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Original poster

starting to resent partner over finance struggles

97 replies

Ace15 · 21/11/2019 09:46

Hi I am looking for some advice on my current situation. I am a single parent to a son who doesn't see his father nor do I receive child support from him for my son. I have been with my current partner for two years who lives in my mortgaged house with me and my son. My partner and I both work full time jobs. I am struggling financially falling behind on bills etc and after many discussions my partner agreed to pay me 200 pounds dig money towards bills which does not even cover half of utilities never mind mortgage. He believes that because the mortgage is in my name he shouldn't pay towards it. He moved into my house on the same day I did and I was responsible for all decorations and furnishings on my own as it (isn't his house). I am responsible for paying my sons childcare and clothing etc on top of the majority of the bills and I feel I am starting to resent my partner for watching me struggle so much. When we are out for lunch or dinner or day trips he still expects me to pay half of the meal or petrol etc also.
I try to put the situation to the back of my mind and try to survive as though I am still a single mum even tho I am not. The issue seems to come back to light regularly and it is making me resent my partner and I was just looking for some advice am I wrong to think he should support me more financially? Even if he does not want to pay towards the mortgage should he be supporting me with my sons clothes childcare etc as he has chosen to take him on as his own?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 21/11/2019 11:09

He doesn't get to live rent free because he's not on the mortgage!

Do his tenants live rent free because they're not on his mortgage?

Don't be taken for a mug OP.

pickletickled · 21/11/2019 11:10

If his flat is 2 bed suggest you all move into it and sell your house then he can pay all the bills and you can live for free like he has been
YES to this!
I bet he'd have everything shared then.
If he hasn't already realised that he's being an unfair greedy arsehole then he's not really likely to now OP.
Most definitely a cocklodger who is using you like his mummy.
I could not find that attractive tbh.

Divebar · 21/11/2019 11:11

He’s either a complete skinflint or he’s cruel.... which would you rather have? I don’t think I know a single man who wouldn’t be completely ashamed to be financially supported by a single mum. This isn’t normal OP, not remotely.

Mixingitall · 21/11/2019 11:12

As a long term partner who genuinely cares about you, he should want to look after you and your son. Therefore treat your son as his own.

He is massively disrespecting you, he’s using you.

Wildorchidz · 21/11/2019 11:13

Am waiting for the op to say she’s pregnant.

Dacquoise · 21/11/2019 11:13

So the mortgage on his flat is being repaid by his tenants plus a little left over and he hopes to achieve this by living with you paying you the minimum he can get away with which gives him the majority of his salary to do what he wants with? You on the other hand are paying off your mortgage, most of the bills and subsiding him which leaves you with a minus figure. How is this fair or even equal?

What would happen if he moved back to his flat and the associated costs and you live on your own or get a paying lodger? Essentially you would be in the same position or possibly better off, either less council tax and potential benefit claim or someone contributing to your expenses and you not resenting them for living off you?

Perhaps this is the test that is needed to see how serious he is about his commitment to you? If it fails, at the moment, he is quids in. His mortgage is a bit smaller. You, on the other hand, are starting to go under financially.

He seems to have a very childish attitude about this. Like you owe him a break. Being 'nice' in other ways doesn't make up for the financial abuse and it is abuse because he's exploiting your kindness.

I would be very wary as what you have now is likely to continue in the future whether you end up married or not. You don't have to get rid of him but stronger boundaries definitely required for your own sanity and self-esteem.

T1meT0F0rget · 21/11/2019 11:16

Can I come & live with you & only pay £200 per month, it is a real bargain !

You are PAYING to have a man live in your property

He is taking away money from you & your son

Dacquoise · 21/11/2019 11:18

Also the arguments he causes every time you raise the issue is a very effective method to get away with it isn't it? Nearly two years free accommodation and bills. Perhaps write down what you are trying to get across and let him 'think' about it. And mean it. No consequences no change.

nocluewhattodoo · 21/11/2019 11:32

He is absolutely disgusting, he is using you and is happy to see you and your child struggle so he can build up his own assets. There is no question that he is doing this deliberately and it's not just being tight - he is utter scum. Get him out of your life asap, it's not as if you'll be financially worse off, worth checking what you'd be entitled to in terms of UC or help with childcare when he is gone, I imagine you'll be better off.

user1479305498 · 21/11/2019 11:43

If he buys all his own food (which is odd) I think he should be paying you around £450 a month towards utilities and any loss of benefits. I think muddying it with ‘rent’ isn’t a good idea. The thing is he essentially has no rights and you could kick him out tommorrow , so it’s very different to a house share or tenancy etc. If he earns same as you then that’s easily doable . If he didn’t buy food I think he should be paying you £600

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2019 11:48

I find these threads fascinating due to th double standards.

