Managing unrequited love or something like that Is friendship ever possible

[Spinelessjello]

If you love someone who doesn't love you, is it possible to have a friendship or is it pointless?

I'm in this situation and have been for a long time. For a while there was a sort of on off "F"WB thing. I kept hoping for more but obviously nothing.

I still think he is great, I love seeing him and spending time with him - we have a number of common interests. He doesn't treat me as a proper friend because I think he is one of those men who compartmentalises things - I am in the exFWB possible sex box.

I now wish that I was a real friend of his and we'd never slept together.

It's a bit of a mess because also I react irrationally to somethings he does because I want him to care and I know he doesn't - an example is him not calling me when he says he will - with a friend I'd let it go but with him I find it very upsetting - probably irrationally so because I'm so wanting him to care about me.

Can I get through this and be friends with him? Has anyone ever done this?

I don't mean being friends with an ex-bf. I mean getting to friends where you've never had a relationship and you love someone without it being reciprocated.

If you have achieved all the things YOU find awesome in a person, you wouldn't have low self esteem. When you say 'objectively very successful', does that mean that the world would view you as successful, but you don't feel succesful in yourself? If that's the case, what would make you feel successful in yourself?

I've misspelled 'successful'... how ironic.

If you have achieved all the things YOU find awesome in a person, you wouldn't have low self esteem

I disagree I'm afraid and I'm living proof of it. Self esteem isn't about anything external. It's about how you feel about yourself. I unfortunately have a close link to how I feel about myself and how this man feels about me. His rejection of me in my eyes must mean I am worthless. My self esteem is low anyway but bound up with me loving someone who doesn't love me at all.

If it isn't going to be too identifying what do you do and what does he do, as jobs? How do you differ from the woman he is in love with? Was there a time when you thought or were led to believe "maybe.." with him? What changed after that?

Can you accept his decision and take some time not thinking about men or relationships - if you have dc focus on them for a bit, get a project, do up a house, focus on your friends, that sort of thing - let time help you come to terms with things and realise what happened? That would take will power on your part but would seem to be the healthiest choice right now?

I'm not sure why its relevant what we do? Why are you asking?

He and I do basicaly the same thing and are at the top with no where further to go. He earns more than me though because he has been doing it longer and because of differences in what we work on. It would be like he is a Professsor and Consultant in plastic surgery (very high paying privately) and I am a Professor and Consultant in general surgery (less high paying). Short of being appointed the Chief Medical Officer or Surgeon general, we are really at the top. Or like both the CEO's of Fortune 500 companies but his company is bigger and more high profile than mine.

I don't really know the woman he is with but the biggest difference between me and the woman he fell for is that she is incredibly wealthy. She doesn't work because she doesn't need to. She used to run a hedge fund but retired if that's the right word with squillizions of dollars. She has a couple of businesses she dabbles in but its just for fun and profit rather than to live.

I get the impression they have a different dynamic than we do. I think he cares more about being with her so she gets to run the show in their relationship probably because she has all the money. My dynamic with him was I definitely cared more and worshipped him so he was the one who cared less.

Can you accept his decision and take some time not thinking about men or relationships

This is part of my problem because it never was a decision by him. We were never really in a proper relationship it was a FWB situation that was very on off. He never chose me and then decided to be with someone else. He only ever chose someone else.

He didn't like me enough to give any relationship a chance. This is my issue because I've always loved him in quite a pure and sweet way. I don't think he really is perfect and can see his faults but I love him and accept that as being part of him. I'm caring and kind and I'm sad I never got to love him or care for him because my love was unwanted.

It's the pain of unrequited love.

let time help you come to terms with things and realise what happened?

I wish. I felt like this for years. That's why I posted because I was wondering if there is a way to shift this into a proper friendship. It doesn't seem like my feelings of love for him are going anywhere. I've tried dating as as I said but it is very unpleasant and unfair to be kissing someone and wishing with your whole heart you were kissing another person.

It's not going anywhere .

He sees you as sex not even as a friend !

Go no contact and get a life . I am guessing you are a bit older ? Is this how you want the rest of your life to be ? A nothing because of your feelings for this man ? No children ?

He SAW you as sex

You are completely wasting your time and your life.
You cannot make someone want to be with you.
You can never be genuine friends and for your own sanity the only way to cure yourself is to Cut.Him.Off.

OP you've said that you have tried to go no contact but that you keep running into him due to work. How long did you manage to go NC and did you notice your feelings reducing during that time?

You can't be friends with him because every time you see him it's going to awaken old feelings … I know I've been there. So you might need to take drastic action to avoid contact with him such as not attending events that you know he'll be at or leaving early if you end up in the same place. In my experience NC is the only way to loose the unwanted feelings.

@qwerty555

The longest I've had no contact with him at all was about one and a half years. it was two years not seeing him but he emailed and called me at the end of the period.

Yes I know that when I'm not seeing him after the first couple of months my feelings settle and I feel better. I'm still not OK because it is still a block on me dating others because as I just compare him to other people. I do feel less bad about myself and less upset though. Trouble is when I do see him it starts all over again.

OP, if you are doing something that makes you feel bad and you're getting nothing healthy out of it, stop. If it takes 5 years for your interest in him to die down, it takes 5 years. Or 10. Or 20. But the sooner you stop poking the wound by seeing him, the sooner the withdrawal starts. You are responsible for starting the withdrawal period, sticking to it, and for any wound-poking.

Look after yourself. That's what this is about. None of the options are the one you want, but choose the one with the least pain for you. Then deal with the pain you do end up with.

