My partner insults me

[janettt]

I am in desperate need of advice. I've been together wyth my partner A. for almost 4 years (no kids, no marriage, 3 pets). He was kind and loving at the beginning but since a long time he isn't now. Things got worse when he lost his job last year and was unemployed for 9 months. He has a new job now that pays well and is in his area of expertise.

He regularly insults me and it's not a joke or a backhanded comment. He literally says 'you're a fucking idiot, go fuck yourself, you're stupid, you're crazy, you're a moron, you'll never change, you're no good, you're a fucking freak'

He used to say he loves me (rarely but he did) now he never says it and if I say it he doesn't say it back. For the past couple months we either argue or not talk at all. He always screams at me, he avoids physical contact, he is often angry at me for no apparent reason and blames me for things that entirely do not depend on me.

When he wants to he can be really sweet and caring, inside I know he is a good person and wants to be loved. But he is so dissapointed in me that he lashes out for everything. I am certain he doesn't even like me. When I threaten to leave he says 'I don't care' or 'There's the door, go live with your idiot brother' and insults me and my family every chance he gets.

I don't know what to do. The past few days have been especially difficult since he got angry with me for not handling a work situation properly (that has little to do with him) and he has bene avoiding me and speaking only if spoken to, mostly one word answers or telling me to leave him alone. I am so hurt and desperate, I've been browsing housing options online and thinking if I should move out.

I love him deeply and we had wonderful time together, he made me a better person, showed me so many things and did lots of things for me. But the past year has been horrible, we've argued countless times and can't find our way back to each other.

I'm feeling this is the end and I don't know what to do. I am almost sure he no longer loves me or cares about me. He doesn't even care enough to talk and separate in a civilized manner. It's like he's just waiting for me to get really angry and hurt and back my bags so he can be free.

@janettt

I don't know what to do.

Yes, yes you do know what to do. Pack your bags and get as far away from him as you can and never communicate with him again. You are worth far, far more than this!

This isn’t about him!

This is about you not respecting yourself enough to remove yourself from this toxic situation.

No one is going to rescue you and he isn’t going to revert back to the role of decent human that he temporarily played in the beginning. The ball is and always has been in your court.

You’re being abused and the longer you stay the greater the risk to what is an already a fragile sense of self worth.

How can you possibly love this man deeply? You deserve so much better. Get your ducks in a row and leave him.

You love the man he used to be or the man you want him to be, not the man he actually is. He doesn't respect you and that would be the death knell for me. Get out. You'll be much happier in the long run.

I know people mean well, but I don't think I helps to say how can you love him. Because you do feel you love him, so saying you're wrong to love him makes you feel even more ashamed and powerless.

And this attachment to him is the real issue - this is shay you have to move past, and literally ignore, in order to make your life ok again.

The first thing you need to accept is that you do need to take action.

The next thing is that it won't feel easy, and may even feel like the exact opposite of your instinct to turn to him for comfort and support.

He loves you in the only way he can - with utter disrespect for you, and pretty much hating you. You make him feel a failure. Because it started out good and maybe this time he wasn't going to end up abusing his partner, but he still has. So you've let him down. Because if you were better, he wouldn't be being so horrible to you and he'd feel better about himself.

That's his position. So you can't win. And it may not be his fault he's as he is, but the fact is that he is, and all his relationships have gone and will go this way.

So your need to get out is real.

You won't get back what you've put into his house, so write it off. You just need to fix up buying or renting a separate place, then tell him it's over and go.

You haven't mentioned any physical threatening or actual aggression. With the level of verbal abuse, there's very often some kind of physical reaction for him as well. Has anything like this happened? Has he scared you?

You need to go. And don't look back.

LEAVE NOW. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THIS MAN ANYMORE. HE IS DANGEROUS.
PACK AND STAY WITH A FRIEND. DO IT NOW. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. EVER.
LEAVE.

This is not a loving relationship. He’s not who you thought he was.
Pack your things and leave.

You are not his girlfriend / partner, you are his punchbag.
Leave him and don't look back.

Thank you all for your comments. To answer a question, he hasn't hit me but there are times he has thrown things in my general direction or screamed so loudly that I was really scared.

I'll start looking for a rental apartment for me and my cat (1 of the 3 we care for is mine) and give him an ultimatum, but I doubt there will be any result besides me moving out at the end.

Don’t bother with an ultimatum. It won’t suddenly make him change. Just get out.

You don’t deserve this disgusting treatment, no one does. He doesn’t love you, he’s out to destroy your self worth and self esteem.

I known you’d like him to change and he might for a week or even a month but his behaviour is the true him.

Take your cat and run for the hills.

Just go. Your partner has told you he wants you to go. He's either too lazy to end the relationship properly, or does not want to be the bad guy.

