Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Torn. Equality in a relationship

57 replies

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 12:26

Hoping for some opinions Smile

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. I really like him...he' sweet, kind and makes me laugh. Lately though I've been having some doubts, mainly around the equality of the relationship.

We tend to spend all our time at my place. I've only been to his place a couple of times. He seems to prefer being at mine because he says it's nicer, which is probably true. But this means that for several days of the week, I'm paying for two people and he doesn't really bring anything to the table or offer to contribute financially. He's quite funny about money in general.

I expressed a desire to spend the weekend at his and my understanding was that was what was going to happen. A couple of days before, he texted me to say he couldn't afford to cook for me so would come to mine if that was ok.

I was pissed off, to say the least. I believe him when he says he doesn't have a lot of money, but he's not (to my knowledge) starving and I can't believe he can't spare a fiver to cook us a basic meal when it would only be the second time in our entire relationship that he's cooked for me, and I cook for him every week. It's also feels like he sees me as a free B&B. I told him no, that I would go to his but not stay very long, which he said was fine but his tone suggested to me he wasn't too happy about it.

I'm starting to feel resentful and annoyed and I'm losing respect for him as I feel his behaviour shows a lack of respect for me. We're not young so there isn't even that excuse. I don't want to do anything rash because I love him and he has so many good qualities, but it's really grating on me. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 23/11/2019 15:16

It doesn't have to be a big discussion. Just keep a mental tally and be firm about insisting he pays for his share. Make sure you stay equal time at his place eating his food using his electricity. Rather than using yours because it is a nicer place to be he should be sprucing up his own place to make it nicer when you visit.

mummmy2017 · 23/11/2019 15:21

I know someone who was broke, he romanced the woman, nights in, he chipped in for small things like petrol and wine.
He got her a cheap ring for Xmas, no other gifts, and by the end of Jan had moved into hers.
All bills in her name, she soon found out he only paid his share of bills, and she couldn't get him out.

Robin2323 · 23/11/2019 15:32

@mummmy2017
Is it her place?
Did she expect him to pay more ?

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 15:36

Thanks @TowelNumber42

I'm a bit of a loner and I've no desire to live with anyone, ever, so that won't be a problem.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 23/11/2019 16:26

Robin2323
It wasn't me, but she thought as he earns more they would have a better social life as she was just getting by, and she though he would go 50/50 on luxury things like a few take aways and nights out.
However due to his debts they were still budgeting all the time.

Robin2323 · 23/11/2019 19:46

@mummmy2017
I see.
I'm very independent and it was almost 4 years before dp moved in together- so knew his financial situation inside and out.
In fact , similar to your friend , earned well but had debt- but we worked out who paid for what and he sorted the debt before we got our house.

category12 · 23/11/2019 19:50

he couldn't afford to cook for me so would come to mine if that was ok

Cheeky bugger. Hmm

New posts on this thread. Refresh page