OP you are torturing yourself. Nobody is doing this to you, it’s your own thoughts and behaviour that are hurting you.
This man doesn’t care about you. He’s not your friend or even your ex. To him you are some woman he’s shagged a few times and can still have a conversation with. That is all.
This obsession with him is not healthy. You’ve idolised him in your mind. It’s an untrue picture and not real.
I’m not going to demonise him but he probably knows you want more. There isn’t a lot he can do about that. I’m guessing if you go no contact with him he’ll barely notice. He’s got a partner. You can’t compare yourself to her, what would be the point. He wants to be with her, that’s his business.
I think you need to block him and stay away from him. You can’t see the wood from the trees. He’s not into you and he’s unavailable.
You need to work on being that fabulous person that Eekhart said. While he’s occupying your thoughts you won’t do it, as you’ll be doing it to prove something to him that he won’t ever see. Take a deep breath and cut him off. Don’t date, be yourself. You will get over this

If he cornered you at the end of a building when you were trying to avoid him, he knows exactly what he was doing. He's not being kind to you, is he?

I unfortunately have a close link to how I feel about myself and how this man feels about me. His rejection of me in my eyes must mean I am worthless

No, in the end it's still about you feeling worthless. if you really dig deep enough, it's about your feelings about yourself.

You might not be able to avoid him completely but you need to work on yourself in order to be able to cope with seeing him. You don't see the real him at the moment. He's got a kind of magical glamour for you; but you don't see him. His character sounds rather less dazzling than his personality.

Di you think he's looking for a wealthy/wealthier than him partner?

Some people are; some people are all about wealth and status and if she's higher status than you (even though objectively you are high status) and he knows he can get her or someone like her, maybe that's why he's not open to a relationship with you.

If so, wouldn't that type of materialism, status seeking and social climbing put you off him or make you feel more stoical about his lack of interest in a serious relationship with you?

*Do

If she's not more attractive than you (though obviously attractiveness physical & personality can be a v subjective thing), then perhaps that's it ... Why feel like shit about he fact that he's looking to marry "up".

That's nothing you can change - and even if you could, would you want someone who wants you because you have more money than them. Quite mercenary and makes you wonder if he's be faithful.

*he'd

Even if that isn't it - you really shouldn't be letting your self esteem be so dependant on a man's acceptance or rejection of you for a serious relationship. People aren't interested in us (for a relationship) for a whole combination of reasons; it doesn't mean that someone else (equally or even more of an attractive package) won't be.

I'm married to someone who is actually better looking and more successful than many men I've been rejected by, weird but there it is.
Timing, circumstances, physical type, mental/personality type, chemistry, priorities; all sorts of things come into the alchemy that makes people get into a serious relationship with someone.

Just because this guy hasn't wanted to (and it sounds like one of his reasons might be material/status priorities) get into a serious relationship with you ... Doesn't mean anything much, doesn't mean you can't meet someone you are into and suited to. In fact the longer you stay hung up in, flaggellatinv yourself over this guy, the more time and opportunity yours wasting to meet someone.

If you'd like to be fitted and maybe Lise some weight, why don't you do a hobby or activity od experience like hiking, sailing, climbing, triathlon, whatever ... That may also give opportunities to meet people.

*fitter

*lose

I keep getting an image of Kate Winslet and Rufus Sewell"s characters in that crappy rom com "the holiday" here for some reason .

@Sandals19

I keep getting an image of Kate Winslet and Rufus Sewell"s characters in that crappy rom com "the holiday" here for some reason

Youre not wrong about that. Every time I seen that film the Jasper character reminds me of this guy. The bit where shes says this twisted thing between us.

I want to have my own IT's OVER moment like this from that film

@Aminuts23

This man doesn’t care about you. He’s not your friend or even your ex. To him you are some woman he’s shagged a few times and can still have a conversation with. That is all.

I know.This is what hurts so much.Its why I wish I'd never slept with him so I could really be his friend and be a part of his life someone he did care about really. I on the other hand have the best time when I see him.

You are right that I know he doesn't notice when I'm not in his life. When I stayed out of his way for over a year he wasn't knocking the door down or even sending an email

I asked because I wondered, nothing more!

I get the impression they have a different dynamic than we do. I think he cares more about being with her I think you'll only get a clear perspective on this one once you have accepted his decision and moved on

probably because she has all the money You are pining away wanting to give all your love to someone who cares more about money and NOT love? To me that sounds deeply irrational!

This is part of my problem because it never was a decision by him leaving semantics aside, yes it was a definite decision on his part.

We all go through it, but it is how we respond which makes the difference - you can choose to stay pining for someone and something which may not exist or you can choose to turn your thoughts away, consciously, day after day, until they go, accept there may be a void for a bit, and then allow that void to be filled with healthy choices.

This is my issue because I've always loved him in quite a pure and sweet way as the above, we have all been there - lost something we loved or similar in a way we thought was unfair, unjust - and it is not this happening to you which makes you what you are, more how you choose to deal with it.

It's the pain of unrequited love this reminds me of romantic 16th c paintings "my faith procures my pain" or "i love the rose so will put up with the thorns". I think you have a choice here - stay with the thorns and love or consciously wean yourself off.

That's why I posted because I was wondering if there is a way to shift this into a proper friendship You won't be able to until you have moved on romantically. The process of weaning off is hard because your brain is finding new pathways without him in it - like learning a new skill. I have to warn you that you might find he isn't fussed about the friendship either - may or may not be - some people just aren't interested in us, doesn't matter what we do, how great we are, and it is best to avoid them and to find new people where the interest is reciprocated.

Sorry that was long.

I asked because I wondered, nothing more!

Thanks for treating irrelevant aspects of my personal life as a factor for your idle curiosity when I was asking for advice. That's nice and kind of you. It's not like I'm worried about being identified as being a love sick fool or anything.