously, he has the gift of the gab and no one would believe how he is. Everyone would say he's a kind lovely bloke if you asked them, he puts on a different show to everyone else. My sister has seen his true colours, and my friends and family believe me as they've seen what he's done to me mentally. But others think he's great and would do anything for anyone. He made himself the victim when I left him, made out he was a great husband and gave me everything. It's rubbish, he treated me like crap!

Just stand your ground he sounds like a grade A manipulator. Tell him what is happening then don’t engage

It is very hard to stand up to these men. Mine was the same and had been able to manipulate me for years. He had contact in the FH for the first few months as was staying with friends and could take the kids there. I came back one day he was in his pants having showered ate my food and the house was a trip. He quickly dressed and took the kids out. I toughened up after that.

Money through cms. He is working. He should give you something toward their upkeep. They are his kids.

Regular contact. Day and times agreed. Have them ready coats on. Daddy is taking you out today have a lovely time. Put your coat on and leave the house too.

They know how to keep us dancing to their tune they have done it for years. Ex and I don't speak to each other now. I have taken his control away just hi. Bye. And have a lovely time on the door step. It is very hard to change your approach but you can do this.

Where he lives and what he gets up to is not your concern. As mn would say. It's ok to say no. That doesn't work for me.

With the sofa surfing and increased visits/attempting to get you in on domestic tasks for him.. has he been sofa surfing since you split? Is he hoping to just move back in? Cause that’s what I thought.

Definitely contact will be from x to x on y. And your home won’t be available for them to hang about in. If he appears at your home after you’ve told him this and you’re scared phone the police. Even if you aren’t scared a voice/video recording left running gives you back up if he flips and you need evidence of his behaviour.

You don’t have to explain why you don’t want him in your house. Its your decision. That’s the beauty of being single. You don’t have to answer to anyone.

@Lunafortheloveogod no for the first year he stayed in the house we shared, and he had the kids at weekends, then he lost the house and has been sofa surfing since. He's never lived at the house I'm in now, and I love that it's just mine.

You are all right of course, I need to say no and I don't need to explain myself. I suppose I also feel bad on the kids, but like someone said it's on him. He can take the kids out, to soft play for walks or to his dads he just chooses not to.

@unicornsarereal72 sorry to hear you had a similar experience. It is hard as you are convinced for so long that your wrong and they are right, it's not easy to shake off.

Change you thinking nobody will believe you is part of what he's done to you. Women's Aid will believe you....and what's more, they will have really good advice for you.

He has abused you and still is...which is why you could probably get an injunction against him.

Good on you getting your own place, I would love to know how as I would struggle where I live, and that would be for just myself and one child.

It is a difficult one, as each time you plan on standing your ground, something happens that sets you back, it is not easy, I know!

I'm not going to say try this or try that in the hope that it works, as there is no magic spell that will do it. Just keep trying, and be persistent, but there has got to be some proper childcare plan in place, obviously it would not be right to say take them out or else, but then the idea of doing so is not working, as he then thinks if all else fails he can just turn up and see them at your house. Do you think it might be worth talking to a solicitor who deals with family issues, just to see what their take is on it.

@Redruby25 when I left him, I had to leave our home because he refused to leave, I knew even if he did he would keep coming back and seeing it as his home so just wanted out. So I went to my parents while I searched for somewhere. I did go to the council but despite sleeping in one room with all my kids they didn't help so my parents paid for first months rent and deposit on a private rent. That's how I did it. I had to start from scratch buying everything all over again as he kept absolutely everything, but I did it somehow. Now I've got 18 months of being a good tenant paying rent on time ect I know my estate agent would help me move again like they did recently.

I have thought about seeing a solicitor but I think they would tell me what I already know.
I'm not ever going to stop him seeing his kids, never. I just don't want him in my house and I want him to commit to having the children on set days and times. As for child maintenance he's self employed so I know I'll never get any.

I need to keep reminding myself that his problems are not mine. He doesn't have somewhere suitable for the kids, that's not my fault or my problem like he makes it out to be! He thinks he's coming round today, but I'm going to tell him he's not and that from now on I want set days and times. Not just for my sake but my kids. My sons behaviour has really gone downhill at school and at home and I honestly think a lot of it is to do with having no stability with spending time with his dad. Sorry for the rambling it feels good to get it all off my chest x

How are you letting him know that from now on you want set days? By text? Well done by the way....you're doing exactly the right thing.

@BillHadersNewWife I will text. I know it won't go down well. I can't talk to him on the phone he's the type that when he's got something to say he will speak loudly and over me and not let me speak. He's very aggressive when he talks also and personally insults me. I need to be strong and stand my ground I know that.

Will he be the type to immediately try to ring you up? If so, don't answer...text again and repeat what you said. And add "All contact will be via text from now on. You are not to turn up at the house apart from on X days to collect the kids"

Be cold and clear. If he turns up knocking, call the police if he won't go.

Yes he will definitely call. He will probably turn up aswel he doesn't like being told no. I need to get the kids ready for school now I'll report back later

Send the text and block until this evening. There's nothing to discuss. By which time he'll have used all his arguments. Then get someone else to listen to the messages and read the bollocks. Tell you if there's anything you need to know. I'd also say go out and stay out for as long as possible.

Good that you're telling him whilst the kids are at school. I wonder if you could go out after school?