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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner insults me

52 replies

janettt · 21/11/2019 19:50

I am in desperate need of advice. I've been together wyth my partner A. for almost 4 years (no kids, no marriage, 3 pets). He was kind and loving at the beginning but since a long time he isn't now. Things got worse when he lost his job last year and was unemployed for 9 months. He has a new job now that pays well and is in his area of expertise.

He regularly insults me and it's not a joke or a backhanded comment. He literally says 'you're a fucking idiot, go fuck yourself, you're stupid, you're crazy, you're a moron, you'll never change, you're no good, you're a fucking freak'

He used to say he loves me (rarely but he did) now he never says it and if I say it he doesn't say it back. For the past couple months we either argue or not talk at all. He always screams at me, he avoids physical contact, he is often angry at me for no apparent reason and blames me for things that entirely do not depend on me.

When he wants to he can be really sweet and caring, inside I know he is a good person and wants to be loved. But he is so dissapointed in me that he lashes out for everything. I am certain he doesn't even like me. When I threaten to leave he says 'I don't care' or 'There's the door, go live with your idiot brother' and insults me and my family every chance he gets.

I don't know what to do. The past few days have been especially difficult since he got angry with me for not handling a work situation properly (that has little to do with him) and he has bene avoiding me and speaking only if spoken to, mostly one word answers or telling me to leave him alone. I am so hurt and desperate, I've been browsing housing options online and thinking if I should move out.

I love him deeply and we had wonderful time together, he made me a better person, showed me so many things and did lots of things for me. But the past year has been horrible, we've argued countless times and can't find our way back to each other.

I'm feeling this is the end and I don't know what to do. I am almost sure he no longer loves me or cares about me. He doesn't even care enough to talk and separate in a civilized manner. It's like he's just waiting for me to get really angry and hurt and back my bags so he can be free.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 21/11/2019 19:53

Only read as far as the second paragraph. If someone genuinely loves you they do not behave as he has done. Me personally would not put up with this and would leave.

Groovinpeanut · 21/11/2019 19:59

This is not the description of somebody who loves you!
He may have been nice when you first met, possibly to lull you into a false sense of security. It now seems he built you up, to then drag you down. You can do so much better than him. If somebody loves you, they cherish, support and respect you. This guy does none of these things. I'd tell him to leave.

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/11/2019 19:59

What's your housing situation? I'd be looking to move out as soon as possible.

Bananalanacake · 21/11/2019 20:00

whose house is it. do you rent. it is easy to leave as you don't have kids together.

Original poster
janettt · 21/11/2019 20:04

We live in his apartment, which he bought after we started dating and I treat it as OUR apartment since I've helped out with renovations etc but legally it's his mortgage, his property

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 21/11/2019 20:12

Jesus... Why are you allowing this? Go. He's despicable.

Techway · 21/11/2019 20:19

Why are you still there?

Often an abusive partner will be lovely at first and when the mask slips you are so confused that you hang on trying to get the good times back. The food times don't come back as this is who they are.

The reasons for his behaviour are complex and you could try strong boundaries such as insisting he doesn't speak to you like that however I would be cautious as this often ramps up behaviour.

Do you have family support? Please know that he is abusing you and you don't deserve this. Do you have access to your own finances?

Afterthestorm · 21/11/2019 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missyB1 · 21/11/2019 20:25

You know you need to leave. Just do it ASAP.

DonnaDarko · 21/11/2019 20:25

You have no ties to him, get out now.

Perunatop · 21/11/2019 20:28

Just end it, he obviously does not care and has no intention of changing.

MrsBertBibby · 21/11/2019 20:28

Get out. Don't ever spend money on a property you don't own again.

Thank your God you aren't pregnant.

Pollaidh · 21/11/2019 20:31

Leave, It sounds like he's moving into emotional abuse. Nice men don't say things like that to their loved ones. Thank goodness you have no ties.

lesleyw1953 · 21/11/2019 20:35

Sorry to say it sounds as if he wants out of the relationship but lacks the guts to say it. So he behaves really badly and hopes you will end it for him. Creep. You deserve better!

