Not invited to parent's birthday celebration

[Imyellingtimber]

Last month my Mum celebrated a big birthday. Earlier in the year I asked my siblings if they were free to take her out for lunch, knowing we'd go out in the evening but thinking it would be nice to spend quality time together. No one replied to my message. Fast forward to her birthday. I turn up at the restaurant and after we had ordered my brother pipes up that the menu has the same niche dish as the pub he had been to at lunchtime. A small number of questions led me to find out all 4 of my siblings had been for lunch with our mum and I hadn't been invited. I was gobsmacked and understandably didn't want to cause a scene. My mum noticed I was quite quiet and asked what was up. I couldn't help showing my upset. She didn't apologise per se but said she thought I'd be busy at work. No particular reason why I'd be busier than my siblings. I'm supposed to be seeing her on Monday for our annual Christmas shopping trip and I'm not sure I want to spend time with her. I'm really really upset. What can I do?

That’s so sad! I really feel for you. My parents do it sometimes, invites my DB and his family round for a takeaway but has never invited me and my OH and DC. Gives me a knot in my stomach when I find out.

I’m really sorry you’ve been treated like this. Has anything similar happened before? Also, curious to know where you come in birth order of your siblings?

What roles are you playing here in your dysfunctional family of origin; emotionally healthy families do not behave like this.

Your mother's actions here were all deliberate as were those of your siblings (who do not want to rock the boat and remain favoured to mother).

Put more mental as well as physical distance between you and they now; hopefully with you well away from them they will start to turn on each other. You cannot stay in contact with these people merely because your DC love their cousins; those people are more likely favoured as well.

You do not mention your Dad at all here; where is he?. Is he in your life now?.

Sorry OP for what happened.
I would find this incredible and if they were friends I would distance myself away from them and make others.
Sadly they are family and at some point you may need to reconcile your self to their actions.
I would tell them how upset you are- I hope it is more down to thoughtlessness than anything else, but they should still realise how hurtful it is.
Your DM's explanation maybe correct she should have added how sorry she was that she didn't call.
I really don't know what to advise as cutting yourself off may not be practical.

This is dreadful.
The Christmas thing too. Has there been a past falling out. Have you in the past turned down an invitation? Not that this would be a valid excuse but I wonder if do, they (sibling and your mum) felt snubbed or something??
Not blaming you at all but simply clutching at straws for such horrible behaviour by your family.

Do you have a partner? Or is it just you and the DC? Could you cost up to the PIL if you do have partner/husband etc. Forge healthy and lovely bonds with them and spend Christmases there?

Obviously ignore that if you don’t like them ha!

Honestly this would make me rethink my relationships, I would scale back completely and let people come to me from now on, and if they don’t well then screw them. They aren’t worth it, blood isn’t always thicker than water.

OP, can you think of a reason, or a bit of past family history, that would mean they actively didn't want to spend time with you over that lunch?

I'm just asking because I get this a bit with the in-laws, but I'm sort of made differently to them, and I know in their eyes I can seem a bit like hard work sometimes. Because it's ILs, it doesn't get to me so much.

We had a family thing the other week, and one of my brothers didn't turn up. I wasn't even aware he had been invited and I might well have not thought to ask. It sounds awful and maybe it is - we just have a complicated history, we're different people, and I don't think of him when visiting family even though he lives locally. (The others don't, so it wasn't like just one of us was being left out - that's different to your situation I guess.)

Families are a bit crap. Your mum should have sniffed this particular situation out though, and taken some sort of control.

You're all using words I would secretly use to describe myself. I've tried not to give too much back story because I wanted to know objectively, without all the stuff that's gone before, whether this sort of thing is typical/OK. I see it is not, even if it's becoming the norm in my family.

AgentJohnson you are right. That is what my family dynamic has become. They have written me out of importance. A couple of years ago my eldest brother made a comment about 'his' family coming first. I was genuinely puzzled and asked what he meant because he wasn't putting 'our' family first (in a certain context). He clarified in black and white that no he didn't mean ours (wider family) he meant his, as in not me his sister or my DCs, his GodDCs but only his wife and DCs.

Unfortunately my PILs aren't a better option. We will spend some time with MIL but FIL is a functioning alcoholic which does NOT make for a happy Christmas.

We need to create new traditions as OUR family.

I'm definitely the scapegoat in the family. The butt of jokes. The hapless half wit. It's taken a phenomenal manager to convince me I'm actually better than the story my family tell of me.

MzHz they have shown me who they are and I need to listen. About a quarter of the way through Toxic Parents which has given me a number of revelations.

The fact that the Toxic Parents book resonates with you is telling. :(

I'm sorry. it's shit, it hurts and please, please please PLEASE know that this is NOT because of you or anything you have done or have not done.

You are not alone chick! There are a lot of us sadly.

I know first hand how devasting this is for you to come to terms with, but it DOES get easier in time. Can you see if you can get some talking therapy to help you through this? Rather coincidentally I was in therapy when it all blew up with my family/mum, it helped to have someone there that knew how to help me though it.

I get the PIL not being a better option either... ho hum... you dont miss what you never had eh?

My father has other children, and boy do I know that I'm not part of the family. He couldn't care less as long as they're paying him attention. I now consider myself to be an only child. It used to upset me a lot more than it does now, and it took me a VERY long time to come to terms with it.

I have to totally avoid them now, it's not good for my mental health seeing any of them. To them I'm nothing, a nobody, but it's obvious we're siblings.

It's really hurtful OP when you're excluded. I think paying more attention to new traditions and ways of living in your own little family is a healthy way forward, at the same time easing the others out of your life almost completely.

Bless you. They are not supposed to treat you like that!!

If you are able to make the decision to withdraw from them yourself, then at least in my experience, time is a healer and you will come to care less. Imagine a situation where you can take or leave a family gathering YOU decide whether you want to go. Stop bothering and be unavailable a bit more. Drift away. If you can get there it's great! Put your energies into developing relationships with healthy people, make more fuss and effort within the family you have made, you'll reap the benefits.