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Original poster

Does this sound like a 'sexless marriage' to you?

63 replies

Echobelly · 21/11/2019 07:44

DH used the phrase once in a frustrated outburst a few years ago and hasn't mentioned it since, but I suspect he still feels that way.

I wouldn't say we were exactly sex atheletes, but I would say we have it at least 4 times a month - it's not quite every week (sometimes it might be Monday one week and Sunday the week after) and now and then there might be a fortnight or so without, but usually only if one of us is very tired/stressed /ill. Sometimes gasp it even happens twice in a week. And it's been pretty much that way for a long time, even when the kids were small (been married 12 years).

Other than late pregnancy and after childbirth we have never gone months without having sex and I seem to know plenty of women who have done, even when there were no particular health/stress/marriage problems.

I suspect we have different perceptions - I wouldn't be surprised if asked that he would say we only do it once or twice a month, but I do have a better sense of time and memory than him, and I'm pretty sure it's nearer 4 times.

I've never been a massive fan of sex, and he know that, but he still seems to think there was a time we were at it like rabbits and that it's now dwindling terribly, but I think we're doing pretty well.

OP posts:
Longfacenow · 21/11/2019 07:49

Have you looked up the definition?

I think regardless of the number he's raising the issue of compatibility and unmet need.

Please don't compare yourself to other couples. It won't help you or him to think about the posters here or are going to say your DH is lucky as they only have sex once a month.

He's unhappy with your sex life. Are you? Is it a quality issue? Do you need an intimacy injection? Is it functional sex?

LolaSmiles · 21/11/2019 08:07

Like longfacecow has said, it's not really about other couples. Some on here will say they're at it like rabbits and others will say they're in a happy marriage having sex on birthdays and anniversaries only.

It sounds like there's a conversation about intimacy needed and for you to both explain how you're feeling as different sex drives can become a compatibility issue.

morriseysquif · 21/11/2019 08:13

We haven't had sex for nine years - that is sexless.

TheBlueStocking · 21/11/2019 08:14

If my only sexual partner said that they were not a fan of sex, I would be quite distressed. It's like saying my only bowling buddy doesn't really like bowling, but will come down the alley with me occasionally to half-heartedly throw some balls. I wouldn't really consider that bowling.

And it's not such a big deal if it's only bowling - but when you're talking about the primary method of intimacy between you and your partner, I'd be seriously reconsidering continuing a relationship with you.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's how I would feel in his position.

category12 · 21/11/2019 08:21

The logical thing to do would seem to be to talk to him.

Don't you enjoy sex? Have you ever had a high sex drive?

Heartburn888 · 21/11/2019 08:22

I’d say sexless is when you do not have sex at all

Original poster
Echobelly · 21/11/2019 09:39

@TheBlueStocking – that is a fair point. When I say he knows, I mean he knows I don’t have much of a drive, I would never say it to him as such as I know it would be hurtful, and it’s honestly not him.

I have had therapy on NHS as an individual in a previous relationship, and with DH later but those were only short term courses… they did provide some help but still couldn’t deal with everything. I’ll get to the important point about why I had those – I’ve never orgasmed. And no, the answer was not to get a rabbit and then I’ll come in 30 seconds, that didn’t work either; got closer than before but can’t seem to make it the whole way. And I don’t think the guys I’ve been with have doing anything wrong or not trying (I’ve never faked it for anyone, BTW).

There’s no obvious reason why this should be so – no sexual abuse/trauma; grew up in a household with a healthy, sensitive, non-shaming attitude to sex and intimacy; very confident about my body/appearance. My only theory, which is a bit wild, is that I had a health condition that required encasing my lower half in plaster for several months when I was a toddler – and that was around the age when little kids first ‘discover’ their genitals, and my theory is that perhaps I missed some window for making some kind of neural connection between my head and my ladyparts, as it always feels like I am a bit disconnected from that part of myself.

I guess I need to go back and explore this further. The trouble with trying to get to the Big O is that I always feel I’m doing it to please him, and not for me, and part of me is a bit scared of it because I am a bit of a control freak.

I don’t know if getting there would solve our problems, though, it’s probably more complicated than that. But then again, maybe it isn’t.

OP posts:
Starlight39 · 21/11/2019 09:52

I read somewhere the official definition (if there can be one!) is less than 10 times a year so it sounds like you're having far far more sex than that!

This book might help. I found it interesting.

I'd definitely try and reach orgasm alone before you try with your DH, there's too much pressure/thought process going on with a partner.

Original poster
Echobelly · 21/11/2019 10:00

Thanks @Starlight39 - I might get that on my kindle.