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2019 20:36

I love him deeply

Really? If you genuinely think you deeply love a horrible man like this I sincerely hope you get into therapy. Something is critically amiss with your sense of self-worth given that you are still with him and tolerating this abuse. If a man said any of those vile things to me it would be the last time. I would leave.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/11/2019 20:40

He literally says 'you're a fucking idiot, go fuck yourself, you're stupid, you're crazy, you're a moron, you'll never change, you're no good, you're a fucking freak'

this is who he is........

I am almost sure he no longer loves me or cares about me.

read your first statement again.... and again ... and again.... Flowers

Elieza · 21/11/2019 21:23

He doesn’t love you. He’s told you to go. Time to listen and move out. Sorry OP.

You can do better than someone like this. There are plenty people out there who will appreciate you, listen to what you say/want and respect you instead of complaining and putting you down.

What does he bring to this relationship? Nothing now.

The reason you keep “finding your way back to each other” is because you let him treat you like dirt and he can’t find anyone else who will do that for him. So he wants you back as it makes him feel good about himself being able to put you down and shout at you etc. Perhaps he gets sex too which is probably another bonus for him as nobody else is interested in him as he’s not very nice. But after a while even the sex isn’t worth having you around so be slags you off and tells you to go as he doesn’t love you.

Why you put up with that is perhaps because of low self esteem, thinking you can’t get anyone else, thinking that sometimes he’s really really nice and you had good times before that may happen again and you love him so much etc.

Nope. He’s checked out. He doesn’t love you. You deserve better. You will find someone better. Move out ASAP. Stay with family and start looking for a flat.

Good luck OP. I’m a few years time you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him, when you’ve a nice flat and are doing well, as you walk along hand in hand with your nice new bf. who treats you like a queen, which is what you deserve.

KatherineJaneway · 21/11/2019 21:26

I don't know what to do

You walk away. No one who genuinely loved you would treat you how he has been treating you.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/11/2019 21:26

leave this horrible man

Original poster
janettt · 21/11/2019 21:38

I honestly am running out of excuses for him. I am not sure why I am staying, I guess I am hoping for better times and that whatever makes hin behave like that will be resolved and he will be back to being a nice, loving man who bought me presents.

He is absolutely horrible these days, and he refuses to speak to me again. Very mature.

Honestly I am scared of change. I dont speak to my family so I have nowhere to move to, besides renting an apartment, which will be difficult with a pet. This is I guess why I keep putting it off and staying with him.

I have my own job and and separate finances, and a car. I am not helpless nor dependent on him completely. But having no outside support with no friends and family is difficult. He is the only one who supports me morally and with practical stuff like advice, car trouble, living arrangements etc

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 21/11/2019 21:41

He doesnt love you. He doesnt respect you enough to finish it so he's being vile so you leave then to mutual acquaintances he doesnt look like the bad guy. A nice person doesnt do this

Wolfiefan · 21/11/2019 21:44

He doesn’t support you though. He verbally abuses you. You need to get out.

SandyY2K · 21/11/2019 21:57

Sounds like he's having an affair and is being nasty so you leave him.

Then he won't be the one who ended it so to speak.

He insults you and your family...he doesn't like you never mind love you

The relationship is all but over, but his very heavy hints are not achieving the desired results. I.e. you leaving.

Save up a deposit for a rental and move out. Even if you need to get a room in a shared house...do it.

Fear of change is not a reason to tolerate abuse like this.

If you need to save up first..just avoid him.

Go to work, do some outdoor activities, like go to the gym.

The less you see him the better, while you put your plan to leave in action.

The longer you stay with him, the more your self esteem will be eroded and you'll lose any ounce of self respect or confidence you had...plus it will affect your mental health.

Know your worth and don't allow any man (or woman) to treat you like crap.

LemonTT · 21/11/2019 22:45

Sorry this has to be blunt and to the point.

He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t want to even like or tolerate you. This is because the relationship is over for him. He doesn’t have the maturity to tell you that or to allow you time and space to move out and on. But no matter how rude and abusive he is, the message is clear, he wants you to go.

Please find somewhere to move as soon as possible. The longer you stay the worse he will get. He doesn’t see it as a joint home, it is his home.

CoupeCourte · 21/11/2019 23:23

He is deeply abusive and this is never going to get better. He will never go back to how he was at the start. Leave him and learn to love yourself.

I know you said you don't have family or friends to support you - and that is hard - but you might find it easier to make friends if you're not being emotionally battered by this shit of a man on a daily basis. At the very least, be your own best friend and get yourself out of this situation.