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Relationships

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Original poster

Torn. Equality in a relationship

57 replies

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 12:26

Hoping for some opinions

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. I really like him...he' sweet, kind and makes me laugh. Lately though I've been having some doubts, mainly around the equality of the relationship.

We tend to spend all our time at my place. I've only been to his place a couple of times. He seems to prefer being at mine because he says it's nicer, which is probably true. But this means that for several days of the week, I'm paying for two people and he doesn't really bring anything to the table or offer to contribute financially. He's quite funny about money in general.

I expressed a desire to spend the weekend at his and my understanding was that was what was going to happen. A couple of days before, he texted me to say he couldn't afford to cook for me so would come to mine if that was ok.

I was pissed off, to say the least. I believe him when he says he doesn't have a lot of money, but he's not (to my knowledge) starving and I can't believe he can't spare a fiver to cook us a basic meal when it would only be the second time in our entire relationship that he's cooked for me, and I cook for him every week. It's also feels like he sees me as a free B&B. I told him no, that I would go to his but not stay very long, which he said was fine but his tone suggested to me he wasn't too happy about it.

I'm starting to feel resentful and annoyed and I'm losing respect for him as I feel his behaviour shows a lack of respect for me. We're not young so there isn't even that excuse. I don't want to do anything rash because I love him and he has so many good qualities, but it's really grating on me. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 23/11/2019 13:16

He may be these things, or he may not.

One way would be to ask him. Say you notice the impact he is having in your budget. And then wait for him to reply. Keep goi g til you understand his point of view v

It's good to not pry but the point at which you are feeding him half the week and he can not afford to reciprocate is the point for me that it would be worth asking.

My money is on him using you but would be glad to be proven wrong.

ukgift2016 · 23/11/2019 13:16

Oh my, no wonder so many women end up with these useless men. Total soft touch then you get annoyed when people call you out for it.

GleamInYourEyes · 23/11/2019 13:18

Are you having sex with him? Then you are very personal! You are supposed to ask your boyfriend personal things about themselves.

Interestedwoman · 23/11/2019 13:18

I would ask him for some money towards the food. You've not got anything to lose- if things carry on like this I think you'll go completely off him an split with him, anyway, so you might as well ask. If he contributes you might feel better about things.

I think he would only keep quiet about working part time if it was due to a mental health problem, because of the stigma around that. Not that it necessarily matters. Some mental health problems aren't 100% obvious, especially if people only visibly/markedly suffer with them when under more stress etc, so they can prevent major symptoms by for instance not working full time.

If he has some sort of mental health problem or is neuro-atypical, it might explain why he doesn't think about contributing more etc, he just mightn't realise it like others would.

fedup21 · 23/11/2019 13:19

realise other people might be quick to ask these sorts of questions but I tend not to ask people very personal things about themselves

You’re not going up to someone in the supermarket asking how big their cock is!
You’re talking to the man you’ve been in a relationship with for nearly a year who spends several nights a week in your home about his job!

Interestedwoman · 23/11/2019 13:20

@FinallyHere 'you are feeding him half the week and he can not afford to reciprocate'

The thing is he can afford it- he feeds himself the rest of the time, and fed himself before they were together, so we know he can contribute his half towards it, as he would usually be paying it towards his own food, anyway.

So he either is a bit of a sponger, or for some reason just hasn't thought of it.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 23/11/2019 13:27

Cocklodger sirens going off here, too... Sorry to be coarse, but if he's happy to put his dick in you, but not his hand in his wallet, I'd be having second and all the other numbers thoughts.

Original poster

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 13:30

That's what I've been thinking. I need to work out from his reaction whether he's a pisstaker or if there's something else going on.

FWIW I don't think he's using me or there's any intent. He just doesn't seem to have thought it through, and I don't know why. I don't know if he thinks I'm a lot more well off than I actually am, but even if that were the case it's not on.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 23/11/2019 13:51

he texted me to say he couldn't afford to cook for me so would come to mine if that was ok.

@Interestedwoman my suggestion that he could not afford to reciprocate was based on OP's own explanation

Perhaps it would have been more accurate to say 'he says he cannot afford to reciprocate '. Either way, it's really not good.

WaningGibbous · 23/11/2019 13:55

he texted me to say he couldn't afford to cook for me so would come to mine if that was ok

How did you respond? "I can't afford it either, I'll see you next week" No wonder he can afford to only work part time if you're buying his food and heating him.

How much do you think you'd see him if you weren't subsidising him?

