Not allowing ex partner to stay in my bed?

[FakeTurtle]

Might recognise me from past posts but I don't have many people to talk to.
I ended up leaving with our new baby to stay at my dad's because my ex was violent with me. I came back under the agreement he would stay in the spare room.
He wanted to have the baby overnight I more than agreed but he said he would only do it if he could stay in the bedroom not the spare one.
I don't feel like I should let him do that because we had terms that we agreed to. I brought this up to him and he started ranting (verbally abusive) until almost 4am in the morning. He eventually took baby and him to the spare room but baby was crying a lot and he started shouting saying stuff about me being a slag and a nasty bitch from the spare room. Then he stormed in the bedroom with baby and left him in here going on about how much he hates me.
He's made me feel like I have been completely unreasonable for not letting him be in the bedroom with baby even though the spare room option was completely available (apparently its not safe because the bed is so low down). I don't know what to do anymore, am I being unreasonable so I can put a stop to this unbearable situation?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'd report you to ss if I knew you.

It does sound harsh, yes. I'm genuinely pleased for you that you've presumably never been trapped in the miserable mental & physical fog that is life with an abuser.

It's not a normal state of mind, I don't know how else to explain it.

FakeTurtle, I'm so sorry. It's such an emotional time with a new baby and it can feel so hopeless and desperate but it's not! You found the strength to go to your father in the first place, you need to go back. He CLEARLY has not changed. Be done with this abuser and his excuses. You can do it!

Dutch

I know someone who murdered three children, he wasn't the type to hurt his kids either.
Yes, I would report for the sake of the child, tbh I don't know any decent person who wouldn't.
The OP has done it once, and I can sympathise with how hard that was, even though I've never experienced it myself.
I do know plenty others who've lived with and left abusers.

You really need to get back to your dads with your baby, for both your sakes. You say he would never hurt your child, but you can't know that. Call your dad and don't tell your ex. And if he's violent I would be fighting unsupervised access aswell if he takes you to court

I would also contact social care without hesitation.
Hopefully the additional agency support would enable the mother to make the choice to take her baby to leave safely.
The most important and vulnerable person in this situation however is the baby and they are completely unable to protect themselves.
They are in a very unsafe situation.

@FakeTurtle-I'm afraid, if the social services already know what you've told us, I'm afraid they are putting both you and baby at major risk.
Clearly, your partner's emotional and mental history is a recipe for disaster, already. You might be feeling sorry for him so you give in to his manipulations.
I agree with the mum who warns that you might loose your child to social services as they might deem you incapable of prioritising the baby's safety and well-being over yours and the dad's.
You need to put sentiments aside, be strong and leave while it is still safe to do so. You have the link to Women's aid, social services and family. You can encourage the social service to get him help while yourself and baby are at a safe place. You can not be his therapist, more like his victim. Sorry to sound, em...it's in the news all the time, women ending badly in the hands of someone they trusted to care for them.

Hi FakeTurtle,

We're sorry to hear you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our webguides, which we hope may be helpful. Please take a look at our domestic violence support page - here - it lists lots of organisations which could give you some support in real life.

One such organisation is Women's Aid. Here's a link to the Women's Aid webpage - and here's their page entitled Am I in an abusive relationship?

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters on your thread already, but we think it would be helpful to move it over to our Relationships topic so we're going to do that shortly.

Sending good wishes from all at MNHQ

You take the baby and leave...for good.

Stop putting yourself and your baby at risk.
Get out. Get back to your dads.
Never ever agree to go back to him.
His is abusive in every way possible.
Stop putting yourself through this.
YOU cannot save him!
Stop trying!!!!!

He ‘just’ grabs your face .... my lovely you are minimising what he is doing / has done to you.
You and your baby need to be somewhere safe.
It doesn’t matter if your OH has mental health issues, it’s sad of course but he ends to sort these out away from you. You are not responsible for him.
The suicide threats are sadly all too common on threads like this but are seldom enacted on. Again, you are not responsible for what he does or doesn’t do. He is an adult and is responsible for his own decisions.
I do hope you will listen to what everyone is telling you here. Go back to your dad’s, be safe x

If you met him for the first time today and saw how he behaved, would you be interested in even just chatting for 5 minutes? Don't make excuses for him, it's very clear he is a danger to you and your baby.

OP, I read your original thread where you said you were referred to a safeguarding team at the hospital and then that you spoke to your health visitor about his behaviour. Your health visitor, your dad and Womens' Aid can all healp you (and want to help you) but you really need to find your courage and step up to protect your baby.

