Managing unrequited love or something like that Is friendship ever possible

[Spinelessjello]

If you love someone who doesn't love you, is it possible to have a friendship or is it pointless?

I'm in this situation and have been for a long time. For a while there was a sort of on off "F"WB thing. I kept hoping for more but obviously nothing.

I still think he is great, I love seeing him and spending time with him - we have a number of common interests. He doesn't treat me as a proper friend because I think he is one of those men who compartmentalises things - I am in the exFWB possible sex box.

I now wish that I was a real friend of his and we'd never slept together.

It's a bit of a mess because also I react irrationally to somethings he does because I want him to care and I know he doesn't - an example is him not calling me when he says he will - with a friend I'd let it go but with him I find it very upsetting - probably irrationally so because I'm so wanting him to care about me.

Can I get through this and be friends with him? Has anyone ever done this?

I don't mean being friends with an ex-bf. I mean getting to friends where you've never had a relationship and you love someone without it being reciprocated.

It’s to unequal to be a pepper friendship. As you say it wo always mean more to you. You’ll expect him to treat you like a top priority ( wanting him to call even he said he would), hell want to be able to put to ou on the back burner when it’s convenient( shopping calling you when he’s got a b lot on).
Each time you feel how elusive his love is it will reinforce it in you, creating further desire and then a sense of hopelessness, even you don’t get any needs met.

Oh god the typos!
I hope you get my drift?

I suppose you are right.I think interacting with him always makes me feel that I am less than.I wonder if my hoping for a friendship is a sort of search for a poor man's love.That if I can at least get him to be my friend, that it means I am worth something to him.

This is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.It seems so alien to me.I've never loved anyone before where it wasn't a two way thing.I always thought part of the attraction and love was the fact it was reciprocal. I dont understand how this happened.It does make me so upset.I cry about stupid things to do with him.

Speaking from experience, it's not possible.

The only thing that helped was going no contact. It was terrible at first but eventually the pain went away and I didn't even think about him anymore.

Force yourself to go no contact with him and fill your life with other things.

No you can’t be friends with him because you have romantic feelings for him.
Imagine hanging out with him when he meets a woman he does want to pursue a relationship with? Could you stand on the sidelines to watch him fall in love with someone else? Not likely!

Imagine hanging out with him when he meets a woman he does want to pursue a relationship with? Could you stand on the sidelines to watch him fall in love with someone else? Not likely!

That's already happened.

I've tried going no contact and have managed for long periods but what tends to happen is we bump into each other at parties and he is all I miss you lets meet for a drink. I see him as a friend then I am back where I started. I think agreeing to see him might be a form of self harm. I always always get upset as I always always feel those feelings towards him. I wish I could stop seeing him as perfect. I see him with the rosy glow of love sadly. I've spent hours and days being miserable and tearful about this man.

I want it to stop. I want to not feel this way any more. It's ruining my life. I feel worthless and unattractive. I can't date because no one matches up to him. Believe me I've tried and tried but there is nothing worse than kissing someone and wishing you were kissing someone else. It's not fair to that new person and it makes me feel a bit dirty.

I wish I could switch off my feelings for him. I wish we could be real friends and we could be normal parts of each others lives.

No no no. Cut him off and move on. You will just prolong your heartache. There are plenty other friends out there...just distance yourself, take longer to respond to texts (until you don't respond) and he will get the point.

I wish I could stop seeing him as perfect.

Well he clearly isn't perfect, is he? He doesn't think you're worthy of true friendship because he's put you in his 'shaggable at a pinch' list (and there must be some low-level misogyny at the very least within him if he can compartmentalise women so easily based on whether they'll have sex with him or not); he doesn't respect you enough to follow through on promises he makes to you (i.e. to contact you when he says he will) and he plays on your feelings for him to prove to himself that he's still got you under his spell with all the "I miss you" bollocks, probably because he can sense you're on the verge of finally being strong enough to move on from him.