Fabledfronds · 23/11/2019 13:56

Tight arse.

BennyTheBall · 23/11/2019 13:56

This is weird. It's been 10 months and you know so little about him.

Life is too short to be with a tight-arse. It's an extremely unattractive trait.

Original poster

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 13:56

I'm going to his later and I'm going to discuss it more then. The point about what he would be doing if he wasn't with me or I wasn't at his is a good one which I will make. I'm also going to ask about his work and give him a chance to tell me about his true financial situation.

Somebody posted something about him perhaps not seeing his place as good enough or whatever. I do think this comes into it and he talks about his place disparagingly, even though I think it's absolutely fine. I'm lucky enough to live in and own a very nice flat (no point in being modest at this point) and I think there's an element of him feeling embarrassed by his.

OP posts:

Original poster

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 13:58

How did you respond? "I can't afford it either, I'll see you next week"

Yes, almost exactly that.

It's been 10 months and you know so little about him.

Why do you think that? I don't know why he works PT because I haven't asked him, but I know lots of other things about him.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 23/11/2019 14:01

he texted me to say he couldn't afford to cook for me so would come to mine if that was ok

What did you reply to this?

He’s essentially saying, ‘I’m not paying-can you pay?’ which is shit!

Not, ‘I’m not paying, let’s postpone,’ or ‘I’m not paying, shall we skip dinner and you come for a drink afterwards?’ or I’m not paying, can you lend me some money?’

He is using you as a free flat/cook and presumably shag. Not nice.

Original poster

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 14:04

I was quite blunt and said that I couldn't afford it either, and he phoned me. He said he didn't expect me to subsidise him and he could bring some food in future, but he didn't address not spending time at his. I said I'd like to go to his this weekend and he said something about how it might be quite basic. I'll have to see when I get there. I feel horrible for writing about this on a public forum.

OP posts:

Tableclothing · 23/11/2019 14:05

I don't think you can or should be so black and white about people.

In general day-to-day life I agree. But when it comes to finding a life partner I think it's better to have a pretty low threshold for how much you're prepared to put up with.

How much effort does he go to for your sake? (Not the same thing as how much money does he spend. Does he think of interesting things to do? Does he notice and remember things you're interested in? Does he - just for example - give you a back rub in exchange for cooking him dinner? Does he do the washing up?)

Original poster

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 14:11

He's very good in this respect. He goes out of his way to help me with things or support me in something. For example, I was sent to A&E about something precautionary (i.e. I wasn't gravely ill), and even though I told him not to worry about coming, he took time off work to be with me. Weirdly, he offers me petrol money if we go somewhere in my car. He's very affectionate and always seems more concerned with me and my comfort/happiness than his.

This is why I'm not just writing him off as a cocklodger.

OP posts:

dreichwinter · 23/11/2019 14:12

I think perhaps a lack of communication is the biggest thing here. You maybe need to find out a little more about each other.

Original poster

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 14:13

Oh, and he was very generous on my birthday. Not that I think money spent on birthdays is important but I feel it's worth mentioning.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/11/2019 14:21

I suppose I just don't think it's really my business to pry.

You know what, if this is just a man you like and you're dating then I can
understand you not wanting to pry.

If you're looking for a future husband then you need to exercise due diligence (also known as prying)

So I guess it all depends what your future goals for this relationship are.

sprouts21 · 23/11/2019 14:30

It's quite normal to receive a gift on birthdays. And he can afford to considering you are subsidising him several days a week as he is saving a significant amount of money here at your expense.

Cocklodging is not just about money. It's about exploiting someone and having an easy life.

Chapellass · 23/11/2019 14:32

I couldn't be with someone like that, nothing worse than half effort and inequality. Would be game over for me - but ultimately it's up to you where you compromise in a relationship.

My sense is you will accept whatever excuse he comes up with because you have been upset with everybody who has criticised him because they would find his behaviour unattractive and repelling.

But that's ok as none of us are with him - and if it doesn't affect your attraction to him then that's up to you.

AutumnRose1 · 23/11/2019 15:00

“ For example, I was sent to A&E about something precautionary (i.e. I wasn't gravely ill), and even though I told him not to worry about coming, he took time off work to be with me. Weirdly, he offers me petrol money if we go somewhere in my car. He's very affectionate and always seems more concerned with me and my comfort/happiness than his.”

Should have put that in your OP!

Original poster

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 15:14

Yes, I probably should have done but I didn't want to write an essay. Does that change things? I did make a point of saying he was sweet, kind and had many good qualities.

OP posts:

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