I can't stand up for myself

[changethehabbit]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s pretty outing.

So, split from my ex 2 years ago, I left with our kids, found my own place and started again, I was happy and relieved as he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I didn’t love him anymore and it was the best decision I have ever made.

I was pregnant when I left him, early stages, didn’t tel him till I was about 20 weeks. It was the push I needed to leave him. He still saw our other kids at weekends.

Fast forward to ive had the baby, he comes round to see our newborn, I let him come round a couple times a week to see him as I wasn’t comfortable leaving him at that stage. All is ok, then I noticed he’s started to come round more often, making himself at home, turning up unannounced, making himself a cup of tea ect. Recently asked me to do his washing!! ( I said no!) .
I’ve been clear all along that there’s never any going back for us, absolutely no doubt in my mind. I definitely don’t feel like I’ve led him on as I don’t really like him and have to grit my teeth when he’s around. I’m polite to him for my kids sake.

So I’ve realised I need to stop him coming round so much, it’s got to the point he expects to come round and see the kids every single day. I should mention he actually doesn’t have a suitable place to live right now so cannot have the kids at his or overnight. He can however take them out in the day time but he chooses not to, he comes to my house instead!

I don’t like him coming round so much, the baby is over 6 months now, not breast fed and he’s an easy baby so no reason he can’t take them all out. I’ve tried recently to tell him to stop coming round so much but he’s manipulative and somehow still manages to make me believe im being unfair. He turns things around so that I feel like I’ve been unreasonable and I don’t know how! As after he’s gone I’m sat thinking what the hell?!
I want him in my kids lives, they deserve to have their dad but I don’t want him around my house anymore. I feel like I did when we were together, the unease of when he’s turning up. I just don’t like him in my home but I can’t seem to break the habit of having him control my mind almost!

He doesn’t take no for an answer. For example he rang the other day asking if he could come around, I said not today I’m having a day at home just me and baby. He got really funny and said he only wants to see the baby surely I can’t begrudge him that and talks his way round it so I sound like a horrible cow.

Please help me realise I need to stand up for myself, I just don’t know how! I’m so used to him manipulating me and making me feel small when push comes to shove I just can’t speak up😩

He's self employed but doesn't have an email account on his phone???

I would tell him what the set contact will be, something that won't inconvenience you whether he turns up or not. All he can do is take you to court or not return the DC.

If he takes you to court he will get fixed contact anyway 🤷🏽‍♀️

Please ensure the doors are locked and the DC cannot open them to let him, be prepared to call 999 if he creates. That will also stand you in good stead to get a non-molestation order - national domestic helpline can assist with applying for one.

KOKO

I am going out now, meeting a friend.

@RandomMess he does have an email but no internet so unless he's at mine 🙄 or a friends He won't see it. I've never known him to use it really.

Well I wouldn't be beyond having a separate Sim/phone/number just for him so you can complete ignore him on between the fixed contact you offer.

I bet half these visits are actually about using your internet not spending time with the DC....

Have you texted yet? If not, it might be an idea to post it here first so that people can help you with the wording.

I can see why he is a hard man to stand up to but you can do it .

OP in the nicest way stop dragging your feet and find the courage to text him! Do it now whilst with your friend for the support you need.

She's said she's going to text! I'm sure she's got things to do other than post here!

She's been sending the text since yesterday morning!

I know it's scary OP but you can do it.

Afraidofthedark I'm sure it's easier for someone who isn't in the situation to consider than it is for OP.

I text him this morning. simply said that I didn't want him coming around anymore and from now on we will have set days and times for him to have the kids. He replied saying it's unfair on the kids and he will see me up at the school this afternoon 🙄. So he's ignoring what I said and will prob show up!

It's all well and good telling me I'm dragging my feet but I've been emotionally abused by him for years, he's got right into my head and I'm here for support in making sure he can't continue to do this! It's hard, really hard. But I have text him, and I intend to stick to what I've said and come back here for support cos I need it right now. Not sure what I'm going to do if he does show up at school. Not long I can do really

Just say "oh what time are you dropping them home?"

Make sure you have supplies for the baby packed.

Stay calm and polite.

Is he less likely to kick off because it will be public?

Have your phone ready to call 999 if you get frightened or he refuses to leave/insists on coming back to yours despite you saying no.

