My partner insults me

[janettt]

I am in desperate need of advice. I've been together wyth my partner A. for almost 4 years (no kids, no marriage, 3 pets). He was kind and loving at the beginning but since a long time he isn't now. Things got worse when he lost his job last year and was unemployed for 9 months. He has a new job now that pays well and is in his area of expertise.

He regularly insults me and it's not a joke or a backhanded comment. He literally says 'you're a fucking idiot, go fuck yourself, you're stupid, you're crazy, you're a moron, you'll never change, you're no good, you're a fucking freak'

He used to say he loves me (rarely but he did) now he never says it and if I say it he doesn't say it back. For the past couple months we either argue or not talk at all. He always screams at me, he avoids physical contact, he is often angry at me for no apparent reason and blames me for things that entirely do not depend on me.

When he wants to he can be really sweet and caring, inside I know he is a good person and wants to be loved. But he is so dissapointed in me that he lashes out for everything. I am certain he doesn't even like me. When I threaten to leave he says 'I don't care' or 'There's the door, go live with your idiot brother' and insults me and my family every chance he gets.

I don't know what to do. The past few days have been especially difficult since he got angry with me for not handling a work situation properly (that has little to do with him) and he has bene avoiding me and speaking only if spoken to, mostly one word answers or telling me to leave him alone. I am so hurt and desperate, I've been browsing housing options online and thinking if I should move out.

I love him deeply and we had wonderful time together, he made me a better person, showed me so many things and did lots of things for me. But the past year has been horrible, we've argued countless times and can't find our way back to each other.

I'm feeling this is the end and I don't know what to do. I am almost sure he no longer loves me or cares about me. He doesn't even care enough to talk and separate in a civilized manner. It's like he's just waiting for me to get really angry and hurt and back my bags so he can be free.

He is brutalizing you with his hate. Get out ASAP.

The relationship is over and he is trying to drive you out rather than having the guts to ask you to move out. You need to leave. He's behaved horribly but the reality is that he has no obligations to you and is entitled to end the relationship (just as you would be if positions were reversed) and the result of that has to be that you move out since it's his flat. But, you know, even if he didn't want to end the relationship, you would have to because he clearly has very abusive tendencies and they would only get worse the longer you stayed together. It sounds like he may have love-bombed you during the first couple of years but now that the initial excitement and shine have worn off the relationship he's turned nasty. That's not right and it's not normal. But it is typical of an abuser.

Once you are out and before you even consider another relationship, please do some serious work to understand why you have ever been willing to tolerate such horribleness and how you can contemplate trying to "find your way back to" someone who has treated you so incredibly badly. You deserve so much more from life than this and you need to raise the bar much higher in terms of the treatment you will accept within a relationship. Most long-term couples get annoyed and argue with each other at times (my DH and I certainly do), but the drip feed of nasty insults and name-calling you describe is deeply disrespectful and unhealthy and has no place in a healthy, loving relationship.

Your statement "... inside I know he is a good person and wants to be loved. But he is so disappointed with me..." is heartbreaking. This is not about your inadequacies. No-one's perfect. He is not a good person, he doesn't deserve to be loved and the only person he should be disappointed with is himself. For some reason, at some stage in your life, you have absorbed the message that you are not worthy of love and respect and you have accepted behaviour which is totally unacceptable. You say 'he made you a better person'. Is that what he's told you? I seriously doubt he made you better - I'm sure you were a terrific person already.

You say you don't speak to your family and you have no friends. That makes you very vulnerable as you will always be too dependent on any partner you have in the future. That will put too much pressure on any romantic relationship you try to have - one person should never be another person's whole world. Perhaps it's the reason why you have not left the toxic situation which you are currently in. It can't have helped that you have felt you have no-one else to turn to.

Not speaking to your family sounds very drastic and I assume there are good reasons for that. But that needn't stop you having friends and, as part of working your way to the happy and fulfilled future which you deserve, you need to work out how to develop some friendships so that you don't have all your relationship eggs in one basket. You mention work - are there work colleagues you could share some social time with? If not, perhaps you could become involved in a team sport and/or a local choir and/or take up some other kind of hobby which would involve you being part of something and give you the opportunity to get to know people in an unforced way.

As others have said, you can and will get clear of this degrading relationship and build a much happier future for yourself.