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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not invited to parent's birthday celebration

64 replies

Imyellingtimber · 22/11/2019 18:38

Last month my Mum celebrated a big birthday. Earlier in the year I asked my siblings if they were free to take her out for lunch, knowing we'd go out in the evening but thinking it would be nice to spend quality time together. No one replied to my message. Fast forward to her birthday. I turn up at the restaurant and after we had ordered my brother pipes up that the menu has the same niche dish as the pub he had been to at lunchtime. A small number of questions led me to find out all 4 of my siblings had been for lunch with our mum and I hadn't been invited. I was gobsmacked and understandably didn't want to cause a scene. My mum noticed I was quite quiet and asked what was up. I couldn't help showing my upset. She didn't apologise per se but said she thought I'd be busy at work. No particular reason why I'd be busier than my siblings. I'm supposed to be seeing her on Monday for our annual Christmas shopping trip and I'm not sure I want to spend time with her. I'm really really upset. What can I do?

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 22/11/2019 20:59

"My mum noticed I was quite quiet and asked what was up. I couldn't help showing my upset. She didn't apologise per se but said she thought I'd be busy at work. "

And you dud the day anything else? Question her? Phone her later? Talk to her on the phone the next week?

Phone her tonight and explain?
Say you don't want to go Christmas shopping, and explain why?

Stand up for yourself for once!

Original poster
Imyellingtimber · 22/11/2019 21:12

She messaged me asking me to take the day off with her the week after but I had meetings all that week and then it's the shopping day so didn't seem much point taking an extra day to clear the air. But after that I've had a message following up on a Facebook post I'd done (genuinely nothing related to this. It was a volunteer thing) but nothing else. No bridges being built.

I'm hoping it was an 'no one knew no one had invited me' oversight but I'm so thoughtful about others (I'm told ☺️) if I realised one sibling was missing I'd make sure I apologised for missing them off. Even if it wasn't strictly my 'fault' I'd feel complicit in making someone feel excluded.

OP posts:
Timeforanamechange2020 · 23/11/2019 07:27

So sorry that you were left out, but who organised the meal?

I’m guessing communication between you all is a bit strained and I’d be asking a lot more questions than you, surely the meal would have come up in casual conversation with at least one of your siblings before the date. Plus if I hadn’t had a reply to my suggestion of a meal after a week or so I’d bit following it up in a ‘so what does everyone think of my meal idea?’ way’

Drum2018 · 23/11/2019 11:31

I would have to text siblings to ask who organised the lunch and why they felt it was acceptable to exclude you. There's no way I'd let it go and pretend all was ok.

Sotoes · 23/11/2019 11:40

I would have to get to the bottom of this OP. If it causes a row, so what!

You deserve to know why this happened.

Newschapter · 23/11/2019 12:01

@Imyellingtimber

If this was my family and this had happened on the day, one of us would have phoned the sibling that hadn't showed up and checked out what was happening.

This was planned behind your back and done on purpose, for whatever reason. Don't you think that on the day, when you didn't show, if it had been an oversight someone may have said: "where's @Imyellingtimber?" Which may have led on to a conversation over who had forgot to invite you?

This has been done on purpose. And your mum is complicit as mine would be devastated if one of us had been left out and would have contacted us then and there to explain what had happened.

Original poster
Imyellingtimber · 24/11/2019 19:57

I'm going to go. At the very least I'll get my Christmas shopping done and perhaps over lunch I'll brave the subject.

I do agree that I would have asked the question 'where is sibling A?' if one of us was missing. Catching up with my eldest brother he has said he was directly invited by our mother. He doesn't know about the others. So at least one of them my mum thought to invite. Still not sure why once one was invited the rest wouldn't have been invited by her but that is likely to be a question for tomorrow probably.

OP posts:
winterelf · 25/11/2019 17:28

How did it go?

Pipandmum · 25/11/2019 17:31

Ask one of them. Ask your mother. Just ask!

user63212 · 25/11/2019 17:34

OP why don't you ask them?

My family do similar things and often attribute it to finances.i find it incredibly hurtful in a way that is hard to explain but i am sure you know what i mean.

i suppose all i can say is that youll only feel better when youve got answers to this rather than asking yourself questions that only they can answer. if your mum is still expecting to go shopping with you then clearly they dont know you are hurting. you need to address it.

Clangus00 · 25/11/2019 17:34

How did it go?

