Managing unrequited love or something like that Is friendship ever possible

[Spinelessjello]

If you love someone who doesn't love you, is it possible to have a friendship or is it pointless?

I'm in this situation and have been for a long time. For a while there was a sort of on off "F"WB thing. I kept hoping for more but obviously nothing.

I still think he is great, I love seeing him and spending time with him - we have a number of common interests. He doesn't treat me as a proper friend because I think he is one of those men who compartmentalises things - I am in the exFWB possible sex box.

I now wish that I was a real friend of his and we'd never slept together.

It's a bit of a mess because also I react irrationally to somethings he does because I want him to care and I know he doesn't - an example is him not calling me when he says he will - with a friend I'd let it go but with him I find it very upsetting - probably irrationally so because I'm so wanting him to care about me.

Can I get through this and be friends with him? Has anyone ever done this?

I don't mean being friends with an ex-bf. I mean getting to friends where you've never had a relationship and you love someone without it being reciprocated.

Whatever advice given, it's not going to make much sense at the moment. Your feelings are over riding rationality and while I'm sure he's not an awful person (and has the right to be in a relationship with others), this is clearly having a bad effect on you. Easy to say but life is too short for that and if you were in a relationship, you could end up excusing bad behaviour because you feel very fortunate to have him. Sadly, I've seen that happen repeatedly.
Sorry, but no contact is the best thing and it could also prevent you from meeting someone who feels exactly the same. It sounds like you've got a lot going for you and you don't need to be validated by one person.
Hope all goes well OP

The 'its over' moment is under your control, not anything else.

He hasnt shown himself interested in a relationship with you to date and it seems unlikely to change. That's several "it's over" moments already.

As another poster said you can't be true friends with him til youve moved on romantically/emotionally. I'd go furtber and say you can never be true friends with him, forget about it.

I can't help thinking part of what you feel is due to his unavailability/lack of full reciprocity .. you have him on a pedestal. Would he be there is he wasnt elusive and relatively indifferent. It means you never look at someone neutrally or critically. If you're totally honest, what things do you not like about him? Start thinking along those lines.

I'd lso think if you met someone who excites and interests you, you'd feel differently. So you need to out huge effort into continuously changing and expanding your life until you're meeting possible candidates. It's a big world out there. How about a region change with your work for a while if possible?

*not anyone else's.

OP I was wondering if it was relevant - I said "that is all" as you seemed worried about why I was asking. If it was "idle curiosity" on my part, I wouldn't have then have spent time and trouble responding fully to what you said.

The advice I gave in the rest of the post was good advice and kind to you as far as I am concerned. You obviously don't agree so I will leave you to it.

I would love to know how this OP got on! Did she manage to meet someone?? It’s such a sad yet relevant thread for me!

It sounds like limerence rather than unrequited love (albeit the two are not too dis-similar).

Your want to become friends is in order to maintain contact, if he wasn't your limerent object you literally wouldnt care about being his friend, so many people come and go in and out of our lives over the years (especially through work) and most when we loose contact with them its just that, we don't give it much thought. Its all about keeping some form of connection to him. To keep the slightest glimmer of hope alive that some time in years to come he will realise its you he wanted all along and you can be together.

I know you rationale is making you think if you could just switch to friends then you'll have the best of both worlds but I genuinely think once you are over him you will have no want or interest in keeping him as a friend.

I hope you can figure it out, its hell, and all the research i have done on limerence, and unrequited love for that matter, it is just a hideous place to be where your life is just being wasted on someone that literally doesn't deserve it.

Maybe try and break contact, which you know will make you feel better, but should he contact you again or approach you at a function just be honest and say i can't be around you as i have feelings for you and i want to get over you.

Good luck xx

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to resurrect a thread! I just wondered how the poster was as this genuinely could have been me writing this!

I'm in the exact same situation too.

It’s absolutely the most heart breaking situation I have ever been in. I feel sick most days about it.
My problem is that I see him at work, and every day he wants to check in and see how I am.
However much I try to step back, he’s always there!

I was just hoping for her to come back and tell us she’s fine now and it doesn’t last forever 😂

@DawnFawn I see mine at work too. I'm even considering getting another job elsewhere even though this is the best job I've had so far..

Are you me??

Im fully stuck as I genuinely do not believe he is a bad guy. I am just not what he wants in a relationship.

We dated for 6 months, and then he told me he didn’t want any thing committed. He’s single, a bit socially awkward and I genuinely didn’t think anyone else was in the picture so I just figured he was still having issues from his divorce (4 years ago)
So we have this amazing, fun and flirty friendship with me hoping in the back ground that he would come around but he never did. We have lunch every day together, he comes and hangs out in my office for coffee, he calls me on the way home etc.
We go in cycles, everything is perfect and it feels like we are getting somewhere then will suddenly go cold, prompting me to go into a bit of a tizz. I will then tell him that I need to back off and not be so friendly with him anymore.
He then turns up the charm, says he misses my company, and then I relent and we are back to square one. The cycle begins again. It’s been 2 years now.
Only now, I think he’s met someone. His behaviour has changed, he is exactly the same at work but he will not reply to messages in the evenings, or weekends when he hasn’t got his children. And he is online on WhatsApp for hours, just not reading my messages. Then as he was showing me something on his phone, he got a WhatsApp from a (girls name) and my stomach just sank.
I think he likes knowing I have feelings for him and I am definitely an ego boost. I need to get my dignity and walk away. But it’s killing me inside….