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Original poster

Not allowing ex partner to stay in my bed?

103 replies

FakeTurtle · 21/11/2019 13:50

Might recognise me from past posts but I don't have many people to talk to.
I ended up leaving with our new baby to stay at my dad's because my ex was violent with me. I came back under the agreement he would stay in the spare room.
He wanted to have the baby overnight I more than agreed but he said he would only do it if he could stay in the bedroom not the spare one.
I don't feel like I should let him do that because we had terms that we agreed to. I brought this up to him and he started ranting (verbally abusive) until almost 4am in the morning. He eventually took baby and him to the spare room but baby was crying a lot and he started shouting saying stuff about me being a slag and a nasty bitch from the spare room. Then he stormed in the bedroom with baby and left him in here going on about how much he hates me.
He's made me feel like I have been completely unreasonable for not letting him be in the bedroom with baby even though the spare room option was completely available (apparently its not safe because the bed is so low down). I don't know what to do anymore, am I being unreasonable so I can put a stop to this unbearable situation?

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 21/11/2019 14:15

Leave OP. Go to your dads and don't see this pathetic excuse of a man again.

BillHadersNewWife · 21/11/2019 14:17

If he jumps off the docks that's his problem

Shayisgreat · 21/11/2019 14:20

Listen I know that it's scary to admit that your relationship is abusive and that you are in a very vulnerable position at the moment. I know the thought of leaving feels unmanageable at the moment and that trying to untangle your thoughts and feelings from his manipulation of you is going to be a big job.

If you can and when it's safe call this helpline 0808 2000 247 and they can talk you through options and, most importantly, how to keep yourself and baby safe.

You obviously already realise this isn't ok as you've left already. It didn't work out but you must try again until it does. This situation will not get better particularly if he ia blaming you for his behaviour. Yiu are not responsible for the choices HE makes. You are only responsible for your actions. Your actions will not 'make' him do anything - he will choose his own course of action. I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment but that is his manipulation of you and the help you seek will help you see that.

Please accept the help on offer.

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 14:20

I can try and go to my dad's tonight when my dad finishes work because he will need to be there because there is no way I could leave by myself with baby.
Please, please do this OP. Text your dad right now telling him you need his help & protection. Use those words. Do not discuss it with ex. Get out tonight, & never go back.

The last time I left with baby he said he went down to the docks and was going to jump, whose to say that won't happen again?
I am.
He won't do it, it's just a threat to control you, & it is a script from The Classic Abusers Handbook.
And even if he did - so what? How is that YOUR responsibility?

You need this terrible man out of your life for good.
As soon as you are safe again with dad, get on to Women's Aid & the Freedom Programme. I am concerned that you do not seem to realise yet how badly you are being abused. That is not to blame you in any way - it is very normal for victims of abuse to minimise & normalise what they have suffered. But you need to understand it better, to keep you from ever associating with men like your ex again.

Shayisgreat · 21/11/2019 14:21

And if you are in immediate danger call 999.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/11/2019 14:22

You really do need to leave - today. This is a very dangerous situation for you and your baby.

Can you text your dad and ask him to come to collect you?

Does your dad know what's really going on? Tell him everything, don't try to protect your partner. Imagine your baby grown up and telling you this...

Your partner may threaten to harm himself. That's pretty common, you know? They say it to scare you, to make you feel responsible, and because you're a nice responsible person you believe him and so he gets to control you. Here's the thing - if he hurts himself, that's entirely down to him.

The only people you need to worry about are you and your baby.

Dutch1e · 21/11/2019 14:22

I can't stay at my dad's because he won't let me take baby out of this flat by myself.

Not legal.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2019 14:23

it was just grabbing me by the face, holding me down to the bed while shouting

Just? JUST!?!?!

Why the fuck are you letting this man ANYWHERE near you and your baby?

Go back to your Dad's today. Immediately. Get yourselves safe. And please look into the Freedom Programme and Women's Aid.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 21/11/2019 14:23

Hi OP

He 'just' pushed you down on the bed etc? He is keeping you prisoner in your own home?

As others have said, this is very very dangerous for you and the baby. He is hurting the baby - yelling til 4am is not good for he baby. If you stay, the baby will grow up and get into relationships with lots of yelling and violence.

If you're tapped can you text your dad and ask him to come round at x time with a friend and help you pack and move. You need to keep yourself and the baby away from this man.