MzHz · 25/11/2019 17:41

That’s monumentally shit... but I’d hold off the anger to the one sibling that mentioned the niche menu thing - for me he’s trying to rumble what happened and I’d imagine that was because he thought it wrong.

You can ask your mother, but I guarantee she’ll deny it all, and if you push it she’ll probably turn on the tears.

No decent person would willingly exclude you

I’d go on the Christmas shopping thing, assuming they don’t do an pre shopping trip the week before ([santa]), but then step back.

No birthday parties, no Christmas dos, no hosting and leave them to it.

AnneKipanki · 25/11/2019 17:46

Yes , how did it go ?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/11/2019 17:49

Your brother is def stirring. Whether yo shame Mom or upset you, who knows.
Is there a sibling you're closest too? I'd mention how hurt you are it seems Mom invited all but you and no one mentioned it

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/11/2019 17:54

I’d be asking the sibling you’re closest to why you were excluded. It sounds like you’ve upset or offended someone or haven’t been enjoyable company recently and they made a deliberate decision not to have you there. Tell them how hurt you are and say you want an explanation even if you think you might not like the answer.

Original poster
Imyellingtimber · 25/11/2019 22:33

The brother who mentioned it wasn't stirring. He literally didn't even think about the fact I wasn't there.

It went OK. Hardest bit was sitting down for lunch when I couldn't exactly ignore it.

Apparently it was always just her and her friend (practically an aunt she's been in the family so long) but each sibling contacted her to ask what she was up to and she invited them. Except that's not the whole truth because my youngest brother had already told me he'd been invited directly by her. So not strictly sibling to parent contact in all cases. I said once all the siblings had been invited/invited themselves wasn't my presence missed? But it was back to 'me being busy at work'. So I'm glad I know for sure that I could have been invited (like youngest brother) but wasn't. That makes it easier to take it as the slight it actually is rather than the oversight she claimed. I wasn't invited when my other sibling was and my other siblings may have invited themselves but no one thought to a) mention it to me or b) apologise for forgetting to check I was invited.

Christmas has already been pared down as I'm not seeing any of them except my mum and even then I'm not invited on Christmas Day despite it being 'our turn'. Seems our turn was skipped somehow. That was noted earlier in the year before all this happened. What delight will the hat trick of shite behaviour be?

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/11/2019 23:00

This is awful. Has anything like this ever happened before? Has there been a rift of some sort? Does your family have a hard time communicating?

FraglesRock · 25/11/2019 23:07

Is there a crap dynamic in your family, are you the scapegoat?
We don't communicate well but that's different to being mean, can you imagine, you family all sat round and you're not there, bloody weird.

MyOtherProfile · 25/11/2019 23:08

Did you ask why your turn has been skipped for Christmas? I would have to confront your mum in this situation.

MaeveDidIt · 25/11/2019 23:13

I feel for you 💐
In short, I think your mother is spoilt having a big family and takes you in particular for granted. It goes without saying you should all be treated/included equally.

What she did was very tactless and hurtful.
On the other hand your siblings haven't shown themselves in a good light either.

Could your mother have created a position I wonder that makes them all want to be top of the pecking order?

AnneKipanki · 26/11/2019 06:46

So , the "aunt" invited everyone except you .
You are not "invited " for your Christmas turn and you knew about that earlier in the year . Have you asked about this ?

You might want to visit the stately home threads .

Sassanacs · 26/11/2019 07:01

I think it's time to send them all a "Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're a cunt" Christmas card this year Grin

They won't suspect you as they'll just assume you got one to. That seems to be their MO.

Thoughtless ppl

MzHz · 26/11/2019 07:24

Wow! They really don’t give a shot about how any of this looks

I suggest you DONT turn up for your Christmas slot and keep it like that from then on.

They’re showing you who they are, don’t line up for more of this crap, never give them another opportunity to make you feel like this.

AgentJohnson · 26/11/2019 07:24

That makes it easier to take it as the slight it actually is rather than the oversight she claimed.

This says an awful lot about your relationship with your mother. I think your hurt is justified but part of that hurt, is the realisation that this is what your families dynamic is.

I think your mother played a greater role in the mix up than either of you care to acknowledge. Her explanation was weak and not entirely truthful and there was a distinct lack of an apology. I get the feeling that there’s a long-standing dynamic where

MzHz · 26/11/2019 07:26

You don’t need to wait for the hat trick, give yourself the best gift this year; a happier and healthier life - with them in the distance.