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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Torn. Equality in a relationship

57 replies

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 12:26

Hoping for some opinions Smile

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. I really like him...he' sweet, kind and makes me laugh. Lately though I've been having some doubts, mainly around the equality of the relationship.

We tend to spend all our time at my place. I've only been to his place a couple of times. He seems to prefer being at mine because he says it's nicer, which is probably true. But this means that for several days of the week, I'm paying for two people and he doesn't really bring anything to the table or offer to contribute financially. He's quite funny about money in general.

I expressed a desire to spend the weekend at his and my understanding was that was what was going to happen. A couple of days before, he texted me to say he couldn't afford to cook for me so would come to mine if that was ok.

I was pissed off, to say the least. I believe him when he says he doesn't have a lot of money, but he's not (to my knowledge) starving and I can't believe he can't spare a fiver to cook us a basic meal when it would only be the second time in our entire relationship that he's cooked for me, and I cook for him every week. It's also feels like he sees me as a free B&B. I told him no, that I would go to his but not stay very long, which he said was fine but his tone suggested to me he wasn't too happy about it.

I'm starting to feel resentful and annoyed and I'm losing respect for him as I feel his behaviour shows a lack of respect for me. We're not young so there isn't even that excuse. I don't want to do anything rash because I love him and he has so many good qualities, but it's really grating on me. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 23/11/2019 12:33

you sure he isn't married. I had a boyfriend whose house I went to twice in 4 years. he was trying to hide me from his family.

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 12:34

I'm sure he isn't married.

OP posts:
Timetobegood · 23/11/2019 12:37

Is he working/earning?

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 12:39

He works part time.

OP posts:
Elieza · 23/11/2019 12:41

Perhaps he has a girlfriend who lives nearby or her pal does and will see you going into his house with him?

Check the electoral roll hard copy at his local library and see whose names are on it at his address.

Something isn’t right. If it isn’t that then he’s stingy. Who wants a stingy mate. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Timetobegood · 23/11/2019 12:41

Does he have money problems or is he just tight?

PurpleWithRed · 23/11/2019 12:41

why Does he only work part time? I’d be pissed off that he’s sponging off you.

AutumnRose1 · 23/11/2019 12:42

What was his place like?

Sorry but it does sound like free b&b. How much time do you spend together at yours? He’s saving on food, heating, electricity etc

What would he have eaten if you weren’t cooking? I presume he wouldn’t starve.

MaiMai2019 · 23/11/2019 12:44

Can you bring it up and discuss how you feel? It might be that he's a crap cook. What's his place like?

areyouafraidofthedark · 23/11/2019 12:45

Whys he only working part time?

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/11/2019 12:47

Cocklodger in training! Fuck that. He's basically told you he's want to come to yours because he's broke and wants free food.

I MIGHT have accepted "I'm skint this weekend so how bout we postpone and I'll make it up to ext week." But he's saying loud and clear that he expects you to pay for him when he's skint. Loud and clear!

BuildBuildings · 23/11/2019 12:50

How old is he? Has he always worked part time? If he's saving money by eating several meal a week at your house then if he had enough money to live off I'd expect him to be able to afford a joint meal at his.

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 12:53

He's not a crap cook and his place is fine. Small but perfectly pleasant. No evidence of anyone else. I don't know why he only works part time but I guess it's because of some physical health problems, not sure. I've never asked him directly about it.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 23/11/2019 12:57

FFS, another one of these!

He's quite funny about money in general.

No, sweetie, he's a skinflint.

Newsflash: he is only 'sweet and funny' when he is mooching off you! He is a cocklodger. EVERYTHING he says about your place being nicer is bullshit, he wants to stay at yours because he does so for free.

But no go at his, even for one weekend.

Wake up! He's a freeloader. He expects you to pay for him, lock stock and barrel.

This does NOT improve because he'll only use and use you more and more.

This is NOT love because this is who he is: a freeloader.

You need to end it. That's not rash, that's sensible. You're being used here.

cakeandchampagne · 23/11/2019 12:59

Sorry, but after ten months it seems you would know much more about him. (And be welcome & comfortable in each other’s homes.)

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 13:00

Is there really any need for such an aggressive, condescending tone @dontalltalkatonce?

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 23/11/2019 13:03

Donalltalkatonce may be a little blunt but I have to say I agree with her...

Bluntness100 · 23/11/2019 13:06

I also am a bit bemused that after dating ten months you don't even know why he works part time, are you scared to ask him or not interested?

I don't think the relationship has legs. How old are you both? Not being able to cool an extra portion for dinner is seriously skint. And yes he's sponging off you,

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/11/2019 13:08

Are you sure he can cook? I have known too too many men that can cook only one dish. They cook their “special dish” early in a relationship to impress a woman and then are in agony and too embarrassed to admit their “special dish” is the one and only thing they can cook.

I suppose you could ask him to bring ingredients to yours and you cook together to offset costs of him staying over.

He may also not know how to clean or has messy housemates and is too embarrassed for you to be there overnight. He may feel its good enough for him, but too dirty for you.

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 13:09

I don't think you can or should be so black and white about people. On the small amount of information I've given, according to her he's a cocklodger, moocher, skinflint, user and freeloader. It's a bit extreme.

He may be these things, or he may not. I'm trying to think about it pragmatically so I can reach a sensible decision, whether that's ending the relationship or having a discussion about it.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 23/11/2019 13:10

I also am a bit bemused that after dating ten months you don't even know why he works part time, are you scared to ask him or not interested

This!

He is completely using you and he’s funny with money. You need to do something

AutumnRose1 · 23/11/2019 13:11

He probably works part time because it suits him and he has enough money to meet his needs.

I’m single by choice. When I dated, I considered it annoyingly expensive.

He’s probably decided he will only date those who cover some of his costs as well as their own. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. If you ask him to contribute to food shopping, you won’t see him for dust.

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 13:12

I also am a bit bemused that after dating ten months you don't even know why he works part time, are you scared to ask him or not interested?

I suppose I just don't think it's really my business to pry. I realise other people might be quick to ask these sorts of questions but I tend not to ask people very personal things about themselves. I think it's a fallout from being told off for that sort of thing when I was a child.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 23/11/2019 13:12

Cross post

“ I'm trying to think about it pragmatically so I can reach a sensible decision, whether that's ending the relationship or having a discussion about it.”

Have a discussion if you think it will help, but I’d be wary of him going along with you for a month or so and then back tracking.

Bluntness100 · 23/11/2019 13:15

I realise other people might be quick to ask these sorts of questions but I tend not to ask people very personal things about themselves

He's not some random, he's your partner. Confused

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