Repeat to the DC that Daddy is welcome to take them to the park/Mcdonalds then drop them home.

He might kick off in public, probably make out to everyone like I'm stopping him seeing his kids. I'm used to him playing the victim.

I've popped home now so I'll get everything baby needs together, and if he wants to take them for a few hours then that's fine.

Grey rock

"You are welcome to take the DC out this occasion"

Have you worked out a routine that would work for you, knowing that he will fail to have them? Such as Tues and Thursday after school and every other Saturday?

Have a good think through what would be deemed reasonable by the courts and no it won't be every weekend as otherwise you can't go away etc.

Ultimately if he refuses to agree fixed contact and keeps turning up at school and upsetting the DC you can take it to court and self rep cheaply.

Have you investigated getting a non-molestation order, National DV helpline could help you with this. Means he can't come near you unless is for agreed contact collection or other specific things.

Dig deep and stay calm and let him make a fool of himself.

Probably too late now but could you have picked them up early? Avoid the drama?

I don't think he could get overnights anyway as he is technically homeless, he has nowhere for them to stay.

I haven't thought much about times and days yet but I will later. Whatever I suggest he won't stick to it he's never been reliable. Picking kids up now.

No he won't stick to it at which point just refuse anything until he gets a court order.

What I mean by EOW is don't offer every Sat or every Sunday as it means you are stuck making them available, for him to never bother turning up half the time anyway.

So EO Sat or Sun is perfectly reasonable as well as 2 days after school term time only and then perhaps 30% of weekday school holidays to be agreed 3 months in advance.

You know he won't abide by it but you will have been super reasonable. You can include that when he gets appropriate accommodation it can be increased and include overnights.

KOKO
E addition

Well done for texting him.

Tell him his logic is backwards: how can having set times be unfair on the kids? At the moment they don't know if they're coming or going, when they will see him or when they won't.

By putting something more formal together, it's got to be better for everyone.

It must be exhausting having this battle all the time. Yes, you've left him, but he's still in your life every single day. I wouldn't want him in my home either!

I hope you start to get through to him.

His living arrangements are totally up to him; surely he must know that if he had his own place, the kids could stay with him? He chooses not to be organised, he chooses to be all over the place and he chooses to make your life as complicated as possible. Because he's an arse.

Are you okay @changethehabbit? How was school?

I'm ok, he took the kids after school for an hour or so, they are back now. He argued that set days and times wouldn't work, and then said to me you chose to be a single parent so you made your bed now lie in it!

So I shut the door on him and he's gone now. 😩

What a dick.

Just start refusing all weekend contact. At the moment you can't refuse him having them after school but if you play it cool and go ok see you later DC he will get fed up of it not bothering you.

If you have play dates arranged for the DC they will can choose which they prefer. No big deal.

In the meantime investigate taking it to court. It's not like he can collect the DC from school and fail to return them as he is sofa surfing.

This is about controlling you do by pretending not to care about him showing up at school but refusing him in your home he will get bored quickly.

You have done really well to stand up to him. He will shout and make a fuss but it is because he is losing control of you. I had it from ex. Screaming in my face. Just keep calm and keep repeating you can see the children on Saturday.

This way none of you can make any plans. Because you are always in limbo. Tell him the children need a good routine and structure. And you can't wait for him to have them over night once he has sorted a place.

Well done. The first steps are the hardest, you will get better at being confident & assertive. Practice will make perfect!

Well done for getting away from him. You have been very brave. Please get one of the domestic abuse apps on your phone and contact the police for advice re alarms.

I would suggest consulting a solicitor to get this laid down legally and then your children will also know when spending time with dad.

You may also need to let the school know in case he tries to pick up from school.

Keep a note of phone calls, times, dates, no maintenance, not wanting to keep to appts, intimidating behaviour and so forth.

Good luck.

I love that you shut the door on him! But listen....by telling you "he'll see you up the school" he's already ignoring your wishes.

NExt time, say "No, I have plans" no other information. Choose your days and stick to them.

If he kicks off at school so be it. You can speak to your head of the school and let them know...they will understand...tell them that he's been turning up at your home unannounced so you've told him that from now on, ad-hoc days aren't happening and that may mean he kicks off outside school.

If he really kicks off they or you will call the police.