You can do much better, OP. Go cold turkey contact-wise and say 'no thanks' next time he tries to reel you back in for his own amusement suggests a drink.

OP you know the answer.

No you can’t be friends.

And you must go no contact. To do otherwise would be to actively engage in deliberately causing yourself pain. Never an intelligent course of action.

Be strong now.

no you can't and you will be thoroughly miserable if you keep on trying

I think when it turns sexual / fwb then you can’t really get over it without cutting them out of your life. Otherwise they will always hang like a question shaped anvil over your life.

Presumably he will have cottoned on that you have feelings for him (even if hevis playing dense), yet he is still sleeping with you. He isn't perfect, he's a knob. He doesn't care about you, he just cares about when he wants. Selfish and cold.

'Perfect?' Nah, perfect people would at least be nice, empathetic and unselfish.

No contact, it's the only way I'm afraid. I'm sorry it's unrequited...I've been there and after a while I realised that the guy wasn't perfect at all. I think I had built him up to be something amazing which he actually wasn't at all. Plus I think it was the fact that I "couldn't have" him made him all the more appealing.
When you bump into him keep it short and breezy. You'll feel chuffed with yourself for not giving in and in time it'll get easier - I promise.

You can’t be friends. Your self esteem will hit the floor because you are disrespecting yourself and going against your own feelings, desires and boundaries by clinging on to a relationship with this man. You are willing to accept what ever he is offering you to keep him in your life and it’s not fair on you.
If he is aware of how you feel then you will feel embarrassed and desperate hanging on in there knowing he doesn’t feel the same. At least if you walk away you know you are honouring yourself and your needs, it he can’t see your worth then that’s not your problem, it’s his.
You deserve someone who sees how great you are, someone that can offer an equal relationship, not someone who uses you for sex and ego boosts.

You deserve someone who sees how great you are, someone that can offer an equal relationship, not someone who uses you for sex and ego boosts.

I was out with some friends and a long standing male friend ( before you get ideas totally platonic, friends bf, not hitting on me - friend was there) was telling me how great I was, how I was attractive, intelligent, fun and kind - in the context of it being a mystery why I was single.

I got really upset embarrassingly so and started crying. The reason I was crying was because all I could think was I wish Mr Unrequited Love could see this. I wish it was him saying this to me and seeing something worthwhile in me.

I suppose seeing him and trying for any kind of friendship is like picking a scab and opening a wound. It is so painful and I've felt like this for honestly years.

Is it possible for you to go cold turkey and block him on everything and never see him again? I think that would be the quickest way to do it. Would you ever bump into him when you were with other friends?

I don't think this man deserves you, and I think that if you were to enter a relationship with him, he'd be so entitled and arrogant that you'd be unhappy within minutes.

Whether it's possible or not isn't the issue. I'm sure many have managed this and many haven't been able to.

What stands out for me is that when you see him, it makes you feel shitty. Whatever else is happening, whatever circumstances and emotions there are or aren't, you are choosing to do something that makes you feel shitty. Grit your teeth and go cold turkey. Breaking an addiction is always hard and horrible in the short term, and invariably something that MASSIVELY raises your self esteem once you've succeeded. Look after yourself; stop seeing him.

I am saying this with kindness: what are you doing to yourself? This man sounds like a twat. You need to remove yourself from his orbit completely. Just avoid him at all costs - don't go anywhere that you have a slim chance of meeting up with him.

The on / off contact just keeps your feelings warm and you can't move on with him in the background, always quietly hoping he will wake up and see have wonderful you are. And you are amazing OP! I hear what you are saying about dating others whilst still into this man but I think you should try to get out there anyway.

FWB are cruel when one party is keener than the other and I think he probably likes the ego stroke of you always wanting more, to meet for a drink/catch-up etc. I would avoid avoid avoid!

You need to block him on social media, and avoid parties and events that he might be attending (yes, it’s unfair that you miss out on seeing those friends, but it’s better for you long term).