When a woman moves into a mans house, the overwhelming response is do not contribute to a house that is not yours unless you're on the deeds. Every time.

When a woman posts it's always why is the cheeky fucker living rent free. He's a cock lodger.

For me the latter answer is always correct, irrelevant of gender. If you live there and are earning you should contribute like you're renting. You should not expect to live for free.

If he will not pay at least a third of the costs of living there, then end this. He's using you.

Herocomplex · 21/11/2019 11:55

I’ve just re-read your OP and the question you are asking is ‘should he be supporting me financially?’

As far as I can see he’s not even supporting himself, you’re supporting him. What’s your goal with him? I can’t see that you can trust him. Would he look after you if you were ill? Is he kind to you, do nice things? Does he treat you on special occasions? Is he thoughtful? Does he clean up, or fix things?

MerryDeath · 21/11/2019 11:59

so he's living rent free with a verging on peppercorn contribution to variable costs? you are out of your mind OP. if he's worth keeping around he needs to pay rent. ask yourself what would he being doing if he lived literally anywhere else? exactly!

Brown76 · 21/11/2019 12:01

I think he should have been paying half the bills since the beginning, but how much are the bills? Mine are just under £400 a month excluding food, travel, mortgage and childcare. How did you plan to afford the house in the first place, and how will it be affordable even if your partner weren't there?

EKGEMS · 21/11/2019 12:02

He's using you and taking advantage of you financially. He's a real loser

Timetobegood · 21/11/2019 12:04

He’s not daft is he? He obviously had the same set up with his mother.

When he says he can’t afford it, what does he say when you point out you are on the same salary and he has a rental income too?

HollowTalk · 21/11/2019 12:08

I wouldn't be interested in any man who thought he could live off a woman like that. He's done it to his mum and now he's doing it to you.

Tell him to get out.

Tighnabruaich · 21/11/2019 12:15

You are being taken for a mug, OP.
I wouldn't bother bringing it up again, he obviously is either a tightwad or stupid to think he can live at someone else's expense, while he rents out his flat and gets a nice income.
Just tell him the relationship has run its course and he has to move out.

whatsinthebagwhatcoulditbe · 21/11/2019 12:18

Oh my god. This is outrageous CFery. Kick him out pronto. You are effectively paying off his mortgage for him. What a tight bastard!

BlackSwanGreen · 21/11/2019 12:20

Totally agree with suggesting that you move into his flat, don't pay him any rent but just a small portion of the bills, and make some money by renting your place out. See what he says to that!

Clymene · 21/11/2019 12:22

Good god, this man is awful. He really saw you coming. Kick him out. You'd be much better off

NabooThatsWho · 21/11/2019 12:24

You say he’s a good partner because he stays in all the time and doesn’t spend money on himself.
He’s not a good partner, he’s a skin-flint who is happy to live off you. Yuck.
A good partner would want to help you instead of arguing with you when you quite rightly try to sort the situation out.

dontalltalkatonce · 21/11/2019 12:31

You've fallen for the 7/10. In other words, your past partner was a 10/10 twat, so when you meet a 7/10 twat, you think it's okay. It's not.

He is not respectful at all. He is a skinflint who is costing you money! Do you realise that? You are paying to have a boyfriend. Money you could be spending on your kid.

BULLSHIT he doesn't have money to 'give' you. He has the same salary as you, rental income and lives for free and now practically free.

There is no point discussing or chatting or a sit down for a word because this guy turns it into a 'argument' to shut you up so he can keep mooching.

Wake up! Put yourself and your kid first over live-in relationships and tell him he needs to go (of course he used to live with Mum, that's how he rolls, he can go mooch off her), immediately, STOP bloody dating until you do the Freedom Programme and work on your self-esteem because right now you are a sitting duck for pisstakers like this.

Treacletoots · 21/11/2019 12:59

Oh OP. Raise your bar. This man is a selfish arsehole who only cares about himself and his needs and wants

Cocklodger or financially abusive wanker, you can call it what you want but it is NOT OK and you don't have to tolerate it.

If he's living with you, give him a lodger agreement, which will detail what is expected of him as well as how much he pays you for the privilege of providing a roof over his head.

He sounds just like my exH. He didn't think he should contribute to the bills when he moved in because, 'I was already paying them' fast forward to him inheriting 20k and saying he didn't need to share it because him spending it all on what he wanted was best for all of us.

Call me a gold digger but that was the final straw. On the other hand you have a carbon copy of this wanker, it wont get better, you deserve better and you could be a lot better off renting the spare room out to an actual paying lodger, just saying.

Ilovethekitties · 21/11/2019 13:02

He is using you! He is sitting by and watching you and your child struggle, that isn't the makings of a good partner or a good person.

Come on OP, open your eyes!

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