I must admit, the practising alone stuff I've done very seldom and intermittently and I should probably pick up again but I always felt a bit constrained by doing it alone as I sort of didn't want to tell DH as he might feel rejected or else want to get frisky with me afterwards/join in when I needed to be alone. I suppose I just need to tell him I'm going to do it but I need space, and don't expect miracles

OP posts:
SpamChaudFroid · 21/11/2019 10:17

Or maybe don't tell him you're having a bit of "me time". You don't want to feel like you're under pressure to perform/anxieties about him wanting to join in. Completely counterproductive.

I don't think your DH has communicated this terribly well - if you had a similar sex drive when you met, then why did it take him so many years to have a frustrated outburst? I wonder why this has only begun to bother him enough to say something recently, after years of being happy with the status quo.

SpamChaudFroid · 21/11/2019 10:19

*and maybe the sex toy you have isn't for you. There are better ones out there imo.

Original poster
Echobelly · 21/11/2019 11:12

I don't think he's ever been that happy with the status quo but he also doesn't want to pressurise me, to be fair to him. But that's lead to him being frustrated and it all blows up now and then. When I say 'he hasn't mention it since' I mean the phrase 'sexless marriage', rather than not mentioning issues with our sex life. I just wanted to be clear that he wasn't going on about it like that constantly or anything.

Re: toys, yes I have found things that work better than a rabbit for me but honestly i think it's something in my head rather than in the physical sensation that stops me going all the way.

OP posts:
CFR8 · 21/11/2019 11:12

I think it’s defined as having sex less than 10 times a year although I guess those having sex 8/9 times a year would not describe their relationship as sexless.

Starlight39 · 21/11/2019 11:18

Maybe if you can get some time alone without telling your DH at least for now? I think the alone time is as much to practice the mental side of it - the letting go - as the physical side of things but I'd just not put too much pressure on yourself.

In general though your DH is definitely in the wrong to call it a sexless marriage and put pressure on you and he should raise it in a constructive way if he has an issue.

SpamChaudFroid · 21/11/2019 11:38

Ah sorry, "happy" was a bad choice of word. What I should have said was that it sounds as if your DH was aware right from the start of your relationship that you had a lower drive than him and accepted this. He chose to be in a marriage with you knowing this. Why has he then tried to change you?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/11/2019 11:46

It's not about numbers ,it's about whether the two people involved enjoy it and are happy with the situation. A couple can have sex once a month and be completely fine with the situation-think about all the couples where one person works away for weeks on end and wouldn't describe themselves as in a sexless marriage.

You need to talk to each other and maybe find a way forward with counselling if that doesn't work.

Original poster
Echobelly · 21/11/2019 11:50

To be clear (I should have known better than to lead with it on MN), he’s only mentioned ‘sexless marriage’ once and he only brings up gripes about our sex life once every year or two, so it’s not like he is pressurising me on some regular basis at all.

I don’t actually reject sex all that often, but that’s probably because he’s given up trying it as much. Honestly, once a week or so would be fine for me on the whole and has always felt like that’s what I’m comfortable with, but I would guess he’d like twice as much.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor - yes, I think we need to talk about counselling again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Echobelly · 21/11/2019 11:52

NB, re: accepting my low drive when we married, like I said, he seems to be under the impression we were always at it at some point, but I honestly don't remember it being loads more frequent than now. Because as I said, it's not that I once liked it and I went off it? I dunno, maybe I have 'gone off it' more than I realised.

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 21/11/2019 12:01

Just to give the other side of the coin and being completely objective, it would be completely soul destroying for the one who felt they could never please or satisfy their partner. Do you enjoy the stroking, kissing, pleasing him? Just feeling joined? If so, let him know in a big (loud) way how you love the feeling of him etc, etc. You definitely need some solo time to discover what you like and then show him.

Original poster
Echobelly · 21/11/2019 12:19

Oh yeah, while I don't orgasm I don't just lie there like a dead fish either Wink, and it's the closeness and being joined that I like about it. But I do get it's sad for him not to be able to bring me to orgasm and I know he misses that.

OP posts:
Musti · 21/11/2019 12:22

I think you should work on enjoying sex. Find out what excites you. Have you tried reading literotica?

MakeMineALargeProsecco · 21/11/2019 12:24

Do you initiate, OP?

It can be pretty soul-destroying if you're having to start things off all the time.

TheBlueStocking · 21/11/2019 12:26

I think even of us who can orgasm find trying to produce one on demand spoils it entirely.

My advice would be to try some different things alone, just with the aim of seeing what feels nice. Maybe just some water pressure or pressing against something.

As well, I think the ability to orgasm is something that develops over time. I found it got much easier in my late twenties/early thirties.

forumdonkey · 21/11/2019 12:45

I was going to suggest literotica too. I think for women's arousal is in the mind, whereas men it's visual. I'd try reading some errotica and see if you can find something that warms your cockles 😚

filka · 21/11/2019 13:00

If you feel that there are different perceptions of frequency then perhaps you could keep a diary? You can often do that in a health app on your phone. At least then you would be more sure of the reality around which to base a discussion.

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