Does this sound like a 'sexless marriage' to you?

[Echobelly]

DH used the phrase once in a frustrated outburst a few years ago and hasn't mentioned it since, but I suspect he still feels that way.

I wouldn't say we were exactly sex atheletes, but I would say we have it at least 4 times a month - it's not quite every week (sometimes it might be Monday one week and Sunday the week after) and now and then there might be a fortnight or so without, but usually only if one of us is very tired/stressed /ill. Sometimes gasp it even happens twice in a week. And it's been pretty much that way for a long time, even when the kids were small (been married 12 years).

Other than late pregnancy and after childbirth we have never gone months without having sex and I seem to know plenty of women who have done, even when there were no particular health/stress/marriage problems.

I suspect we have different perceptions - I wouldn't be surprised if asked that he would say we only do it once or twice a month, but I do have a better sense of time and memory than him, and I'm pretty sure it's nearer 4 times.

I've never been a massive fan of sex, and he know that, but he still seems to think there was a time we were at it like rabbits and that it's now dwindling terribly, but I think we're doing pretty well.

Following with interest. My husband has a high sex drive and I dont. He also gets frustrated at being the one to initiate, but i dont because im embarrassed...i dont really know why.

What about you going to a good, private sex therapist. I feel really sorry for you that you’ve never had an orgasm. Forget your DH for a minute as you deserve to experience that! Have you been fully checked out medically?

Thanks for the helpful, non-judgemental and non-partisan advice guys.

@MakeMineALargeProsecco - I do initiate, but very seldom. I did last night (cautiously) as I did actually want to do it and it worked out in the end!

Re fantasizing.... one thing I did realise was that it doesn't work for me, better to just concentrate on the physical sensation in the moment. I'm a pretty imaginative person on the whole but sex never crosses my mind and reading about it or watching it doesn't really do anything for me.

For avoidance of doubt, when we do the deed it's not 5 mins of missionary, then done (in fact we can't even do missionary due to my health issue!) and we engage in some BDSM (tho not as often as DH would like) . Just saying to put things in context and if it might be a prompt to other helpful responses.

I echo what other posters have said. You are obviously making an effort, but if you have no obvious intrinsic desire to initiate or participate that will inevitably come across.

Being with someone who is just going through the motions can be a pernicious and demotivating experience.

We all want to be wanted.

*sex never crosses my mind when I'm not doing it or about to, I meant

Just saw your last post, and want to add that you are very clearly trying, so I would hope your DH acknowledges that at least.

I’d say sexless is when you do not have sex at all

That means someone having sex one every 20 years isn't in a sexless marriage!!

There's a legal definition of a sexless marriage, for divorce courts etc, and from memory it's less than 10 times a year.

No that's not sexless. We are about once or twice a year and I don't consider that sexless

When you say you'd be fine with once a week, do you mean that is how much you want, or that is how much you'd be happy to 'tolerate', for want of a better world? You mention you never really think about sex unless prompted - do you think you might be asexual?

Are you on any medication? A fair few tablets have side effect of being unable to orgasm.

@Hont1986 - I have wondered about sexuality, I must say. I'm generally happy to have sex when I get there but as I said it's not something I anticipate.

@Zombieseverywhere - not on any medication. I was on microgynon years ago and tried stopping for a bit to see if there was any change, but, nope. I have the contraceptive implant now and have for several years but also don't think that's anything to do with it.

You need to learn how to have an orgasm. You are in control when you know how. Once you discover how to do it then you'll start to enjoy it.
Also maybe you need a lot of foreplay. My husband and I used to leave our clothes on and tease each other. We've been together 30 years.
Allow yourself mentally to enjoy your body.

and part of me is a bit scared of it because I am a bit of a control freak
Indeed, this is your problem.
You don't want to 'let go' and 'give in' to it.
Would you consider some sex therapy?
That may help.

part of me is a bit scared of it because I am a bit of a control freak

This is the bit that jumped out at me. You seem to me to be really contained. What is it that you think happens that you are afraid of. ? Is it just the unknown or that you’re going to scream the house down and everyone will know what you’re up to? . It took me well into my 30s to have an orgasm with a partner because I often have a physical response that I didn’t understand at the time ( it never being mentioned in my sex Ed lessons) and it took me ages to realise it was normal and to relax about it. ( men love it !). I think once you start chasing orgasms and go on a mission to get them they become elusive. Playing around and getting frisky.. finding out what feels good is A good idea and maybe a psychosexual therapist who can untangle what’s going on for you.

I dunno what I'm scared of really. It's a bit like I don't want to want an orgasm, like it's beneath me. Weird, I know.

I've considered hypnotherapy for it as it seems so deep-seated and unconscious, and got as far as contacting one once but never heard back. I do worry about that working in terms of maybe the same reason I can't orgasm would make me not very succeptable to hypnotism either!

Nb, DH still really puts the time and effort in with the foreplay, bless him, despite the general fruitlessness.

For me it would be a sexless marriage. I was thoroughly miserable when my husband and I were having sex only once a week. About three times a week keeps me happy, though I’d love more.
If I had to wait two weeks I’d be clawing the walls.
Everyone is different though. If your husand has expressed frustration, he at least deserves to be listened to.

Thanks for the alternative perspective @DBML

One thing I’m certainly thinking after this post is that I should thank DH for persevering, frankly. He could have given up on me completely, he could have gone off looking for sex elsewhere. A few years ago he confessed to me that in a moment of frustration he had signed up to a well-known infidelity site, but he hadn’t followed that up and nothing had come of it. And I believe him, not least because I remember hearing that it turned out that there were practically no real women on there, just ones made up by the site management

I think it would be a good idea to talk to a sex therapist, individually or as a couple.

If I had to wait two weeks I’d be clawing the walls.

Ok, I’m intrigued. Why? What sort of clawing the walls is this about.. a personal preference, an addiction, a physical craving? Most of us go without sex for almost twenty years initially so it’s not like going without food or water or something.

@busybarbara

Have you ever seen a female cat in heat, rubbing into the floor and rolling around? The natural urge is so strong.

I don’t rub myself into the floor obviously, but I do feel exceptionally horny and can’t think of anything but sex. I’m distracted and it can lead to me literally being in tears with the frustration.

I don’t know whether that’s addiction...perhaps more of physical craving?

Once I’ve had sex, I feel relieved more than anything...and happy. Very, very loving.

Most of the first twenty years of our lives is spent being prepubescent, so not really a comparable analogy.

I would be concerned that the hormonal contraceptive was having an effect. I don't know if you've ever looked into the copper coil? It does sound like there's more going on mentally than anything - but not ovulating won't be helping the situation.

@DBML

I'm very much the same.

I doubt it's the implant, it doesn't sound like it's a regular libido suppressant and I didn't feel at all different about sex before or after. I'm due to change over next summer so I suppose I could try going without, though overall I love it, and given I didn't really have any libido beforehand I doubt it makes much difference.

I should probably ask DH if there was a point that he felt things changed with me sexually? Sometimes it can seem obvious to someone else but not you.

This might not help, but I found that hormonal contraception reduced my sex drive massively.

Now off all contraception, and my sex drive is very strong around ovulation & for a few days before my period starts.