And his actions are not your fault or responsibility. You are not in charge of security or a psychiatric nurse in a secure unit. If he goes down to the docks that is 100pc on him. You cant let someone abuse you just because you're worried they might hurt themselves if you get them to stop.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 21/11/2019 14:23

Goodness girl, get out!

He is violent and abuse

He will hurt the baby, when he feels that is more effective than hurting you directly Sad

Mummyshark2018 · 21/11/2019 14:24

Leave ASAP. Social care are involved and there's been DV. You are at risk of having your baby taken off you- I have seen it happen in similar circumstances. Contact your local women's aid or go back to your dads. Get a restraining order.

lunar1 · 21/11/2019 14:24

If he jumps it isn't your fault, you need to get yourself and child to safety as soon as physically possible.

TriciaH87 · 21/11/2019 14:26

Grab you baby and leave

FusionChefGeoff · 21/11/2019 14:29

You have zero responsibility for this man. Your only responsibility is for yourself and your baby.

Both of whom are in danger whilst you are in the house with him.

He is a horrible, violent, controlling abuser and bully.

You do NOT want that in your baby's life!!

Phone your Dad and get out as soon as you can.

Christmaspug · 21/11/2019 14:36

Get him away from your baby ,before social services get involved and think you can’t keep the baby safe

JorisBonson · 21/11/2019 14:41

@FakeTurtle I've just read through your previous posts. You had a traumatic birth, you have been referred to the safeguarding team and you have an abusive, violent ex partner who is playing you like a fiddle.

Please put yourself and your baby first. As a PP said, the longer you let this go on for, you could be more at risk of losing your child.

Royallyscrewed · 21/11/2019 14:43

Take your baby and leave him. If social services investigate and you’re still there they will class your child as being at risk and you as failing to protect him.

If you do nothing else call the police and get them to escort you to your dads and log his behaviour so there’s an official record.

Please please leave him.

dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 14:45

@Christmaspug social care are involved already.

OP ask for help. Social care will support you as long as they see you are protecting your baby. Currently you are not, you are putting your baby at risk.

It is very hard and very unfair that you have to be the person that changes your behavior. But that is the reality.

You need to leave with your baby. With support from women's aid and other agencies is needed.

If your partner attempts self harm there are healthcare systems in place to support him.
The current situation isn't working for anyone and if social care becomes aware of exactly what is happening they will expect it too change.

Dustarr73 · 21/11/2019 14:48

Ring the police now,tell them everything and go to your dads.Please before he hurts you or the baby more.

dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 14:51

Speaking as an ex child protection social worker you need to understand that keeping your very vulnerable baby safe will be social cares priority.
They will expect it to be yours as well.
Placating your violent partner and trying to support his mental health needs will not be considered good reasons to allow the current situation to continue.
Your baby is at risk at the moment.
You need to leave with your baby.
You need to contact whatever agency you think can best help you do this.

Jaxhog · 21/11/2019 15:08

No!! Go to your Dad's. The suicide threats are a form of controlling you. Let him go - that's his choice. But he won't do it.

Merryoldgoat · 21/11/2019 15:16

What does this mean? Your dad won't let you or your ex won't let you go?

I can't stay at my dad's because he won't let me take baby out of this flat by myself.

The last time I left with baby he said he went down to the docks and was going to jump, whose to say that won't happen again?

So let him - this is a classic manipulation technique and he is very unlikey to do it and, if he DID it wouldn't be your fault.

He is a violent bully and there is no way he'd be having contact me with or his child.

Motoko · 21/11/2019 15:42

I'm sure a lot of the mothers of children who have been abused by their fathers, also thought the father wouldn't harm their child. In fact, I know a woman who thought that about her ex, until he killed their child.

All the while you are in the same house as your ex, your child IS at risk, and with SS involved, if you stay, they WILL take your child away.

So, text your dad, and ask him to come round ASAP and leave. DO NOT GO BACK, WHATEVER YOUR EX PROMISES! He is dangerous.

Motoko · 21/11/2019 15:43

Oh, and this is VERY IMPORTANT.

DO NOT TELL EX YOU'RE LEAVING.

Wherecanwegetoff123 · 21/11/2019 15:48

Let him jump.
Go to your dad's
Social are involved. If you want to keep your baby you need to leave. Don't say he won't hurt the baby because he could. He might be scaring you now. But I would be a lot more scared about the outcome for my baby in all of this