What stands out for me is that when you see him, it makes you feel shitty. Whatever else is happening, whatever circumstances and emotions there are or aren't, you are choosing to do something that makes you feel shitty.

This is true. Every time I see him even if the "non-date" date is fun and I enjoy his company, afterwards I always feel shitty for some reason or another. The reasons for that have varied from him being very casual and not calling me for weeks (when we were sleeping together) to cancelling plans at the last minute or telling me how great some other woman he is seeing is (when we were no longer sleeping together).

It all hurts so much. I know I am contributing to my own pain by being there in the first place. I do know. I am aware that the pain isn't worth it but it is true that I have a better time with him than I do with anyone in the good bit. I'm so attracted to him as well.

Is it possible for you to go cold turkey and block him on everything and never see him again? I think that would be the quickest way to do it. Would you ever bump into him when you were with other friends?

To a degree I've done this on and off. We overlap workwise and there will probably always be events or parties that I may not expect him to be at where he turns up. I got caught out like this really recently when I was v sure he wouldn't be there, but there he was. I tried to avoid him but he literally cornered me - in a dead end of the building.

I am saying this with kindness: what are you doing to yourself? This man sounds like a twat.

@coffeeagogo I know this is meant with kindness and I agree with you about what are you doing to yourself. He isn't a twat though. He's just the sort of man who has alot of options many better than me. He's interesting, educacted,goodlooking, charismatic, successful and wealthy. I wouldn't feel the way I did if he is a twat. I really wish I could just be his friend without these feelings.

OP there's a lot to be said for feeling 'fine', or 'OK'. You may feel amazing when you're with him, just like addicts do when they use their chosen substance. But there's no substitute for saying an honest, calm, unflustered 'Yes, I'm good, thanks :)', or 'Can't complain :)' when people ask how you are. There's no substitute for sitting down to relax and finding that nothing is plaguing your thoughts. It's not going to feel good for a while, but when you start to feel better, you'll find healthy things to do during 'the good bit'. Imagine how much time you'd have to plan lovely days and activities if you weren't spending all this time thinking of him. How much time you'd have to meet new people.

Been there. He isn't your friend. He knows exactly what impact his behaviour has on you and doesn't care. You wont have been the first, or the last. Keep on trying with NC, the gaps will get longer. don't seek him out, actively avoid him. Block, delete etc. Its agony, you live for crumbs from him and its hurting you. Look after yourself like you wish a good friend or loving partner would, stay away from him. He is doing harm to you, its not ok. You can find peace, eventually it becomes a memory that no longer upsets you. Cut him off. You will recover, you'll get over him if you protect yourself. Build up your boundaries and say no. Then you'll be in a better place to receive and give love and care in a healthy relationship, without him. Ditch him.

There's loads of 'interesting, educacted, goodlooking, charismatic, successful and wealthy' people out there. When I had to leave someone like that behind, I realised that that (or similar) list was a list of things I find AWESOME in a person. So instead of trying to find another one like that, I decided to become one. It's keeping me busy. It feels amazing. Life is getting better. I haven't got time to look for love, I'm too bloody busy! It's going to have to come look for me, now.

Be your own project, OP. Be your own main focus. You do you.

@Eckhart I really love your post! You are absolutely right and this is what I am trying to do now too! :)

There's loads of 'interesting, educacted, goodlooking, charismatic, successful and wealthy' people out there

This may be true broadly but not when you add in single, attractive to me and for me to be attractive to them.

When I had to leave someone like that behind, I realised that that (or similar) list was a list of things I find AWESOME in a person. So instead of trying to find another one like that, I decided to become one. It's keeping me busy

The thing is that I have most of this stuff already. I am not super wealthy like he is but I earn well over £100k, I'm educated, interesting I think, objectively very successful, I look reasonably attractive I think. My only real areas of weakness is very low self esteem and I could do with being fitter and losing a bit of weight. Maybe I should take myself down the gym but the problem with this is I would be doing it thinking 'maybe this would make him want me'.