Dont even tell him you're going. Just pack up and go. This relationship is over for him. Remove the narcissistic supply that he is getting from you being around. Be warned he may beg you to go back, but this won't be because he loves you or has changed. Its because having you (someone who perceives as weaker and less popular than himself) around makes him feel better about himself. Its ALL about HIM. He will be this way eventually with any woman he gets into a relationship with and woe betide if she is more successful than him. You're no mug. Just leave, even if you're in a b&b till you get sorted. It wont be for ever. Don't even talk to him about your plans as he's made it very clear he has no interest.

I know he is a good person and wants to be loved
NO - He is NOT a good person.
He is an abuser. He is abusive. He is vile. He is dragging you down. He is making you feel like shit. He is knocking your confidence. He is trying to destroy your self-esteen. He is horrible. He is a CUNT!!!!
Get out.
No ultimatums. Just find somewhere and leave as quickly as you can.
This has already escalated. It will get worse.
It's the most dangerous time when the abuser realises his 'victim' is leaving.
Do NOT tell him.
If you need help with an exit plan then please call Womens Aid.
Shelter can help you with advice on housing.
But..... GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT - FAST!!!!!!!

God this is beyond horrendous.

I am worried that he will attack you if he knows you are leaving. Can you get someone to help you leave? Don't tell him OP, this is the most dangerous time when leaving an abuser... look at the statistics, they are scary...

I have been through verbal abuse, not at this level or of this type, but it left me with a lot of damage that also affected me physiologically - cancer, weight loss, depression, loss of appetite, anaemia. I was a mess for a while and still a work in progress. Sometimes the horrendous way someone treats you does not actually "hit" you until you are away from it. The brain protects you with cognitive dissonance while you are in it.

I think it is pointless and also potentially very dangerous to issue any form of ultimatum. This is who he is.

I remember how my ex once emptied my suitcase onto the floor, twice, when I tried to leave. He did it in a very scary and aggressive way too.

I didn't leave in the end, but I did eventually.

There were many micro aggressions. Most were verbal, jokey criticisms or downright insults, but some WERE physical, in hindsight I realise that, but I used to think he was just being brainless and a bit inconsiderate most of the time. Like if we were in his kitchen, he would walk past me but shove into me, push past me rather than saying excuse me. The bumping into me was definitely deliberate and he would do it quite hard, so that it knocked me off balance. Jokey threats as well if we fell out, as he knew I had done martial arts and could look after myself, but he wanted to scare me and feel more powerful than me, which ultimately he was physically.

I realise now that it was all a drip feed and had I stayed and attempted to take my stuff while he was there, it would no doubt have ended up in some kind of attack. What you are describing, the throwing things, the hideous nasty language he uses towards you, are signs of a very unstable and dangerous man.

Please exercise as much caution as you can in leaving him. Please contact Womens Aid.

Ultimatums don’t change a person’s fundamental character. He is who he is - an abusive arsehole.

Thing with people like him is that they start nice.

Then they get a bit ratty sometimes and you think well he’s had a bad day....

Then he starts shouting and it’s not fun but again you make excuses for him, he’s been under pressure, not well etc

Then he throws things near you and screams and scares you. You again make it somehow sound ok, well he didn’t hit me with the plate he threw he was just trying to show me how angry he was...

What do you think will happen next? Each time it has escalated.

What will happen is that he will either shove you over or he will throw something hard at you and hurt you.

After that he will be dragging you by the hair, screaming in your face and god knows where it will all end.

He will never be the present giving good guy again. You need to have a good think and be brave because moving out really is your best option and you will find a nice flat if you keep looking. Giving him an ultimatum is you trying to make him be nice again. It won’t happen. Ever. Sorry OP. He doesn’t love you any more. You deserve better. You can do this and be ok.

Leave without telling him. He is abusive and when you tell him you are leaving he is losing his emotional punchbag, a way to make himself feel better. It is dangerous. Even after you go the first 3 weeks are the most dangerous to you physical well being.

Find a rental place that will take a pet. Get out without him knowing. Take a day off work and pack everything you can and go.

Do not bother with an ultimatum. He is showing you who he is. Have a look at this but your relationship is far beyond change, this isn't we sometimes have bad times. You have said When I threaten to leave he says 'I don't care and yet you are still there. I imagine you think if I just did X or Y this would all change. But it won't. He feels contempt for you and you deserve so much better. You need to get out.

Hi, I am in a very similar situation to you and I understand how difficult it is to blow your current life into chaos by leaving. There's just so many things to consider. But of course in your gut you know it isn't right. If you need someone to speak to, vent to or to even share back and forth and help each other then I am available to email. Good luck

Oh and I have a little cat too!

He despises you. Leave.

He's abusive. You don't deserve it- leave him. xxx

Get the fuck out of there.
Don't give him any warning, he could kill or seriously hurt you. I am not joking.
For advice and support with planning to leave, call women's aid (there is a national helpline and there should be one local to you, too).

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page=224

He's made his feelings very clear and in a manner that leaves us all wondering why you would still think anything well of him. Please move on.