Your partner was already making you ill with anxiety before you left the hospital. You have acceded to nearly every demand and he is still threatening you. top minimising or excusing his behaviour. Mental health issues or having a difficult childhood are NOT reasons to abuse your partner.

Please, for your own safety and for your baby's safety, you need to get out.

*help
*STOP minimising his behaviour

There is not a single thing that man can do that would be your fault. Every decision is his own and his responsibility alone.
You need to leave and never ever go back.

Go to your Dad's again if you can tonight and don't go back. Can you call 101 or women's aid? You need to leave him

You are in an abusive relationship and abusers don't change. You can see for a fact that your partner's behaviour is worse, not better.

It's very common for abusers to threaten suicide as it's a way of keeping you under control. You left and went to your dad's and he's still alive so fact two is that he's not going to do it if you leave again. He won't. If he threatens then call 999.

You are not safe with this man. He is violent and abusive and he is not going to change. It also seems as though he's not allowing you to leave the property without his permission. Do you see how wrong that is?

This man is very dangerous and you and your baby are not safe with him. Your baby is not safe with this man and you need to do everthing you can to get her away from him as he could harm your baby. I know you don't think he's capable of that but I'm sure, when you first met him, that you didn't think he was capable of hurting you.

You need to contact your dad and ask him to come and get you. You need to do this as soon as it's safely possible. Please don't tell your partner that you have a plan to leave.

If you can, please get everything together in a bag and hide it while you wait for your dad. Things to include:

Some form of identification
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse – e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

If you can't get these things together, just do what you can and hide it from your partner.

I don't want to bombard you with information and advice as I understand how confused and frightened you are. Please make that call and get away from him.

Once you're away, post back on MN for advice and support.

You're strong and capable and you have to protect your baby so please get away.

Drabarni my god, no wonder women feel like they have to keep their mouths shut if 'any decent person' would call SS on them. The threat of losing your kids doesn't necessarily break down the abused mindset. After a while you become numb to any more threats.

Did you call SS on all those other people you know who have left abusers, or did they not tell you about it until much later?

I'm not saying that SS can't be helpful, I'm saying that if SS rocks up at an abused woman's door it's not going to go well for her later when no-one else is there to see what's happening.

@Dutch1e
OP obviously needs support and ideally her baby will be with her as she gets this.
But the priority really should be the baby. It isn't about making threats but making sure that this baby isn't at risk of serious harm, which it is at present.
If social services don't rock up at the door of an abuser then the children at that house are at risk, they are at risk that the harm that they are being subjected to goes on unchecked.
OP has very difficult choices to make, her baby cannot make any choices to protect itself.

@FakeTurtle are you at your dad's now? Please speak to us.

@FakeTurtle - hiya, how is it going?
Have you spoken/texted with your dad now?
Are you OK?

I know you are already managing a lot today, & some of us vipers have been pretty, erm - robust about your ex. That's a lot to take in - but several posters have given you sound advice & want you to be safe. I hope you & baby are with dad & able to relax tonight, & start reaching out to agencies like Womens Aid & The Freedom Programme tomorrow.

This is breaking my heart. I hope you and baby are now safe. It is your right to be safe and not live in fear. What ever you do- and however hard you think it will be- it is better than the situation you are in right now.

Duch1e

Fair call, deserved deletion, sorry OP.
I did forget the empathy, no excuse.
I do have a heart and get so angry that men do this, very ill advised post and my sincerest apologies to OP.
I hope you are safe

My dad picked me up when he finished work so me and baby are at my dad's so that's sorted for now. Just got to get ready for endless guilt tripping from my ex.

Excellent news Fake Turtle!

You don't have to put up with guilt tripping from ex.
Please have a look at The Freedom Programme & talk to Women's Aid.
These organisations will give you the advice, support & help you need to completely disentangle yourself from this awful abusive relationship with ex.

In the meantime, you don't have to meet him, talk to him, or message him. If he contacts you, you don't need to respond. Any communication can be handled via your dad for now.

Please, please, do not forget that he would not allow you to leave the flat with your baby today. If you read about that happening to someone else, how horrifed would you be? You could also speak to your existing SS contacts to get help about handling ex & any demands he will be making on you. They know what he is & what he is capable of. Make sure you keep that in mind, & don't fall for his blarney, or manipulation, or any of his tricks.