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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not invited to parent's birthday celebration

64 replies

Imyellingtimber · 22/11/2019 18:38

Last month my Mum celebrated a big birthday. Earlier in the year I asked my siblings if they were free to take her out for lunch, knowing we'd go out in the evening but thinking it would be nice to spend quality time together. No one replied to my message. Fast forward to her birthday. I turn up at the restaurant and after we had ordered my brother pipes up that the menu has the same niche dish as the pub he had been to at lunchtime. A small number of questions led me to find out all 4 of my siblings had been for lunch with our mum and I hadn't been invited. I was gobsmacked and understandably didn't want to cause a scene. My mum noticed I was quite quiet and asked what was up. I couldn't help showing my upset. She didn't apologise per se but said she thought I'd be busy at work. No particular reason why I'd be busier than my siblings. I'm supposed to be seeing her on Monday for our annual Christmas shopping trip and I'm not sure I want to spend time with her. I'm really really upset. What can I do?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2019 18:41

Wow. That’s very hurtful. I’m not sure what you can do but you don’t have to meet her.

Drum2018 · 22/11/2019 18:45

That was lousy and her excuse is shit. How come your siblings didn't mention it to you?

NaomiFromMilkShake · 22/11/2019 18:45

Is there a back story, your so called DB is a shit stirrer. Angry

HyggeHeart · 22/11/2019 18:45

Wow, I'd be upset too. Meet if you feel like you are ready to ask her as about it, otherwise I'd give it a miss. XXX

Charles11 · 22/11/2019 18:51

That’s pretty horrible. What’s the real reason why you wouldn’t be invited? Are you left out of a lot of things like that?

Cauliflowerpower · 22/11/2019 18:54

Didn't you ask them to take her out though? Perhaps they thought from that that you couldn't

Silencedwitness · 22/11/2019 18:56

That’s really horrible. Regardless of how busy they think you are, why didn’t they ask?

Ginger1982 · 22/11/2019 19:27

I'm confused. Did you ask them to take her out without you or were you wanting to all go out for lunch and dinner?

happytoday73 · 22/11/2019 19:30

I read your message as if you asked your sibling to take her out... They did exactly what you asked... Perhaps they read it the same way as well ie asked them to take out... Not all of you
..

Original poster
Imyellingtimber · 22/11/2019 19:48

Apologies for the confusion. I messaged my siblings to ask if WE could take her out together. So indicating I was available and asking if they were.

No none of my siblings has got in touch or mentioned it. We all live within 50 miles of each other so with planning can meet up with fairly easily. They have messaged me to ask what DC want for Christmas but no mention of the non-vitation.

I am superficially less successful than my siblings if you measure success in salary. I know I have the smallest house, oldest car, least prestigious job. I do a considerable amount of volunteer work (alongside my career) which because it's unpaid has no value to my family. But the place they went for lunch was just a 'nice' pub restaurant that I can certainly afford. And my flexible working means day time off is easier for me than any of them.

I keep asking myself, why didn't she ask? And then on the day when it was clear I wasn't there why didn't my siblings stand up for me? And finally, why have none of them been in touch to check I'm OK?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 22/11/2019 19:50

I would even hurt to, albeit your text could perhaps be read as you not going I would have expected siblings to ask, but I would also have chased up the no response

I think you need to see your mum, especially if you are going on your own and have a heart to heart with her and tell her just how upset and hurt you are. Then agree if she or you tell your siblings the same so they understand and don’t do it again. Then draw a line under it and mice on

Chloemol · 22/11/2019 19:51

Move not mice

TimeForNewStart · 22/11/2019 19:54

You can’t really think that we would have more of an idea as to reasons than you would have, surely?

Micah · 22/11/2019 20:07

It’s wierd but dh’s family do this too.

We’ll find out they’ve had a family dinner or planned a birthday without telling us. Often when extended family ask where we were afterwards.

If we ask why they’ll say as it was a family thing they knew we’d have no childcare (as we can only go out if mil babysits, obvs Hmm ) . Or x thought y had said something, who thought z had... or simply they thought we wouldn’t want to go.

His sister and her kids always manage to get their invites though...

Original poster
Imyellingtimber · 22/11/2019 20:11

My message said 'do we all want to take her somewhere nice for lunch on her actual birthday?'

I think I need to draw a new line. NC is ridiculous as the DC love her and their cousins. But I need to protect myself from being hurt by people not meeting my expectations by not having such high expections of them as I do of myself.

OP posts:
Poing · 22/11/2019 20:13

OP, it looks like you have been deliberately excluded. Have they done this before?

Ginger1982 · 22/11/2019 20:31

So did you all converse to arrange the dinner then? And did none of them say anything?

BambooBoobam · 22/11/2019 20:34

I would message your mum and say you’re not available for shopping on Monday now as you’re ‘busy with work’.

theoriginalmadambee · 22/11/2019 20:38

You need to find out who excluded you. Your dm or your siblings.
Have you fallen out with any of them recently?

If not, I would be very hurt and angry. Even if it was an expensive lunch, they could and should have worked something out to include you.

Either way I wouldn't take this lightly, in the end your dc might get the same treatment.

cees · 22/11/2019 20:39

Ask on the group chat, where was my invitation. Is there a reason you were excluded. See what they say.

supadupapupascupa · 22/11/2019 20:42

I wouldn't group chat I'd be ringing them to find out. Pick the one most likely to tell you first.

EmmiJay · 22/11/2019 20:43

Thats horrible! I couldn't imagine my sisters arranging something like that without including me and vice versa. If I was you I'd message each of my siblings calling them 'snakey bitch' ☻

Helga55 · 22/11/2019 20:48

I think I'd be asking myself what else they'd done without me, and are they, do they talk about me behind my back Sad

willieversleep · 22/11/2019 20:52

That's strange and mean

Oblomov19 · 22/11/2019 20:55

This is truely shit. By her. By your siblings.
Surely there is a back story here?

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