Does this sound like a 'sexless marriage' to you?

[Echobelly]

DH used the phrase once in a frustrated outburst a few years ago and hasn't mentioned it since, but I suspect he still feels that way.

I wouldn't say we were exactly sex atheletes, but I would say we have it at least 4 times a month - it's not quite every week (sometimes it might be Monday one week and Sunday the week after) and now and then there might be a fortnight or so without, but usually only if one of us is very tired/stressed /ill. Sometimes gasp it even happens twice in a week. And it's been pretty much that way for a long time, even when the kids were small (been married 12 years).

Other than late pregnancy and after childbirth we have never gone months without having sex and I seem to know plenty of women who have done, even when there were no particular health/stress/marriage problems.

I suspect we have different perceptions - I wouldn't be surprised if asked that he would say we only do it once or twice a month, but I do have a better sense of time and memory than him, and I'm pretty sure it's nearer 4 times.

I've never been a massive fan of sex, and he know that, but he still seems to think there was a time we were at it like rabbits and that it's now dwindling terribly, but I think we're doing pretty well.

If you're due to change, it couldn't hurt to see how you feel without it? It's pretty common for women to develop a stronger sex drive as they get older so maybe things might have changed.

True, @TheBlueStocking - it's been nearly 9 years on it.

I had a partner who could never orgasm, despite my very best efforts and trying all the tips and techniques people suggest.

I have to say, it dramatically diminished my enjoyment of sex and left me feeling very unfulfilled, no matter how much my partner told me she enjoyed it.

The thing that turns me on the most, by an order of magnitude is my partner having an orgasm, and without that it just wasn't the same.

Perhaps your DH's frustrations are linked to both frequency of sex and the lack of your orgasm?

I've read on here numerous times how women have feel dispirited and unfulfilled if their partner cannot orgasm, so the reverse can certainly be true.

I'm a very firm believer that orgasm begins in your head. If you have a low libido, there is likely to be very little fire in the furnace. In comparison, whenever I've been with a partner who I considered really horny with a high libido, orgasms came easily and frequently.

Echo have you read The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer? It explains brilliantly how women are trained out of their libido/desires from a very young age.

No I haven't @SpamChaudFroid . She tutored me a few times as a guest prof while I was at uni, as it happened. Maybe another one for the kindle!

I have certainly heard that it's a myth that women generally don't have much libido and that it's a social constructed thing. Also just finished a book about how science gets things wrong that mentions how odd it is that society claims women are 'naturally' monogamous with a low sex drive, yet men has also seem to have developed so many ways to 'mate guard' women through shaming, veiling, FGM etc. Why would they have to do that if women were 'naturally' unlikely to stray in the first place?

I'd echo what @Dissimilitude has said too.

It can be soul destroying having a partner who isn't communicating with their behaviour/actions that they want sexual intimacy. You've had some great advice about talking to your DH about all this and getting professional help together.

I haven't read that book, but I so agree that women are socialised not to be sexual. I might give it a read too.

Thanks for oversharing @TuttiFrutti123

I have inny nipples, so they're rather over sensitive and I have to admit that thought I didn't mind them being interfered with before kids, I'm afraid lips on them makes me think of breastfeeding post kids, so totally the wrong feeling! Nape of my neck is a serious eroginous (sp?) zone for me

I did find the bath was the best place for me, so I got waterproof toys - the Je Joue (I think it's called) has come closest for me, but I need to charge it up again.

Echobelly, more oversharing coming up! I was unable to orgasm before my mid 40s, alone or with partners. The Rabbit was useless.

What worked for me in the end was the lovehoney magic wand, after a large glass of wine (just enough to stop the over thinking!) and keeping it in one place over my clit... I think I had the impression that I had to move it around a lot more than I actually did!! Definitely would recommend solo time initially though.

Thanks @MonaChopsis - that's encouraging to hear!

it did take me years. Keep going and trying new things. At the beginning it was hard to know whether I had climaxed or not as it was not obvious, but over time sensations did get stronger.

Omgyes website (requires one off subscription) might be helpful for ideas of techniques.

Maybe get back in that bath with the Je Joue... it made me laugh when you wrote "that was the nearest I got but it needs recharging "... but like expecting medicine to work when it's sitting in the cupboard.

Definitive need time on your own. Seriously most important thing. Definitely need to try without the implant - my straw poll of 2 friends with implants, both said it turned them into cold fish!

Tiredness doesn't help, but honestly, a bit of practice by yourself, charge the joue thing, get rid of the implant for a bit...

And if those don't work, get some help.